I woke up yesterday morning feeling fine, but somehow may turned into absolute shit. I started feeling sad for no reason which really sucked because there is no way to cure that sadness other than distraction and I was too bored to be able to do anything. So, I sat around all day feeling sad and waited to go to work at 8pm. I started walking to work just before 7:30pm and when I got to work, my mood changed.
I started working and I felt better. I was distracted by work and I started to be happy that I got to talk to people, have fun and make money all at the same time. My night had finally started to get better and then Jared, one of the managers [and a really cool, awesome guy], asked me if I wanted to stay later to help out. I, of course, said yes and I was thrilled! I didn't want to go home, worried that I was just going to slip back into my bored sadness. So, I worked some more and then Wilfred came in from the back and was talking about a seagull being in the grease trap outside beside the dumpster. They asked me if I wanted to go try and get it out...
Of course I wanted to get the seagull out and to safety! I love animals too much, I 'spose. I put on these long green gloves and went out to save the bird. We got to the grease trap and opened it up and there it was, a seagull absolutely drenched in grease and I could see it had blood coming from it's eyes and from it's beak. I was heartbroken. I slowly put my hands into the grease, not to splash the bird, and tried picking it up. It took a few tries, but eventually I got it out and held it over the grease trap so some of the grease could drip off. We had no idea how long it was in there for, but it didn't matter to me, I wanted to save it nonetheless. We tried rinsing it off with some warm water, but it didn't help much, we needed soap. I ran over to the store and asked them if they had any grease-fighting dish soap and they did. I bought the soap and told the customer behind me and the cashier what had happened. They wished me luck and I ran back to McDonald's. Jared was just coming out with more water and I poured some soap in. Jared also gave me some gloves so that I didn't get my hands all full of disease and grease and stuff... The gloves didn't help much. I put the bird into the bucket of soapy water and started washing it, trying to avoid getting any in it's eyes. It didn't fight back and I cleaned it as best I could... When I let it out of the bucket, it started walking around but it couldn't fly at all. It couldn't even get over the curb. We didn't know what else to do so we put it back in the little walled in area with the dumpster and hoped it would dry off enough to be able to fly, or at least have a fighting chance in the wild.
We went back inside and got back to work, I was cleaning up front. Before I knew it, I was alone up front and I was taking orders for drive-thru and taking payment as well. It was the first time I had ever had to do that. I took one order no problem, but then another came and I could barely understand the woman. I took the order as best I could and turned back to the kitchen. I had to wait for the food and I wasn't sure if I was doing anything right, nobody was there to tell me... I started to worry, I started to panic. I asked Jared over the headset to come up front. He then asked me what was wrong and I told him I didn't want to say over the headset. He finished up a couple things, and while I waited for him, my breathing became irregular, my hands started to shake and I could tears collecting in my eyes. He then came up to me and asked what was wrong. I started crying and breathing heavily, telling him I was having a panic attack. He got a really concerned look on his face and told me to go to the crew room and sit down, he then got me a bottle of water and I went to the crew room. I sat down and put my head in my hands and began crying more, shaking more and breathing heavily. I don't know what happened, but I just snapped and couldn't take it. After a little while, Jared checked up on me and I said I was okay so he went back to finishing up the orders and getting things done. Once the orders were done, I was more calm. I mean, I wasn't crying and my hands had stopped shaking somewhat and I was breathing somewhat normally. I told him I wanted to go back to work, I didn't want to go home. I got up and was walking to go back to work but I just couldn't continue. I stopped and began shaking more, my breathing was irregular again and I started crying. I turned around and said to Jared, "On second thought, could I go home?" as the tears began rolling down my cheeks again. He said yes, so I went into the change room to change my shirt. I sat in there for maybe 5 minutes, crying, trying to calm down. I changed my shirt and then went out the back door, saying goodbye to Jared. I was going to go home and feel better.
I didn't want to go home. I got halfway through the parking lot and I couldn't do it. I started crying more, shaking and I had to sit on the curb. I sat there, thinking, doing nothing for over half an hour. I couldn't walk home, I didn't want to, something wasn't right with me. Jared came out later and was asking me if I was okay, I told him I was and that I was just thinking. He wanted to call me a cab, but I said no. After our conversation, he went back inside and I got up. I started walking home but before I was leaving the parking lot, I stopped. I turned back and started walking towards where the dumpster is, where the bird was.
I opened up the big door and there it was, laying there, not moving. It wasn't dead, it just didn't have the energy to move. We had given it a muffin but it didn't look like it had been eaten. I kneeled beside the bird, trying to give it water, feed it some muffin but there was no use. I picked up the bird and brought it outside, placing it under a tree. I then got my stuff and sat beside the bird. I pet it, wishing there was something more I could do, but there wasn't. The wind was pretty cold, even for me so I started thinking how the bird felt. I tried moving it behind the tree so it didn't get as much wind hitting it... I laid my hand on it's back, feeling the slow breaths of the bird. I was hoping my hand could give it some warmth or some sense that it wasn't alone in it's final moments. A few times the bird's breathing was so slow, I thought it had passed away, but the breathing started up again and so I continued to sit there with it until it's final moment. At around 2:50am the bird didn't even have the energy to keep it's head up, it laid it's head down and I thought it had died, but I could still feel it's breath. I sat there, sometimes crying, sometimes sighing and at one point I said to the bird, "I hope that whatever afterlife there is for you, is better than this life was. I'm sorry it had to be this way, I wish there was something I could do." I kept apologizing to the bird. I was trying my best, but it wasn't enough. Jared came out a little before 3am to check on me. Wilfred had been apparently keeping an eye on me whenever he went out for a cigarette. Jared started talking to me about death, about me losing pets or people, I told him about Loren somewhat. I talked to him, it made me feel slightly better, but I couldn't help but cry more as we talked. Around 3am, I had my hand on the bird's back and I felt it's final breath leave it's body. I turned to Jared, with tears in my eyes and told him that the seagull was dead. I sighed, standing up and picked up the bird. I walked with it in my hands over to the tall grass and walked in a little bit before lying it down. I sighed again and walked back inside with Jared. I washed my hands twice and then Jared asked if I wanted to sit in the office with him while he did paperwork. I still didn't want to go home, so I agreed. We talked for about 15 minutes and it was good, it helped. He finished his paperwork and I was finally leaving work. I said goodbye and thanked him for everything. I also apologized, I think.
Anyways, I walked home and didn't go to sleep for a couple hours. I dozed off maybe once or twice but I couldn't actually sleep. Or perhaps I just didn't want to sleep completely. Not too sure because at that point I was so tired that I can't really remember anything beyond that point now.
After all this, all I wanted was to talk to Leigh because she can make me smile even after all of this. She is amazing like that. <3.
Tuesday, 19 June 2012
Saturday, 9 June 2012
Happy Birthday (Read together this time?)
It's weird when we argue, even though we've only argued two or three times. Then again, I've only been on one side of the argument. I've always been the one that brings up the issue, the one with the issue, and it seems like he never has any issue. This makes me glad, because I'm usually the one that causes all of the trouble in a relationship, but it also makes me think that Devin isn't thinking about the things that aggravate him, those little things that I perhaps do that displease him. I know that he tries his best to keep away from arguments, and I guess that after our last argument, he knows that it's fine to argue because we're not normal. It's true, we don't argue like a normal couple.
I get angry to a point where I mention the problem, which is usually something he is doing that reflects off of something that he has done. And then the actual argument starts, and he defends himself which he should rightfully do, because you never know, one day I might be wrong. Then he says something that is stupid, which is usually the case, and me being me I think it's adorable and soften up a bit. He takes me so seriously during arguments anyway because I'm very blunt and I swear a lot, and sometimes I forget to show him that I'm still happy, even though there's something that's bugging me. I am always happy, and he needs to know that too, even if I do seem really mad or upset at him - I still love him just as much as I did before the argument, and it wont change after either.
He gets so emotional during arguments too, it seems. Even though it's a small issue, he gets himself so wound up because I seem so angry. I don't know why but he always seems so off-guard aswell. He should know by now that an argument is bound to get mentioned after it seems like I have an issue, but I'm making a joke of it constantly. However this isn't the case all of the time, so I don't think that should be a guideline of my emotions and actions.
I used to be known as 'The Mystery' to people online and at school, so he should be glad that I changed for him, without even realising. I've surprised myself by how much I've changed emotionally and mentally. I've even gone out of my way to change myself physically, and I've never done this for anyone else my entire life, no matter how much I tried. He's changing too, and I see that. It's not like it's in a bad way either. Like I said to him; What we're doing is driven by one another, but the only person who is going to benefit out of it all in the end is ourselves.
He also seems worried about something about him, although he hasn't told me about this. Although I'm very anxious to know, and sometimes I find myself pushing him to find out what it is. I know how this feels. I don't know exactly what this problem is, but maybe it's something that is haunting him, and has been for a while. It's like a weight that seems to stop you from doing what you really want to do, and you're scared how it will affect you and those around you, close to you. You're scared of it, and it seems like you can't get rid of it... Whether this be an emotion, a happening, a memory, it seems it can take over in an instant.
I've been through something like that, and I've only just gotten over it. It's only been a year since I had to deal with it, and some nights I even find myself reliving it.
My childhood was taken away by it, just by the thought of it. Most of it was my fault, due to the fact that I was stupid enough to try and deal with it on my own. Sure I could deal with it to the point where I could temporarily sort it out for a month or so without killing myself over it... No, Devin doesn't know what happened to me, and he doesn't need to know, just like I don't need to know about his past. But if he's going through something at this very moment, then the best thing you can do is tell someone that you know will make a difference. For example, all I had to do was tell my parents, the last people that I wanted to know, and that fixed my problem in an instant.
The past does not define you, but it moulds you, and shapes you in to the person that you are today. Neither does it represent what you will become in the future, because that's a mystery that will only unfold in time.
By the end of our arguments, we're neck high in smiles and laughter. That's why we're not normal. I've known couples that are neck high in anger by the end of arguments. That's not what arguments are about, they're about recognising the problem and finding a way to resolve it, like what my parents have always done. And look where they are 26 years later in the marriage - Still happily married.
I hate it when people assume I'm really angry with Devin. They misinterpret my anger. I'm never angry with Devin, I'm angry with the problem. The problem is just usually something that Devin does, so it seems like I'm angry with him, when actually they have it all wrong. For example, the first time I got really angry and I told Mark about it, he didn't even want me talking to Devin because he thought that I would start shouting at him to a point where it might damage our relationship. Also, recently, where I've told Josh a problem that I had about moving to Canada, he also thought that Devin and I were going to break up because of it, just because I seemed really angry or upset with him. That's never the case; if anyone says so, even at the time when I seem really angry, I deny it all. I deny that I'm really angry with him, that it's possible that we might break up, because all of that, in my mind, is just pure bullshit. Never angry with Devin, just angry with the problem. Never misinterpret that. Never.
It's not like I planned on having a relationship this soon. Then again you can't really plan something that you don't expect. I tried to delay it, really I did, but something about Devin just drew me to him. No matter how much I tried to dissuade myself from having a relationship, I couldn't. I wasn't planning on having another relationship until I was surrounded by a career, and even then I knew it probably wouldn't work out because my relationships never work out, ever. I was imagining that I'd end up being a single mum with a career. But, the relationship I have with Devin is just unavoidable. Sure, I can create a paper thin wall between him and I while he's away and while I can't speak to him so that I don't miss him too much. I can create that emotional distance with him for a short while so that I can concentrate on other things, but I've never been able to totally friendzone him like I have with so many other guys.
There's usually a concrete wall there so that I don't get hurt, once again, but it's impossible to do that with Devin. Sure, paper-thin will suffice, but when he's there he breaks through like no other has. It's not like he has to try either because he managed to break through that brick wall that I had there for the longest time. It's crazy when I think about it, but it just makes me so happy that I care for him so much, that I want him so much, need him so much, and love him more than I ever thought I could love another person.
In my point of view, it's impossible, but I do; I love you Devin.
I get angry to a point where I mention the problem, which is usually something he is doing that reflects off of something that he has done. And then the actual argument starts, and he defends himself which he should rightfully do, because you never know, one day I might be wrong. Then he says something that is stupid, which is usually the case, and me being me I think it's adorable and soften up a bit. He takes me so seriously during arguments anyway because I'm very blunt and I swear a lot, and sometimes I forget to show him that I'm still happy, even though there's something that's bugging me. I am always happy, and he needs to know that too, even if I do seem really mad or upset at him - I still love him just as much as I did before the argument, and it wont change after either.
He gets so emotional during arguments too, it seems. Even though it's a small issue, he gets himself so wound up because I seem so angry. I don't know why but he always seems so off-guard aswell. He should know by now that an argument is bound to get mentioned after it seems like I have an issue, but I'm making a joke of it constantly. However this isn't the case all of the time, so I don't think that should be a guideline of my emotions and actions.
I used to be known as 'The Mystery' to people online and at school, so he should be glad that I changed for him, without even realising. I've surprised myself by how much I've changed emotionally and mentally. I've even gone out of my way to change myself physically, and I've never done this for anyone else my entire life, no matter how much I tried. He's changing too, and I see that. It's not like it's in a bad way either. Like I said to him; What we're doing is driven by one another, but the only person who is going to benefit out of it all in the end is ourselves.
He also seems worried about something about him, although he hasn't told me about this. Although I'm very anxious to know, and sometimes I find myself pushing him to find out what it is. I know how this feels. I don't know exactly what this problem is, but maybe it's something that is haunting him, and has been for a while. It's like a weight that seems to stop you from doing what you really want to do, and you're scared how it will affect you and those around you, close to you. You're scared of it, and it seems like you can't get rid of it... Whether this be an emotion, a happening, a memory, it seems it can take over in an instant.
I've been through something like that, and I've only just gotten over it. It's only been a year since I had to deal with it, and some nights I even find myself reliving it.
My childhood was taken away by it, just by the thought of it. Most of it was my fault, due to the fact that I was stupid enough to try and deal with it on my own. Sure I could deal with it to the point where I could temporarily sort it out for a month or so without killing myself over it... No, Devin doesn't know what happened to me, and he doesn't need to know, just like I don't need to know about his past. But if he's going through something at this very moment, then the best thing you can do is tell someone that you know will make a difference. For example, all I had to do was tell my parents, the last people that I wanted to know, and that fixed my problem in an instant.
The past does not define you, but it moulds you, and shapes you in to the person that you are today. Neither does it represent what you will become in the future, because that's a mystery that will only unfold in time.
By the end of our arguments, we're neck high in smiles and laughter. That's why we're not normal. I've known couples that are neck high in anger by the end of arguments. That's not what arguments are about, they're about recognising the problem and finding a way to resolve it, like what my parents have always done. And look where they are 26 years later in the marriage - Still happily married.
I hate it when people assume I'm really angry with Devin. They misinterpret my anger. I'm never angry with Devin, I'm angry with the problem. The problem is just usually something that Devin does, so it seems like I'm angry with him, when actually they have it all wrong. For example, the first time I got really angry and I told Mark about it, he didn't even want me talking to Devin because he thought that I would start shouting at him to a point where it might damage our relationship. Also, recently, where I've told Josh a problem that I had about moving to Canada, he also thought that Devin and I were going to break up because of it, just because I seemed really angry or upset with him. That's never the case; if anyone says so, even at the time when I seem really angry, I deny it all. I deny that I'm really angry with him, that it's possible that we might break up, because all of that, in my mind, is just pure bullshit. Never angry with Devin, just angry with the problem. Never misinterpret that. Never.
It's not like I planned on having a relationship this soon. Then again you can't really plan something that you don't expect. I tried to delay it, really I did, but something about Devin just drew me to him. No matter how much I tried to dissuade myself from having a relationship, I couldn't. I wasn't planning on having another relationship until I was surrounded by a career, and even then I knew it probably wouldn't work out because my relationships never work out, ever. I was imagining that I'd end up being a single mum with a career. But, the relationship I have with Devin is just unavoidable. Sure, I can create a paper thin wall between him and I while he's away and while I can't speak to him so that I don't miss him too much. I can create that emotional distance with him for a short while so that I can concentrate on other things, but I've never been able to totally friendzone him like I have with so many other guys.
There's usually a concrete wall there so that I don't get hurt, once again, but it's impossible to do that with Devin. Sure, paper-thin will suffice, but when he's there he breaks through like no other has. It's not like he has to try either because he managed to break through that brick wall that I had there for the longest time. It's crazy when I think about it, but it just makes me so happy that I care for him so much, that I want him so much, need him so much, and love him more than I ever thought I could love another person.
In my point of view, it's impossible, but I do; I love you Devin.
Saturday, 2 June 2012
Deep Thoughts... While they're still there
I know a few people have been saying to Alex that he needs to get over Brit because they're never going to get back together again, but they need to realise that whether Brit was a rebound relationship or not, Alex had, and still has, feelings for her. If it was that bad of a rebound then he wouldn't be so choked up about it. But he is, so there's obviously something there between them, whether some people like it or not.
Alex and I aren't best friends, but we have been talking alot lately and it sucks seeing him get this upset. He can't even speak to her for christ sake. Time is always a healer, and he's going to feel better about this eventually, but the fact is that he's upset now, and I know that I've had to get over the most traumatic things in my life without telling anyone about them, scared that I wouldn't get that support that I needed just because it's over a guy or another girl.
Things will be okay though. Things will always turn out for the better, and I'm glad that Alex can be happy because the only times that should matter are when you're smiling. You can't avoid the tragic things that happen in life, and they can't be ignored either, but I know that I always try to be happy because I know that whatever happens in my life, I have another chance to make things right. It's what makes us emotionally and mentally stronger as human beings. Even if it just means that my smile is passed on to another for a single moment, something is being done to make those around me happier with their lives.
I'm going through a story at the moment. It's about this little girl called Malaika, and the first chapter tells us about the relationship she had with her father, or currently has with him. It's very unclear so far. It's all memories, and it's very light, but you can't really tell whether the memories happened a long time ago or recently because of the nature of the script. I can't really tell where it's going either, it's rather mysterious and vague. But I like it, so I'll put some here.
I always find that it's best to read out loud. Also, here's some music that might make this story mean something >> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8u4VLk0iTI
She felt the grass between her fingertips; so soft, just like the cool breeze that brushed against her cheeks and flowed through her hair, making each strand ripple like each droplet of water that gently fell into a river. Her expression already soft with the peaceful twinkle in dawns air had grown content, the rise of the side of her mouth created a beautiful smile that could only be triggered by some sort of memory or occurrence. That silk touch against her cheek reminded her of how her father consoled her. A gentle tap on her sweet button nose and a kiss planted upon her forehead.
He had once told her that there was a land above the land, a place where the grass was tinted a gray-yellow, and a place where you could feel the cool clouds escape through your fingers. This land was the only place where true serenity could be sought and pure peace would be found among conflict that would soon take over,
'Malaika...'
Gentle words seeped in to her mind, echo's of reassurance and images of his handsome smile that was square but truthful. His embrace was warm as he whispered sweet lullaby's into her ear. Safe and sound, he always said; safe and sound in prosperity, with no marks to signify the dread of the past. Always looking forward into the dawns misted light, never looking back into the eyes of fear and dead. Fear and dead, never to be seen. Even if you were blind, he said; even if you were blind you would be able to seek this land and feel its presence. It is where we go, it is where we all go. No need to be scared anymore,
'No need to be scared anymore. Daddy is here, daddy will keep you safe and sound. No one can lay hands upon skin so fine; delicacy, and hand on heart. A precious angel whose soul is kind; shallow waters have never seen such purity in art.'
She remembered those words and none other before he left. Sometimes she would try to remember if he had once said goodbye to her, that he loved her, but none other than those words spoken could be dreamt up in this lush fairytale. She would dream within dreams of the land above the land, white lights blinding her purity from the dark shadows where nightmares could creep in and steal her away from her memories.
Her father is the only true man that she had ever known to exist. Gunfire could not drown out his words of wisdom. In the bleakness of December, the ember ashes became flakes of white dust that fell from the sun-beamed sky, and his word would be the last word that existed.
So yeah, that's it, that's the first part of the story. It doesn't seem to have anywhere to go, or rather it doesn't feel like an actual story, but I guess it will have somewhere to go. Enya is pretty powerful, words alone. Words do mean quite a lot, so I like to choose them carefully. They can be misinterpreted so easily, and I try to make my point as clear as possible, whatever that may be. There's always meaning behind everything I write, whether I end up realizing this later on or I have a specific purpose from the beginning. I guess that's why I prefer writing about feelings rather than events, because feelings have so much more meaning unless an event is explained in such a way that a meaning comes from it. It's why I've never been particularly good as writing songs or poems, because my thoughts come out in bounds of descriptive sentences and emotions that can go on for paragraphs and paragraphs. For example, what I'm writing now was originally planned to be a few sentences, and look how descriptive it is now.
I guess I've had thoughts lately that names are pretty powerful too, and you can't really excape the concept of a name because it's something that someone will always remember you by. I thought that Vex would be a perfect name to put on everything. Just because it signified a huge part of my past that changed me extensively, I thought that maybe I could change the meaning of the name in to something positive. What it meant to me was something corruptive and rebellious, and I tried to change that like I was trying to change the past.
I don't want that anymore. I don't want to be known as 'Vex Pandasaur' or 'Vex Skyler'. It's not me, and it never should have been me, and I shouldn't try to make it into something that it isn't. Anyone who isn't myself and one other person wouldn't have a clue as to what I'm talking about, because they weren't a part of what we went through.
My point is that I should start fresh if I want to start fresh concerning College, friends, and even a relationship. I should have done this six months ago when I became someone that I should have been all along, not someone that I was pretending to be. This is me now, and I would have doubts of that if it weren't true. I see reason, and the reason within this is that I can now move on. Even if it's just a silly name that is holding me back slightly, it's still a hold back.
I have another name in mind, it's just something that came to me just as I was about to fall asleep. The best things come to me just as I'm about to drift off. The name is Newpie (Like: *NEW-pea*). It may sound a bit familiar to some as I've been watching a lot of PewDiePie's videos, and I realized this not too long ago, but it actually comes from the word Newb (as in Newbie). That was my first thought when I was thinking about the name. It's really random, and I honestly have as much of a clue as anyone else, but I guess it's cute.
I just think it's funny that Devin had no clue what I was talking about earlier when I mentioned it. I guess the memory was so vivid that I thought I had talked about it before. My near-dream deep thinking isn't usually remembered, so I'm surprised a lot of this has been, because it's just talking about names.
So yeah. Newpie is good enough for a lifetime I guess.
Alex and I aren't best friends, but we have been talking alot lately and it sucks seeing him get this upset. He can't even speak to her for christ sake. Time is always a healer, and he's going to feel better about this eventually, but the fact is that he's upset now, and I know that I've had to get over the most traumatic things in my life without telling anyone about them, scared that I wouldn't get that support that I needed just because it's over a guy or another girl.
Things will be okay though. Things will always turn out for the better, and I'm glad that Alex can be happy because the only times that should matter are when you're smiling. You can't avoid the tragic things that happen in life, and they can't be ignored either, but I know that I always try to be happy because I know that whatever happens in my life, I have another chance to make things right. It's what makes us emotionally and mentally stronger as human beings. Even if it just means that my smile is passed on to another for a single moment, something is being done to make those around me happier with their lives.
I'm going through a story at the moment. It's about this little girl called Malaika, and the first chapter tells us about the relationship she had with her father, or currently has with him. It's very unclear so far. It's all memories, and it's very light, but you can't really tell whether the memories happened a long time ago or recently because of the nature of the script. I can't really tell where it's going either, it's rather mysterious and vague. But I like it, so I'll put some here.
I always find that it's best to read out loud. Also, here's some music that might make this story mean something >> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8u4VLk0iTI
She felt the grass between her fingertips; so soft, just like the cool breeze that brushed against her cheeks and flowed through her hair, making each strand ripple like each droplet of water that gently fell into a river. Her expression already soft with the peaceful twinkle in dawns air had grown content, the rise of the side of her mouth created a beautiful smile that could only be triggered by some sort of memory or occurrence. That silk touch against her cheek reminded her of how her father consoled her. A gentle tap on her sweet button nose and a kiss planted upon her forehead.
He had once told her that there was a land above the land, a place where the grass was tinted a gray-yellow, and a place where you could feel the cool clouds escape through your fingers. This land was the only place where true serenity could be sought and pure peace would be found among conflict that would soon take over,
'Malaika...'
Gentle words seeped in to her mind, echo's of reassurance and images of his handsome smile that was square but truthful. His embrace was warm as he whispered sweet lullaby's into her ear. Safe and sound, he always said; safe and sound in prosperity, with no marks to signify the dread of the past. Always looking forward into the dawns misted light, never looking back into the eyes of fear and dead. Fear and dead, never to be seen. Even if you were blind, he said; even if you were blind you would be able to seek this land and feel its presence. It is where we go, it is where we all go. No need to be scared anymore,
'No need to be scared anymore. Daddy is here, daddy will keep you safe and sound. No one can lay hands upon skin so fine; delicacy, and hand on heart. A precious angel whose soul is kind; shallow waters have never seen such purity in art.'
She remembered those words and none other before he left. Sometimes she would try to remember if he had once said goodbye to her, that he loved her, but none other than those words spoken could be dreamt up in this lush fairytale. She would dream within dreams of the land above the land, white lights blinding her purity from the dark shadows where nightmares could creep in and steal her away from her memories.
Her father is the only true man that she had ever known to exist. Gunfire could not drown out his words of wisdom. In the bleakness of December, the ember ashes became flakes of white dust that fell from the sun-beamed sky, and his word would be the last word that existed.
So yeah, that's it, that's the first part of the story. It doesn't seem to have anywhere to go, or rather it doesn't feel like an actual story, but I guess it will have somewhere to go. Enya is pretty powerful, words alone. Words do mean quite a lot, so I like to choose them carefully. They can be misinterpreted so easily, and I try to make my point as clear as possible, whatever that may be. There's always meaning behind everything I write, whether I end up realizing this later on or I have a specific purpose from the beginning. I guess that's why I prefer writing about feelings rather than events, because feelings have so much more meaning unless an event is explained in such a way that a meaning comes from it. It's why I've never been particularly good as writing songs or poems, because my thoughts come out in bounds of descriptive sentences and emotions that can go on for paragraphs and paragraphs. For example, what I'm writing now was originally planned to be a few sentences, and look how descriptive it is now.
I guess I've had thoughts lately that names are pretty powerful too, and you can't really excape the concept of a name because it's something that someone will always remember you by. I thought that Vex would be a perfect name to put on everything. Just because it signified a huge part of my past that changed me extensively, I thought that maybe I could change the meaning of the name in to something positive. What it meant to me was something corruptive and rebellious, and I tried to change that like I was trying to change the past.
I don't want that anymore. I don't want to be known as 'Vex Pandasaur' or 'Vex Skyler'. It's not me, and it never should have been me, and I shouldn't try to make it into something that it isn't. Anyone who isn't myself and one other person wouldn't have a clue as to what I'm talking about, because they weren't a part of what we went through.
My point is that I should start fresh if I want to start fresh concerning College, friends, and even a relationship. I should have done this six months ago when I became someone that I should have been all along, not someone that I was pretending to be. This is me now, and I would have doubts of that if it weren't true. I see reason, and the reason within this is that I can now move on. Even if it's just a silly name that is holding me back slightly, it's still a hold back.
I have another name in mind, it's just something that came to me just as I was about to fall asleep. The best things come to me just as I'm about to drift off. The name is Newpie (Like: *NEW-pea*). It may sound a bit familiar to some as I've been watching a lot of PewDiePie's videos, and I realized this not too long ago, but it actually comes from the word Newb (as in Newbie). That was my first thought when I was thinking about the name. It's really random, and I honestly have as much of a clue as anyone else, but I guess it's cute.
I just think it's funny that Devin had no clue what I was talking about earlier when I mentioned it. I guess the memory was so vivid that I thought I had talked about it before. My near-dream deep thinking isn't usually remembered, so I'm surprised a lot of this has been, because it's just talking about names.
So yeah. Newpie is good enough for a lifetime I guess.
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