Not too sure if we just had an argument, but I know that it's just because I'm an idiot, like always.
The reason I feel the need to write a blog post right now is because how angry I got, I wanted to punch the wall beside me. I always knew that the smallest thing would set me over the edge but that thing CANNOT be part of this relationship. I can't allow myself to become that angry that I could snap, not with Leigh. I love her way too much to have this anger inside of me, able to come out in front of her. She doesn't deserve my anger, she deserves my love, and she has that. I need to rid myself of this immense anger. I'm not sure how I can, I'm not even sure IF I can.
I will try my best... for her. I just want to be good enough for her.
Sunday, 29 July 2012
Wednesday, 25 July 2012
Breaking Down and Tired
It's been a while since I've last posted... Be right back, I have to do some laundry.
Alright, the laundry is going and now I am back writing this post. I'm not sure what exactly to tell you except that I am quite messed up. My emotions are overflowing to the point where I am getting very upset over the tiniest things. League of Legends, for instance.
In this strategic game, I am either feeling my own guilt which turns into depression or anger, or I am angry towards my team. I will get angry at myself when I die in a stupid way and that's basically it. Now, that happens a few times but it's nothing I can't handle. Occasionally I have a death streak and get pissed off, but oh well. What angers me even more is when we have to surrender because our team is doing somewhat bad. This is often when I'm playing with Nico, to be honest. He doesn't see the point in continuing to play if the odds aren't in our favour Now, must of the time he is correct and we will more than likely lose and he surrenders at 15 minutes in and I get upset. I don't get upset that he wants to quit, it makes me upset that he forces ME to quit. I don't care if we're down just a few kills, I'm going to keep trying and keep playing. Games are supposed to be about fun and when he rages about me not surrendering ASAP, or when Alex rages over kill steals, it pisses me off. I think I may just stop playing with them as much, or maybe as soon as they start to rage, I'll stop playing with them for that time period. That may bring my "stress" down, or whatever I'm calling this.
I'm pretty fucked right about now, it's 4:45am and I have to work at 11am. There isn't any possible way that I'll get to sleep tonight. I'm going to have to pull through and stay awake. I guess I'll stay up and leave rather early so I can go to the bank, get a new debit card, take out money for rent, buy an energy drink, work until 4pm, buy more energy drinks and then stay up and play LoL with Jared and Nico and whoever else. Yes, this is my plan... My stupid, stupid plan. You may be wondering why I can't just get 5 hours of sleep, eh? Well, maybe I'll be able to. It kind of depends when my laundry finishes, since I just put it on. I procrastinated doing laundry and now I have to switch it over because it won't dry if I switch it when I wake up. If it finishes quickly enough, maybe I'll switch it over and get a few hours of sleep, but I'm really worried that I won't wake up... I think I'd rather be dead tired than miss my shift and get in shit.
I hope I'll be able to do this. This is worse than going to work high. Let's just hope that I don't break down at work again, 'cause I really hate when that happens.
The only time I really don't break down is when I'm talking to Leigh... Perhaps I can just always be with her and I will never stress out. Yeah, that sounds like a great cure. <3
Alright, the laundry is going and now I am back writing this post. I'm not sure what exactly to tell you except that I am quite messed up. My emotions are overflowing to the point where I am getting very upset over the tiniest things. League of Legends, for instance.
In this strategic game, I am either feeling my own guilt which turns into depression or anger, or I am angry towards my team. I will get angry at myself when I die in a stupid way and that's basically it. Now, that happens a few times but it's nothing I can't handle. Occasionally I have a death streak and get pissed off, but oh well. What angers me even more is when we have to surrender because our team is doing somewhat bad. This is often when I'm playing with Nico, to be honest. He doesn't see the point in continuing to play if the odds aren't in our favour Now, must of the time he is correct and we will more than likely lose and he surrenders at 15 minutes in and I get upset. I don't get upset that he wants to quit, it makes me upset that he forces ME to quit. I don't care if we're down just a few kills, I'm going to keep trying and keep playing. Games are supposed to be about fun and when he rages about me not surrendering ASAP, or when Alex rages over kill steals, it pisses me off. I think I may just stop playing with them as much, or maybe as soon as they start to rage, I'll stop playing with them for that time period. That may bring my "stress" down, or whatever I'm calling this.
I'm pretty fucked right about now, it's 4:45am and I have to work at 11am. There isn't any possible way that I'll get to sleep tonight. I'm going to have to pull through and stay awake. I guess I'll stay up and leave rather early so I can go to the bank, get a new debit card, take out money for rent, buy an energy drink, work until 4pm, buy more energy drinks and then stay up and play LoL with Jared and Nico and whoever else. Yes, this is my plan... My stupid, stupid plan. You may be wondering why I can't just get 5 hours of sleep, eh? Well, maybe I'll be able to. It kind of depends when my laundry finishes, since I just put it on. I procrastinated doing laundry and now I have to switch it over because it won't dry if I switch it when I wake up. If it finishes quickly enough, maybe I'll switch it over and get a few hours of sleep, but I'm really worried that I won't wake up... I think I'd rather be dead tired than miss my shift and get in shit.
I hope I'll be able to do this. This is worse than going to work high. Let's just hope that I don't break down at work again, 'cause I really hate when that happens.
The only time I really don't break down is when I'm talking to Leigh... Perhaps I can just always be with her and I will never stress out. Yeah, that sounds like a great cure. <3
Friday, 6 July 2012
Feeling Sentimental?
I think I want it to be a Tragic Fantasy. It sounds so, for want of another word, magical. I can just imagine nothing else but that one story that I started where this little girl was abandoned on a world with almost noone and nothing but her imagination to keep her company. Like a heaven, light and quiet. And even though this is such a beautiful place, so many bad things have happened to her. That story is a lot like the one on Clannad, except mine has a lot more happening in it, however it's just a side-story in Clannad so it's very simple, which is nice.
However, I know that if I make it a Tragic Fantasy, then he has to die in the end, and everyone but him has to know that he dies. But maybe if I make the story really happy, then it'll be worth killing him off in the end. I was going to kill him off anyway, but there was going to be a 'revival', but that would just be too predictable and cliche. Staying young would be nice too, it would give him that element of innocence, even though it gets really dark. He could still have those moments of innocence throughout the Trilogy, but I guess I'll have to figure out how to do that along the way.
He's at a typical age where things always happen in books too. Maybe I should make him a bit younger? Although, I've changed the plot slightly and I don't want him to 'change' at such a young age I don't think.
Just to think, this boy has been a part of my life since I was almost twelve, and he's still here to this day. He's one of the few characters that have been there all the way through. And although I regret that I must change his whole name because of some sort of plot twist that I added, I think the major changes were for the best. After all I was eleven, so you can't expect my writing to be as good as publishing standards.
A Tragic Fantasy does sound just so wonderful. I think I'll go with that since I've been very unsure of what genre I should put it under ever since I started it.
However, I know that if I make it a Tragic Fantasy, then he has to die in the end, and everyone but him has to know that he dies. But maybe if I make the story really happy, then it'll be worth killing him off in the end. I was going to kill him off anyway, but there was going to be a 'revival', but that would just be too predictable and cliche. Staying young would be nice too, it would give him that element of innocence, even though it gets really dark. He could still have those moments of innocence throughout the Trilogy, but I guess I'll have to figure out how to do that along the way.
He's at a typical age where things always happen in books too. Maybe I should make him a bit younger? Although, I've changed the plot slightly and I don't want him to 'change' at such a young age I don't think.
Just to think, this boy has been a part of my life since I was almost twelve, and he's still here to this day. He's one of the few characters that have been there all the way through. And although I regret that I must change his whole name because of some sort of plot twist that I added, I think the major changes were for the best. After all I was eleven, so you can't expect my writing to be as good as publishing standards.
A Tragic Fantasy does sound just so wonderful. I think I'll go with that since I've been very unsure of what genre I should put it under ever since I started it.
Thursday, 5 July 2012
It's 5:51am - I'm Getting Really Tired.
I guess that the only time where you can go back to something that once was, whether it is something that you miss in life that you know you can get back but you're just a grasp away from catching it, is by reliving what once gave you that motivation to do it in the first place. For me, those times flip-flopped in and out of misery, uncertainty, but creativity. Just like all those years ago, I sit on my windowcill at a rediculously early time in the morning to smell the cool air that you can only experience at this time of day, and write. Although I'm not able to sit as comfortably as I once could, it is nice to have that feeling once again. Like always, hanging out of the window is my inward way of wanting to go outside, however it may not be advised at this early hour.
I want to find a way back to that creativity without having to experience that misery and uncertainty again. I suppose I always got that inspiration from the Stanislavski methods of acting, except I was young then so I only recognized it as the routines of realist actors such as Robert De Niro where they would live their character so that they may understand it better.
In just a few hours I've come to the revelation that you don't need to live a character to understand them. You don't have to go to such measures to know how they feel or what they would do in certain situations. You don't have to live the life, you only have to experience it. Why push yourself in to wanting perfection, forcing yourself to live in their world at your own suffering, when you can live it freely and understand that human being by becoming yourself within them? Understanding yourself within them.
And just to create a character to use within a story, I would go to the same lengths and get a fantastic result. I'm not contradicting myself when I say that the Stanislavski methods are epically amazing. I was once creating those characters like they were real, making them live their lives and develop habits like any other human would. But at what cost? I great one, I must add. So what would you then do to prevent the awful outcomes of this absurd creativity? At the moment, I'm not sure, and it may end in disaster just like every time I've done this. But this time I know that I can change the outcome somehow.
I will research and read and watch and think and develop so that maybe the methods do not have to carry so strong. However, I would do anything to get a good story going. It's my passion.
I've only just realized it. But yes, writing is my life-long passion.
I want to find a way back to that creativity without having to experience that misery and uncertainty again. I suppose I always got that inspiration from the Stanislavski methods of acting, except I was young then so I only recognized it as the routines of realist actors such as Robert De Niro where they would live their character so that they may understand it better.
In just a few hours I've come to the revelation that you don't need to live a character to understand them. You don't have to go to such measures to know how they feel or what they would do in certain situations. You don't have to live the life, you only have to experience it. Why push yourself in to wanting perfection, forcing yourself to live in their world at your own suffering, when you can live it freely and understand that human being by becoming yourself within them? Understanding yourself within them.
And just to create a character to use within a story, I would go to the same lengths and get a fantastic result. I'm not contradicting myself when I say that the Stanislavski methods are epically amazing. I was once creating those characters like they were real, making them live their lives and develop habits like any other human would. But at what cost? I great one, I must add. So what would you then do to prevent the awful outcomes of this absurd creativity? At the moment, I'm not sure, and it may end in disaster just like every time I've done this. But this time I know that I can change the outcome somehow.
I will research and read and watch and think and develop so that maybe the methods do not have to carry so strong. However, I would do anything to get a good story going. It's my passion.
I've only just realized it. But yes, writing is my life-long passion.
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