Holidays are overrated

This week has been pretty good since the weather has been amazing. It has been sunny all week with hardly any clouds, so it hasn't even been that windy - Still haven't caught much of a tan yet. Sometimes when it's too hot I blame Mark because he said that the hurricane from America is going to throw off our weather system, therefore we should be having shit weather. But apparently that's bullshit since all we've had are hot days and a lot of ice-cream from the ice-cream van at the Sixth Form College.
It was funny because last week Anya and I were walking around the Colleges (There are three Colleges next to each other) outside because it was quite warm, and we suddenly saw an ice-cream van. We literally freaked out and I was so glad that I had money. So then we kind of rushed back to the canteen, grabbed our money, grabbed Mark, and went to go get ice-cream. All duh people were all kinds of jealous when we came back with them and teased everyone. Anya went nuts from a sugar rush and we all started singing 'In the jungle' in a three-part shouting/singing sing-song that caused annoyance and lols.

As this week is review week, so we don't have to do much work in College. All that is required to do is show up for sessions and/or chill out outside if we don't need to do work/assessments/ILP's. That is what we basically did today, although I wish that my legs weren't aching so much from Monday's dance workshop with a well-known dance group. I also did my singing assessment today which required me to sing a song and then perform a call-and-response exercise. I think I did pretty well considering I was pretty nervous beforehand, but once I got in the room and I stood in front of the camera and mic, most of my nerves just went away. I think another reason why my nerves went away was because I was thinking of Devin. Even when I was outside waiting, leg bouncing up and down from excitement and nerves, all I had to do was think of Devin and I calmed down.
It was weird because when I showed my song to the whole group, I didn't 'perform'. I just stood there and sang. But when it came to the actual performance, I actually put quite a lot of emotion into it and actually performed it. I think that when I showed it to the class, it was like, "oh I'm going to get up and do this and it wont have any significance and impact on what I do in the performance because I'm - just - there." (Straight-Face ._.) But then I'm up and singing at the assessment, and the performance actually has purpose, so every emotion and attempt to put the meaning of the song across just comes flooding out.

The term has gone by pretty fast I think. One minute we're starting the read-through of our play, and the next we're at the Easter holidays. That reminds me - Jacob, Anya and I were in the IT room at the end of the day ready to go home and we were taking the piss out of Anya because she has small boobs, so I was saying in an Asian accent, 'Mebbe you should take duh Viagra liek duh man for duh penis' ... Jacob said that wouldn't work, so I said, 'Mebbe you should put duh weed in duh bra to make duh tittehs look bigguh'. Then on the way home as Anya and I were walking to the dentist (she had to have her teeth checked because she had chipped a bit of one), Anya said that she wanted to try weed. We then had a good ol' discussion about it, and now she might be able to get her brother to make hash brownies (since neither of us smoke) so she can bring them into College after the holidays... Yeah, exciting stuff.
I don't think it'll have that much of an affect since it's not like actually smoking it or whatever, but I guess it'll be fun. I'll save a bit until I get home though so I can have it during the night. If this does happen, and I'm guessing it will since Anya's mum is cool with it since she used to do it, then I guess my 'first time' of having weed wont be with Devin... But it will kind of, because I'll be talking to him during the night. I'm not coming across as too 'OMG I'M GUNNA HAVE WEED WTF' because I'll sound like a bit of a hypocritical twat since I wasn't too sure of what to think half the time when Devin was high, even though I'm sound with it now, but there's no point in freaking out like a little high school bitch just because I'm going to have fucking hash brownies x) ... Howevaaa, I am definitely looking forward to it. :D AWHWHAA!!! ...

So, over the holidays I will probably be doing fuck all. I'll try not to do fuck all though... Mark said that we should just spend many long and painful hours of JUST doing College work next Monday without distraction or Facebook. For me it'll be more of a task trying to keep Devin under control. He's fine when he's not horny, and he can sometimes be a bit of a distraction when he's high, but I shall keep him... Tame.

The next two weeks are mostly going to contain sleepless nights of Minecraft, Skyrim, dual masturbation, failing to tan, and lols... Mostly lols. Yeauughhh.

Nothing much to blog about, but it has purpose.

I've been really happy for the last week or so. Like, ecstatically happy. It might be because it's really sunny and warm, and it's just the time of the year where you can be happy for no reason at all and not even give a toss about the reason why, but I'm glad that I can be so happy without motive.
There is slight motive since I tend to get really happy when I think about Devin. I've been having some really uncomfortable dreams lately about things that aren't even crossing my mind during the day, and thoughts of Devin just make me get really hyper and energetic. That doesn't count when I'm not speaking to him because I can get all sorts of happy when we're talking... But yeah.

Happy days.

Sunshine.

Bees.

HONEY! (nom)

Shortest blog ever.

Going to be an amazing Summer...

Mwah!! :3 xxx <3

Turtle-Head... (awkward face)

I know it'll be at least a year minimum until I actually have to think about this, but I'm actually worried about moving out and moving to Canada. I've only been thinking about it for the last few days, but it's been on my mind quite alot and I don't really know how to resolve this just because I've never been in this position before. I've never been in this state of mind where I've actually thought about moving out seriously.
Yeah there might have been a time when Emma, Mel, Grace and I were talking about getting an apartment together in London after College, but I've finally learned that that's never going to happen, not even if I still really wanted it to... I'm not going to talk about Emma anymore, just because of the fact that it makes me feel like crap. A tonne of memories just came flooding back of how I used to daydream about us two being in the apartment together and cuddling just like a real couple. It was never going to happen or carry on the way it used to, and I need to get over it... Fully. It's childish to hang over a 'break-up' or 'separation' that was my choice, and it was my fault to begin with because I was the one that fell for her.

Going back to the main subject - I'm worried about moving to Canada (If I do move to Canada). What kind of job opportunities are there for my line of work? Will it be as good as London? Will I get the chance to go to University or Drama school if I wanted to? I mean, here I am rushing into the whole wonderland of a relationship and a 'happy couple' scenario when all my life has ever revolved around is: work, career, aspiration, education, and success. Nothing has ever gone right for me in relationships in the past, and that's why I gave up on it all. I'm not saying that Devin and I wont work out, it's just that the possibility that it will work out leaves me wondering what to do next. What is the next step towards work, career, and success?

I'm probably freaking out over nothing, but I guess it's just because I don't know anything about those job opportunities in Canada, and I wouldn't know where to go to look for those opportunities.
I'm not ususally like this when it comes to 'the future', but I guess I plan far ahead and then sometimes things come up that throw off the whole system so my brain starts to leak and I start to think that it's the end of the world because I don't know what to do. Well, I do know what to do. I have to ask my tutors at College about what I should do, how I should do it. Where to go and what to do, and where to go from here. The whole family is pretty much on a big downer at the moment, and it's starting to rub off on me even though I don't spend much time with them. But I don't like being upset anymore because there's no need to be.

So yeah, that's my little freak out over... I fear of asking my Mum what I should do because she'll probably just say that I shouldn't move to Canada when I know I want to, so I can be with Devin.

Sometimes I can talk about shit like this and I'm not further affected afterwards, but tonight I just don't feel too good. Maybe it's stuff that's happened with the family, then there's College work that I need to do, as well as missing Devin way too much for my own good. Then I'm just getting myself even more bogged down by thinking about stuff that doesn't even need to be thought about, like: not knowing what to do when I move, and thinking about Emma when I don't even need to. You know those times where you get yourself so wound up that you need to cry, even though you know it's stupid because there's nothing to cry about? That's how I feel right now. It's useless being pitied on because there's nothing to pity me for, and all I'll end up doing is crying anyway which isn't going to make my frame of mind any better.
...

Whenever I get upset about something and don't cry, I just end up getting really angry at myself or possibly take it out on someone else - but I'm not that much of a bitch to take it out on anyone else anymore. I'll probably delete the paragraphs I just wrote just so I seem a little bit sane. If I was actually handwriting this, there would be capitals and angry scrawls, rips in the paper and everythang.

... I should probably sleep since I've just given myself a headache... Yeah, that probably wont happen.

I really miss you Devin,

even though I'm talking to you right now.

I still miss you just as much,

and I wish that we could talk more.

I know we can't,

but I'll try not to sleep so much,

just so we can still be in the call together,

and I can feel like I'm there with you.

I miss you.

Subway, Beastiality and Alcohol

Yesterday was St.Patrick's day. Now, I don't celebrate many holidays but I suppose I celebrated this one...

Last night Alex and I were invited over to Ashley's [Alex's sister] to hangout and play beer pong with Ashley, Amanda [Alex's other sister] and Brent [Ashley's husband, his name may also be Brett...]. Before leaving Alex had drank 2 Vodka Rockstars and I had 1. We rolled a joint and we left, on our way to Subway before going to Ashley's. The walk up to Subway was fine, we got out subs and walked to Ashley's while eating. I saved half my sub for later. We smoked the joint while we walked and then we got to Ashley's nice and high.

[Me mentioning subway reminded me of something that happened. I was in Subway with Ryan and Mariah and Ryan and I were at the cash, I was paying for our food. He has a Subway points card that had 40 points so he got a drink. I told him that he shouldn't get a soda because it is unhealthy. There was a brief moment of silence and then I said, "Yeah, you should really take the health advice from the fat guy." The Subway cashier burst out laughing and then composed herself saying, "Oh, I'm sorry... That was just really funny." I guess she thought she may have hurt my feelings for laughing at the fat guy. I mean, I made the joke... I don't care. =P]

Anyways... Off track?

We were at Ashley's and we played a few rounds of beer pong. I believe my team lost both times but oh well, that just means I get to drink more beer. I was tipsy because I'm somewhat of a lightweight and we played another game that I can't remember... We played a few more drinking games and I got drunk and it was fun. I remember for one of the drinking games Alex had to run outside and bark like a dog at people... Alex and I had to hold hands and skip down the street... There were some secrets told... Brent was forced to wear his wife's underwear and bra [with only his own boxers under the underwear] and run up and down the street. It was a fun night.

I had a good night but it only made me think of how much better the night would have been if Leigh was there. Ah well, maybe next time?

What I'm thinking about...

You.

Skulduggery, Yaoi & Tears

I've just finished reading the sixth book of 'Skulduggery Pleasant', 'Death Bringer' by Derek Landy and it's just reminded me of how much of a fangirl I was of the book (and of him... Slightly). Derek Landy is quite an amazing author, and I've thought so ever since I had to read his first book about three years ago. When I say that I had to read his book, I most certainly had no choice but to. I was chosen to be a part of a voting group that had to choose between nine books that were entered for a competition. Of course, Derek won the competition.
There's one thing that made this special though. I'll say it in the way that I told Devin. Basically I was a sneaky know-it-all that got in contact with this now famous author and we spoke quite a lot. He was obviously interested in me (Not in that way -o-) and when he won the book competition (and came out with an amazing speech at the awards ceremony and it was like a stand-up gig. Hilarious stuff. But so are his books; apart from being awesome, amazing, and somehow touching) we spoke face-to-face. It was a short moment, but we spoke.
The last time we even had mild contact was the 28th of January last year, so it's been over a year. I was slightly frustrated that he's too busy to talk like we used to, but that's not his fault. Well, it is his fault. He should pay more attention to his fans intead of working so much, but I guess I can put up with it until he goes on tour again and we can speak for those few moments... I said that I'd go to the tour in Worcester last year, but I guess I forgot.

Apart from this, reading the new book reminded me of how much I wanted to be an author. It's all there, I have more material than I need to try and get it published, but it's just that alot of things are getting in the way such as College and procrastination. Mainly procrastination. I'll get my Project Evaluation done tonight, but I know that I also have to do some other things for College that need doing. If I can't start writing it up during term-time, I'll just have to start in the Easter holidays. Reading Skulduggery Pleasant has got me so pumped to continue this long term project, and it's going to take a lot of patience to get it all written up because it's the self-proofed piece before I send it off... But I really want to get it done, it's an ambition.

Reminizing about this all also reminded me of the times when Emma and I used to fantasy RP all the time. Apart from doing it outside in the woods and in school, we used to do it in chatrooms aswell specifically for fantasy RP. I was never able to connect to the RP chat that Emma was in, so I ended up in a different chat room with a lot of other people that I grew to know and love. I don't talk to them as much now because after two years the chatroom died, and it's barely going now over a FaceBook page that I don't see much point in. Those days were fun and exciting, filled with arguments and fighting and love that wasn't personal until it got so intense that they took it personally.
I was always in the thick of it, always in the thick of all the action and the fights, causing drama and stirring until my adrenaline went through the roof. It sounds like something someone would pull a 'WTF' face to, but trust me it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. But now it's over, just like quite a lot of exciting things that happened in the past.

Speaking of exciting things that happened in the past, I started to watch an anime series that was recommended to me about a year ago from my good friend Zeze who I knew from the RP chatroom (We called it 'The Graveyard', just in case I start calling it that and you have no idea what I'm talking about), and she was my best friend. We did nearly everything together. Sort of like mine and Emma's friendship, it sort of fizzled out, except it just happened, I didn't force the fizzling out upon our friendship like I had to do with Emma.
So this anime is called 'Sekaiichi Hatsukoi 2'. I had watched the first series, and the series before that is called 'Junjou Romantica' which is a very popular Yaoi series. Zeze first started to 'make' me watch stuff like Shounen Ai (soft yaoi - just boys hugging and stuff), but I suppose I started to watch actual Yaoi series' because the concept of all that love made me so happy and warm inside. The way it all happened, the way the storyline rose and fell, just like real life, just like real relationships. The thoughts that went through the characters' minds are so realistic, and that's why I felt so attached to it for a while.
I didn't really want to mention this, but watching that made me think of another anime Zeze got me to watch, except it was about two girls and how their friendship was so strong that they were inseparable, that it almost seemed like more than a mere friendship. Like Emma and I. I didn't think about it until the end of the girl series, but I cried so much. Part of the reason why I cried so much was because of the outcome of the series, but I cried mostly because of Emma. It was only about a month after I decided that I should stop speaking to her, but then all the memories came flooding back and I cried all night. Nothing could stop me, not even myself. I look back on that night now, and it's as clear as day. The memory is so vivid that it's like it happened yesterday. The pain I felt, the agony of trying my hardest to get over it because I knew that crying wouldn't solve my problem... Maybe it did in the end. I knew that I was in so much pain that I cried, and crying made me feel worse physically too. It made me ill. I knew I had to stop crying, to distract myself. So I did, and that's how I started getting better. I didn't want to start talking about Emma again, but I couldn't help thinking about her again today. I sometimes think that I should talk to her just for closure, but I don't know how it would end up.

The main reason why I don't want to talk to Emma is because I don't need to though. I have Devin now, and I don't feel that closure is vital because he's there. He's there if I end up getting upset, but there's no need to cry over anyone else any more. It would be a waste of tears, unless those tears were for him.