Saturday, 1 September 2012
Sleep Diary #2
Friday 31st August 2012
Time I went to sleep: 6:00am (estimated)
Time I woke up: 10:30am (estimated)
Sleep Details: To be completely honest the only thing I can remember about my sleep was constantly waking up every half an hour, and from 10:30am until 4:00pm I was on and off sleeping where I kept waking up every 10-15 minutes. Hardly a satisfying sleep, but I'm not as tired as I was the other day. I was so tired then that I felt like I was ill.
Also, one dream I remember was my Mum and I arguing. Amazing.
Diet: Full bowl of Porridge with 1/3 of a dozen scoops of sugar and a whole chopped banana
Lasagna (unfinished)
3 digestive biscuits
2 cups of Tea (decaffeinated)
Mood: Mood very varied today. Most of the time I was happy as I usually like to stay positive even in a bad situation. The added stress from my Mum yesterday added awkwardness today although my happiness seemed to have smoothed that out a bit, which I'm glad to say. Got in a rut as I went to town, feeling negative and down, although I cheered up when I came back home.
Stress Details: I felt pretty good when I got up, and I was sort of sociable. However when I went out my mood just dropped like dat monstercat bass. I went to the library and Mark and I spoke, and he made me feel happier. I arrived home and I had a bath. All went well from there.
I need to get up early tomorrow. It's either a forced early sleep or another all-nighter. We'll have to see.
Sleep Diary #1
Since I don't actually have an official diary, I guess this blog will have to suffice for this. I was going to create a new blog on the profile for this, but this is about the Pandasaurs life, and the Pandasaur is currently having trouble sleeping, specifically during the night. So... Here goes...
Thursday 30th August 2012
Time I went to sleep: 11:00am (Estimate)
Time I woke up: 4:20pm
Sleep Details: I woke up several times during this sleep, the only one I can remember was at about midday, and then there were a few after that which I woke from dreams. I can't remember what the dream was about specifically because it's fucking 8:57pm and I'm still so tired. I normally have another 4 hours sleep, even with this insomniac shit.
I couldn't go back to sleep at 4:20pm even though I was still tired, so I went downstairs to get some tea or whatever. I was quite disoriented concerning the time earlier on when I woke up, and I even had trouble just now.
The dream was about-- I can't even remember now, but whenever I try to think about it and remember, I can just see metal. Like, rusty metal bars. Who knows, I just watched Silent Hill and that has a lot of metal shit in it so I may just be confused... I should start writing down my dreams before nodding off again.
Diet: Porridge (chocolate fingers, peanut butter, banana)
1 1/2 cups of PG Tips 'The Evening One' Tea (decaffeinated)
2 faggot's with gravy, and mashed potato (unfinished)
Mood: More down than usual due to an event after I woke up. Haven't been wanting to do anything, and I haven't done anything apart from watching a few films. Felt groggy and tired throughout the whole day, almost helpless, and I continue to feel like this. I usually have phases of happiness more than sadness during the day, even with the stress, but for the whole day I've only been happier when I'm talking to a member of the family... Also have a fucking headache, could be due to lack of liquids.
Stress Details: I woke up to a letter from the College, and a further post from the post office to say that I missed a letter that needs to be signed for. Devins not going to be happy when I say this, but hey, nothing could be worse than my parents reaction. So...
I completed my College work a while back, apart from this one piece of work where I guess I was just at the point of giving up. I don't want to act any more, at all. I have no desire to even look upon a fucking script. Something I've wanted to do since about the age of 11, that passion is no longer there. I've realised that the only reason why I wanted to act in the first place was because of the things I saw when watching a film like Bridge to Terebithia, Zathura, Harry Potter, and Avatar. Look at all of those, and tell me that you wouldn't want to experience what they experienced. Something different, something exciting, and I thought that acting could give me that. But now I've realised that it wont, a film or story only gives the audience that true experience. Even with a film trilogy like Lord of the Rings, they filmed in real locations that weren't filled with fake rocks and a plastic background, but you'd be lucky to get a role like that. I'm not dedicated enough or motivated enough to do that, to try that hard.
So why not actually go out there? Travel throughout the actual world where I can get real experience and a real feel of fear or excitement, euphoria and happiness. I want to learn about the world, not some fictional shit or the back-sides end of an east London accent.
That is where I'll get true inspiration and knowledge, and it makes sense once I explain it, but who's going to listen to that? Who is going to truly believe that I was almost scared to take my work in to College because I don't want to be there any more. And the only reason why I'm stressing so much is because I'm stuck between people wanting me to go back to finish the course, myself feeling like shit, and feeling like even more crap because I know my parents just wont accept that I have all of a sudden changed my mind.
It's not like I don't have a plan if I don't go back. I'm going to get a job, I'm going to learn how to cook and spend a good few years with my family, with Jessica and teaching her the things I had a lot of trouble understanding.
I also told Mark that I would call the College today, to talk to Mia. I didn't. The letter said that I had before enrolment to hand in my work, which just leaves me tomorrow. And what the fuck is that letter I have to pick up from the Post Office?
I'm leaving this blog post open until midnight.
Update (9:40pm): There was something I forgot to mention. I usually don't go to sleep until about 1-2 in the morning, that was before I couldn't sleep during the night. And now it's from about 3-4 in the morning where I start to feel really anxious in my room. Since I didn't have the laptop, I usually distracted myself with TV, drawing, or writing. But sometimes I couldn't avoid that anxiety, and it just felt like something was there. Probably sounds weird to Devin, but Mark or my parents would understand that. I'm not sure what it is, but I don't like it. I think that's where trouble sleeping during the night came from.
Due to the stress over the day, my periods gotten slightly heavier, even though it should be almost finished. Great.
There's also something else I've just remembered, which ties in with the disorientation, and I don't want to change anything of the above. I had read the letter before I went to sleep at 11am, not after I woke up at 4:20pm. Fucking mind. Then again I had stayed awake about 4-5 hours longer than usual, and had less sleep. The lack of sleep and slightly more stress than usual might just be getting to me a bit. I'll try to sleep earlier... Mum has also been suspiciously nice. Maybe she just thinks that I'm ill, or just hasn't read the letter yet. Fuck my whole entire life.
Thursday 30th August 2012
Time I went to sleep: 11:00am (Estimate)
Time I woke up: 4:20pm
Sleep Details: I woke up several times during this sleep, the only one I can remember was at about midday, and then there were a few after that which I woke from dreams. I can't remember what the dream was about specifically because it's fucking 8:57pm and I'm still so tired. I normally have another 4 hours sleep, even with this insomniac shit.
I couldn't go back to sleep at 4:20pm even though I was still tired, so I went downstairs to get some tea or whatever. I was quite disoriented concerning the time earlier on when I woke up, and I even had trouble just now.
The dream was about-- I can't even remember now, but whenever I try to think about it and remember, I can just see metal. Like, rusty metal bars. Who knows, I just watched Silent Hill and that has a lot of metal shit in it so I may just be confused... I should start writing down my dreams before nodding off again.
Diet: Porridge (chocolate fingers, peanut butter, banana)
1 1/2 cups of PG Tips 'The Evening One' Tea (decaffeinated)
2 faggot's with gravy, and mashed potato (unfinished)
Mood: More down than usual due to an event after I woke up. Haven't been wanting to do anything, and I haven't done anything apart from watching a few films. Felt groggy and tired throughout the whole day, almost helpless, and I continue to feel like this. I usually have phases of happiness more than sadness during the day, even with the stress, but for the whole day I've only been happier when I'm talking to a member of the family... Also have a fucking headache, could be due to lack of liquids.
Stress Details: I woke up to a letter from the College, and a further post from the post office to say that I missed a letter that needs to be signed for. Devins not going to be happy when I say this, but hey, nothing could be worse than my parents reaction. So...
I completed my College work a while back, apart from this one piece of work where I guess I was just at the point of giving up. I don't want to act any more, at all. I have no desire to even look upon a fucking script. Something I've wanted to do since about the age of 11, that passion is no longer there. I've realised that the only reason why I wanted to act in the first place was because of the things I saw when watching a film like Bridge to Terebithia, Zathura, Harry Potter, and Avatar. Look at all of those, and tell me that you wouldn't want to experience what they experienced. Something different, something exciting, and I thought that acting could give me that. But now I've realised that it wont, a film or story only gives the audience that true experience. Even with a film trilogy like Lord of the Rings, they filmed in real locations that weren't filled with fake rocks and a plastic background, but you'd be lucky to get a role like that. I'm not dedicated enough or motivated enough to do that, to try that hard.
So why not actually go out there? Travel throughout the actual world where I can get real experience and a real feel of fear or excitement, euphoria and happiness. I want to learn about the world, not some fictional shit or the back-sides end of an east London accent.
That is where I'll get true inspiration and knowledge, and it makes sense once I explain it, but who's going to listen to that? Who is going to truly believe that I was almost scared to take my work in to College because I don't want to be there any more. And the only reason why I'm stressing so much is because I'm stuck between people wanting me to go back to finish the course, myself feeling like shit, and feeling like even more crap because I know my parents just wont accept that I have all of a sudden changed my mind.
It's not like I don't have a plan if I don't go back. I'm going to get a job, I'm going to learn how to cook and spend a good few years with my family, with Jessica and teaching her the things I had a lot of trouble understanding.
I also told Mark that I would call the College today, to talk to Mia. I didn't. The letter said that I had before enrolment to hand in my work, which just leaves me tomorrow. And what the fuck is that letter I have to pick up from the Post Office?
I'm leaving this blog post open until midnight.
Update (9:40pm): There was something I forgot to mention. I usually don't go to sleep until about 1-2 in the morning, that was before I couldn't sleep during the night. And now it's from about 3-4 in the morning where I start to feel really anxious in my room. Since I didn't have the laptop, I usually distracted myself with TV, drawing, or writing. But sometimes I couldn't avoid that anxiety, and it just felt like something was there. Probably sounds weird to Devin, but Mark or my parents would understand that. I'm not sure what it is, but I don't like it. I think that's where trouble sleeping during the night came from.
Due to the stress over the day, my periods gotten slightly heavier, even though it should be almost finished. Great.
There's also something else I've just remembered, which ties in with the disorientation, and I don't want to change anything of the above. I had read the letter before I went to sleep at 11am, not after I woke up at 4:20pm. Fucking mind. Then again I had stayed awake about 4-5 hours longer than usual, and had less sleep. The lack of sleep and slightly more stress than usual might just be getting to me a bit. I'll try to sleep earlier... Mum has also been suspiciously nice. Maybe she just thinks that I'm ill, or just hasn't read the letter yet. Fuck my whole entire life.
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