Ever wanted to scream out for help because you're so upset, sad and angry that you can't do anything except wallow in your own depression, but you can't ask anyone for help because they can't help? I'm constantly having that feeling, and am only happy when distracted. I mean, I haven't even made any new videos since I've moved in with Sam and Mike because of all the stress. I like to think that it's getting better, but it could be getting worse for all I know. How could I get so worked up about one person? I know in my heart that if I hadn't broke up with Leigh that I'd feel better.
I hate to say it, but I may have to resort to smoking more weed again. I had been quitting too. I had only smoked once a week and I wasn't going to buy anymore... but now? Now it's hard to stay smiling when I'm not distracted... I can't even force myself to do anything. When I'm high it's so much easier to distract myself. I feel so weak as I type this, admitting that I can't make myself happy and that I need a drug to be happy. That's what I want in the end, to be happy. Apparently that's too much to ask for.
I've been thinking about suicide a lot more as well, but I still don't think that I'd be able to go through with that, even now.. as much as I want to. I fear death to much to kill myself, and I don't want to be dead... I want to be happy. I'm sure the thoughts of death will continue, but I [hopefully] won't do it.
You know, I try to imagine me being with someone else, anyone else that I know currently... I can't really imagine it. I then imagine a life with you and it seems so wonderful... I'm such a fucking faggot, haha.
Writing this has made me feel better.
I love Leigh, I can't deny that. I know she loves me back too. But thinking that we may not be together crushes my heart and soul and causes me to shutdown. Weak, but it's truth. It's like... we have our physical bodies, and our "soul" bodies... My soul body has his arm extended, feeling for a hand to hold, and there isn't one. I'm searching for your hand, and once my soul body has your hand in his then it will be OK. But right now I'm freaking out because I can't find you. It's like when you said "I still love you as much as I did before you broke up with me." and I felt like my soul body had found your hand again. I just have to think about that. I obviously think too much though. Haha, yeah, I do believe we're soul mates.
I realized that sometimes I say "Leigh" rather than "you" and vice versa. I should just start always saying "you" because it's not like anyone else is going to read these.
I still have that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach though. =/
Thursday, 28 February 2013
Thoughts #15
I freaked out at work today. I was upset when I left, and I knew that it wasn't going to get better for a couple hours. I ended up simply forgetting to write a license plate number down, to know what car to give the food to. I couldn't stop shaking, and when that happened I ended up slamming my fists down on the counter in front of the drive-thru drink machine. The girl I was working with turned around, startled... I think I scared her a little. Oh well, I get better as the night went on, then worse again but that doesn't matter anymore. I'm just glad I get to work with Nico tonight, he always distracts me and makes me laugh so I'm not upset.
You know, I still am kind of working toward getting Leigh to come to Canada. Is that bad of me? It's still all I want, because I feel that she's the only one that will make me feel complete. Except it doesn't seem like it's going well. I'll keep trying though. I want that happiness back.
You know, I still am kind of working toward getting Leigh to come to Canada. Is that bad of me? It's still all I want, because I feel that she's the only one that will make me feel complete. Except it doesn't seem like it's going well. I'll keep trying though. I want that happiness back.
Wednesday, 27 February 2013
Thoughts #14
"Even if I do decide never to be with you again, we could still be really good friends and do the same shit. You forever loving me and me forever being bi-polar over you."
I don't think this is wonderful. I'm not even sure why you would say that to me. I love you, and I love being with you. In my head, I knew I fucked things up but I think that maybe in another year things will be back to normal, we will actually be together and we'll live happily ever after. I don't think I could ever just be really good friends with you and... not be with you. I imagine marrying you one day and when you say that my heart feels like it's being ripped out of my chest and punched into my stomach. You know, I'd love for us to be really good friends and all that but every time I see your picture, I can feel the butterflies in my stomach... I don't think that's a feeling friends get over each other.
Fuck, I'm just so upset and this didn't help at all. I'm glad you're doing well, I truly am.
I don't think this is wonderful. I'm not even sure why you would say that to me. I love you, and I love being with you. In my head, I knew I fucked things up but I think that maybe in another year things will be back to normal, we will actually be together and we'll live happily ever after. I don't think I could ever just be really good friends with you and... not be with you. I imagine marrying you one day and when you say that my heart feels like it's being ripped out of my chest and punched into my stomach. You know, I'd love for us to be really good friends and all that but every time I see your picture, I can feel the butterflies in my stomach... I don't think that's a feeling friends get over each other.
Fuck, I'm just so upset and this didn't help at all. I'm glad you're doing well, I truly am.
Tuesday, 26 February 2013
Thoughts #13
I've moved into my new place with Sam and Mike. They're nice and I get along with them, except there's not a lot of room so I sleep in the basement. I have yet to really unpack anything... I'm not sure why, I just don't really feel that "I'm at home" feeling. Then again, I didn't really have that feeling when I was living with Max either. No matter, I feel like maybe my life is going well again, I certainly can't complain much. I love you.
That's all. <3
That's all. <3
Sunday, 17 February 2013
Thoughts #12
[Note: In this blog, I kinda just write as I think, so I may be all over the place... and I may not make sense sometimes.]
I think the way you said goodnight solidified my thoughts. We were having fun watching anime... I didn't think much of it, I was just glad to have you kind of back. At least in my life. Then something changed and it wasn't the same, I started thinking and I realized through the lack of messages and... ARGH. I wonder if it was something I said, I wonder if there was a way I could have fixed something. I thought maybe it was getting a bit better but now I am unsure. I could always be thinking too much. My thoughts are so scrambled right now, I don't know where to start and where to end. Was it the show that was making me feel that feeling in my gut, or was it the fact that I was watching the show with you? I wonder if you've even read a single one of these blog posts... I compare the episodes of Junjo to what occurs in my life, obviously... I couldn't help but think of you. I know, this isn't a very organized blog post but whatever. It really was nice to do something with you, it was amazing, just not near the end. I got this feeling in my stomach that something was wrong, but I had to give it one more episode just to make sure. Unfortunately, I was right. I think maybe I just need to sleep before I really break down. All these thoughts are making me crazy, and I was just starting to feel better. I fear that it is to cut you out of my life completely, but I won't accept that. I can't. I won't allow it to be. If there is anything I learned from watching Junjo just now, it's that I have to wait if I really love you. And I know I do. It may hurt now, I may be stupid, but I'll do anything for you.
I've thought about dating, and I probably will, but I can't imagine myself being with anyone else besides you for the rest of my life. I got this girl's number last night... weird, I know. It's the first time I had ever done that. I was really happy, I felt like I had accomplished something, I felt like I was on top of the world. Then I thought about the future. In the few moments I had known this girl, I knew she wasn't the one. I thought of you, how perfect you were to me. A lot of people go on dates so they can meet "the one" but I've already met mine. So what's the point? Boredom? I'm going to continue this whole "meeting people" thing because it keeps me occupied, but whenever I really look into them, it just doesn't seem like it would ever work out in the long-run. But then I think of you and I can't control myself. You're the best I ever had and I threw you away. How foolish could I possibly be?
I know you're having a hard time, but I feel like I'm being tortured. I feel like this isn't fair to me. You may not agree, but I hope you can see it from my perspective. Always logging on, seeing your face, missing you, wanting you. Do you feel the same way? I want to ask you every day if you think about me... If you are feeling the same way I am feeling right now. I know I'm most of the blame for what I am going through, but I just feel... I don't know the word. I want to be a good person and say that it is all my fault and that I'm sorry, and I am. I'm truly, deeply sorry. But maybe you should be sorry too. I know I can't dictate what happens between us, and I'm fine with that, but I don't know what to do. I can't even think of the options that are possible because we aren't talking...
I could always just remove you from my life completely and move on and hope to find someone as amazing as you, but I really can't even see that as an option. I really do NOT want that. Maybe we could start over, talk again, I'm not even sure if that's possible though. All I know is I want you in my life. There's no way around it, unless of course you told me that you wanted to sever all ties with me and move on with your life... but I really hope that you wouldn't destroy me like that. Today I thought would be some progress, since we watched some anime and bonded a little more... I felt closer to you than I have in the last week. Everything was looking up and then near the last couple episodes, it went back down and I feel back where I was. Another option is to just be as close to friends as we can be until this is sorted out and we can be together, but of course, I don't know how that'd work out either. I want something so that I can have you in my life, for you to be happy and continue to work on college and everything else excluding me, and for me to also be happy and continue to work on whatever goals I decide on... But I want you, there's no doubt about it.
I'm not sure if I covered anything, I'm not sure if I worded any of that very well... I suppose if you're confused about any of it, or think I may have said something odd or that I may not have meant, then you could ask me. My thoughts are just a blur and I'm too upset right now. As I said on Skype, I feel like Hiro.
Anyways, I should probably get some sleep... I should've been in bed hours ago, I just... wanted as much time with you as possible. I love you. Goodnight.
I think the way you said goodnight solidified my thoughts. We were having fun watching anime... I didn't think much of it, I was just glad to have you kind of back. At least in my life. Then something changed and it wasn't the same, I started thinking and I realized through the lack of messages and... ARGH. I wonder if it was something I said, I wonder if there was a way I could have fixed something. I thought maybe it was getting a bit better but now I am unsure. I could always be thinking too much. My thoughts are so scrambled right now, I don't know where to start and where to end. Was it the show that was making me feel that feeling in my gut, or was it the fact that I was watching the show with you? I wonder if you've even read a single one of these blog posts... I compare the episodes of Junjo to what occurs in my life, obviously... I couldn't help but think of you. I know, this isn't a very organized blog post but whatever. It really was nice to do something with you, it was amazing, just not near the end. I got this feeling in my stomach that something was wrong, but I had to give it one more episode just to make sure. Unfortunately, I was right. I think maybe I just need to sleep before I really break down. All these thoughts are making me crazy, and I was just starting to feel better. I fear that it is to cut you out of my life completely, but I won't accept that. I can't. I won't allow it to be. If there is anything I learned from watching Junjo just now, it's that I have to wait if I really love you. And I know I do. It may hurt now, I may be stupid, but I'll do anything for you.
I've thought about dating, and I probably will, but I can't imagine myself being with anyone else besides you for the rest of my life. I got this girl's number last night... weird, I know. It's the first time I had ever done that. I was really happy, I felt like I had accomplished something, I felt like I was on top of the world. Then I thought about the future. In the few moments I had known this girl, I knew she wasn't the one. I thought of you, how perfect you were to me. A lot of people go on dates so they can meet "the one" but I've already met mine. So what's the point? Boredom? I'm going to continue this whole "meeting people" thing because it keeps me occupied, but whenever I really look into them, it just doesn't seem like it would ever work out in the long-run. But then I think of you and I can't control myself. You're the best I ever had and I threw you away. How foolish could I possibly be?
I know you're having a hard time, but I feel like I'm being tortured. I feel like this isn't fair to me. You may not agree, but I hope you can see it from my perspective. Always logging on, seeing your face, missing you, wanting you. Do you feel the same way? I want to ask you every day if you think about me... If you are feeling the same way I am feeling right now. I know I'm most of the blame for what I am going through, but I just feel... I don't know the word. I want to be a good person and say that it is all my fault and that I'm sorry, and I am. I'm truly, deeply sorry. But maybe you should be sorry too. I know I can't dictate what happens between us, and I'm fine with that, but I don't know what to do. I can't even think of the options that are possible because we aren't talking...
I could always just remove you from my life completely and move on and hope to find someone as amazing as you, but I really can't even see that as an option. I really do NOT want that. Maybe we could start over, talk again, I'm not even sure if that's possible though. All I know is I want you in my life. There's no way around it, unless of course you told me that you wanted to sever all ties with me and move on with your life... but I really hope that you wouldn't destroy me like that. Today I thought would be some progress, since we watched some anime and bonded a little more... I felt closer to you than I have in the last week. Everything was looking up and then near the last couple episodes, it went back down and I feel back where I was. Another option is to just be as close to friends as we can be until this is sorted out and we can be together, but of course, I don't know how that'd work out either. I want something so that I can have you in my life, for you to be happy and continue to work on college and everything else excluding me, and for me to also be happy and continue to work on whatever goals I decide on... But I want you, there's no doubt about it.
I'm not sure if I covered anything, I'm not sure if I worded any of that very well... I suppose if you're confused about any of it, or think I may have said something odd or that I may not have meant, then you could ask me. My thoughts are just a blur and I'm too upset right now. As I said on Skype, I feel like Hiro.
Anyways, I should probably get some sleep... I should've been in bed hours ago, I just... wanted as much time with you as possible. I love you. Goodnight.
Saturday, 16 February 2013
Thoughts #11
You know, I really should have removed you from my "Close Friends" thing on facebook where I get all your shares straight to my notifications... Well, 'cause now I know you're online... and now I wanna talk and play Skyrim and be all happy with you.
Too bad I screwed that up. >.> Y U SO DUM DOOBIN? 'Cause I has penis, Doobin :(
Too bad I screwed that up. >.> Y U SO DUM DOOBIN? 'Cause I has penis, Doobin :(
Friday, 15 February 2013
Thoughts #10
I've been wanting to put more and more into my videos... So much that I'm tempted to start a new YouTube account with a partner and create it all professionally and shiz. Well, by professionally I mean choose a great name, get the background/intros all set up before hand... but then I realized, who would this be with? I would want this to be with someone I can live with or at least be around all the time. Then it hit me... College. If I went to college for what I want, which would be video editing, production, voice training, and other classes that I still have yet to look up, there would be so many people around [in all those classes] who would be interested in maybe starting a gaming channel with me. I also want to learn how to animate and photoshop because if I could do those then all my ideas could maybe be brought to life.
Now all I have to do is follow through with all of this. I have to save money, maybe get my driver's license, find all the classes, get loans from the government, move to the city, and really get into it. Talking about all of this makes me think back to when you were choosing between your career and me... I know that right now we are technically split up, but I don't feel like it very much. I still love you more and more every day. I want to talk to you every day. A couple days ago I saw you were playing Skyrim and I really wanted to call you and play with you, but I knew I couldn't.
Anyways, I do want to go to school and do something productive rather than continue to work at McDonald's... of course I'll still work, but I want to do something I love... which is you ;) Well, and making people happy with my video game videos. This'll work out, I just have to WANT it.
Now all I have to do is follow through with all of this. I have to save money, maybe get my driver's license, find all the classes, get loans from the government, move to the city, and really get into it. Talking about all of this makes me think back to when you were choosing between your career and me... I know that right now we are technically split up, but I don't feel like it very much. I still love you more and more every day. I want to talk to you every day. A couple days ago I saw you were playing Skyrim and I really wanted to call you and play with you, but I knew I couldn't.
Anyways, I do want to go to school and do something productive rather than continue to work at McDonald's... of course I'll still work, but I want to do something I love... which is you ;) Well, and making people happy with my video game videos. This'll work out, I just have to WANT it.
Thursday, 14 February 2013
Happy Valentine's Day
Realizing I don't want you gone
I want you here, closer than before
Tears roll down my cheeks
Since I crave you so much more
Feeling ripped apart, only half myself
Constantly thinking, where am I?
I want to be with you, you're my only help
And never again leave your side
The distance, so far, so crippling
Such a large obstacle to leap
So here I am, my soul dwindling
Locked inside my mental keep
You rescue me, make me complete
Our souls are split no longer
The passion, the flame, the heat
Our love can only grow stronger
Teetering on the rope of life
You had kept me balanced
Takes so much strength and might
You made it all so less tense
I just want you here, not far away
That burden I cannot take
My other half, lost in the fray
Across a giant lake
I don't want you to be over there
I need you here sooner
You are the best thing in my life
I think, what am I to her?
Am I your everything
As you are mine
Without me, lost
forever in time?
Soul mate, soul mate, please come to me
I cannot bear being away from thee
No one else could ever possibly
Be better for eachother to see
So I wish you'd be my Valentine
No one else I want more
Be with me for all time
No longer my heart be torn
Wednesday, 13 February 2013
Thoughts #9
Work has been crazy. I almost didn't have enough hours this week and then they decided to call me in for two shifts. That's not the crazy part, though. Just lots of work has been crazy. I have a couple days off, luckily then 2 more overnights.
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I want Leigh to be my Valentine, but I'm not sure if that'd be appropriate. I'm not even sure if she is reading these. Alas, I'll probably still send her a message or something. I love her even if I'm an idiot for breaking up with her. I am feeling a lot better about it all though.
Yesterday was the first time in a week that I had smoked any weed and it wasn't even that great. As soon as I run out, I'm probably not going to purchase any for a while. On top of that, it will probably be a while until I run out at this rate. Why would I smoke weed if it's not doing anything for me? It used to make me happy, help me with my emotions, but now I'm OK. So bai bai weed.
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I want Leigh to be my Valentine, but I'm not sure if that'd be appropriate. I'm not even sure if she is reading these. Alas, I'll probably still send her a message or something. I love her even if I'm an idiot for breaking up with her. I am feeling a lot better about it all though.
Yesterday was the first time in a week that I had smoked any weed and it wasn't even that great. As soon as I run out, I'm probably not going to purchase any for a while. On top of that, it will probably be a while until I run out at this rate. Why would I smoke weed if it's not doing anything for me? It used to make me happy, help me with my emotions, but now I'm OK. So bai bai weed.
Sunday, 10 February 2013
I'm talking to my Dad.
I can't even type. I think you know what I'm talking to my Dad about if I'm this upset.
Thoughts #8
I realized tonight that I love Nico and I love spending time with him. I worked with him and I hadn't in a while, I enjoyed myself a lot.
I'm feeling slightly better, I hope it lasts. <3
I'm feeling slightly better, I hope it lasts. <3
Saturday, 9 February 2013
Thoughts #7
I guess this is kind of a good thing, I just wish I didn't overreact and freak out when it happened. It's making me realize that I miss the physical attraction of a relationship. Quite a bit. It's also made me realize that I don't love anyone nearly as much as I love you.
I want to go to school as well. For video production, editing, voice training... Something to do with radio or video production. Obviously to go along with my YouTube videos. School costs money. Money that I had specifically put aside so that you could come here. Yes, I still want you to come here, above all else. But I've been craving school for a long while. I may also go for some sort of creative writing course, I would very much enjoy that as well.
All these things I would talk about with you, but I cannot.... yet.
I want to go to school as well. For video production, editing, voice training... Something to do with radio or video production. Obviously to go along with my YouTube videos. School costs money. Money that I had specifically put aside so that you could come here. Yes, I still want you to come here, above all else. But I've been craving school for a long while. I may also go for some sort of creative writing course, I would very much enjoy that as well.
All these things I would talk about with you, but I cannot.... yet.
While at work last night...
Well, I kind of broke down multiple times. I kept returning to the dream in more vivid detail, couldn't keep my mind off you. I'm fine now, which is what is important, but I enjoy NOT being like that.
I miss you, Leigh. This is the worst decision I've ever made. I want you.
I miss you, Leigh. This is the worst decision I've ever made. I want you.
Friday, 8 February 2013
Dreaming of you
I just woke up and I had a dream of you, Leigh. We finally met. You looked so beautiful.
I'm trying to remember how it started, but I can't recall. First, I had finally got to visit you. I was in what I assume was your house, although I've never seen it. Your mum was there and so were you and I. You were having renovations done so there was a hole in the floor. Everything gets a little blurry here. I remember something about you possessing an animal but your mum not believing it was possible so she couldn't hear you as you spoke. Eventually, we left and you came with me to Canada.
It was you, myself and my dad and we went camping. My dad was trying to teach me stuff that I didn't care about or couldn't do well and I freaked out at him. I'm not sure if I resolved anything with him. I then heard about this woman who was taken, it was my friend's girlfriend. I was in his body and I ran over and found her, half her jaw was off her face and she was dying. She was beat to death. I'm not sure what that had to do with anything.
After finding that body, I realized I hadn't see you for a while so I was worried someone was with you. I knew someone had taken you. I went looking and asked a man with a beard where the "Winner's Circle" was 'cause I knew you'd be there. I found you laying in the grass making out with another guy. I picked him up by his leg and started swinging him around, and around then flinging him into the forest. I could see he hit the ground hard, he wasn't coming back. I looked down at you, you were wearing light-blue lingerie and your skin was beautifully pale. I laid down next to you, you were so calm... Like you wanted him. I was wondering why you didn't fight back, why it looked like you were enjoying it so much. You told me there was no reason to fight back, he would have just killed me or hurt me. I believed you and we cuddled there, our faces so close our lips touching ever now and again. I wanted to kiss you so badly but I wasn't sure if it was the right moment. I woke up looking into your deep blue eyes.
I'm trying to remember how it started, but I can't recall. First, I had finally got to visit you. I was in what I assume was your house, although I've never seen it. Your mum was there and so were you and I. You were having renovations done so there was a hole in the floor. Everything gets a little blurry here. I remember something about you possessing an animal but your mum not believing it was possible so she couldn't hear you as you spoke. Eventually, we left and you came with me to Canada.
It was you, myself and my dad and we went camping. My dad was trying to teach me stuff that I didn't care about or couldn't do well and I freaked out at him. I'm not sure if I resolved anything with him. I then heard about this woman who was taken, it was my friend's girlfriend. I was in his body and I ran over and found her, half her jaw was off her face and she was dying. She was beat to death. I'm not sure what that had to do with anything.
After finding that body, I realized I hadn't see you for a while so I was worried someone was with you. I knew someone had taken you. I went looking and asked a man with a beard where the "Winner's Circle" was 'cause I knew you'd be there. I found you laying in the grass making out with another guy. I picked him up by his leg and started swinging him around, and around then flinging him into the forest. I could see he hit the ground hard, he wasn't coming back. I looked down at you, you were wearing light-blue lingerie and your skin was beautifully pale. I laid down next to you, you were so calm... Like you wanted him. I was wondering why you didn't fight back, why it looked like you were enjoying it so much. You told me there was no reason to fight back, he would have just killed me or hurt me. I believed you and we cuddled there, our faces so close our lips touching ever now and again. I wanted to kiss you so badly but I wasn't sure if it was the right moment. I woke up looking into your deep blue eyes.
Thursday, 7 February 2013
Thoughts #6
All these "Thoughts" posts are just thoughts as they come into my head... I'm not sure how many there will be, or how often I'll post them... Most of my thoughts are of you, Leigh. Right now I'm thinking how absolutely worthless I am. The audio on Portal 2 is atrocious. I don't even want to use... I want it fixed! I feel sick to my stomach. You were what I could fall back on... When I failed, I still had you... my best accomplishment. Now I have nothing again. Now I am useless again.
I want to feel better soon.
I want you in my arms soon.
I want to go and cuddle in bed, except I don't want to do it alone. I want you with me.
I want to feel better soon.
I want you in my arms soon.
I want to go and cuddle in bed, except I don't want to do it alone. I want you with me.
Thoughts #5
Well, just played Portal 2... it was great. I loved it. Had a lot of fun recording the entire time through, finishing it in one night, and then realizing that my audio was way turned up and made it sound really loud and horrible. Fucking fantastic. Just another thing that I've fucked up this week. When it rains, it pours.
I'm not sure what is wrong with me right now, but I hope it gets fixed... because I hate this feeling of worthlessness.
I'm not sure what is wrong with me right now, but I hope it gets fixed... because I hate this feeling of worthlessness.
Thoughts #4
Could it be connected, or just coincidence that I fuck up 2 videos after what happened? So many shitty things are going on and I just can't handle it. I swear, if my work goes horribly this weekend, I'm gonna be too sad for anything. I'm holding it in for now, but I've got to the point where I actually posted a facebook status about it. Usually I don't do that.
I'll be fine, I just need to get my head focused maybe.
Maybe go to school. I really don't know what to do right now. YouTube videos. Go to school for editing, production, voice.... Why don't I do that? It's what I love doing. Entertaining people... Having fun. Being popular [not to sound cocky or anything] but yes, all of that.
I need to write more blogs, obviously.
I'll be fine, I just need to get my head focused maybe.
Maybe go to school. I really don't know what to do right now. YouTube videos. Go to school for editing, production, voice.... Why don't I do that? It's what I love doing. Entertaining people... Having fun. Being popular [not to sound cocky or anything] but yes, all of that.
I need to write more blogs, obviously.
Wednesday, 6 February 2013
Thoughts #3
After talking to Mark, I feel quite a bit better.
I was a complete and utter fool. At this point, I just want Leigh to feel better so that we can go back to being what we were before. No, not even that. Something better. I wish I could go back in time...
But I can't have regrets.. I have to look forward and be happy for now.
I love you, Leigh. I can't wait to be with you...
I was a complete and utter fool. At this point, I just want Leigh to feel better so that we can go back to being what we were before. No, not even that. Something better. I wish I could go back in time...
But I can't have regrets.. I have to look forward and be happy for now.
I love you, Leigh. I can't wait to be with you...
Tuesday, 5 February 2013
Thoughts #1
I can't get you out of my mind, Leigh. I know we broke up, however temporary, but I miss you. I love you so much and I just want you here so that this could be different.
I feel somewhat incomplete, but I'll be fine. <3
I feel somewhat incomplete, but I'll be fine. <3
Sunday, 3 February 2013
Personal Post # 1 - Weird Events
Note: Just in case you didn't catch on Devin, the blogs called 'Personal Blogs' are about you-know-what, and you'd probably go immensely and unreasonably AWOL again, so before you provoke my current anger by blaming me for future AWOL'ness I suggest you leave this page immediately. Love, Leigh.
I wasn't sure what it was at first, however it didn't bother me to a point where I had to know immediately. But I was curious. I think the only thing I saw was a flame bearing stick held by a shadow; doesn't that explain enough? I wanted, still want to, know about the past and how I can gain knowledge of these possible powers that I may or may not possess. At any rate, I wasn't going to let the internet sway my current solid opinions; opinions that I had developed over the years and had created my own logic for them.
Speaking of opinions from the internet, I found a page. On this page it gave me information that we all have souls, and once our soul is finished with one body (when we die) it goes into another. That much I can roughly confirm I could believe, and can believe even more so now because my mum and I were talking about it; she brought it up and confirmed these things I had found on the internet. There was another part however... It spoke about how these souls had been there since the beginning and battled for earth. There are 4 stages to the souls development:
- Unsatisfied with Ego-Based (longing for something else)
- Ego-Based consciousness (aware of its releasing emotions)
- Letting Ego-Based go (becoming your new self)
- Heart-Based (motivated, helping others make transition)
When I read it, I read it as the souls going through these stages through multiple bodies; that is why there was war, slavery etc. in the past. Then I thought about it as a modern day human and realised that the majority of us go through those stages in one human life. We long for something else and for our home, then we grow up a little and discover a new-found power that we abuse, then after we discover no happiness in power we move on and create a family for ourself and in that process we become cleansed of our actions. Then in the last one we are old and wise, giving the younger ones our knowledge to try and get them to move on into a life of final peace and happiness.
Here is the website with all of this information: http://www.jeshua.net/
When I do think of human evolution as a whole, those four stages do seem logical. The first stage was the stage of the cavemen and the shamans, blessing these gods and trying to connect to our 'homeland' again. And then we evolved into greed and power, a world where we took land and claimed it as our own. We created factories for children and worked them literally to death. We took natives and made them our slaves. We segregated, and plagued others with war, destroying our land.
And now, I think that the majority of our world has come to a place where we have new life and new orders. We don't separate ourselves into groups and we try to prevent wars. We give to the poor and try to lead a fair society, aiding charities to help the sick and the hungry. As much as a lot of others feel that the world right now is an unfair place to live in, we're getting to a place where we're actually giving a fuck about others. Looking at the world as a whole, it is probably much better to live in the now.
Maybe that's why others feel an impending doom upon the world and why we're so concerned with the death of our planet or the death of our human race. We're nearly in full circle. We're almost at the point where the cycle had ended and inside we don't know what's going to happen and when it's going to happen. Yes, we're finding our new selves, but I think once we reach that next stage we will realise that we're going back home to our origins. We will realise that it is time to go back home...
Or maybe the end of the cycle leads to a new one elsewhere in the cosmos. Maybe it's the end of the journey upon earth and the start of a new journey. But who knows? No one truly does, unless they're at that final stage already. But I still think that some of the world is still at stage two, and that the rest are at stage three. I do think of shamans and those who are more connected than others and I think they are also at sage three, they're just at a more 'connected' level with nature and everything around them. I get that they don't want to be a part of today's society because it would probably take them away from their full connection; heck if I had a choice, I'd go full shaman. Why don't I, you say? I have other responsibilities and duties to take care of first.
And now let's take it to last night. I didn't do anything special and I didn't meditate for hours on end, it just happened just like it always does. I was relaxing in bed, eyes closed and about to drift off to sleep. Then I started to think about my spirit guide and the last time he/she showed me something. Then I saw, as my eyes were closed, someone fall off of a castle tower.They were tall with a long face and thick fair hair. He wore dark robes, and all I saw was him falling from this tower in fear and the image stopped. So now I definitely know that he is medieval and a male. This is how he died.
I asked him his name, and I got a 'Dol' back with slight murmuring at the end. I think it's Dolce, or something very similar to that. In any case, he responds to Dolce; I don't know whether this is his last name, but I'm assuming so since I can't find anything on the first name Dolce. He also confirmed that he does/did practice magic, which excites me immensely since it's what I was looking for. I think the next step now is to find out how he does it and how I can develop it.
I think I also want to find out why he died that way since I'm getting the feeling it wasn't an accident. From the vibes I was getting from the first image of the flame and the shadow, I think that he was on the run from something, so he might have lived in the time of the suppression of the Druids in Medieval times.
Maybe that's why I want to go to Rome so much... >_> Hmmm.
In any case, it's definitely progress... Thank you Dolce! I look forward to seeing you again sometime soon in the future.
I wasn't sure what it was at first, however it didn't bother me to a point where I had to know immediately. But I was curious. I think the only thing I saw was a flame bearing stick held by a shadow; doesn't that explain enough? I wanted, still want to, know about the past and how I can gain knowledge of these possible powers that I may or may not possess. At any rate, I wasn't going to let the internet sway my current solid opinions; opinions that I had developed over the years and had created my own logic for them.
Speaking of opinions from the internet, I found a page. On this page it gave me information that we all have souls, and once our soul is finished with one body (when we die) it goes into another. That much I can roughly confirm I could believe, and can believe even more so now because my mum and I were talking about it; she brought it up and confirmed these things I had found on the internet. There was another part however... It spoke about how these souls had been there since the beginning and battled for earth. There are 4 stages to the souls development:
- Unsatisfied with Ego-Based (longing for something else)
- Ego-Based consciousness (aware of its releasing emotions)
- Letting Ego-Based go (becoming your new self)
- Heart-Based (motivated, helping others make transition)
When I read it, I read it as the souls going through these stages through multiple bodies; that is why there was war, slavery etc. in the past. Then I thought about it as a modern day human and realised that the majority of us go through those stages in one human life. We long for something else and for our home, then we grow up a little and discover a new-found power that we abuse, then after we discover no happiness in power we move on and create a family for ourself and in that process we become cleansed of our actions. Then in the last one we are old and wise, giving the younger ones our knowledge to try and get them to move on into a life of final peace and happiness.
Here is the website with all of this information: http://www.jeshua.net/
When I do think of human evolution as a whole, those four stages do seem logical. The first stage was the stage of the cavemen and the shamans, blessing these gods and trying to connect to our 'homeland' again. And then we evolved into greed and power, a world where we took land and claimed it as our own. We created factories for children and worked them literally to death. We took natives and made them our slaves. We segregated, and plagued others with war, destroying our land.
And now, I think that the majority of our world has come to a place where we have new life and new orders. We don't separate ourselves into groups and we try to prevent wars. We give to the poor and try to lead a fair society, aiding charities to help the sick and the hungry. As much as a lot of others feel that the world right now is an unfair place to live in, we're getting to a place where we're actually giving a fuck about others. Looking at the world as a whole, it is probably much better to live in the now.
Maybe that's why others feel an impending doom upon the world and why we're so concerned with the death of our planet or the death of our human race. We're nearly in full circle. We're almost at the point where the cycle had ended and inside we don't know what's going to happen and when it's going to happen. Yes, we're finding our new selves, but I think once we reach that next stage we will realise that we're going back home to our origins. We will realise that it is time to go back home...
Or maybe the end of the cycle leads to a new one elsewhere in the cosmos. Maybe it's the end of the journey upon earth and the start of a new journey. But who knows? No one truly does, unless they're at that final stage already. But I still think that some of the world is still at stage two, and that the rest are at stage three. I do think of shamans and those who are more connected than others and I think they are also at sage three, they're just at a more 'connected' level with nature and everything around them. I get that they don't want to be a part of today's society because it would probably take them away from their full connection; heck if I had a choice, I'd go full shaman. Why don't I, you say? I have other responsibilities and duties to take care of first.
And now let's take it to last night. I didn't do anything special and I didn't meditate for hours on end, it just happened just like it always does. I was relaxing in bed, eyes closed and about to drift off to sleep. Then I started to think about my spirit guide and the last time he/she showed me something. Then I saw, as my eyes were closed, someone fall off of a castle tower.They were tall with a long face and thick fair hair. He wore dark robes, and all I saw was him falling from this tower in fear and the image stopped. So now I definitely know that he is medieval and a male. This is how he died.
I asked him his name, and I got a 'Dol' back with slight murmuring at the end. I think it's Dolce, or something very similar to that. In any case, he responds to Dolce; I don't know whether this is his last name, but I'm assuming so since I can't find anything on the first name Dolce. He also confirmed that he does/did practice magic, which excites me immensely since it's what I was looking for. I think the next step now is to find out how he does it and how I can develop it.
I think I also want to find out why he died that way since I'm getting the feeling it wasn't an accident. From the vibes I was getting from the first image of the flame and the shadow, I think that he was on the run from something, so he might have lived in the time of the suppression of the Druids in Medieval times.
Maybe that's why I want to go to Rome so much... >_> Hmmm.
In any case, it's definitely progress... Thank you Dolce! I look forward to seeing you again sometime soon in the future.
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