Devin has said to me a couple of times that, before we met, he was sad and depressed. I might seem a bit obnoxious saying this myself, but I have made his life better. This is what he has told me, so I'm just going by word of mouth. I know that about a year ago, and a few years before that, I was also going through some sort of depression and, to an extent, anxiety. However, when I started going to college, my life became immensly better and I felt like I didn't give a shit about anything - But in a good way. I felt like I didn't need anything but College, my family, and my college mates.
However, after I met Devin as Devin (not as Alchemized), I sometimes have a reason to be upset. Not because I don't like the relationship or it's made me more sensitive towards things, I just don't feel happy 100% of the time now, because there have been some times in our relationship where we've brought up subjects that are extremely sensitive. I'm not saying that I'm sad for even 10% of the time, because that's definitely not the case. There have just been some down moments that hardly last a day because of those sensitive subjects.
I remember when Devin once said, when we were a borderline couple (trying to figure out whether we should be together or not), that I liked Mark - a.k.a He assumed that I wanted to be with him, which is why there were difficulties in decision making. I also remember my reaction, which was a definite no. It has made me think sometimes, of times where others have insinuated that I wanted to be with Mark. We were friends pretty quick mainly because our personalities are very similar, but I've always thought that Mark isn't boyfriend material, especially if we were to go out. It's weird because whenever I've had guy friends that were close, I would end up falling for them, but I guess that because Mark had a girlfriend at the time, it was a total turn off because I don't fall for guys that already have a girlfriend. It just doesn't appeal to me, and I guess it never has. Even when Mark split up with her girlfriend, I had no stronger feelings towards him. I suppose it's because it's Mark, and the closest we'll ever be is bromance.
On the otherhand, I definitely think that Devin is boyfriend material, although we hardly had time to be friends because whatever happened seemed almost instant when we started talking properly - With Devin as Devin, and Leigh as Leigh. But I'm not complaning because I think that our relationship wouldn't have come to be in any other circumstance.
I think that another reason why there was no appeal towards Mark, even with other guys in the past aswell, is because I'm such a tomboy. I wear hoodies, no makeup, my hair always used to be up in a pony-tail, and I wear guys trainers. I also do stuff that stereotypically a guy would do. I game, I talk about sex quite a lot, I joke about the dirtiest of shit, I watch porn, I masturbate, and I even make really sexist jokes about women. That's why there's no appeal.
However, with Devin, all my mushy-gushy-lovey-dovey soft side comes out. I still act like I normally do at College, but with a bit more sensitivity. Mark was very surprised when he first heard me speaking to Devin because I'm always like 'AGHHH' and not like 'D'awhhh'. But I'm glad that there's a slight difference when I speak to Devin even though I'm still myself, and I'm glad that I can still be myself around him, because I think that he's the first guy I've ever been out with where I haven't felt petrified to be as much as myself as I can possibly be. I know this because I can say that I love Devin's balls and not feel like a complete twat. I love your balls Devin, oh and I also like you. I like you aswell! :3
Tuesday, 28 February 2012
Wednesday, 22 February 2012
Loren
Leigh did a post about Emma, I may as well do a post about my Loren.
From the first moment that we communicated, we loved each other. We thought about it later how when we first met we pretended to be a couple. Funny, considering what we became. I met Loren through an online friend, Danielle, we don't talk anymore. I was put into a group conversation on MSN and Loren and I pretended to be a couple saying "I love you" and such. I added her and we began to talk, not knowing that our love for each other would grow immensely.
I specifically remember that one time Loren accidentally sent me a message in french. She told me to ignore it, but instead I copied it into google translate and the only bits it translated well enough weren't very nice. It was a message about someone beating her, hitting her, abusing her. I asked her about it but she wouldn't tell me. I told her to be safe and that I cared. It's hard for me to remember every day that passed, just because I don't have the best memory.
We talked nearly every day. She was 4 hours behind my time so I would stay up as late as I could just to talk to her. I didn't care that I got yelled at by my parents, as long as I got to talk to Loren, I was happy. I remember when the computer was in the office and I would go in there and not come out for hours on end just because I wanted to talk to Loren.We talked every day and we began to see that... We loved each other.
I didn't have a cell phone back then, oh how I wish I did. We talked on the phone for hours and hours, sometimes not talking about anything, sometimes having long discussions. We talked of me going to visit when I could get enough money, and once my parents allowed. See, she lived in British Columbia which is on the other side of Canada from where I am. Pretty far. Despite the distance, we talked and loved for 2 years, never leaving each other. Sure, we had our moments when we doubted the relationship, but we held strong and we stayed with each other. We were never officially "dating" but we were in love. We didn't know what to do because of the distance and eventually she wanted me to date someone that I had somewhat of a connection with... Mariah, but she is a different story. I should have never done that to her. On facebook we were engaged... I wish it was still there. On facebook I had a poke from her... I don't know why it disappeared.
Things started to get bad in my house, lots of fighting, banks calling non-stop and somewhat of a depression. Here's when things get really bad. Since the bank took our house, we had to move out. We couldn't make the payments so we had nowhere to live. My dad got a U-Haul and we started putting stuff in... The last night at my house, I was playing Call of Duty and Loren called... I wanted to play some more so I told her I'd call her later... Biggest mistake of my life. I didn't hear from her for the next couple days. I was busy moving out so it wasn't in the front of my mind... I was going to call her or message her once I could, I was just rather busy. The last trip from the house, we were about to leave and go stay at a place a friend was lending us while they weren't there... My mom decides to play the answering machine to check messages before we leave... There is one from Loren's mother. It says something around the lines of; "Devin, Loren's been murdered, please call this number right away..." and she gave her number. I stopped at the top of the stairs, frozen. I didn't know what to do. I screamed "What?! What did she just say?! Call her right now!" and my mom picked up the phone, listened to the message again and called Loren's mother.
I couldn't bear the news. I paced, waiting for an answer and that's when I was told that the love of my life was dead. I yelled at the top of my lungs, punched walls repeatedly, went outside and screamed for whatever god is out there to take me instead. People say it feels like a dream when someone they love dies... It feels like a nightmare that you cannot wake up from. That went on and my mom hugged me, tears streaming down my face... I didn't know what to do. I could barely stand, I couldn't speak... All I could do was sob. I got the phone and Loren's mom told me what happened and what was going on... I tried so hard not to break down, but I couldn't help it. After everything at home, when I was a bit calmer, we got in the car and we went to my friend Sam's house... He wasn't there, so I told his mom what happened and my mom and I went to our new home.
Sam knocked on the door and hugged me. I didn't know what to do, I hugged him back and cried. From there, we got in his truck and went into Arnprior, looking for someone who could help. We went to my friend Daniel's work and he came outside to talk... He hugged me, not letting go and cried on his shoulder for a few minutes. Sam then drove me to my friend Dana's and I saw her... After seeing people, talking and crying... Sam took me home. I laid on the couch, staring at the ceiling, not thinking... barely breathing... and wishing I would wake up from this nightmare.
I woke up and went to school the next day. For the next week of school, I was lifeless. I walked around the halls with no emotions on my face. I couldn't bear to do anything. This marked the next year of my life being depressed, suicidal and sad. Sure, sometimes I could say "She'd want me to be happy." But I was sad beyond all comprehension.
I will never forget Loren, nor will I ever stop loving her. I have Leigh now, and she reminds me so much of Loren... I hate to compare... but oh well.
Thank you so much Leigh.
I will remember you, Loren.
From the first moment that we communicated, we loved each other. We thought about it later how when we first met we pretended to be a couple. Funny, considering what we became. I met Loren through an online friend, Danielle, we don't talk anymore. I was put into a group conversation on MSN and Loren and I pretended to be a couple saying "I love you" and such. I added her and we began to talk, not knowing that our love for each other would grow immensely.
I specifically remember that one time Loren accidentally sent me a message in french. She told me to ignore it, but instead I copied it into google translate and the only bits it translated well enough weren't very nice. It was a message about someone beating her, hitting her, abusing her. I asked her about it but she wouldn't tell me. I told her to be safe and that I cared. It's hard for me to remember every day that passed, just because I don't have the best memory.
We talked nearly every day. She was 4 hours behind my time so I would stay up as late as I could just to talk to her. I didn't care that I got yelled at by my parents, as long as I got to talk to Loren, I was happy. I remember when the computer was in the office and I would go in there and not come out for hours on end just because I wanted to talk to Loren.We talked every day and we began to see that... We loved each other.
I didn't have a cell phone back then, oh how I wish I did. We talked on the phone for hours and hours, sometimes not talking about anything, sometimes having long discussions. We talked of me going to visit when I could get enough money, and once my parents allowed. See, she lived in British Columbia which is on the other side of Canada from where I am. Pretty far. Despite the distance, we talked and loved for 2 years, never leaving each other. Sure, we had our moments when we doubted the relationship, but we held strong and we stayed with each other. We were never officially "dating" but we were in love. We didn't know what to do because of the distance and eventually she wanted me to date someone that I had somewhat of a connection with... Mariah, but she is a different story. I should have never done that to her. On facebook we were engaged... I wish it was still there. On facebook I had a poke from her... I don't know why it disappeared.
Things started to get bad in my house, lots of fighting, banks calling non-stop and somewhat of a depression. Here's when things get really bad. Since the bank took our house, we had to move out. We couldn't make the payments so we had nowhere to live. My dad got a U-Haul and we started putting stuff in... The last night at my house, I was playing Call of Duty and Loren called... I wanted to play some more so I told her I'd call her later... Biggest mistake of my life. I didn't hear from her for the next couple days. I was busy moving out so it wasn't in the front of my mind... I was going to call her or message her once I could, I was just rather busy. The last trip from the house, we were about to leave and go stay at a place a friend was lending us while they weren't there... My mom decides to play the answering machine to check messages before we leave... There is one from Loren's mother. It says something around the lines of; "Devin, Loren's been murdered, please call this number right away..." and she gave her number. I stopped at the top of the stairs, frozen. I didn't know what to do. I screamed "What?! What did she just say?! Call her right now!" and my mom picked up the phone, listened to the message again and called Loren's mother.
I couldn't bear the news. I paced, waiting for an answer and that's when I was told that the love of my life was dead. I yelled at the top of my lungs, punched walls repeatedly, went outside and screamed for whatever god is out there to take me instead. People say it feels like a dream when someone they love dies... It feels like a nightmare that you cannot wake up from. That went on and my mom hugged me, tears streaming down my face... I didn't know what to do. I could barely stand, I couldn't speak... All I could do was sob. I got the phone and Loren's mom told me what happened and what was going on... I tried so hard not to break down, but I couldn't help it. After everything at home, when I was a bit calmer, we got in the car and we went to my friend Sam's house... He wasn't there, so I told his mom what happened and my mom and I went to our new home.
Sam knocked on the door and hugged me. I didn't know what to do, I hugged him back and cried. From there, we got in his truck and went into Arnprior, looking for someone who could help. We went to my friend Daniel's work and he came outside to talk... He hugged me, not letting go and cried on his shoulder for a few minutes. Sam then drove me to my friend Dana's and I saw her... After seeing people, talking and crying... Sam took me home. I laid on the couch, staring at the ceiling, not thinking... barely breathing... and wishing I would wake up from this nightmare.
I woke up and went to school the next day. For the next week of school, I was lifeless. I walked around the halls with no emotions on my face. I couldn't bear to do anything. This marked the next year of my life being depressed, suicidal and sad. Sure, sometimes I could say "She'd want me to be happy." But I was sad beyond all comprehension.
I will never forget Loren, nor will I ever stop loving her. I have Leigh now, and she reminds me so much of Loren... I hate to compare... but oh well.
Thank you so much Leigh.
I will remember you, Loren.
Tuesday, 21 February 2012
While You Sleep #2
I am pretty tired at the moment, so I don't know whether this blog post will be of any decency, but I will try my best because I have a lot of jumbled thoughts in my mind at the moment that need to be put somewhere.
So it's 5:42 in the morning currently. Devin has just gone to sleep, just for a nap, because he was really tired and it's nearly 2 am for him anyway so I thought I'd let him sleep. In all honesty I didn't want him to leave, I just wanted him to stay awake so we could talk, but I know that he wouldn't have been able to stay awake anyways and I'd rather let him sleep than let him endure two hours of suffering because he's trying to stay awake.
I feel kind of at ease when I'm writing in this blog anyway, especially when I'm writing about him. It feels like when I used to write in a diary to keep a record of what was going on in my life (Remember when I told you that I used to be a bitch? I relived that in the last two years of high school and wrote all of it down, except all that was missing was the me being a bitch part, so it was mainly depression and paranoia - Maybe I should write about that too sometime). It's nice to just get things down sometimes because it feels like I'm in this bubble and nothing else can touch me or disturb me because my thoughts are just constantly being put on to paper, or in this scenario on the screen.
I feel as if I like Devin more and more every day. He does these little things that I just love, and there seems to be no faults at all in our relationship. Well maybe there is on my side, but that's only because I think quite a lot and don't actually say it until a few days or maybe a week later.
One thing that surprised me the other day is an answer I got from Mark when I asked him, 'Who do you think likes the other more in mine and Devin's relationship?' And Mark answered that he thinks Devin likes me more. I have thought about this before, whether Devin likes me more than I like him, but only because he can say things and do things that make me feel like I'm on top of the world and yet I can't seem to do that for him. I really do like him more than I've ever liked anyone before, and that's not exaggerating the situation either. I have never in my life thought about my future with someone that I've been in a ralationship with before (The exception is Emma, but technically we were never in a relationship past 'Friends with Benefits'). Devin is the only boyfriend I've ever had where I've thought about having a future with them.
I don't think I would have said it before, but I'll say it now. Devin makes up the majority of my whole life at the moment, and he is the one that is keeping me happy and on my feet. I was getting to a point at College where I thought that I would start getting jealous and anxious and sad just like I used to be in High School, but I know that can never happen now because Devin is my reason to carry on in pure happiness. Pure happiness. Just the thought of Devin and I not being together in the future, or us breaking up, makes me never want to think about it again. It actually makes my chest thump because I don't want it to happen. Sure I've said in recent posts that there is a chance that it might not work out, but instead of thinking about that negatively, I say that there's a chance in every relationship that that might happen.
The reason why I've never been that open about my feelings of Devin is because whenever I've done that in a relationship, shared my true thoughts on how I feel, we've always split up soon after. So I guess that the only reason why I'm not constantly all lovey-dovey and always givegiveigive is because I don't want to lose him. I don't want to lose him because he makes me feel like I am amazing, like I am beautiful, like I am something worth being with or someone worth talking to.
Without him, my life would have carried on being in this world where I'm either on or off, switching from one mood to another because there are some things that I can't control in my life that would cause me to break down.
Another thing I'm gratful for is that Devin brought Mark and I closer as friends. Mark is a fucking awesome friend. He doesn't give a shit and it's always optimism and 'why the fuck should I care'. It's made me a happier person having him as a friend, and we've also got to the point now where we can share secrets and we can trust one another to not tell anyone else. I thank Devin for this because I wanted Mark to meet Devin, but to do that I had to tell Mark to get Skype. We have the most hilarious conversations in Skype calls, so I guess that the extra communication between College has somehow boosted the friendship bar up a notch.
I don't want Devin to read this and think that he couldn't have made me this happy, but he did. I don't want to sleep just because I want him to wake up and have me there. I think that he always will have me there, because I think that I know that nothing could prevent me from liking him as much as I do now. Time will pass, and there is a miniscule chance that these feelings for him will change, but I very much highly doubt this because he is the one and only guy that can make me smile more than anyone ever could.
So it's 5:42 in the morning currently. Devin has just gone to sleep, just for a nap, because he was really tired and it's nearly 2 am for him anyway so I thought I'd let him sleep. In all honesty I didn't want him to leave, I just wanted him to stay awake so we could talk, but I know that he wouldn't have been able to stay awake anyways and I'd rather let him sleep than let him endure two hours of suffering because he's trying to stay awake.
I feel kind of at ease when I'm writing in this blog anyway, especially when I'm writing about him. It feels like when I used to write in a diary to keep a record of what was going on in my life (Remember when I told you that I used to be a bitch? I relived that in the last two years of high school and wrote all of it down, except all that was missing was the me being a bitch part, so it was mainly depression and paranoia - Maybe I should write about that too sometime). It's nice to just get things down sometimes because it feels like I'm in this bubble and nothing else can touch me or disturb me because my thoughts are just constantly being put on to paper, or in this scenario on the screen.
I feel as if I like Devin more and more every day. He does these little things that I just love, and there seems to be no faults at all in our relationship. Well maybe there is on my side, but that's only because I think quite a lot and don't actually say it until a few days or maybe a week later.
One thing that surprised me the other day is an answer I got from Mark when I asked him, 'Who do you think likes the other more in mine and Devin's relationship?' And Mark answered that he thinks Devin likes me more. I have thought about this before, whether Devin likes me more than I like him, but only because he can say things and do things that make me feel like I'm on top of the world and yet I can't seem to do that for him. I really do like him more than I've ever liked anyone before, and that's not exaggerating the situation either. I have never in my life thought about my future with someone that I've been in a ralationship with before (The exception is Emma, but technically we were never in a relationship past 'Friends with Benefits'). Devin is the only boyfriend I've ever had where I've thought about having a future with them.
I don't think I would have said it before, but I'll say it now. Devin makes up the majority of my whole life at the moment, and he is the one that is keeping me happy and on my feet. I was getting to a point at College where I thought that I would start getting jealous and anxious and sad just like I used to be in High School, but I know that can never happen now because Devin is my reason to carry on in pure happiness. Pure happiness. Just the thought of Devin and I not being together in the future, or us breaking up, makes me never want to think about it again. It actually makes my chest thump because I don't want it to happen. Sure I've said in recent posts that there is a chance that it might not work out, but instead of thinking about that negatively, I say that there's a chance in every relationship that that might happen.
The reason why I've never been that open about my feelings of Devin is because whenever I've done that in a relationship, shared my true thoughts on how I feel, we've always split up soon after. So I guess that the only reason why I'm not constantly all lovey-dovey and always givegiveigive is because I don't want to lose him. I don't want to lose him because he makes me feel like I am amazing, like I am beautiful, like I am something worth being with or someone worth talking to.
Without him, my life would have carried on being in this world where I'm either on or off, switching from one mood to another because there are some things that I can't control in my life that would cause me to break down.
Another thing I'm gratful for is that Devin brought Mark and I closer as friends. Mark is a fucking awesome friend. He doesn't give a shit and it's always optimism and 'why the fuck should I care'. It's made me a happier person having him as a friend, and we've also got to the point now where we can share secrets and we can trust one another to not tell anyone else. I thank Devin for this because I wanted Mark to meet Devin, but to do that I had to tell Mark to get Skype. We have the most hilarious conversations in Skype calls, so I guess that the extra communication between College has somehow boosted the friendship bar up a notch.
I don't want Devin to read this and think that he couldn't have made me this happy, but he did. I don't want to sleep just because I want him to wake up and have me there. I think that he always will have me there, because I think that I know that nothing could prevent me from liking him as much as I do now. Time will pass, and there is a miniscule chance that these feelings for him will change, but I very much highly doubt this because he is the one and only guy that can make me smile more than anyone ever could.
Monday, 20 February 2012
I'm not sure what to write in this post, but I am going to attempt to write something worth reading. The last few weeks have been just talking to Leigh and playing Modern Warfare 3. I can't wait for her to have MW3 because then that's something we can do together and perhaps feel closer to one another through the playing of this video game.
It seems that all I hope for is to be closer to Leigh. Either directly or indirectly. I handed out resumes to find a job so that I could have money to find Leigh and I a place to live. I go to the gym so that I can stay fit for Leigh. It seems I do most, if not everything for her. She means a lot to me and I want to do everything in my power to make our lives perfect.
Tomorrow I think I'm going to call the places I handed in resumes at. As a follow-up. Then maybe I can figure out whether I have a job or not. I really hope I do, because if I don't, I think I'll get mildly depressed and end up feeling like the failure I usually feel like. Leigh can usually make me feel better if I'm in a bad mood, so I'm not too worried... I like this feeling of happiness though. I like not being depressed and lonely anymore, so I'd rather not feel like that at all anymore. It may seem pathetic to get upset over it, but I suppose I have this low self-esteem somewhere inside of me and sometimes it comes out. Oh well, I'll continue to try to get over it.
Recently, I've been thinking about Loren a lot. Leigh reminds me a lot of her and whenever I see a certain shade of a color on a Facebook picture, I think of her. Maybe I'll talk about what happened more in another post.
Well, this is my blog post. I hope your enjoyed reading it.
It seems that all I hope for is to be closer to Leigh. Either directly or indirectly. I handed out resumes to find a job so that I could have money to find Leigh and I a place to live. I go to the gym so that I can stay fit for Leigh. It seems I do most, if not everything for her. She means a lot to me and I want to do everything in my power to make our lives perfect.
Tomorrow I think I'm going to call the places I handed in resumes at. As a follow-up. Then maybe I can figure out whether I have a job or not. I really hope I do, because if I don't, I think I'll get mildly depressed and end up feeling like the failure I usually feel like. Leigh can usually make me feel better if I'm in a bad mood, so I'm not too worried... I like this feeling of happiness though. I like not being depressed and lonely anymore, so I'd rather not feel like that at all anymore. It may seem pathetic to get upset over it, but I suppose I have this low self-esteem somewhere inside of me and sometimes it comes out. Oh well, I'll continue to try to get over it.
Recently, I've been thinking about Loren a lot. Leigh reminds me a lot of her and whenever I see a certain shade of a color on a Facebook picture, I think of her. Maybe I'll talk about what happened more in another post.
Well, this is my blog post. I hope your enjoyed reading it.
Sunday, 19 February 2012
A lot of Shit
To be completely honest, I haven't done a great deal of work this week. Although it's been over a week without being at College and I've had all of that time to get it done, I've only officially started since yesterday where I did a whole batch of Logbook Work (That's on my other blog that I'm going to be using for College logbooks). I was thinking about doing the rest of my Business Assignments today since it's the last day of the holidays, but unless I wake up properly I don't think I'm going to be able to get them done.
I guess It's fine if I don't finish my logbook straight away because our groups performance was postponed until next Thursday, and my Research Project is the easiest thing I've ever had to do in College, so I'm pretty nailed down when it comes to getting the work done in a decent amount of time. The only thing that's going to bother me next week is having College and having to do last terms College work. I'm glad that I'm definitely going to be dedicated to every piece of my work next term, and I know I will be because I have Devin.
Even though it's still been hard to get my work done lately, because I have next to nought of motivation to do it, I have felt the need to actually do it because Devin's been helping me. Although he asks whether he can help or not, he already does because knowing that I want to do it for him makes me feel like I can do it. I did so much written work yesterday, I know that I probably wouldn't have done it at all if I didn't have Devin there, and I'm glad that I can give him that peace of mind instead of being a stressy bitch who is way too stubborn and annoying to be around. I do try, lol, and all I can wish for is that what I do is good enough for him to be happy with.
I also asked her about what dad would think. She didn't really answer, especially because I told her that Devin said hi to my dad once and he replied like he wasn't happy at all. I don't care too much about what my dad thinks because he knows nothing about Devin; who is he to judge whether Devin is the right guy for me or not? He was like this even with my older sisters every time they had boyfriends. Whenever they came to the house I could tell that he was swallowing back something. No, I don't care at all. My dad might have been my idol throughout the majority of my life, but I'm turning 18 this year and I will be 18 by the time I go visit Devin, so he can go suck a dick as far as I'm concerned. I fucking love you dad, but you need to take a chill pill.
Speaking of parents, they also reminded me of something that's going to happen next week. Quite a few weeks ago I mentioned the death of my mums dog and that she had to be put down. I also mentioned further on in the post that the puppy we got about a year ago also has to be put down because she's too aggressive. Her name is Willow. Willow will be put down next week, on Wednesday, so I guess that's another thing amongst all the other shit I'm going to have to handle in the coming week.But I guess the work I'm going to have to do will distract me, and Devin is always there for me anyway, so I don't have anything to worry about. It's just a shame that it has to happen and there's nothing else we can do.
Sofie on the left, our 4 year old Miniature Schnauzer.
Willow on the right, a few days after we got her.
Saturday, 18 February 2012
Emma
(Warning: Might get a tad down-beat)
So, last night Devin asked me who Emma is. I'm guessing he asked me about her because of my last blog post, and I might have mentioned her in past conversations. But I thought that since he has told me quite a lot that happened to him before we met, it would only be fair to tell him about Emma - That's the least I could do.
One problem with telling him everything that happened between me and Emma is that some other things happened in between that could only be explained if I came out with a lot of other personal secrets that I haven't told many others. It also involves family somewhat, but I guess we could discuss that later when I'm not so hyped up on tea that's been caked with sugar.
So when I started High School where I used to live, in southern England, I became best friends with this boy called Macauly. Of course, at that moment, I thought that Macauly was the most amazing friend I've ever had. But then, two years into High School, I met this girl called Emma. We sort of knew each other through Macauly because we used to have PE together, and so Macauly had to choose between Emma and I for PE partners.
But because Emma and I were quite devious, we decided one lesson that we should pair up as partners, instead of Macauly choosing either of us so that Macauly was left alone with the people who didn't get chosen. I don't ever regret making that decision, even though some terrible things happened at a later date.
We became so close that we started doing things that no one would even think about doing at our age. We were both really into fantasy and role-play, so it was literally like a reenactment of 'Bridge to Terebithia'., before it was even released. We would go through the forests and the fields just running around and playing, and pretending that we were in a world that didn't even exist; But it did to us.
Eventually our whole friendship revolved around just Emma and I in this world that we called 'The Game', constantly playing on through the whole day and night until we finally fell asleep. Thinking back now it all seemed so real, and it feels near impossible that we could just simply delve into this place in our minds where nothing else existed outside of it. I was so happy that we shared this passion, and that we could feel comfortable doing it together instead of feeling like a couple of child-like noobs like most people would feel if they tried to do it.
I have small diary's of what happened every day, and I like to go back and read about what we used to do and how much fun we had. But then I get to the end of the diary's... Everything just seemed to go so wrong, so fast. I try to think of ways that I could have stopped it from happening, but I was too selfish to stop it.
To others, it might not have seemed so bad, but the one thing that I treasured most was Emma and only Emma. She was the best thing that had happened to me for the single reason that we could do anything together and none of it was wrong or judged. Nothing mattered anymore.
I think that stopped when we started to bring our own problems into The Game. What was worse is that I started to get rebounds from a past problem I had, and began to become a nasty bitch because of it. I would lie and do things behind her back that could possibly have a bad affect on her in the future. It was like I was playing mind games, like there was no villain in the story so I had to become some kind of monster just so I could fulfil that want. The thoughts that went on through my head were awful, and Emma didn't know anything about these thoughts at the time, but the worst thing was that I was thinking them, even though she was this treasure that I was supposed to keep safe and close.
Sometimes I would even feel guilty about what I was doing, even though I didn't realise what I was doing at the time, and I would tell her what was wrong with me, but I guess even for Emma it was too bizarre to believe with all the crap I had thrown at her beforehand.
Over time I started to notice that she was starting to develop some problems. She would pass out sometimes, or get really frantic at the most random times. I remember one time when she, Bradley, and I were walking along the road and a single car came down. We were talking normally and having a nice time, but then Emma started to shout at me, 'Did you see that? Did you see what was in that car? We need to go help them now!', and she just kept shouting and screaming.
It's painful thinking back and not knowing what to do or say in that moment. I wish I could have just ran up to her and hugged her and told her that everything was going to be okay, that I was going to make everything better, that I was going to stop being such a bad person and that we should just forget about The Game and have a normal life. I know that's all she ever wanted. I couldn't give her that.
After I moved away, she told me that she had been diagnosed with Schizophrenia. In the last year and a half that we were friends, Emma and I forgot about the game and moved on. Our friendship wasn't as strong as when we we're in the full heat of The Game, but it was still strong. I still slept over her house, although not as much, and we still shared secrets like before.
I would say that in the last two months before I moved, we became incredibly close again. It was amazing, and I was so happy. I went out to where she lived and we walked along the streets and through the forests again. There was one time when it snowed and I remember that all of us went down to her town and played in the snow on the roundabout. Those two months seemed like the best of my life, and I'm so happy that I got to spend some time with her so we could rebuild that trust and friendship that we once had.
We stayed in close contact when I moved. We would talk every day and I would make sure that I had credit on my phone so that I could text her as well. Our friendship stayed just as strong as it was before I had moved, and did for quite a while.
She told me that she was Schizophrenic when I moved.
During those last few months and onwards, all I wanted to do was protect Emma, to make sure that she felt safe and comfortable. All that mattered was Emma and the way she felt, and what she did. I had no interest in anything else because all that I could ever care for was her. I just constantly felt ashamed of myself for not realising her situation earlier, knowing that I could have done something, even helped prevent it from getting so bad - I just felt that all I was doing was making it worse. But I was there for her now, even if I was so far away, I knew that I could help her feel more safe by assuring her that everything was going to be okay, and that everything was going to get better for her.
After this, it gets complicated. Emma has always been the greatest friend I've ever had. Even now that I have other friends like Mark, she has been the one who made my childhood so much better, even though we also had some pretty hard down-falls; I blame those down-falls on myself. There was a point in our friendship, after I had moved, where I had fallen in love with Emma. At the time, I thought that nothing could dissuade me from loving her as much as I did then.
This may seem odd, but I was so in love with her that it hurt. It hurt not being able to see her every day like I used to, and it hurt just not being able to be there as a friend. To be there for her. I wrote songs and poems and drew pictures for her that she never saw. I used to think about her every day and every night, unable to concentrate or care about anything else.
It was only until she found out, that my life seemed to shatter. I told her about how I felt one night, but she told me that she didn't feel the same way... Not even in the slightest.
I remember when she used to lead me on after she knew how much I loved her, and I used to take in all of it. I thought that she was doing it so that I didn't feel so neglected, not to be a bitch. The one thing that I know for sure is that once I told her, and I knew that she didn't feel the same, I used to cry every night because I wanted her so much. Even just to be there next to her as a supportive friend would be enough to keep my tears back. I remember crying through the night, not knowing what to do to make that horrible feeling stop. I wanted to stop crying, but I couldn't, the feelings just kept taking over my whole mind and I couldn't take all of the stress I was under.
I didn't tell her that I was so upset, of course. I couldn't do that, and I couldn't make her feel pressured to make me feel better because of the stress she was under from her condition. All I did was smile and get on with it, going along with her and making sure that she was happy.
I remember one time when she had told me that her childhood friend, Bradley, had asked her to move abroad with him after college so that they could be together. I had to help her make the decision of whether she should be with him or not. I think I told her that she should wait and see what happens between them both, and then go with him if she feels that they could have a good future together. She wasn't sure what to do, but I had to help her. I had to help her make the best decision without being selfish, or too selfless.
I cried for so long, and it hurt so much. I was getting one step further away from Emma every second, and I could feel that she was pulling away from me. I still loved her with every breath I could take even though it was tearing me apart. I couldn't do anything because everything was reminding me of her, and I cried so much that I would get nauseous and couldn't sleep.
I eventually decided quite a few months later that I needed to stop talking to her. It was the only way that I would be able to get over her. I have to admit that It's one of the hardest things that I've ever had to do, and it took months just to stop thinking about her. I would think I was okay one week, but then I would start crying again. When I finally knew that I was stable, and had myself rooted into the ground again, I started talking to her, like a friend, like we were.
We don't talk at all anymore. I know for sure that I don't love her like I used to, and I'm glad that she's in College now and getting the qualifications she needs to become all she wants to be. It's not that I don't want to talk to her, I just don't feel the need. I still feel that I want her to know that she's safe, and that we can always be friends, but she has moved on now and so should I.
If I hadn't of moved, then we would probably be just as close as we were before I moved, but I know that I would have also not fallen in love with her. If I hadn't of moved, then I wouldn't have become so interested in Gaming again, and therefore would never have met Devin.
I'm glad I met Devin, because he gave me the strength and courage to write the rest of this blog. I had stopped half way through because I couldn't take it, and I didn't want to remember again. I felt that it was stupid that I was even thinking about this, let alone writing about it. But it's not stupid, it's just the past, and whether the past was good or bad, you shouldn't feel ashamed of what you did or what happened because it's who you are now that really matters.
If you've ever had a friendship or relationship with someone before, and you know that it's lost now, you should know that you should never feel like it's all over because there's always someone out there waiting for you. Whether it takes two months, two years or even a decade, all you can do is do your best to move on in hope that you will have a better future.
There are other things that I could have mentioned in this blog, but i wanted to focus on Emma. There are times when I have written about this or explained to others (I can think of one time where I've had no choice but to explain all of this), and I've added in other details that weren't necessary when talking about Emma. However, now that I've had the chance to open up about everything, I can talk about the things that mattered most.
She was my whole life, and I'm glad that I could spend my childhood with her like I did.
So, last night Devin asked me who Emma is. I'm guessing he asked me about her because of my last blog post, and I might have mentioned her in past conversations. But I thought that since he has told me quite a lot that happened to him before we met, it would only be fair to tell him about Emma - That's the least I could do.
One problem with telling him everything that happened between me and Emma is that some other things happened in between that could only be explained if I came out with a lot of other personal secrets that I haven't told many others. It also involves family somewhat, but I guess we could discuss that later when I'm not so hyped up on tea that's been caked with sugar.
So when I started High School where I used to live, in southern England, I became best friends with this boy called Macauly. Of course, at that moment, I thought that Macauly was the most amazing friend I've ever had. But then, two years into High School, I met this girl called Emma. We sort of knew each other through Macauly because we used to have PE together, and so Macauly had to choose between Emma and I for PE partners.
But because Emma and I were quite devious, we decided one lesson that we should pair up as partners, instead of Macauly choosing either of us so that Macauly was left alone with the people who didn't get chosen. I don't ever regret making that decision, even though some terrible things happened at a later date.
We became so close that we started doing things that no one would even think about doing at our age. We were both really into fantasy and role-play, so it was literally like a reenactment of 'Bridge to Terebithia'., before it was even released. We would go through the forests and the fields just running around and playing, and pretending that we were in a world that didn't even exist; But it did to us.
Eventually our whole friendship revolved around just Emma and I in this world that we called 'The Game', constantly playing on through the whole day and night until we finally fell asleep. Thinking back now it all seemed so real, and it feels near impossible that we could just simply delve into this place in our minds where nothing else existed outside of it. I was so happy that we shared this passion, and that we could feel comfortable doing it together instead of feeling like a couple of child-like noobs like most people would feel if they tried to do it.
I have small diary's of what happened every day, and I like to go back and read about what we used to do and how much fun we had. But then I get to the end of the diary's... Everything just seemed to go so wrong, so fast. I try to think of ways that I could have stopped it from happening, but I was too selfish to stop it.
To others, it might not have seemed so bad, but the one thing that I treasured most was Emma and only Emma. She was the best thing that had happened to me for the single reason that we could do anything together and none of it was wrong or judged. Nothing mattered anymore.
I think that stopped when we started to bring our own problems into The Game. What was worse is that I started to get rebounds from a past problem I had, and began to become a nasty bitch because of it. I would lie and do things behind her back that could possibly have a bad affect on her in the future. It was like I was playing mind games, like there was no villain in the story so I had to become some kind of monster just so I could fulfil that want. The thoughts that went on through my head were awful, and Emma didn't know anything about these thoughts at the time, but the worst thing was that I was thinking them, even though she was this treasure that I was supposed to keep safe and close.
Sometimes I would even feel guilty about what I was doing, even though I didn't realise what I was doing at the time, and I would tell her what was wrong with me, but I guess even for Emma it was too bizarre to believe with all the crap I had thrown at her beforehand.
Over time I started to notice that she was starting to develop some problems. She would pass out sometimes, or get really frantic at the most random times. I remember one time when she, Bradley, and I were walking along the road and a single car came down. We were talking normally and having a nice time, but then Emma started to shout at me, 'Did you see that? Did you see what was in that car? We need to go help them now!', and she just kept shouting and screaming.
It's painful thinking back and not knowing what to do or say in that moment. I wish I could have just ran up to her and hugged her and told her that everything was going to be okay, that I was going to make everything better, that I was going to stop being such a bad person and that we should just forget about The Game and have a normal life. I know that's all she ever wanted. I couldn't give her that.
After I moved away, she told me that she had been diagnosed with Schizophrenia. In the last year and a half that we were friends, Emma and I forgot about the game and moved on. Our friendship wasn't as strong as when we we're in the full heat of The Game, but it was still strong. I still slept over her house, although not as much, and we still shared secrets like before.
I would say that in the last two months before I moved, we became incredibly close again. It was amazing, and I was so happy. I went out to where she lived and we walked along the streets and through the forests again. There was one time when it snowed and I remember that all of us went down to her town and played in the snow on the roundabout. Those two months seemed like the best of my life, and I'm so happy that I got to spend some time with her so we could rebuild that trust and friendship that we once had.
We stayed in close contact when I moved. We would talk every day and I would make sure that I had credit on my phone so that I could text her as well. Our friendship stayed just as strong as it was before I had moved, and did for quite a while.
She told me that she was Schizophrenic when I moved.
During those last few months and onwards, all I wanted to do was protect Emma, to make sure that she felt safe and comfortable. All that mattered was Emma and the way she felt, and what she did. I had no interest in anything else because all that I could ever care for was her. I just constantly felt ashamed of myself for not realising her situation earlier, knowing that I could have done something, even helped prevent it from getting so bad - I just felt that all I was doing was making it worse. But I was there for her now, even if I was so far away, I knew that I could help her feel more safe by assuring her that everything was going to be okay, and that everything was going to get better for her.
After this, it gets complicated. Emma has always been the greatest friend I've ever had. Even now that I have other friends like Mark, she has been the one who made my childhood so much better, even though we also had some pretty hard down-falls; I blame those down-falls on myself. There was a point in our friendship, after I had moved, where I had fallen in love with Emma. At the time, I thought that nothing could dissuade me from loving her as much as I did then.
This may seem odd, but I was so in love with her that it hurt. It hurt not being able to see her every day like I used to, and it hurt just not being able to be there as a friend. To be there for her. I wrote songs and poems and drew pictures for her that she never saw. I used to think about her every day and every night, unable to concentrate or care about anything else.
It was only until she found out, that my life seemed to shatter. I told her about how I felt one night, but she told me that she didn't feel the same way... Not even in the slightest.
I remember when she used to lead me on after she knew how much I loved her, and I used to take in all of it. I thought that she was doing it so that I didn't feel so neglected, not to be a bitch. The one thing that I know for sure is that once I told her, and I knew that she didn't feel the same, I used to cry every night because I wanted her so much. Even just to be there next to her as a supportive friend would be enough to keep my tears back. I remember crying through the night, not knowing what to do to make that horrible feeling stop. I wanted to stop crying, but I couldn't, the feelings just kept taking over my whole mind and I couldn't take all of the stress I was under.
I didn't tell her that I was so upset, of course. I couldn't do that, and I couldn't make her feel pressured to make me feel better because of the stress she was under from her condition. All I did was smile and get on with it, going along with her and making sure that she was happy.
I remember one time when she had told me that her childhood friend, Bradley, had asked her to move abroad with him after college so that they could be together. I had to help her make the decision of whether she should be with him or not. I think I told her that she should wait and see what happens between them both, and then go with him if she feels that they could have a good future together. She wasn't sure what to do, but I had to help her. I had to help her make the best decision without being selfish, or too selfless.
I cried for so long, and it hurt so much. I was getting one step further away from Emma every second, and I could feel that she was pulling away from me. I still loved her with every breath I could take even though it was tearing me apart. I couldn't do anything because everything was reminding me of her, and I cried so much that I would get nauseous and couldn't sleep.
I eventually decided quite a few months later that I needed to stop talking to her. It was the only way that I would be able to get over her. I have to admit that It's one of the hardest things that I've ever had to do, and it took months just to stop thinking about her. I would think I was okay one week, but then I would start crying again. When I finally knew that I was stable, and had myself rooted into the ground again, I started talking to her, like a friend, like we were.
We don't talk at all anymore. I know for sure that I don't love her like I used to, and I'm glad that she's in College now and getting the qualifications she needs to become all she wants to be. It's not that I don't want to talk to her, I just don't feel the need. I still feel that I want her to know that she's safe, and that we can always be friends, but she has moved on now and so should I.
If I hadn't of moved, then we would probably be just as close as we were before I moved, but I know that I would have also not fallen in love with her. If I hadn't of moved, then I wouldn't have become so interested in Gaming again, and therefore would never have met Devin.
I'm glad I met Devin, because he gave me the strength and courage to write the rest of this blog. I had stopped half way through because I couldn't take it, and I didn't want to remember again. I felt that it was stupid that I was even thinking about this, let alone writing about it. But it's not stupid, it's just the past, and whether the past was good or bad, you shouldn't feel ashamed of what you did or what happened because it's who you are now that really matters.
If you've ever had a friendship or relationship with someone before, and you know that it's lost now, you should know that you should never feel like it's all over because there's always someone out there waiting for you. Whether it takes two months, two years or even a decade, all you can do is do your best to move on in hope that you will have a better future.
There are other things that I could have mentioned in this blog, but i wanted to focus on Emma. There are times when I have written about this or explained to others (I can think of one time where I've had no choice but to explain all of this), and I've added in other details that weren't necessary when talking about Emma. However, now that I've had the chance to open up about everything, I can talk about the things that mattered most.
She was my whole life, and I'm glad that I could spend my childhood with her like I did.
Sunday, 12 February 2012
No Such Thing As 'Too Happy'
I don't think that I have anything to worry about anymore. College starts again after half-term, and all I have to worry about during the holidays is getting a few assignments done. But apart from that, it's going to be a new term, a new start where Devin can make sure I do my logbook daily, otherwise there will be no Devin until it's done. Social life at College is just as good as the other side of College... Actually having to concentrate on my work. As not many people know now, except Mark on some things maybe, I used to be extremely shut away after I moved because I missed Emma so much that I felt that I couldn't live without her. (I might explain about Emma at a later date... If others are curious.) On top of that I had even more personal problems that even I didn't understand, let alone told anyone about. But I think that despite waiting seventeen years to be completely comfortable with every aspect of my social life, it's been fucking worth it.
Apart from that, the only other thing that bothered me over a month ago was that I had no idea when I was going to find... Someone else. It wasn't a major problem for me, and I didn't even think about it that much at College because I had quite a lot of friends that I spoke to (Having guy mates kind of makes up for the lack of no guys in my life at all.). I didn't think about it every day, but now that I have someone, I'm even happier than before I had someone... Before I had Devin; He has me too. I can be certain that nearly every time I dated another guy, either him or I wouldn't be happy with the relationship. Or whenever I wanted to date another guy, they would be totally disinterested in me. That is why I just gave up in the end, and is also why I was really surprised that Devin actually liked me.
AND NOW LOOK AT US! x)
Today I am incredibly happy. I don't know whether it's because I've slept for days and I just feel so energetic, but I've also survived the whole day not talking to Devin, and also not knowing what he's doing. I'm normally sort of frantic about it, so I feel that I've achieved at least something today.
Apart from that, the only other thing that bothered me over a month ago was that I had no idea when I was going to find... Someone else. It wasn't a major problem for me, and I didn't even think about it that much at College because I had quite a lot of friends that I spoke to (Having guy mates kind of makes up for the lack of no guys in my life at all.). I didn't think about it every day, but now that I have someone, I'm even happier than before I had someone... Before I had Devin; He has me too. I can be certain that nearly every time I dated another guy, either him or I wouldn't be happy with the relationship. Or whenever I wanted to date another guy, they would be totally disinterested in me. That is why I just gave up in the end, and is also why I was really surprised that Devin actually liked me.
AND NOW LOOK AT US! x)
Today I am incredibly happy. I don't know whether it's because I've slept for days and I just feel so energetic, but I've also survived the whole day not talking to Devin, and also not knowing what he's doing. I'm normally sort of frantic about it, so I feel that I've achieved at least something today.
Wednesday, 8 February 2012
You Read This To Me :3
Would it be harder to be in a good relationship with someone overseas and not meet them for years to come... Or to be in an amazing relationship with someone overseas and not to meet them for a year. Thinking about not being able to see Devin face to face until I've actually got a passport is somewhat painful.
I've had 'relationships' over the internet before, but they've never been that important that I felt that I needed to see them as soon as possible. I know that the next best thing to speaking to Devin is actually being in front of him, and just being there to hold his hand... You know?
Bringing this up will only remind us more of how much we want to see each other, but it's all truth. There are times when I think, 'Yeah, of course I can wait, it's no problem'. But then I speak to him or think about him and just imagine how amazing it would be if we actually lived closer.
I've had 'relationships' over the internet before, but they've never been that important that I felt that I needed to see them as soon as possible. I know that the next best thing to speaking to Devin is actually being in front of him, and just being there to hold his hand... You know?
Bringing this up will only remind us more of how much we want to see each other, but it's all truth. There are times when I think, 'Yeah, of course I can wait, it's no problem'. But then I speak to him or think about him and just imagine how amazing it would be if we actually lived closer.
Tuesday, 7 February 2012
I Heard You Liek Stories?
I've looked through a few stories on the Internet called 'The Tiger and the Fox', and seeing that Google Images seem to have much friendlier story lines than the stories themselves (Even Aesop's Fables wasn't very inspiring), I want to write my own story called 'The Tiger and the Fox'. The reason for this is that, well, I want to be able to pin animals on me and Devin for illustration purposes (I like drawing), and even though it seems a bit strange when you think about it in your head, when the two animals are down on paper... They actually make quite a cute couple. So, I guess... Here it is...
The Tiger and the Fox - By Hayleigh Moore
The Tiger and the Fox are two very different animals. One stands proud, showing off its strength and colours for every animal of the forest to see. However, the other likes to stay hidden in the bushes, sneaking its way from tree to tree for a delicious bite to eat.
Although being very proud of his high status, the Tiger was getting tired of his job. Day in and day out the animals would go to him for advice in panic and dismay, so sometimes this made him furious so he roared at them to go away and leave him alone. As the Tiger perched against the side of a tree, he looked out in to the forest as the rays of sunlight began to dim and another day was about to pass. Getting sleepy-eyed, he thought he saw a flicker of movement in the distance. To his surprise, it was the Fox.
The Fox had never in his life been to the Tiger and confronted him of his problems, even though it was difficult to catch supper. In fact, the Fox hardly noticed the Tiger at all because they lived in two entirely different worlds, seeing two entirely different aspects of life. This was the same for the Tiger too, as he had spent his whole life with his head high above all of the other animals, he hardly had enough time to look down and see the Fox hiding in the shadows.
However, even though the Tiger thought it was strange that the Fox had never noticed him, he went to sleep, waiting until morning where he would have to endure another day of tiresome problems. In the morning, when the sun was starting to raise high in the sky, the Tiger woke and stretched his paws and then began to walk through the forest once more.
Upon walking, he saw a mouse scurrying along the bush in a frantic hurry. The Tiger smirked and began to run towards the mouse. Just as he pounced, the Tiger suddenly saw a small figure jump out of the bush and onto the mouse. It was only when the Tiger came tumbling down onto the ground that he realised that the small figure was the Fox, who had just managed to escape the Tigers tumble.
In silence, they both rose to their feet, standing up tall. Of course, the Fox had to look up at the Tiger who towered above him, although he was the one that held the helpless mouse in his mouth. They looked at each other for a short while, and then without a sound, the Fox dropped the mouse to the Tigers paws, and the Tiger looked down at the dead mouse on the ground.
For this reason, the Tiger smiled, as this was the only thing that had made him so very happy in many long years. The Fox smiled back at the Tiger, not in his usual sly manner, but with a softer expression that also made him feel very happy inside.
And so, for reasons unknown, the Tiger and the Fox became good friends. Even though they were worlds apart and the other animals of the forest laughed and jeered at their friendship, this didn't matter to them because they had finally found something that made them happy.
They were who they wanted to be, not someone who they were expected to be.
The End.
So yeah, that's my version of 'The Tiger and the Fox'. It's based around Devin and I of course! And it's much better than Aesop's crap and the Chinese story that made no sense at all... Not because I'm an amazing writer or anything, but just because it fits so well with our story and how it started.
I can't put a full stop ending that cleans everything up because there hasn't been a full stop ending in our relationship, and I like to think that if people are smart enough, they'll think of alternate endings as opposed to 'and they lived happily ever after' which is nice, but I think that you've got to have a more open mind than that if you want to survive in this world.
Anyway, so what the story explains is the status of the two characters and how they happened to meet. That's it really. I was a normal player on the AG server and Alch was a mod. I get promoted and therefore noticed (Like the fox comes out of the shadows and the Tiger suddenly notices him). A part II would be nice... But we're only about a month in our relationship at the moment, so who knows where it could go from here.
The Tiger and the Fox - By Hayleigh Moore
The Tiger and the Fox are two very different animals. One stands proud, showing off its strength and colours for every animal of the forest to see. However, the other likes to stay hidden in the bushes, sneaking its way from tree to tree for a delicious bite to eat.
Although being very proud of his high status, the Tiger was getting tired of his job. Day in and day out the animals would go to him for advice in panic and dismay, so sometimes this made him furious so he roared at them to go away and leave him alone. As the Tiger perched against the side of a tree, he looked out in to the forest as the rays of sunlight began to dim and another day was about to pass. Getting sleepy-eyed, he thought he saw a flicker of movement in the distance. To his surprise, it was the Fox.
The Fox had never in his life been to the Tiger and confronted him of his problems, even though it was difficult to catch supper. In fact, the Fox hardly noticed the Tiger at all because they lived in two entirely different worlds, seeing two entirely different aspects of life. This was the same for the Tiger too, as he had spent his whole life with his head high above all of the other animals, he hardly had enough time to look down and see the Fox hiding in the shadows.
However, even though the Tiger thought it was strange that the Fox had never noticed him, he went to sleep, waiting until morning where he would have to endure another day of tiresome problems. In the morning, when the sun was starting to raise high in the sky, the Tiger woke and stretched his paws and then began to walk through the forest once more.
Upon walking, he saw a mouse scurrying along the bush in a frantic hurry. The Tiger smirked and began to run towards the mouse. Just as he pounced, the Tiger suddenly saw a small figure jump out of the bush and onto the mouse. It was only when the Tiger came tumbling down onto the ground that he realised that the small figure was the Fox, who had just managed to escape the Tigers tumble.
In silence, they both rose to their feet, standing up tall. Of course, the Fox had to look up at the Tiger who towered above him, although he was the one that held the helpless mouse in his mouth. They looked at each other for a short while, and then without a sound, the Fox dropped the mouse to the Tigers paws, and the Tiger looked down at the dead mouse on the ground.
For this reason, the Tiger smiled, as this was the only thing that had made him so very happy in many long years. The Fox smiled back at the Tiger, not in his usual sly manner, but with a softer expression that also made him feel very happy inside.
And so, for reasons unknown, the Tiger and the Fox became good friends. Even though they were worlds apart and the other animals of the forest laughed and jeered at their friendship, this didn't matter to them because they had finally found something that made them happy.
They were who they wanted to be, not someone who they were expected to be.
The End.
So yeah, that's my version of 'The Tiger and the Fox'. It's based around Devin and I of course! And it's much better than Aesop's crap and the Chinese story that made no sense at all... Not because I'm an amazing writer or anything, but just because it fits so well with our story and how it started.
I can't put a full stop ending that cleans everything up because there hasn't been a full stop ending in our relationship, and I like to think that if people are smart enough, they'll think of alternate endings as opposed to 'and they lived happily ever after' which is nice, but I think that you've got to have a more open mind than that if you want to survive in this world.
Anyway, so what the story explains is the status of the two characters and how they happened to meet. That's it really. I was a normal player on the AG server and Alch was a mod. I get promoted and therefore noticed (Like the fox comes out of the shadows and the Tiger suddenly notices him). A part II would be nice... But we're only about a month in our relationship at the moment, so who knows where it could go from here.
Monday, 6 February 2012
It Has Been Atleast a Week
He doesn't say things to make me happy, he says things that make me happy. There's a big difference, even though it's just one small word that makes that difference. It's like something else we say, which is, 'I like you.' I'm not saying that it's a bad thing to say 'I love you', because it certainly isn't. But it's not like you have to say it just because you feel that it'll make the other person feel happy.
We also discussed something else. What's the difference between, 'I want you' and 'I need you.' Although, I guess needing someone is a bit more sincere and dramatic, and just puts everything into a big empty space. That big empty space is filled with words that you might or might not say when in a relationship such as, 'I love you', 'I need you'... For most people, that space is getting emptier and emptier, and there is almost nothing in there because a lot of couples rush through relationships like it was the end of the world or something.
Not only words, but actions. Day one you're kissing, even snogging the faces off of each other for some people. I wouldn't really know with Devin, because it's physically impossible at the moment (at the moment). But when we meet for the first time, on the first day, even the first hour... What would we do?
I'm assuming that by the time that we actually meet each other face to face for the first time, we will have been in a relationship for a year at minimum. Who knows if it'll last that long.
And also, no, I'm not being all pessimistic by saying 'I don't know if this will last over a year' but you can't tell what will happen. Right now, in the moment, we have an amazing relationship, and some might even argue that once you start thinking negatively about your relationship then it's going to start going downhill. Well they're wrong, I'm just stating the truth. And the truth is, just like Devin once told me... Anything can happen.
What will happen on the first night? Think about it...
There's a fine line between certain words you say to people. A lot of people worry about what to say to their partner, whether it's allowed or if the other person would be too upset. Then there are others who speak without thinking what they're about to say. There are even more people who don't know how to balance all of that crap in the middle. I personally think that Devin and I are in the middle... Most of the time... If we want to talk about something, he is the one that usually brings it up about a week after I start thinking about it. This isn't bad, I guess, because I'm not one to fuss over thoughts because I get on with it. But if he brings it up, I will tell him that I've been thinking about it. We don't hide anything from each other... There's nothing to hide, and should be nothing to hide, in a relationship (That's why it's called a 'couple' - Meaning two).
Then again, me being me, I'm going to go back on everything that I just said. Even though we don't say 'I love you' etc etc, we do things that are above 'I love you' in the relationship level - Depending on what kind of person you are or what kind of relationship you're in. He'll know what this means, and I know that we've discussed it before, but we came to a decision that it was fine (which it probably shouldn't be, because it defies all of the 'rules' we have... Want for a better word).
In other words I'm just contradicting everything that I'm saying. Why are you listening to my life lessons anyway? Of course they're of use, and you should consider ALL of them, but who goes around purposefully trying to be a better person? If you're purposefully trying to be a better person then nothing is going to be better for you. Having a better life comes with experience, belief, time, and fuck-knows... Experience mostly.
That's what life is about. Getting hit on the head and getting back up thinking that you're not going to get hit again. Will you get hit again? Fuck knows, this post is just one huge tangent.
We also discussed something else. What's the difference between, 'I want you' and 'I need you.' Although, I guess needing someone is a bit more sincere and dramatic, and just puts everything into a big empty space. That big empty space is filled with words that you might or might not say when in a relationship such as, 'I love you', 'I need you'... For most people, that space is getting emptier and emptier, and there is almost nothing in there because a lot of couples rush through relationships like it was the end of the world or something.
Not only words, but actions. Day one you're kissing, even snogging the faces off of each other for some people. I wouldn't really know with Devin, because it's physically impossible at the moment (at the moment). But when we meet for the first time, on the first day, even the first hour... What would we do?
I'm assuming that by the time that we actually meet each other face to face for the first time, we will have been in a relationship for a year at minimum. Who knows if it'll last that long.
And also, no, I'm not being all pessimistic by saying 'I don't know if this will last over a year' but you can't tell what will happen. Right now, in the moment, we have an amazing relationship, and some might even argue that once you start thinking negatively about your relationship then it's going to start going downhill. Well they're wrong, I'm just stating the truth. And the truth is, just like Devin once told me... Anything can happen.
What will happen on the first night? Think about it...
There's a fine line between certain words you say to people. A lot of people worry about what to say to their partner, whether it's allowed or if the other person would be too upset. Then there are others who speak without thinking what they're about to say. There are even more people who don't know how to balance all of that crap in the middle. I personally think that Devin and I are in the middle... Most of the time... If we want to talk about something, he is the one that usually brings it up about a week after I start thinking about it. This isn't bad, I guess, because I'm not one to fuss over thoughts because I get on with it. But if he brings it up, I will tell him that I've been thinking about it. We don't hide anything from each other... There's nothing to hide, and should be nothing to hide, in a relationship (That's why it's called a 'couple' - Meaning two).
Then again, me being me, I'm going to go back on everything that I just said. Even though we don't say 'I love you' etc etc, we do things that are above 'I love you' in the relationship level - Depending on what kind of person you are or what kind of relationship you're in. He'll know what this means, and I know that we've discussed it before, but we came to a decision that it was fine (which it probably shouldn't be, because it defies all of the 'rules' we have... Want for a better word).
In other words I'm just contradicting everything that I'm saying. Why are you listening to my life lessons anyway? Of course they're of use, and you should consider ALL of them, but who goes around purposefully trying to be a better person? If you're purposefully trying to be a better person then nothing is going to be better for you. Having a better life comes with experience, belief, time, and fuck-knows... Experience mostly.
That's what life is about. Getting hit on the head and getting back up thinking that you're not going to get hit again. Will you get hit again? Fuck knows, this post is just one huge tangent.
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