There haven't been any posts in a while, and I have finally thought of something that I should take down.
I don't know what to do when I'm not working at McDonald's and when I'm not sleeping. I used to play Xbox and record all the time but now I can't do that. I've been waiting to get a new computer, to get new stuff so that I am able to not be bored, but all this waiting seem like a waste of time. Shouldn't I have something productive to do right now? Things that I could be doing? Write? I would play more video games, but if I'm not recording or not playing with friends, it seems rather pointless. I want to do something that will be viewed by others, I guess.Not much I could think of.
I have been thinking about furthering my education, but I don't know what I want to learn. I'm interested in lots of things, but which one the most? Gaming, writing, acting, law, human analysis... How do I know which one is the best for me?
Trying to start a novel seems like a good start. I've enjoyed writing and I've just never pushed myself into writing a story with much length. If this fails? Well, I'll figure that out if I do. The problem is that if I get bored, or have writer's block while I'm writing, I may just stop writing the story. Bad news.
Going back to video gaming, I'd love to record and continue promoting my youtube account, but that will require my new computer. Perhaps also a new TV, HD PVR, and xbox. This is the ideal setup for my recording, but at first I could just do recordings on my computer. I never really got 'bored' of recording, so that is a good thing. I never really worried about whether or not my videos were that good or not, as long as I could get a couple likes on each video, at least I was entertaining some people.
Haven't come to a conclusion yet, but I do know one thing for sure: I have to find something productive to occupy my time. A project, a task, a hobby.
Friday, 16 November 2012
Saturday, 1 September 2012
Sleep Diary #2
Friday 31st August 2012
Time I went to sleep: 6:00am (estimated)
Time I woke up: 10:30am (estimated)
Sleep Details: To be completely honest the only thing I can remember about my sleep was constantly waking up every half an hour, and from 10:30am until 4:00pm I was on and off sleeping where I kept waking up every 10-15 minutes. Hardly a satisfying sleep, but I'm not as tired as I was the other day. I was so tired then that I felt like I was ill.
Also, one dream I remember was my Mum and I arguing. Amazing.
Diet: Full bowl of Porridge with 1/3 of a dozen scoops of sugar and a whole chopped banana
Lasagna (unfinished)
3 digestive biscuits
2 cups of Tea (decaffeinated)
Mood: Mood very varied today. Most of the time I was happy as I usually like to stay positive even in a bad situation. The added stress from my Mum yesterday added awkwardness today although my happiness seemed to have smoothed that out a bit, which I'm glad to say. Got in a rut as I went to town, feeling negative and down, although I cheered up when I came back home.
Stress Details: I felt pretty good when I got up, and I was sort of sociable. However when I went out my mood just dropped like dat monstercat bass. I went to the library and Mark and I spoke, and he made me feel happier. I arrived home and I had a bath. All went well from there.
I need to get up early tomorrow. It's either a forced early sleep or another all-nighter. We'll have to see.
Sleep Diary #1
Since I don't actually have an official diary, I guess this blog will have to suffice for this. I was going to create a new blog on the profile for this, but this is about the Pandasaurs life, and the Pandasaur is currently having trouble sleeping, specifically during the night. So... Here goes...
Thursday 30th August 2012
Time I went to sleep: 11:00am (Estimate)
Time I woke up: 4:20pm
Sleep Details: I woke up several times during this sleep, the only one I can remember was at about midday, and then there were a few after that which I woke from dreams. I can't remember what the dream was about specifically because it's fucking 8:57pm and I'm still so tired. I normally have another 4 hours sleep, even with this insomniac shit.
I couldn't go back to sleep at 4:20pm even though I was still tired, so I went downstairs to get some tea or whatever. I was quite disoriented concerning the time earlier on when I woke up, and I even had trouble just now.
The dream was about-- I can't even remember now, but whenever I try to think about it and remember, I can just see metal. Like, rusty metal bars. Who knows, I just watched Silent Hill and that has a lot of metal shit in it so I may just be confused... I should start writing down my dreams before nodding off again.
Diet: Porridge (chocolate fingers, peanut butter, banana)
1 1/2 cups of PG Tips 'The Evening One' Tea (decaffeinated)
2 faggot's with gravy, and mashed potato (unfinished)
Mood: More down than usual due to an event after I woke up. Haven't been wanting to do anything, and I haven't done anything apart from watching a few films. Felt groggy and tired throughout the whole day, almost helpless, and I continue to feel like this. I usually have phases of happiness more than sadness during the day, even with the stress, but for the whole day I've only been happier when I'm talking to a member of the family... Also have a fucking headache, could be due to lack of liquids.
Stress Details: I woke up to a letter from the College, and a further post from the post office to say that I missed a letter that needs to be signed for. Devins not going to be happy when I say this, but hey, nothing could be worse than my parents reaction. So...
I completed my College work a while back, apart from this one piece of work where I guess I was just at the point of giving up. I don't want to act any more, at all. I have no desire to even look upon a fucking script. Something I've wanted to do since about the age of 11, that passion is no longer there. I've realised that the only reason why I wanted to act in the first place was because of the things I saw when watching a film like Bridge to Terebithia, Zathura, Harry Potter, and Avatar. Look at all of those, and tell me that you wouldn't want to experience what they experienced. Something different, something exciting, and I thought that acting could give me that. But now I've realised that it wont, a film or story only gives the audience that true experience. Even with a film trilogy like Lord of the Rings, they filmed in real locations that weren't filled with fake rocks and a plastic background, but you'd be lucky to get a role like that. I'm not dedicated enough or motivated enough to do that, to try that hard.
So why not actually go out there? Travel throughout the actual world where I can get real experience and a real feel of fear or excitement, euphoria and happiness. I want to learn about the world, not some fictional shit or the back-sides end of an east London accent.
That is where I'll get true inspiration and knowledge, and it makes sense once I explain it, but who's going to listen to that? Who is going to truly believe that I was almost scared to take my work in to College because I don't want to be there any more. And the only reason why I'm stressing so much is because I'm stuck between people wanting me to go back to finish the course, myself feeling like shit, and feeling like even more crap because I know my parents just wont accept that I have all of a sudden changed my mind.
It's not like I don't have a plan if I don't go back. I'm going to get a job, I'm going to learn how to cook and spend a good few years with my family, with Jessica and teaching her the things I had a lot of trouble understanding.
I also told Mark that I would call the College today, to talk to Mia. I didn't. The letter said that I had before enrolment to hand in my work, which just leaves me tomorrow. And what the fuck is that letter I have to pick up from the Post Office?
I'm leaving this blog post open until midnight.
Update (9:40pm): There was something I forgot to mention. I usually don't go to sleep until about 1-2 in the morning, that was before I couldn't sleep during the night. And now it's from about 3-4 in the morning where I start to feel really anxious in my room. Since I didn't have the laptop, I usually distracted myself with TV, drawing, or writing. But sometimes I couldn't avoid that anxiety, and it just felt like something was there. Probably sounds weird to Devin, but Mark or my parents would understand that. I'm not sure what it is, but I don't like it. I think that's where trouble sleeping during the night came from.
Due to the stress over the day, my periods gotten slightly heavier, even though it should be almost finished. Great.
There's also something else I've just remembered, which ties in with the disorientation, and I don't want to change anything of the above. I had read the letter before I went to sleep at 11am, not after I woke up at 4:20pm. Fucking mind. Then again I had stayed awake about 4-5 hours longer than usual, and had less sleep. The lack of sleep and slightly more stress than usual might just be getting to me a bit. I'll try to sleep earlier... Mum has also been suspiciously nice. Maybe she just thinks that I'm ill, or just hasn't read the letter yet. Fuck my whole entire life.
Thursday 30th August 2012
Time I went to sleep: 11:00am (Estimate)
Time I woke up: 4:20pm
Sleep Details: I woke up several times during this sleep, the only one I can remember was at about midday, and then there were a few after that which I woke from dreams. I can't remember what the dream was about specifically because it's fucking 8:57pm and I'm still so tired. I normally have another 4 hours sleep, even with this insomniac shit.
I couldn't go back to sleep at 4:20pm even though I was still tired, so I went downstairs to get some tea or whatever. I was quite disoriented concerning the time earlier on when I woke up, and I even had trouble just now.
The dream was about-- I can't even remember now, but whenever I try to think about it and remember, I can just see metal. Like, rusty metal bars. Who knows, I just watched Silent Hill and that has a lot of metal shit in it so I may just be confused... I should start writing down my dreams before nodding off again.
Diet: Porridge (chocolate fingers, peanut butter, banana)
1 1/2 cups of PG Tips 'The Evening One' Tea (decaffeinated)
2 faggot's with gravy, and mashed potato (unfinished)
Mood: More down than usual due to an event after I woke up. Haven't been wanting to do anything, and I haven't done anything apart from watching a few films. Felt groggy and tired throughout the whole day, almost helpless, and I continue to feel like this. I usually have phases of happiness more than sadness during the day, even with the stress, but for the whole day I've only been happier when I'm talking to a member of the family... Also have a fucking headache, could be due to lack of liquids.
Stress Details: I woke up to a letter from the College, and a further post from the post office to say that I missed a letter that needs to be signed for. Devins not going to be happy when I say this, but hey, nothing could be worse than my parents reaction. So...
I completed my College work a while back, apart from this one piece of work where I guess I was just at the point of giving up. I don't want to act any more, at all. I have no desire to even look upon a fucking script. Something I've wanted to do since about the age of 11, that passion is no longer there. I've realised that the only reason why I wanted to act in the first place was because of the things I saw when watching a film like Bridge to Terebithia, Zathura, Harry Potter, and Avatar. Look at all of those, and tell me that you wouldn't want to experience what they experienced. Something different, something exciting, and I thought that acting could give me that. But now I've realised that it wont, a film or story only gives the audience that true experience. Even with a film trilogy like Lord of the Rings, they filmed in real locations that weren't filled with fake rocks and a plastic background, but you'd be lucky to get a role like that. I'm not dedicated enough or motivated enough to do that, to try that hard.
So why not actually go out there? Travel throughout the actual world where I can get real experience and a real feel of fear or excitement, euphoria and happiness. I want to learn about the world, not some fictional shit or the back-sides end of an east London accent.
That is where I'll get true inspiration and knowledge, and it makes sense once I explain it, but who's going to listen to that? Who is going to truly believe that I was almost scared to take my work in to College because I don't want to be there any more. And the only reason why I'm stressing so much is because I'm stuck between people wanting me to go back to finish the course, myself feeling like shit, and feeling like even more crap because I know my parents just wont accept that I have all of a sudden changed my mind.
It's not like I don't have a plan if I don't go back. I'm going to get a job, I'm going to learn how to cook and spend a good few years with my family, with Jessica and teaching her the things I had a lot of trouble understanding.
I also told Mark that I would call the College today, to talk to Mia. I didn't. The letter said that I had before enrolment to hand in my work, which just leaves me tomorrow. And what the fuck is that letter I have to pick up from the Post Office?
I'm leaving this blog post open until midnight.
Update (9:40pm): There was something I forgot to mention. I usually don't go to sleep until about 1-2 in the morning, that was before I couldn't sleep during the night. And now it's from about 3-4 in the morning where I start to feel really anxious in my room. Since I didn't have the laptop, I usually distracted myself with TV, drawing, or writing. But sometimes I couldn't avoid that anxiety, and it just felt like something was there. Probably sounds weird to Devin, but Mark or my parents would understand that. I'm not sure what it is, but I don't like it. I think that's where trouble sleeping during the night came from.
Due to the stress over the day, my periods gotten slightly heavier, even though it should be almost finished. Great.
There's also something else I've just remembered, which ties in with the disorientation, and I don't want to change anything of the above. I had read the letter before I went to sleep at 11am, not after I woke up at 4:20pm. Fucking mind. Then again I had stayed awake about 4-5 hours longer than usual, and had less sleep. The lack of sleep and slightly more stress than usual might just be getting to me a bit. I'll try to sleep earlier... Mum has also been suspiciously nice. Maybe she just thinks that I'm ill, or just hasn't read the letter yet. Fuck my whole entire life.
Sunday, 29 July 2012
Simple Blog Post
Not too sure if we just had an argument, but I know that it's just because I'm an idiot, like always.
The reason I feel the need to write a blog post right now is because how angry I got, I wanted to punch the wall beside me. I always knew that the smallest thing would set me over the edge but that thing CANNOT be part of this relationship. I can't allow myself to become that angry that I could snap, not with Leigh. I love her way too much to have this anger inside of me, able to come out in front of her. She doesn't deserve my anger, she deserves my love, and she has that. I need to rid myself of this immense anger. I'm not sure how I can, I'm not even sure IF I can.
I will try my best... for her. I just want to be good enough for her.
The reason I feel the need to write a blog post right now is because how angry I got, I wanted to punch the wall beside me. I always knew that the smallest thing would set me over the edge but that thing CANNOT be part of this relationship. I can't allow myself to become that angry that I could snap, not with Leigh. I love her way too much to have this anger inside of me, able to come out in front of her. She doesn't deserve my anger, she deserves my love, and she has that. I need to rid myself of this immense anger. I'm not sure how I can, I'm not even sure IF I can.
I will try my best... for her. I just want to be good enough for her.
Wednesday, 25 July 2012
Breaking Down and Tired
It's been a while since I've last posted... Be right back, I have to do some laundry.
Alright, the laundry is going and now I am back writing this post. I'm not sure what exactly to tell you except that I am quite messed up. My emotions are overflowing to the point where I am getting very upset over the tiniest things. League of Legends, for instance.
In this strategic game, I am either feeling my own guilt which turns into depression or anger, or I am angry towards my team. I will get angry at myself when I die in a stupid way and that's basically it. Now, that happens a few times but it's nothing I can't handle. Occasionally I have a death streak and get pissed off, but oh well. What angers me even more is when we have to surrender because our team is doing somewhat bad. This is often when I'm playing with Nico, to be honest. He doesn't see the point in continuing to play if the odds aren't in our favour Now, must of the time he is correct and we will more than likely lose and he surrenders at 15 minutes in and I get upset. I don't get upset that he wants to quit, it makes me upset that he forces ME to quit. I don't care if we're down just a few kills, I'm going to keep trying and keep playing. Games are supposed to be about fun and when he rages about me not surrendering ASAP, or when Alex rages over kill steals, it pisses me off. I think I may just stop playing with them as much, or maybe as soon as they start to rage, I'll stop playing with them for that time period. That may bring my "stress" down, or whatever I'm calling this.
I'm pretty fucked right about now, it's 4:45am and I have to work at 11am. There isn't any possible way that I'll get to sleep tonight. I'm going to have to pull through and stay awake. I guess I'll stay up and leave rather early so I can go to the bank, get a new debit card, take out money for rent, buy an energy drink, work until 4pm, buy more energy drinks and then stay up and play LoL with Jared and Nico and whoever else. Yes, this is my plan... My stupid, stupid plan. You may be wondering why I can't just get 5 hours of sleep, eh? Well, maybe I'll be able to. It kind of depends when my laundry finishes, since I just put it on. I procrastinated doing laundry and now I have to switch it over because it won't dry if I switch it when I wake up. If it finishes quickly enough, maybe I'll switch it over and get a few hours of sleep, but I'm really worried that I won't wake up... I think I'd rather be dead tired than miss my shift and get in shit.
I hope I'll be able to do this. This is worse than going to work high. Let's just hope that I don't break down at work again, 'cause I really hate when that happens.
The only time I really don't break down is when I'm talking to Leigh... Perhaps I can just always be with her and I will never stress out. Yeah, that sounds like a great cure. <3
Alright, the laundry is going and now I am back writing this post. I'm not sure what exactly to tell you except that I am quite messed up. My emotions are overflowing to the point where I am getting very upset over the tiniest things. League of Legends, for instance.
In this strategic game, I am either feeling my own guilt which turns into depression or anger, or I am angry towards my team. I will get angry at myself when I die in a stupid way and that's basically it. Now, that happens a few times but it's nothing I can't handle. Occasionally I have a death streak and get pissed off, but oh well. What angers me even more is when we have to surrender because our team is doing somewhat bad. This is often when I'm playing with Nico, to be honest. He doesn't see the point in continuing to play if the odds aren't in our favour Now, must of the time he is correct and we will more than likely lose and he surrenders at 15 minutes in and I get upset. I don't get upset that he wants to quit, it makes me upset that he forces ME to quit. I don't care if we're down just a few kills, I'm going to keep trying and keep playing. Games are supposed to be about fun and when he rages about me not surrendering ASAP, or when Alex rages over kill steals, it pisses me off. I think I may just stop playing with them as much, or maybe as soon as they start to rage, I'll stop playing with them for that time period. That may bring my "stress" down, or whatever I'm calling this.
I'm pretty fucked right about now, it's 4:45am and I have to work at 11am. There isn't any possible way that I'll get to sleep tonight. I'm going to have to pull through and stay awake. I guess I'll stay up and leave rather early so I can go to the bank, get a new debit card, take out money for rent, buy an energy drink, work until 4pm, buy more energy drinks and then stay up and play LoL with Jared and Nico and whoever else. Yes, this is my plan... My stupid, stupid plan. You may be wondering why I can't just get 5 hours of sleep, eh? Well, maybe I'll be able to. It kind of depends when my laundry finishes, since I just put it on. I procrastinated doing laundry and now I have to switch it over because it won't dry if I switch it when I wake up. If it finishes quickly enough, maybe I'll switch it over and get a few hours of sleep, but I'm really worried that I won't wake up... I think I'd rather be dead tired than miss my shift and get in shit.
I hope I'll be able to do this. This is worse than going to work high. Let's just hope that I don't break down at work again, 'cause I really hate when that happens.
The only time I really don't break down is when I'm talking to Leigh... Perhaps I can just always be with her and I will never stress out. Yeah, that sounds like a great cure. <3
Friday, 6 July 2012
Feeling Sentimental?
I think I want it to be a Tragic Fantasy. It sounds so, for want of another word, magical. I can just imagine nothing else but that one story that I started where this little girl was abandoned on a world with almost noone and nothing but her imagination to keep her company. Like a heaven, light and quiet. And even though this is such a beautiful place, so many bad things have happened to her. That story is a lot like the one on Clannad, except mine has a lot more happening in it, however it's just a side-story in Clannad so it's very simple, which is nice.
However, I know that if I make it a Tragic Fantasy, then he has to die in the end, and everyone but him has to know that he dies. But maybe if I make the story really happy, then it'll be worth killing him off in the end. I was going to kill him off anyway, but there was going to be a 'revival', but that would just be too predictable and cliche. Staying young would be nice too, it would give him that element of innocence, even though it gets really dark. He could still have those moments of innocence throughout the Trilogy, but I guess I'll have to figure out how to do that along the way.
He's at a typical age where things always happen in books too. Maybe I should make him a bit younger? Although, I've changed the plot slightly and I don't want him to 'change' at such a young age I don't think.
Just to think, this boy has been a part of my life since I was almost twelve, and he's still here to this day. He's one of the few characters that have been there all the way through. And although I regret that I must change his whole name because of some sort of plot twist that I added, I think the major changes were for the best. After all I was eleven, so you can't expect my writing to be as good as publishing standards.
A Tragic Fantasy does sound just so wonderful. I think I'll go with that since I've been very unsure of what genre I should put it under ever since I started it.
However, I know that if I make it a Tragic Fantasy, then he has to die in the end, and everyone but him has to know that he dies. But maybe if I make the story really happy, then it'll be worth killing him off in the end. I was going to kill him off anyway, but there was going to be a 'revival', but that would just be too predictable and cliche. Staying young would be nice too, it would give him that element of innocence, even though it gets really dark. He could still have those moments of innocence throughout the Trilogy, but I guess I'll have to figure out how to do that along the way.
He's at a typical age where things always happen in books too. Maybe I should make him a bit younger? Although, I've changed the plot slightly and I don't want him to 'change' at such a young age I don't think.
Just to think, this boy has been a part of my life since I was almost twelve, and he's still here to this day. He's one of the few characters that have been there all the way through. And although I regret that I must change his whole name because of some sort of plot twist that I added, I think the major changes were for the best. After all I was eleven, so you can't expect my writing to be as good as publishing standards.
A Tragic Fantasy does sound just so wonderful. I think I'll go with that since I've been very unsure of what genre I should put it under ever since I started it.
Thursday, 5 July 2012
It's 5:51am - I'm Getting Really Tired.
I guess that the only time where you can go back to something that once was, whether it is something that you miss in life that you know you can get back but you're just a grasp away from catching it, is by reliving what once gave you that motivation to do it in the first place. For me, those times flip-flopped in and out of misery, uncertainty, but creativity. Just like all those years ago, I sit on my windowcill at a rediculously early time in the morning to smell the cool air that you can only experience at this time of day, and write. Although I'm not able to sit as comfortably as I once could, it is nice to have that feeling once again. Like always, hanging out of the window is my inward way of wanting to go outside, however it may not be advised at this early hour.
I want to find a way back to that creativity without having to experience that misery and uncertainty again. I suppose I always got that inspiration from the Stanislavski methods of acting, except I was young then so I only recognized it as the routines of realist actors such as Robert De Niro where they would live their character so that they may understand it better.
In just a few hours I've come to the revelation that you don't need to live a character to understand them. You don't have to go to such measures to know how they feel or what they would do in certain situations. You don't have to live the life, you only have to experience it. Why push yourself in to wanting perfection, forcing yourself to live in their world at your own suffering, when you can live it freely and understand that human being by becoming yourself within them? Understanding yourself within them.
And just to create a character to use within a story, I would go to the same lengths and get a fantastic result. I'm not contradicting myself when I say that the Stanislavski methods are epically amazing. I was once creating those characters like they were real, making them live their lives and develop habits like any other human would. But at what cost? I great one, I must add. So what would you then do to prevent the awful outcomes of this absurd creativity? At the moment, I'm not sure, and it may end in disaster just like every time I've done this. But this time I know that I can change the outcome somehow.
I will research and read and watch and think and develop so that maybe the methods do not have to carry so strong. However, I would do anything to get a good story going. It's my passion.
I've only just realized it. But yes, writing is my life-long passion.
I want to find a way back to that creativity without having to experience that misery and uncertainty again. I suppose I always got that inspiration from the Stanislavski methods of acting, except I was young then so I only recognized it as the routines of realist actors such as Robert De Niro where they would live their character so that they may understand it better.
In just a few hours I've come to the revelation that you don't need to live a character to understand them. You don't have to go to such measures to know how they feel or what they would do in certain situations. You don't have to live the life, you only have to experience it. Why push yourself in to wanting perfection, forcing yourself to live in their world at your own suffering, when you can live it freely and understand that human being by becoming yourself within them? Understanding yourself within them.
And just to create a character to use within a story, I would go to the same lengths and get a fantastic result. I'm not contradicting myself when I say that the Stanislavski methods are epically amazing. I was once creating those characters like they were real, making them live their lives and develop habits like any other human would. But at what cost? I great one, I must add. So what would you then do to prevent the awful outcomes of this absurd creativity? At the moment, I'm not sure, and it may end in disaster just like every time I've done this. But this time I know that I can change the outcome somehow.
I will research and read and watch and think and develop so that maybe the methods do not have to carry so strong. However, I would do anything to get a good story going. It's my passion.
I've only just realized it. But yes, writing is my life-long passion.
Tuesday, 19 June 2012
All in a days work
I woke up yesterday morning feeling fine, but somehow may turned into absolute shit. I started feeling sad for no reason which really sucked because there is no way to cure that sadness other than distraction and I was too bored to be able to do anything. So, I sat around all day feeling sad and waited to go to work at 8pm. I started walking to work just before 7:30pm and when I got to work, my mood changed.
I started working and I felt better. I was distracted by work and I started to be happy that I got to talk to people, have fun and make money all at the same time. My night had finally started to get better and then Jared, one of the managers [and a really cool, awesome guy], asked me if I wanted to stay later to help out. I, of course, said yes and I was thrilled! I didn't want to go home, worried that I was just going to slip back into my bored sadness. So, I worked some more and then Wilfred came in from the back and was talking about a seagull being in the grease trap outside beside the dumpster. They asked me if I wanted to go try and get it out...
Of course I wanted to get the seagull out and to safety! I love animals too much, I 'spose. I put on these long green gloves and went out to save the bird. We got to the grease trap and opened it up and there it was, a seagull absolutely drenched in grease and I could see it had blood coming from it's eyes and from it's beak. I was heartbroken. I slowly put my hands into the grease, not to splash the bird, and tried picking it up. It took a few tries, but eventually I got it out and held it over the grease trap so some of the grease could drip off. We had no idea how long it was in there for, but it didn't matter to me, I wanted to save it nonetheless. We tried rinsing it off with some warm water, but it didn't help much, we needed soap. I ran over to the store and asked them if they had any grease-fighting dish soap and they did. I bought the soap and told the customer behind me and the cashier what had happened. They wished me luck and I ran back to McDonald's. Jared was just coming out with more water and I poured some soap in. Jared also gave me some gloves so that I didn't get my hands all full of disease and grease and stuff... The gloves didn't help much. I put the bird into the bucket of soapy water and started washing it, trying to avoid getting any in it's eyes. It didn't fight back and I cleaned it as best I could... When I let it out of the bucket, it started walking around but it couldn't fly at all. It couldn't even get over the curb. We didn't know what else to do so we put it back in the little walled in area with the dumpster and hoped it would dry off enough to be able to fly, or at least have a fighting chance in the wild.
We went back inside and got back to work, I was cleaning up front. Before I knew it, I was alone up front and I was taking orders for drive-thru and taking payment as well. It was the first time I had ever had to do that. I took one order no problem, but then another came and I could barely understand the woman. I took the order as best I could and turned back to the kitchen. I had to wait for the food and I wasn't sure if I was doing anything right, nobody was there to tell me... I started to worry, I started to panic. I asked Jared over the headset to come up front. He then asked me what was wrong and I told him I didn't want to say over the headset. He finished up a couple things, and while I waited for him, my breathing became irregular, my hands started to shake and I could tears collecting in my eyes. He then came up to me and asked what was wrong. I started crying and breathing heavily, telling him I was having a panic attack. He got a really concerned look on his face and told me to go to the crew room and sit down, he then got me a bottle of water and I went to the crew room. I sat down and put my head in my hands and began crying more, shaking more and breathing heavily. I don't know what happened, but I just snapped and couldn't take it. After a little while, Jared checked up on me and I said I was okay so he went back to finishing up the orders and getting things done. Once the orders were done, I was more calm. I mean, I wasn't crying and my hands had stopped shaking somewhat and I was breathing somewhat normally. I told him I wanted to go back to work, I didn't want to go home. I got up and was walking to go back to work but I just couldn't continue. I stopped and began shaking more, my breathing was irregular again and I started crying. I turned around and said to Jared, "On second thought, could I go home?" as the tears began rolling down my cheeks again. He said yes, so I went into the change room to change my shirt. I sat in there for maybe 5 minutes, crying, trying to calm down. I changed my shirt and then went out the back door, saying goodbye to Jared. I was going to go home and feel better.
I didn't want to go home. I got halfway through the parking lot and I couldn't do it. I started crying more, shaking and I had to sit on the curb. I sat there, thinking, doing nothing for over half an hour. I couldn't walk home, I didn't want to, something wasn't right with me. Jared came out later and was asking me if I was okay, I told him I was and that I was just thinking. He wanted to call me a cab, but I said no. After our conversation, he went back inside and I got up. I started walking home but before I was leaving the parking lot, I stopped. I turned back and started walking towards where the dumpster is, where the bird was.
I opened up the big door and there it was, laying there, not moving. It wasn't dead, it just didn't have the energy to move. We had given it a muffin but it didn't look like it had been eaten. I kneeled beside the bird, trying to give it water, feed it some muffin but there was no use. I picked up the bird and brought it outside, placing it under a tree. I then got my stuff and sat beside the bird. I pet it, wishing there was something more I could do, but there wasn't. The wind was pretty cold, even for me so I started thinking how the bird felt. I tried moving it behind the tree so it didn't get as much wind hitting it... I laid my hand on it's back, feeling the slow breaths of the bird. I was hoping my hand could give it some warmth or some sense that it wasn't alone in it's final moments. A few times the bird's breathing was so slow, I thought it had passed away, but the breathing started up again and so I continued to sit there with it until it's final moment. At around 2:50am the bird didn't even have the energy to keep it's head up, it laid it's head down and I thought it had died, but I could still feel it's breath. I sat there, sometimes crying, sometimes sighing and at one point I said to the bird, "I hope that whatever afterlife there is for you, is better than this life was. I'm sorry it had to be this way, I wish there was something I could do." I kept apologizing to the bird. I was trying my best, but it wasn't enough. Jared came out a little before 3am to check on me. Wilfred had been apparently keeping an eye on me whenever he went out for a cigarette. Jared started talking to me about death, about me losing pets or people, I told him about Loren somewhat. I talked to him, it made me feel slightly better, but I couldn't help but cry more as we talked. Around 3am, I had my hand on the bird's back and I felt it's final breath leave it's body. I turned to Jared, with tears in my eyes and told him that the seagull was dead. I sighed, standing up and picked up the bird. I walked with it in my hands over to the tall grass and walked in a little bit before lying it down. I sighed again and walked back inside with Jared. I washed my hands twice and then Jared asked if I wanted to sit in the office with him while he did paperwork. I still didn't want to go home, so I agreed. We talked for about 15 minutes and it was good, it helped. He finished his paperwork and I was finally leaving work. I said goodbye and thanked him for everything. I also apologized, I think.
Anyways, I walked home and didn't go to sleep for a couple hours. I dozed off maybe once or twice but I couldn't actually sleep. Or perhaps I just didn't want to sleep completely. Not too sure because at that point I was so tired that I can't really remember anything beyond that point now.
After all this, all I wanted was to talk to Leigh because she can make me smile even after all of this. She is amazing like that. <3.
I started working and I felt better. I was distracted by work and I started to be happy that I got to talk to people, have fun and make money all at the same time. My night had finally started to get better and then Jared, one of the managers [and a really cool, awesome guy], asked me if I wanted to stay later to help out. I, of course, said yes and I was thrilled! I didn't want to go home, worried that I was just going to slip back into my bored sadness. So, I worked some more and then Wilfred came in from the back and was talking about a seagull being in the grease trap outside beside the dumpster. They asked me if I wanted to go try and get it out...
Of course I wanted to get the seagull out and to safety! I love animals too much, I 'spose. I put on these long green gloves and went out to save the bird. We got to the grease trap and opened it up and there it was, a seagull absolutely drenched in grease and I could see it had blood coming from it's eyes and from it's beak. I was heartbroken. I slowly put my hands into the grease, not to splash the bird, and tried picking it up. It took a few tries, but eventually I got it out and held it over the grease trap so some of the grease could drip off. We had no idea how long it was in there for, but it didn't matter to me, I wanted to save it nonetheless. We tried rinsing it off with some warm water, but it didn't help much, we needed soap. I ran over to the store and asked them if they had any grease-fighting dish soap and they did. I bought the soap and told the customer behind me and the cashier what had happened. They wished me luck and I ran back to McDonald's. Jared was just coming out with more water and I poured some soap in. Jared also gave me some gloves so that I didn't get my hands all full of disease and grease and stuff... The gloves didn't help much. I put the bird into the bucket of soapy water and started washing it, trying to avoid getting any in it's eyes. It didn't fight back and I cleaned it as best I could... When I let it out of the bucket, it started walking around but it couldn't fly at all. It couldn't even get over the curb. We didn't know what else to do so we put it back in the little walled in area with the dumpster and hoped it would dry off enough to be able to fly, or at least have a fighting chance in the wild.
We went back inside and got back to work, I was cleaning up front. Before I knew it, I was alone up front and I was taking orders for drive-thru and taking payment as well. It was the first time I had ever had to do that. I took one order no problem, but then another came and I could barely understand the woman. I took the order as best I could and turned back to the kitchen. I had to wait for the food and I wasn't sure if I was doing anything right, nobody was there to tell me... I started to worry, I started to panic. I asked Jared over the headset to come up front. He then asked me what was wrong and I told him I didn't want to say over the headset. He finished up a couple things, and while I waited for him, my breathing became irregular, my hands started to shake and I could tears collecting in my eyes. He then came up to me and asked what was wrong. I started crying and breathing heavily, telling him I was having a panic attack. He got a really concerned look on his face and told me to go to the crew room and sit down, he then got me a bottle of water and I went to the crew room. I sat down and put my head in my hands and began crying more, shaking more and breathing heavily. I don't know what happened, but I just snapped and couldn't take it. After a little while, Jared checked up on me and I said I was okay so he went back to finishing up the orders and getting things done. Once the orders were done, I was more calm. I mean, I wasn't crying and my hands had stopped shaking somewhat and I was breathing somewhat normally. I told him I wanted to go back to work, I didn't want to go home. I got up and was walking to go back to work but I just couldn't continue. I stopped and began shaking more, my breathing was irregular again and I started crying. I turned around and said to Jared, "On second thought, could I go home?" as the tears began rolling down my cheeks again. He said yes, so I went into the change room to change my shirt. I sat in there for maybe 5 minutes, crying, trying to calm down. I changed my shirt and then went out the back door, saying goodbye to Jared. I was going to go home and feel better.
I didn't want to go home. I got halfway through the parking lot and I couldn't do it. I started crying more, shaking and I had to sit on the curb. I sat there, thinking, doing nothing for over half an hour. I couldn't walk home, I didn't want to, something wasn't right with me. Jared came out later and was asking me if I was okay, I told him I was and that I was just thinking. He wanted to call me a cab, but I said no. After our conversation, he went back inside and I got up. I started walking home but before I was leaving the parking lot, I stopped. I turned back and started walking towards where the dumpster is, where the bird was.
I opened up the big door and there it was, laying there, not moving. It wasn't dead, it just didn't have the energy to move. We had given it a muffin but it didn't look like it had been eaten. I kneeled beside the bird, trying to give it water, feed it some muffin but there was no use. I picked up the bird and brought it outside, placing it under a tree. I then got my stuff and sat beside the bird. I pet it, wishing there was something more I could do, but there wasn't. The wind was pretty cold, even for me so I started thinking how the bird felt. I tried moving it behind the tree so it didn't get as much wind hitting it... I laid my hand on it's back, feeling the slow breaths of the bird. I was hoping my hand could give it some warmth or some sense that it wasn't alone in it's final moments. A few times the bird's breathing was so slow, I thought it had passed away, but the breathing started up again and so I continued to sit there with it until it's final moment. At around 2:50am the bird didn't even have the energy to keep it's head up, it laid it's head down and I thought it had died, but I could still feel it's breath. I sat there, sometimes crying, sometimes sighing and at one point I said to the bird, "I hope that whatever afterlife there is for you, is better than this life was. I'm sorry it had to be this way, I wish there was something I could do." I kept apologizing to the bird. I was trying my best, but it wasn't enough. Jared came out a little before 3am to check on me. Wilfred had been apparently keeping an eye on me whenever he went out for a cigarette. Jared started talking to me about death, about me losing pets or people, I told him about Loren somewhat. I talked to him, it made me feel slightly better, but I couldn't help but cry more as we talked. Around 3am, I had my hand on the bird's back and I felt it's final breath leave it's body. I turned to Jared, with tears in my eyes and told him that the seagull was dead. I sighed, standing up and picked up the bird. I walked with it in my hands over to the tall grass and walked in a little bit before lying it down. I sighed again and walked back inside with Jared. I washed my hands twice and then Jared asked if I wanted to sit in the office with him while he did paperwork. I still didn't want to go home, so I agreed. We talked for about 15 minutes and it was good, it helped. He finished his paperwork and I was finally leaving work. I said goodbye and thanked him for everything. I also apologized, I think.
Anyways, I walked home and didn't go to sleep for a couple hours. I dozed off maybe once or twice but I couldn't actually sleep. Or perhaps I just didn't want to sleep completely. Not too sure because at that point I was so tired that I can't really remember anything beyond that point now.
After all this, all I wanted was to talk to Leigh because she can make me smile even after all of this. She is amazing like that. <3.
Saturday, 9 June 2012
Happy Birthday (Read together this time?)
It's weird when we argue, even though we've only argued two or three times. Then again, I've only been on one side of the argument. I've always been the one that brings up the issue, the one with the issue, and it seems like he never has any issue. This makes me glad, because I'm usually the one that causes all of the trouble in a relationship, but it also makes me think that Devin isn't thinking about the things that aggravate him, those little things that I perhaps do that displease him. I know that he tries his best to keep away from arguments, and I guess that after our last argument, he knows that it's fine to argue because we're not normal. It's true, we don't argue like a normal couple.
I get angry to a point where I mention the problem, which is usually something he is doing that reflects off of something that he has done. And then the actual argument starts, and he defends himself which he should rightfully do, because you never know, one day I might be wrong. Then he says something that is stupid, which is usually the case, and me being me I think it's adorable and soften up a bit. He takes me so seriously during arguments anyway because I'm very blunt and I swear a lot, and sometimes I forget to show him that I'm still happy, even though there's something that's bugging me. I am always happy, and he needs to know that too, even if I do seem really mad or upset at him - I still love him just as much as I did before the argument, and it wont change after either.
He gets so emotional during arguments too, it seems. Even though it's a small issue, he gets himself so wound up because I seem so angry. I don't know why but he always seems so off-guard aswell. He should know by now that an argument is bound to get mentioned after it seems like I have an issue, but I'm making a joke of it constantly. However this isn't the case all of the time, so I don't think that should be a guideline of my emotions and actions.
I used to be known as 'The Mystery' to people online and at school, so he should be glad that I changed for him, without even realising. I've surprised myself by how much I've changed emotionally and mentally. I've even gone out of my way to change myself physically, and I've never done this for anyone else my entire life, no matter how much I tried. He's changing too, and I see that. It's not like it's in a bad way either. Like I said to him; What we're doing is driven by one another, but the only person who is going to benefit out of it all in the end is ourselves.
He also seems worried about something about him, although he hasn't told me about this. Although I'm very anxious to know, and sometimes I find myself pushing him to find out what it is. I know how this feels. I don't know exactly what this problem is, but maybe it's something that is haunting him, and has been for a while. It's like a weight that seems to stop you from doing what you really want to do, and you're scared how it will affect you and those around you, close to you. You're scared of it, and it seems like you can't get rid of it... Whether this be an emotion, a happening, a memory, it seems it can take over in an instant.
I've been through something like that, and I've only just gotten over it. It's only been a year since I had to deal with it, and some nights I even find myself reliving it.
My childhood was taken away by it, just by the thought of it. Most of it was my fault, due to the fact that I was stupid enough to try and deal with it on my own. Sure I could deal with it to the point where I could temporarily sort it out for a month or so without killing myself over it... No, Devin doesn't know what happened to me, and he doesn't need to know, just like I don't need to know about his past. But if he's going through something at this very moment, then the best thing you can do is tell someone that you know will make a difference. For example, all I had to do was tell my parents, the last people that I wanted to know, and that fixed my problem in an instant.
The past does not define you, but it moulds you, and shapes you in to the person that you are today. Neither does it represent what you will become in the future, because that's a mystery that will only unfold in time.
By the end of our arguments, we're neck high in smiles and laughter. That's why we're not normal. I've known couples that are neck high in anger by the end of arguments. That's not what arguments are about, they're about recognising the problem and finding a way to resolve it, like what my parents have always done. And look where they are 26 years later in the marriage - Still happily married.
I hate it when people assume I'm really angry with Devin. They misinterpret my anger. I'm never angry with Devin, I'm angry with the problem. The problem is just usually something that Devin does, so it seems like I'm angry with him, when actually they have it all wrong. For example, the first time I got really angry and I told Mark about it, he didn't even want me talking to Devin because he thought that I would start shouting at him to a point where it might damage our relationship. Also, recently, where I've told Josh a problem that I had about moving to Canada, he also thought that Devin and I were going to break up because of it, just because I seemed really angry or upset with him. That's never the case; if anyone says so, even at the time when I seem really angry, I deny it all. I deny that I'm really angry with him, that it's possible that we might break up, because all of that, in my mind, is just pure bullshit. Never angry with Devin, just angry with the problem. Never misinterpret that. Never.
It's not like I planned on having a relationship this soon. Then again you can't really plan something that you don't expect. I tried to delay it, really I did, but something about Devin just drew me to him. No matter how much I tried to dissuade myself from having a relationship, I couldn't. I wasn't planning on having another relationship until I was surrounded by a career, and even then I knew it probably wouldn't work out because my relationships never work out, ever. I was imagining that I'd end up being a single mum with a career. But, the relationship I have with Devin is just unavoidable. Sure, I can create a paper thin wall between him and I while he's away and while I can't speak to him so that I don't miss him too much. I can create that emotional distance with him for a short while so that I can concentrate on other things, but I've never been able to totally friendzone him like I have with so many other guys.
There's usually a concrete wall there so that I don't get hurt, once again, but it's impossible to do that with Devin. Sure, paper-thin will suffice, but when he's there he breaks through like no other has. It's not like he has to try either because he managed to break through that brick wall that I had there for the longest time. It's crazy when I think about it, but it just makes me so happy that I care for him so much, that I want him so much, need him so much, and love him more than I ever thought I could love another person.
In my point of view, it's impossible, but I do; I love you Devin.
I get angry to a point where I mention the problem, which is usually something he is doing that reflects off of something that he has done. And then the actual argument starts, and he defends himself which he should rightfully do, because you never know, one day I might be wrong. Then he says something that is stupid, which is usually the case, and me being me I think it's adorable and soften up a bit. He takes me so seriously during arguments anyway because I'm very blunt and I swear a lot, and sometimes I forget to show him that I'm still happy, even though there's something that's bugging me. I am always happy, and he needs to know that too, even if I do seem really mad or upset at him - I still love him just as much as I did before the argument, and it wont change after either.
He gets so emotional during arguments too, it seems. Even though it's a small issue, he gets himself so wound up because I seem so angry. I don't know why but he always seems so off-guard aswell. He should know by now that an argument is bound to get mentioned after it seems like I have an issue, but I'm making a joke of it constantly. However this isn't the case all of the time, so I don't think that should be a guideline of my emotions and actions.
I used to be known as 'The Mystery' to people online and at school, so he should be glad that I changed for him, without even realising. I've surprised myself by how much I've changed emotionally and mentally. I've even gone out of my way to change myself physically, and I've never done this for anyone else my entire life, no matter how much I tried. He's changing too, and I see that. It's not like it's in a bad way either. Like I said to him; What we're doing is driven by one another, but the only person who is going to benefit out of it all in the end is ourselves.
He also seems worried about something about him, although he hasn't told me about this. Although I'm very anxious to know, and sometimes I find myself pushing him to find out what it is. I know how this feels. I don't know exactly what this problem is, but maybe it's something that is haunting him, and has been for a while. It's like a weight that seems to stop you from doing what you really want to do, and you're scared how it will affect you and those around you, close to you. You're scared of it, and it seems like you can't get rid of it... Whether this be an emotion, a happening, a memory, it seems it can take over in an instant.
I've been through something like that, and I've only just gotten over it. It's only been a year since I had to deal with it, and some nights I even find myself reliving it.
My childhood was taken away by it, just by the thought of it. Most of it was my fault, due to the fact that I was stupid enough to try and deal with it on my own. Sure I could deal with it to the point where I could temporarily sort it out for a month or so without killing myself over it... No, Devin doesn't know what happened to me, and he doesn't need to know, just like I don't need to know about his past. But if he's going through something at this very moment, then the best thing you can do is tell someone that you know will make a difference. For example, all I had to do was tell my parents, the last people that I wanted to know, and that fixed my problem in an instant.
The past does not define you, but it moulds you, and shapes you in to the person that you are today. Neither does it represent what you will become in the future, because that's a mystery that will only unfold in time.
By the end of our arguments, we're neck high in smiles and laughter. That's why we're not normal. I've known couples that are neck high in anger by the end of arguments. That's not what arguments are about, they're about recognising the problem and finding a way to resolve it, like what my parents have always done. And look where they are 26 years later in the marriage - Still happily married.
I hate it when people assume I'm really angry with Devin. They misinterpret my anger. I'm never angry with Devin, I'm angry with the problem. The problem is just usually something that Devin does, so it seems like I'm angry with him, when actually they have it all wrong. For example, the first time I got really angry and I told Mark about it, he didn't even want me talking to Devin because he thought that I would start shouting at him to a point where it might damage our relationship. Also, recently, where I've told Josh a problem that I had about moving to Canada, he also thought that Devin and I were going to break up because of it, just because I seemed really angry or upset with him. That's never the case; if anyone says so, even at the time when I seem really angry, I deny it all. I deny that I'm really angry with him, that it's possible that we might break up, because all of that, in my mind, is just pure bullshit. Never angry with Devin, just angry with the problem. Never misinterpret that. Never.
It's not like I planned on having a relationship this soon. Then again you can't really plan something that you don't expect. I tried to delay it, really I did, but something about Devin just drew me to him. No matter how much I tried to dissuade myself from having a relationship, I couldn't. I wasn't planning on having another relationship until I was surrounded by a career, and even then I knew it probably wouldn't work out because my relationships never work out, ever. I was imagining that I'd end up being a single mum with a career. But, the relationship I have with Devin is just unavoidable. Sure, I can create a paper thin wall between him and I while he's away and while I can't speak to him so that I don't miss him too much. I can create that emotional distance with him for a short while so that I can concentrate on other things, but I've never been able to totally friendzone him like I have with so many other guys.
There's usually a concrete wall there so that I don't get hurt, once again, but it's impossible to do that with Devin. Sure, paper-thin will suffice, but when he's there he breaks through like no other has. It's not like he has to try either because he managed to break through that brick wall that I had there for the longest time. It's crazy when I think about it, but it just makes me so happy that I care for him so much, that I want him so much, need him so much, and love him more than I ever thought I could love another person.
In my point of view, it's impossible, but I do; I love you Devin.
Saturday, 2 June 2012
Deep Thoughts... While they're still there
I know a few people have been saying to Alex that he needs to get over Brit because they're never going to get back together again, but they need to realise that whether Brit was a rebound relationship or not, Alex had, and still has, feelings for her. If it was that bad of a rebound then he wouldn't be so choked up about it. But he is, so there's obviously something there between them, whether some people like it or not.
Alex and I aren't best friends, but we have been talking alot lately and it sucks seeing him get this upset. He can't even speak to her for christ sake. Time is always a healer, and he's going to feel better about this eventually, but the fact is that he's upset now, and I know that I've had to get over the most traumatic things in my life without telling anyone about them, scared that I wouldn't get that support that I needed just because it's over a guy or another girl.
Things will be okay though. Things will always turn out for the better, and I'm glad that Alex can be happy because the only times that should matter are when you're smiling. You can't avoid the tragic things that happen in life, and they can't be ignored either, but I know that I always try to be happy because I know that whatever happens in my life, I have another chance to make things right. It's what makes us emotionally and mentally stronger as human beings. Even if it just means that my smile is passed on to another for a single moment, something is being done to make those around me happier with their lives.
I'm going through a story at the moment. It's about this little girl called Malaika, and the first chapter tells us about the relationship she had with her father, or currently has with him. It's very unclear so far. It's all memories, and it's very light, but you can't really tell whether the memories happened a long time ago or recently because of the nature of the script. I can't really tell where it's going either, it's rather mysterious and vague. But I like it, so I'll put some here.
I always find that it's best to read out loud. Also, here's some music that might make this story mean something >> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8u4VLk0iTI
She felt the grass between her fingertips; so soft, just like the cool breeze that brushed against her cheeks and flowed through her hair, making each strand ripple like each droplet of water that gently fell into a river. Her expression already soft with the peaceful twinkle in dawns air had grown content, the rise of the side of her mouth created a beautiful smile that could only be triggered by some sort of memory or occurrence. That silk touch against her cheek reminded her of how her father consoled her. A gentle tap on her sweet button nose and a kiss planted upon her forehead.
He had once told her that there was a land above the land, a place where the grass was tinted a gray-yellow, and a place where you could feel the cool clouds escape through your fingers. This land was the only place where true serenity could be sought and pure peace would be found among conflict that would soon take over,
'Malaika...'
Gentle words seeped in to her mind, echo's of reassurance and images of his handsome smile that was square but truthful. His embrace was warm as he whispered sweet lullaby's into her ear. Safe and sound, he always said; safe and sound in prosperity, with no marks to signify the dread of the past. Always looking forward into the dawns misted light, never looking back into the eyes of fear and dead. Fear and dead, never to be seen. Even if you were blind, he said; even if you were blind you would be able to seek this land and feel its presence. It is where we go, it is where we all go. No need to be scared anymore,
'No need to be scared anymore. Daddy is here, daddy will keep you safe and sound. No one can lay hands upon skin so fine; delicacy, and hand on heart. A precious angel whose soul is kind; shallow waters have never seen such purity in art.'
She remembered those words and none other before he left. Sometimes she would try to remember if he had once said goodbye to her, that he loved her, but none other than those words spoken could be dreamt up in this lush fairytale. She would dream within dreams of the land above the land, white lights blinding her purity from the dark shadows where nightmares could creep in and steal her away from her memories.
Her father is the only true man that she had ever known to exist. Gunfire could not drown out his words of wisdom. In the bleakness of December, the ember ashes became flakes of white dust that fell from the sun-beamed sky, and his word would be the last word that existed.
So yeah, that's it, that's the first part of the story. It doesn't seem to have anywhere to go, or rather it doesn't feel like an actual story, but I guess it will have somewhere to go. Enya is pretty powerful, words alone. Words do mean quite a lot, so I like to choose them carefully. They can be misinterpreted so easily, and I try to make my point as clear as possible, whatever that may be. There's always meaning behind everything I write, whether I end up realizing this later on or I have a specific purpose from the beginning. I guess that's why I prefer writing about feelings rather than events, because feelings have so much more meaning unless an event is explained in such a way that a meaning comes from it. It's why I've never been particularly good as writing songs or poems, because my thoughts come out in bounds of descriptive sentences and emotions that can go on for paragraphs and paragraphs. For example, what I'm writing now was originally planned to be a few sentences, and look how descriptive it is now.
I guess I've had thoughts lately that names are pretty powerful too, and you can't really excape the concept of a name because it's something that someone will always remember you by. I thought that Vex would be a perfect name to put on everything. Just because it signified a huge part of my past that changed me extensively, I thought that maybe I could change the meaning of the name in to something positive. What it meant to me was something corruptive and rebellious, and I tried to change that like I was trying to change the past.
I don't want that anymore. I don't want to be known as 'Vex Pandasaur' or 'Vex Skyler'. It's not me, and it never should have been me, and I shouldn't try to make it into something that it isn't. Anyone who isn't myself and one other person wouldn't have a clue as to what I'm talking about, because they weren't a part of what we went through.
My point is that I should start fresh if I want to start fresh concerning College, friends, and even a relationship. I should have done this six months ago when I became someone that I should have been all along, not someone that I was pretending to be. This is me now, and I would have doubts of that if it weren't true. I see reason, and the reason within this is that I can now move on. Even if it's just a silly name that is holding me back slightly, it's still a hold back.
I have another name in mind, it's just something that came to me just as I was about to fall asleep. The best things come to me just as I'm about to drift off. The name is Newpie (Like: *NEW-pea*). It may sound a bit familiar to some as I've been watching a lot of PewDiePie's videos, and I realized this not too long ago, but it actually comes from the word Newb (as in Newbie). That was my first thought when I was thinking about the name. It's really random, and I honestly have as much of a clue as anyone else, but I guess it's cute.
I just think it's funny that Devin had no clue what I was talking about earlier when I mentioned it. I guess the memory was so vivid that I thought I had talked about it before. My near-dream deep thinking isn't usually remembered, so I'm surprised a lot of this has been, because it's just talking about names.
So yeah. Newpie is good enough for a lifetime I guess.
Alex and I aren't best friends, but we have been talking alot lately and it sucks seeing him get this upset. He can't even speak to her for christ sake. Time is always a healer, and he's going to feel better about this eventually, but the fact is that he's upset now, and I know that I've had to get over the most traumatic things in my life without telling anyone about them, scared that I wouldn't get that support that I needed just because it's over a guy or another girl.
Things will be okay though. Things will always turn out for the better, and I'm glad that Alex can be happy because the only times that should matter are when you're smiling. You can't avoid the tragic things that happen in life, and they can't be ignored either, but I know that I always try to be happy because I know that whatever happens in my life, I have another chance to make things right. It's what makes us emotionally and mentally stronger as human beings. Even if it just means that my smile is passed on to another for a single moment, something is being done to make those around me happier with their lives.
I'm going through a story at the moment. It's about this little girl called Malaika, and the first chapter tells us about the relationship she had with her father, or currently has with him. It's very unclear so far. It's all memories, and it's very light, but you can't really tell whether the memories happened a long time ago or recently because of the nature of the script. I can't really tell where it's going either, it's rather mysterious and vague. But I like it, so I'll put some here.
I always find that it's best to read out loud. Also, here's some music that might make this story mean something >> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8u4VLk0iTI
She felt the grass between her fingertips; so soft, just like the cool breeze that brushed against her cheeks and flowed through her hair, making each strand ripple like each droplet of water that gently fell into a river. Her expression already soft with the peaceful twinkle in dawns air had grown content, the rise of the side of her mouth created a beautiful smile that could only be triggered by some sort of memory or occurrence. That silk touch against her cheek reminded her of how her father consoled her. A gentle tap on her sweet button nose and a kiss planted upon her forehead.
He had once told her that there was a land above the land, a place where the grass was tinted a gray-yellow, and a place where you could feel the cool clouds escape through your fingers. This land was the only place where true serenity could be sought and pure peace would be found among conflict that would soon take over,
'Malaika...'
Gentle words seeped in to her mind, echo's of reassurance and images of his handsome smile that was square but truthful. His embrace was warm as he whispered sweet lullaby's into her ear. Safe and sound, he always said; safe and sound in prosperity, with no marks to signify the dread of the past. Always looking forward into the dawns misted light, never looking back into the eyes of fear and dead. Fear and dead, never to be seen. Even if you were blind, he said; even if you were blind you would be able to seek this land and feel its presence. It is where we go, it is where we all go. No need to be scared anymore,
'No need to be scared anymore. Daddy is here, daddy will keep you safe and sound. No one can lay hands upon skin so fine; delicacy, and hand on heart. A precious angel whose soul is kind; shallow waters have never seen such purity in art.'
She remembered those words and none other before he left. Sometimes she would try to remember if he had once said goodbye to her, that he loved her, but none other than those words spoken could be dreamt up in this lush fairytale. She would dream within dreams of the land above the land, white lights blinding her purity from the dark shadows where nightmares could creep in and steal her away from her memories.
Her father is the only true man that she had ever known to exist. Gunfire could not drown out his words of wisdom. In the bleakness of December, the ember ashes became flakes of white dust that fell from the sun-beamed sky, and his word would be the last word that existed.
So yeah, that's it, that's the first part of the story. It doesn't seem to have anywhere to go, or rather it doesn't feel like an actual story, but I guess it will have somewhere to go. Enya is pretty powerful, words alone. Words do mean quite a lot, so I like to choose them carefully. They can be misinterpreted so easily, and I try to make my point as clear as possible, whatever that may be. There's always meaning behind everything I write, whether I end up realizing this later on or I have a specific purpose from the beginning. I guess that's why I prefer writing about feelings rather than events, because feelings have so much more meaning unless an event is explained in such a way that a meaning comes from it. It's why I've never been particularly good as writing songs or poems, because my thoughts come out in bounds of descriptive sentences and emotions that can go on for paragraphs and paragraphs. For example, what I'm writing now was originally planned to be a few sentences, and look how descriptive it is now.
I guess I've had thoughts lately that names are pretty powerful too, and you can't really excape the concept of a name because it's something that someone will always remember you by. I thought that Vex would be a perfect name to put on everything. Just because it signified a huge part of my past that changed me extensively, I thought that maybe I could change the meaning of the name in to something positive. What it meant to me was something corruptive and rebellious, and I tried to change that like I was trying to change the past.
I don't want that anymore. I don't want to be known as 'Vex Pandasaur' or 'Vex Skyler'. It's not me, and it never should have been me, and I shouldn't try to make it into something that it isn't. Anyone who isn't myself and one other person wouldn't have a clue as to what I'm talking about, because they weren't a part of what we went through.
My point is that I should start fresh if I want to start fresh concerning College, friends, and even a relationship. I should have done this six months ago when I became someone that I should have been all along, not someone that I was pretending to be. This is me now, and I would have doubts of that if it weren't true. I see reason, and the reason within this is that I can now move on. Even if it's just a silly name that is holding me back slightly, it's still a hold back.
I have another name in mind, it's just something that came to me just as I was about to fall asleep. The best things come to me just as I'm about to drift off. The name is Newpie (Like: *NEW-pea*). It may sound a bit familiar to some as I've been watching a lot of PewDiePie's videos, and I realized this not too long ago, but it actually comes from the word Newb (as in Newbie). That was my first thought when I was thinking about the name. It's really random, and I honestly have as much of a clue as anyone else, but I guess it's cute.
I just think it's funny that Devin had no clue what I was talking about earlier when I mentioned it. I guess the memory was so vivid that I thought I had talked about it before. My near-dream deep thinking isn't usually remembered, so I'm surprised a lot of this has been, because it's just talking about names.
So yeah. Newpie is good enough for a lifetime I guess.
Thursday, 31 May 2012
If you have your eyes closed, there's a high chance of injury.
See what I did there? Probably not...
I'm listening to really loud Dubstep and I suddenly have a raging urge to write even though I said I couldn't be fucked five minutes ago. But, you know, I'm totally a hypocrite and all so of course I would contradict everything I say. Mreheh...
In a way, quite a lot has happened over the last few weeks. We had our last big performance of the year before the summer holiday (vacation w/e) and it went pretty sound. Actually, it went amazingly considering the day before the performance was filled with shit-sticks and dogs bollocks and nobody wanted to do it because they all thought that it would go terribly and that we would be so crap that everybody would just take a dump on the Performing Arts course. They said that the only good episodes were the first Episode because of Anya, and the second episode because of me (totally didn't encourage that B3). The thing that pissed me off was that on the actual day of the performance in the morning, everyone was still whining and bitching about it, and just before the performance half of the girls in the group decided to hate on eachother and start shouting.
To be completely honest I totally nailed every piece of movement and acting technique and just got better every time we did it. Over two nights we did two matinee's and two evening performances. I think that I was more focused for movement in the second matinee because we were filmed, but I just went all out with the acting on the second evening performance because my mum was there (Lawl). It was fun, the experience, in its own special and retarted way. Mark didn't learn all of his lines until the night before the performance, so kudos to him for actually getting off of his butt and trying to make this a success for us.
It was the last day of term before the holidays this week today, and to be honest I did absolutely fuck all. I did a bit of my business, had my ILP meeting with Steph, went to go eat, played online games with Mark, and then pissed around in the IT Suite with the guys from the music course... And rapey George from the Art course (Anya is his girlfriend, and we're best friends, but when he gets rapey it just makes me cringe so much - I hope Devin isn't as rapey as he is *puke*). It's not even a good kind of rapey that you can get away with, it's so touchey and constantly pulling and hugging tightly and craving attention. He's so needy! But I guess she likes him, sort of, so I can put up with it. I never used to talk to George because I wasn't too sure about him and he can get violent, not even in a funny way, but I talk to him now - By talk to him, I mean that I take the piss out of him and the only response that comes out of his mouth is "Fuck you". The only reason why that's so hilarious is because that's all he can say, 'cause inside you know that he is a douchebag son of a pussy with a cunt full of bullshit and a dick full of jizz that will never be shot into Anya's clunge because she's just not that type of girl... That's why it's funny, and that's why I am able to take the piss out of him so much.
I don't want to end this talking about George because that's just gross, so I guess that I could end it on this note:
Devin smokes way too much weed for his own health, and
Devin needs to learn when I'm serious and when I'm being sarcastic. But that's a pretty hard feat, even for myself, so kudos to him for trying anyway.
I'm listening to really loud Dubstep and I suddenly have a raging urge to write even though I said I couldn't be fucked five minutes ago. But, you know, I'm totally a hypocrite and all so of course I would contradict everything I say. Mreheh...
In a way, quite a lot has happened over the last few weeks. We had our last big performance of the year before the summer holiday (vacation w/e) and it went pretty sound. Actually, it went amazingly considering the day before the performance was filled with shit-sticks and dogs bollocks and nobody wanted to do it because they all thought that it would go terribly and that we would be so crap that everybody would just take a dump on the Performing Arts course. They said that the only good episodes were the first Episode because of Anya, and the second episode because of me (totally didn't encourage that B3). The thing that pissed me off was that on the actual day of the performance in the morning, everyone was still whining and bitching about it, and just before the performance half of the girls in the group decided to hate on eachother and start shouting.
To be completely honest I totally nailed every piece of movement and acting technique and just got better every time we did it. Over two nights we did two matinee's and two evening performances. I think that I was more focused for movement in the second matinee because we were filmed, but I just went all out with the acting on the second evening performance because my mum was there (Lawl). It was fun, the experience, in its own special and retarted way. Mark didn't learn all of his lines until the night before the performance, so kudos to him for actually getting off of his butt and trying to make this a success for us.
It was the last day of term before the holidays this week today, and to be honest I did absolutely fuck all. I did a bit of my business, had my ILP meeting with Steph, went to go eat, played online games with Mark, and then pissed around in the IT Suite with the guys from the music course... And rapey George from the Art course (Anya is his girlfriend, and we're best friends, but when he gets rapey it just makes me cringe so much - I hope Devin isn't as rapey as he is *puke*). It's not even a good kind of rapey that you can get away with, it's so touchey and constantly pulling and hugging tightly and craving attention. He's so needy! But I guess she likes him, sort of, so I can put up with it. I never used to talk to George because I wasn't too sure about him and he can get violent, not even in a funny way, but I talk to him now - By talk to him, I mean that I take the piss out of him and the only response that comes out of his mouth is "Fuck you". The only reason why that's so hilarious is because that's all he can say, 'cause inside you know that he is a douchebag son of a pussy with a cunt full of bullshit and a dick full of jizz that will never be shot into Anya's clunge because she's just not that type of girl... That's why it's funny, and that's why I am able to take the piss out of him so much.
I don't want to end this talking about George because that's just gross, so I guess that I could end it on this note:
Devin smokes way too much weed for his own health, and
Devin needs to learn when I'm serious and when I'm being sarcastic. But that's a pretty hard feat, even for myself, so kudos to him for trying anyway.
Life's like a box of PIRANHAS
My eyes are for the heavens above, may they watch over you.
My hands are for your protection, may they combat your enemies.
My lips speak the words that let you know my love is true.
My heart is only for you, even 'til the end of me.
I started writing a blog post and I started to write that. Oh well.
It's a little past 4 AM now and I decided to write something. The blog has been pretty empty with me being a lame writer and Leigh having more important things to do. This post should give you something to read.
Right now a few things are going on in my life:
1. I work at McDonalds
2. In a little more than a week I will have performed a play in public
3. Weight loss
4. Having to get a shift change for the play
Those are the important things for this week although 1 and 3 are always important. The play is okay but I will be glad when it is over. The play tries to be very informative which makes it a little less fun. I mean, sure, I get to chase around an old prostitute, but it's just not the same as other times I have performed. Maybe it's because of the people or it is because the play kinda sucks, either way I can't wait until it's performed and done with. I've nearly memorized all of my lines, about a week before the performances and I think that's a good time to memorize. I don't have many lines, [I think maybe 5 lines plus a monologue?], so all I really have to work on is the monologue. It's a short monologue, but I've barely looked at it. I'm sure it will be done by the time I need to recite my lines.
On another topic, Alex and Brittany broke up. Not much of a shock to me, but it still sucks. Alex seems pretty beat up about it and I really hope he can cheer up soon. I don't really have much to say on the topic of Alex and Brittany so I'm not too sure why I brought it up. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.
Now for the most important subject in this entire blog post... Leigh. I think Leigh is the one person that just makes everything better. The play would be better with her in it, McDonalds would be better if she worked there, and I'm much better and much happier with her in my life. I'm looking forward to the day that I actually get to see and touch Leigh. I'd probably cry and break down, but in a good way. I can't wait for December, I really hope Leigh can visit because that would be the greatest Christmas present evarrr!
I've been spending too much money lately, I really need to cut down. I should go to the bank soon and see if I can open a savings account so that I can start really saving rather than just putting money in the bank. I need to slow down on what I buy. I want to buy more weed but I'm going to wait, or at least try to. I could always get a second job, that would help with getting a lot of money. I still have yet to go to the Kenwood Center to see if anyone is starting the U-Haul business again. I have plenty of experience in that so I think if someone is starting that business that I would be a great asset. Plus, the other day, I saw some U-Haul trailers at Kenwood Center so that's another clue.
It's already 4:30 AM now so I think I will end this blog now.
This blog has been more about what is going in my life rather than what is going on inside my head/soul/body. Perhaps my next one will try to help explain what is so messed up about me. :P
This blog is for you, Leigh. I hope you like it, 'cause I sure like you. :3 <3
My hands are for your protection, may they combat your enemies.
My lips speak the words that let you know my love is true.
My heart is only for you, even 'til the end of me.
I started writing a blog post and I started to write that. Oh well.
It's a little past 4 AM now and I decided to write something. The blog has been pretty empty with me being a lame writer and Leigh having more important things to do. This post should give you something to read.
Right now a few things are going on in my life:
1. I work at McDonalds
2. In a little more than a week I will have performed a play in public
3. Weight loss
4. Having to get a shift change for the play
Those are the important things for this week although 1 and 3 are always important. The play is okay but I will be glad when it is over. The play tries to be very informative which makes it a little less fun. I mean, sure, I get to chase around an old prostitute, but it's just not the same as other times I have performed. Maybe it's because of the people or it is because the play kinda sucks, either way I can't wait until it's performed and done with. I've nearly memorized all of my lines, about a week before the performances and I think that's a good time to memorize. I don't have many lines, [I think maybe 5 lines plus a monologue?], so all I really have to work on is the monologue. It's a short monologue, but I've barely looked at it. I'm sure it will be done by the time I need to recite my lines.
On another topic, Alex and Brittany broke up. Not much of a shock to me, but it still sucks. Alex seems pretty beat up about it and I really hope he can cheer up soon. I don't really have much to say on the topic of Alex and Brittany so I'm not too sure why I brought it up. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.
Now for the most important subject in this entire blog post... Leigh. I think Leigh is the one person that just makes everything better. The play would be better with her in it, McDonalds would be better if she worked there, and I'm much better and much happier with her in my life. I'm looking forward to the day that I actually get to see and touch Leigh. I'd probably cry and break down, but in a good way. I can't wait for December, I really hope Leigh can visit because that would be the greatest Christmas present evarrr!
I've been spending too much money lately, I really need to cut down. I should go to the bank soon and see if I can open a savings account so that I can start really saving rather than just putting money in the bank. I need to slow down on what I buy. I want to buy more weed but I'm going to wait, or at least try to. I could always get a second job, that would help with getting a lot of money. I still have yet to go to the Kenwood Center to see if anyone is starting the U-Haul business again. I have plenty of experience in that so I think if someone is starting that business that I would be a great asset. Plus, the other day, I saw some U-Haul trailers at Kenwood Center so that's another clue.
It's already 4:30 AM now so I think I will end this blog now.
This blog has been more about what is going in my life rather than what is going on inside my head/soul/body. Perhaps my next one will try to help explain what is so messed up about me. :P
This blog is for you, Leigh. I hope you like it, 'cause I sure like you. :3 <3
Monday, 7 May 2012
I desire your smile.
I have a lot of these I'm going to have to confess eventually, I'm not even sure where to start but when I need to say something, I'll be able to. Right now isn't the time though. I have a lot I could tell Leigh but I don't think it's important right now. When it's ready to come out, it will.
Today, all I have to say is that I'm confused and I feel like a jerk for being so stupid. I just want to make Leigh smile and to have her laugh all day, but that's not what I'm doing right now. Not sure what to do.
One thing I do know is that I really like Leigh. She means everything to me and I can't wait to see her, to tell her everything I've been wanting to tell her. To hold her and to kiss her. It will be amazing... If we can hold out that long of course :P <3.
Today, all I have to say is that I'm confused and I feel like a jerk for being so stupid. I just want to make Leigh smile and to have her laugh all day, but that's not what I'm doing right now. Not sure what to do.
One thing I do know is that I really like Leigh. She means everything to me and I can't wait to see her, to tell her everything I've been wanting to tell her. To hold her and to kiss her. It will be amazing... If we can hold out that long of course :P <3.
Saturday, 28 April 2012
Sorry... I might have sore knuckles again
Last night was... Horrible. Yesterday was just one prolonged moment of nothing, but it doesn't compare to how I feel today - The aftermath of the event. Just simply, silence. There's nothing to feel today, maybe I should be feeling something but I don't want anymore thoughts entering my mind about yesterday or the day before, just the past in general. I'm trying my hardest not to feel anything today because all that will come out of it will just be anger and tears. So just nothing sounds like the best plan.
Can't eat today. Of course I have eaten, otherwise my stomach would feel like hell, I just haven't been bothered with eating. A banana and a piece of last nights pizza will suffice until dinner. I was scared this morning, an inward emotion that was caused by the fact that I didn't feel anything. I couldn't feel anything. I remember that emotion. I remember that apathetic stare, feeling no energy to do anything and trying to do something, but I can't. So much emotion from the night before that you feel like you're empty. I'm just glad that I've experienced enough to know that everything will be okay. Everything will work out. Just don't think for now, just do, and all of that will come later.
Last night was painful. All day I was just thinking so much, trying to figure out what to do. Every second was filled with doubt and confusion, trying to distract myself from emotion. So many things had gone wrong, and just like always it was my fault. It has always been my fault in the past, and if it weren't for the things in Devin that make him so perfect, then what I did might have ruined everything.
I really did want to say to him that I loved him back. He was trying to make me feel better, and it was working, I really was starting to feel better about what I did. But then he told me that he loved me, and all of a sudden I couldn't breathe. All of a sudden everything became a blur, and I don't know why.
I got up from the desk and leaned against my bed, half crying and half stifling to breathe. I know that feeling, I know that pain from the past. I sat on the bed, curling up as I shook, trying to call to Devin from the bed, but I just couldn't speak. It came out in a gasp rather than a voice. I couldn't breathe, and he was the only one I wanted.
It started to get better, I could cry without feeling like a vacuum had sucked all of the air out of me, constantly feeling like I was empty but nothing could get in. He had hung up and was calling me again, so I went over to the desk and answered it. I couldn't speak, and it was getting harder to breathe again. I was trying so hard to tell him that I couldn't breathe, but even then he couldn't hear me. I tried to calm down again, it wasn't so much of a task to cry, and eventually I could tell him.
Even though I was calmer and I could talk, I was shaking. I remember that too, I remember the feeling of shaking uncontrollably, feeling like I was freezing to death. He continued to talk to me, and I was shaking less. He was trying to talk to me, but I just felt so dizzy. My head felt numb and I felt like I could hardly stay awake. I told him that I needed to go lie down, but all I can remember is that he just kept talking, and eventually I just said that I needed to go, that I needed to rest. All of that energy was just being sucked out of me, all of that energy that suddenly came to me as that panic took over, had disappeared just as fast as it came.
I got up, trying to focus, and he started to cry. He was crying. I can't remember what he said but he was calling my name, and I tried to answer, I wanted to call to him, to tell him that it was going to be okay, but I couldn't. Nothing came out, and just as I felt I was about to, he hung up. No word from me. That must have felt so painful for him. He was upset, and he was crying, and I couldn't even find the voice to tell him that it was going to be okay, that we were going to be okay.
It took a while to get to sleep, just because I started to cry as well, but I eventually fell asleep. I woke up a few times, but I just felt exhausted and ended up falling asleep again. Even when I did decide to wake up to talk to Devin, I was still just as tired. I felt so empty, I felt like he missed everything. I felt that, even though he had posted on my wall and messaged me so much as I was sleeping, he wanted to throw everything aside. I needed to talk to him about what he had posted, but I knew that it would be better if he brought it up before I did. So I just sat there in silence mostly, waiting for him to bring it up.
I watched Dexter for a while until my laptop crashed. It doesn't even take a few minutes for reboot, but when I did reboot Devin wasn't online. He might have crashed too. But I didn't have the patience or the will to wait, so I just left a message saying that I'm going back to sleep, that it felt like he was too busy to talk.
I woke up and there were more messages, but only a few. It sounded like he was feeling better anyway, so I didn't want to dampen his spirit just because I was too exhausted to strike a conversation, and he was busy talking to others to start a conversation either. I was being too stubborn, and sometimes wouldn't even answer him because all I wanted to talk about was that post.
And now I'm here, feeling nothing, and thinking nothing. I'm not even sure if any of this would make sense because it has just been a thoughtless rambling that I need to get out, that I know wont come out all at once if I were to talk to Devin about it. I've had a couple of panic attacks before, and I know that they've been caused by unexpected events; So why couldn't I control myself last night? The worst thing is that I know that I'll have to go through this all over again in December, and next time I'll have to make a decision. Will it be as difficult as this? Will it be even more difficult?
Devin may have triggered whatever happened to me last night, but he wasn't the main cause of it. Others may be able to say, 'Well if you wouldn't have met him, you wouldn't be in this situation', and 'If you break up with him, you still have what you had all along. You'll still get what you wanted.'
It's not that simple. It's not that simple to just break up with him, to just forget him, to wish that I had never met him. I love him, and I care for him, and I want what's best for him just as much as I want what's best for me. That's what's holding me back from breaking up with him and forgetting about him. I want him to feel safe, and happy, and reassured that he can have an amazing future because I'll be there with him and for him, urging him on into the right direction. I'm so torn because everyone is telling me to follow my own path, the path that I originally set for myself. But I made that decision to stray from that path nearly 4 months ago, that was my decision. Now I have a choice to go back to my original path, to follow that straight road to what I've always wanted.
But now things are different. I can't do that now, and my conscience will never let me do that, because if I do then Devin's path will return to how it used to be. The only risk I am taking by not going back is that the road I take will be unpredictable. But that's what life is all about. Taking those risks. If I go back now then I run the risk of losing someone that I want to be beside. I want to be with Devin, and I want to love him and care for him, and to make him happy all of the time. Being happy is what he deserves; so why can't anyone else see that? Why can't they see that his new path is at stake a thousand times more than my original path will ever be if I choose to go back?
Why would I ever throw away something that means so much to me, that would cause me to change my mind about something so important in my life. If Devin is significant enough to make me change my entire future, then why can't anyone else understand that he should be the one to stay. He should be the thing that matters most. He should be the primary concern. He shouldn't be judged, and no one should carry that first impression of him that he isn't good for me because we have never made any physical contact. Why should that stop me from loving him? Why should that stop me from choosing him?
I have loved before, I have cared before, but I have never put my career on hold for anyone, not even those that I have cried over. I have never been in that situation where I was tearing my hair out because I couldn't choose between a career and a long-lasting relationship.
What's more is that he loves me, and he cares for me. He wants what's best for me, and even though he has been torn up about the chance that there's a possibility that he'll lose me, he can still accept that I might not choose him. Even though there might not be a chance that we will spend the rest of our days together, he still supports me in my decision, and every decision that I make, no matter how many times I've changed my mind.
I honestly do not know what I want more, but I do know that everything has been put on hold for him, and I know that in my mind that I will be happier if I don't erase him from my life. Fuck what Mark says, that he thinks that I'm only torn between Devin and acting because I can only hear what Devin says. This is my own decision, and nothing that Devin has ever said has influenced that.
If everything fucks up in the future, then I can accept that it will be my fault, that I might have wasted a few years of my life. But isn't it best to waste a few years than to have lost some, because that is what I'll end up doing if I don't choose Devin. Years of love and passion and want will be lost and buried because I didn't take that chance, and I didn't take that risk. What's the matter with taking risks? Life isn't perfect, and my own childhood established that, in a bad way. Why can't I take the good risks, the life-fulfilling risks that will at least make life more interesting and unpredictable? Why is everyone so against that?
Life shouldn't be served on a plate, it shouldn't be foretold or planned. It shouldn't go with absolute precision to the tiniest detail; So why is everyone so concerned? I've been through serious relationships before, and I know that they can end just as fast as they started, I'm fully aware of that. Just let me make that mistake again, the mistake of putting emotion before knowledge, because you never know that it might be the best decision I've ever made.
Can't eat today. Of course I have eaten, otherwise my stomach would feel like hell, I just haven't been bothered with eating. A banana and a piece of last nights pizza will suffice until dinner. I was scared this morning, an inward emotion that was caused by the fact that I didn't feel anything. I couldn't feel anything. I remember that emotion. I remember that apathetic stare, feeling no energy to do anything and trying to do something, but I can't. So much emotion from the night before that you feel like you're empty. I'm just glad that I've experienced enough to know that everything will be okay. Everything will work out. Just don't think for now, just do, and all of that will come later.
Last night was painful. All day I was just thinking so much, trying to figure out what to do. Every second was filled with doubt and confusion, trying to distract myself from emotion. So many things had gone wrong, and just like always it was my fault. It has always been my fault in the past, and if it weren't for the things in Devin that make him so perfect, then what I did might have ruined everything.
I really did want to say to him that I loved him back. He was trying to make me feel better, and it was working, I really was starting to feel better about what I did. But then he told me that he loved me, and all of a sudden I couldn't breathe. All of a sudden everything became a blur, and I don't know why.
I got up from the desk and leaned against my bed, half crying and half stifling to breathe. I know that feeling, I know that pain from the past. I sat on the bed, curling up as I shook, trying to call to Devin from the bed, but I just couldn't speak. It came out in a gasp rather than a voice. I couldn't breathe, and he was the only one I wanted.
It started to get better, I could cry without feeling like a vacuum had sucked all of the air out of me, constantly feeling like I was empty but nothing could get in. He had hung up and was calling me again, so I went over to the desk and answered it. I couldn't speak, and it was getting harder to breathe again. I was trying so hard to tell him that I couldn't breathe, but even then he couldn't hear me. I tried to calm down again, it wasn't so much of a task to cry, and eventually I could tell him.
Even though I was calmer and I could talk, I was shaking. I remember that too, I remember the feeling of shaking uncontrollably, feeling like I was freezing to death. He continued to talk to me, and I was shaking less. He was trying to talk to me, but I just felt so dizzy. My head felt numb and I felt like I could hardly stay awake. I told him that I needed to go lie down, but all I can remember is that he just kept talking, and eventually I just said that I needed to go, that I needed to rest. All of that energy was just being sucked out of me, all of that energy that suddenly came to me as that panic took over, had disappeared just as fast as it came.
I got up, trying to focus, and he started to cry. He was crying. I can't remember what he said but he was calling my name, and I tried to answer, I wanted to call to him, to tell him that it was going to be okay, but I couldn't. Nothing came out, and just as I felt I was about to, he hung up. No word from me. That must have felt so painful for him. He was upset, and he was crying, and I couldn't even find the voice to tell him that it was going to be okay, that we were going to be okay.
It took a while to get to sleep, just because I started to cry as well, but I eventually fell asleep. I woke up a few times, but I just felt exhausted and ended up falling asleep again. Even when I did decide to wake up to talk to Devin, I was still just as tired. I felt so empty, I felt like he missed everything. I felt that, even though he had posted on my wall and messaged me so much as I was sleeping, he wanted to throw everything aside. I needed to talk to him about what he had posted, but I knew that it would be better if he brought it up before I did. So I just sat there in silence mostly, waiting for him to bring it up.
I watched Dexter for a while until my laptop crashed. It doesn't even take a few minutes for reboot, but when I did reboot Devin wasn't online. He might have crashed too. But I didn't have the patience or the will to wait, so I just left a message saying that I'm going back to sleep, that it felt like he was too busy to talk.
I woke up and there were more messages, but only a few. It sounded like he was feeling better anyway, so I didn't want to dampen his spirit just because I was too exhausted to strike a conversation, and he was busy talking to others to start a conversation either. I was being too stubborn, and sometimes wouldn't even answer him because all I wanted to talk about was that post.
And now I'm here, feeling nothing, and thinking nothing. I'm not even sure if any of this would make sense because it has just been a thoughtless rambling that I need to get out, that I know wont come out all at once if I were to talk to Devin about it. I've had a couple of panic attacks before, and I know that they've been caused by unexpected events; So why couldn't I control myself last night? The worst thing is that I know that I'll have to go through this all over again in December, and next time I'll have to make a decision. Will it be as difficult as this? Will it be even more difficult?
Devin may have triggered whatever happened to me last night, but he wasn't the main cause of it. Others may be able to say, 'Well if you wouldn't have met him, you wouldn't be in this situation', and 'If you break up with him, you still have what you had all along. You'll still get what you wanted.'
It's not that simple. It's not that simple to just break up with him, to just forget him, to wish that I had never met him. I love him, and I care for him, and I want what's best for him just as much as I want what's best for me. That's what's holding me back from breaking up with him and forgetting about him. I want him to feel safe, and happy, and reassured that he can have an amazing future because I'll be there with him and for him, urging him on into the right direction. I'm so torn because everyone is telling me to follow my own path, the path that I originally set for myself. But I made that decision to stray from that path nearly 4 months ago, that was my decision. Now I have a choice to go back to my original path, to follow that straight road to what I've always wanted.
But now things are different. I can't do that now, and my conscience will never let me do that, because if I do then Devin's path will return to how it used to be. The only risk I am taking by not going back is that the road I take will be unpredictable. But that's what life is all about. Taking those risks. If I go back now then I run the risk of losing someone that I want to be beside. I want to be with Devin, and I want to love him and care for him, and to make him happy all of the time. Being happy is what he deserves; so why can't anyone else see that? Why can't they see that his new path is at stake a thousand times more than my original path will ever be if I choose to go back?
Why would I ever throw away something that means so much to me, that would cause me to change my mind about something so important in my life. If Devin is significant enough to make me change my entire future, then why can't anyone else understand that he should be the one to stay. He should be the thing that matters most. He should be the primary concern. He shouldn't be judged, and no one should carry that first impression of him that he isn't good for me because we have never made any physical contact. Why should that stop me from loving him? Why should that stop me from choosing him?
I have loved before, I have cared before, but I have never put my career on hold for anyone, not even those that I have cried over. I have never been in that situation where I was tearing my hair out because I couldn't choose between a career and a long-lasting relationship.
What's more is that he loves me, and he cares for me. He wants what's best for me, and even though he has been torn up about the chance that there's a possibility that he'll lose me, he can still accept that I might not choose him. Even though there might not be a chance that we will spend the rest of our days together, he still supports me in my decision, and every decision that I make, no matter how many times I've changed my mind.
I honestly do not know what I want more, but I do know that everything has been put on hold for him, and I know that in my mind that I will be happier if I don't erase him from my life. Fuck what Mark says, that he thinks that I'm only torn between Devin and acting because I can only hear what Devin says. This is my own decision, and nothing that Devin has ever said has influenced that.
If everything fucks up in the future, then I can accept that it will be my fault, that I might have wasted a few years of my life. But isn't it best to waste a few years than to have lost some, because that is what I'll end up doing if I don't choose Devin. Years of love and passion and want will be lost and buried because I didn't take that chance, and I didn't take that risk. What's the matter with taking risks? Life isn't perfect, and my own childhood established that, in a bad way. Why can't I take the good risks, the life-fulfilling risks that will at least make life more interesting and unpredictable? Why is everyone so against that?
Life shouldn't be served on a plate, it shouldn't be foretold or planned. It shouldn't go with absolute precision to the tiniest detail; So why is everyone so concerned? I've been through serious relationships before, and I know that they can end just as fast as they started, I'm fully aware of that. Just let me make that mistake again, the mistake of putting emotion before knowledge, because you never know that it might be the best decision I've ever made.
Sunday, 22 April 2012
Minight Posts
I feel a tad... Lonely. Not solemn, or upset, just lonely. It's not a bad thing, it just feels different. It almost feels foreign, like a new emotion I've come across, or maybe it's just something that I haven't felt in a very long time. It's weird. I want to say that I don't mind it, but it's not something that I am enjoying either.
I guess I'm just too used to having Devin around at nights, and whenever he's not I know that Jessie is always in the room. But I guess I have my own room now, and it feels kind of empty.
I was also thinking about what he said, that I should call him if something bad happened, like if I had a panic attack. I guess I just laughed at that because I knew that nothing like that could ever happen, but I guess that since he might have to stay out overnight and the Internet at Alex's is possibly down, we might not get to talk. Therefore, I suppose contact by mobile would be the last option.
I'm not really in the mood to talk about what I could have possibly made a post about because that would just bring up a lot of shit from the past - I try to make a habit of forgetting past occurrences that may have damaged my whole life if I didn't have sense enough to stop everything myself.
So yeah... I feel alright, just weird. It's nothing to mope about, just a mere observation.
Also, last night was amazing.
And...
Tomatoes.
I guess I'm just too used to having Devin around at nights, and whenever he's not I know that Jessie is always in the room. But I guess I have my own room now, and it feels kind of empty.
I was also thinking about what he said, that I should call him if something bad happened, like if I had a panic attack. I guess I just laughed at that because I knew that nothing like that could ever happen, but I guess that since he might have to stay out overnight and the Internet at Alex's is possibly down, we might not get to talk. Therefore, I suppose contact by mobile would be the last option.
I'm not really in the mood to talk about what I could have possibly made a post about because that would just bring up a lot of shit from the past - I try to make a habit of forgetting past occurrences that may have damaged my whole life if I didn't have sense enough to stop everything myself.
So yeah... I feel alright, just weird. It's nothing to mope about, just a mere observation.
Also, last night was amazing.
And...
Tomatoes.
Monday, 16 April 2012
College Tomorrow!
Ish feelun gut today ^o^
I may or may not feel like a noob for yesterdays post, but I guess many fucks proceed to not be given. This is good in my point of view, because I like it when no fucks are given since there are so much more lols then. I'm wearing my jeans today just so I can stretch them out tomorrow. The size I have now are too small, but because I've been losing weight, the size just above is too big. Typical. But I'm not planning on gaining weight any time soon so it's safer to go with the smaller size and get a belt later if I need to.
I've never really been too keen to talk about my weight. I've never been absolutely ashamed, just sort of disappointed because I let myself gain weight. I don't think I've ever talked about my weight ever, only a few times with my mum because of 'diet plans' and just general stuff. I don't think Devin knew until recently, and I'm not even sure if he knows now, but I'm not the skinniest girl. I think I'm just above average if I were to talk about 'weight scale'; that means yes, I do have to lose some pounds in order to be a 'healthy weight'.
I think I've been at my most self conscious in years, and that's mainly because I didn't want to disappoint Devin. Maybe the word disappoint is a bit too strong, but I was a tad wary to say the least. I've even said to him that I need to lose a bit of weight, and he denied it, so I made the point of saying that he hasn't actually seen my body. I've always thought that when he will see my body, I want him to see a fit and healthy young woman who looks after her body and takes pride in it - At the moment, I most definitely don't take much care of it.
I used to be bullied for my weight, and my mum always blame herself because she used to work all the time and so she didn't spend enough time to monitor what I was eating, unlike my dad who couldn't give two fucks how much I ate because we had a lot of money at the time. Therefore, I was extremely overweight at the age of 6. I do remember losing that weight pretty fast when my mum started to pay more attention to my eating habits, but I guess ever since then I've been very self conscious about my body and continued to put on weight and lose it. I mainly remember putting on weight when I was under a lot of stress, so you can imagine that I put on a good unwanted chunk during the last year and a half of high school just because it was a bunch of ballsacks to say the least.
With much happainess that proceeds to be nyan'ed my way, I've managed to lose that that weight I put on during that year and a half in the last year. Heck, it hasn't even been a year yet and I've lost more than I put on during that year and a half, which makes me feel amazing. However, since I'm not doing dance anymore in College, it's harder to lose more weight. To be honest, I've only got about 20kg to lose until I'm 'average', but I'm not going to stop losing at that point unless I'm satisfied with how I look. Trust me, I'm not into that anorexic size 0 cringefest, and I'm more into the toned up buff look, so it's going to be about plenty of exercise and an decent amount of food.
Who knows, maybe Devin and I could do it together! :D It would be another thing that we could do, another form of 'looking after eachother'. Aren't I just so intent on finding more reasons for us to talk. Hee hee :3
I was thinking that maybe the reason why I get just a tad bit angsty when talking to Devin late at night is because I'm not actually doing anything with him. Skyrim isn't exactly a multiplayer game, therefore I can't play that with him properly. I haven't got MW3 yet, so there's no bondage going on there. My Minecraft also seems ForeverFucked, so there's no playing that for quite a while. So, what else is there... ? Well, fuck all really. Our conversations go solidly solo, and I don't have much of a problem with that, but in my opinion I would rather be doing shit with him like a gamer couple should be instead of talking to him every so often where it's all lovey dovey mooshy bird shit stuff. Lets put it this way:
I am a girl who is not necessarily completely girl, so all this girly stuff is so new to me. I don't really understand the components of a 'real' relationship, therefore I need a guy who wants to do guy stuff with me, instead of guy/girl stuff with me, all of duh time. So really, it would be amazing if it was more of a bromance with (if you like) gay... stuff? I don't even fucking know, I'm just talking complete bullshit right now (trolol).
To put it simply, I enjoy the company of others SO much more if I'm fucking around with them all of the time. Devin and I used to do that quite a lot, and that's what I adore about him, his ability to treat me like a best friend with the benefits of all that mooshy bird shit stuff. But I guess there has been less of that lately, therefore I feel like, in a sense, that I'm being treated like any other girlfriend, or even that I'm being treated like a girl.
I've never liked being treated like a girl, which is probably why I preferred being good mates with guys and hanging out with them as 'one of them', because whenever I would get so close to a guy that it was almost like we could be in a relationship, I would push them away because that's not what I wanted. If I've learned anything from my Dad and other various superiors, it's that having a partner decreases your chance of a better future for yourself. All of my sisters are shining examples of, to put it bluntly, 'failed attempts'. (That's so fucking harsh, but I'm creasing up right now). And here I am, the forth attempt, and I have a solid relationship that I don't want to lose anytime soon. Dad hates that. He hates that I have a boyfriend and that I am head over heels adoring the fuck out of him, because that's a threat to his forth attempt. I'm laughing so much, but it's so true.
Fortunately for me I am so much smarter than my older sisters, therefore I know how to deal with this so that I get everything that I want, not half of what I want. They chose to have a family at a young age, however I'm chosing a relationship at a young age. You see the difference there? All of my sisters had kids at a young age, but that doesn't appeal to me whatsoever. What I want is a supporting boyfriend with similar interests who will guide me towards ... Whatever the fuck I'm being guided towards. That's something that my sisters don't have, full support from their other half.
Anyway, if anything, he is the one that needs the most support when it comes to stuff like that. I've been prepared for nearly all of my education life, constantly learning about the outside world and how it works, and how to get in the anal arse crack of society. I know exactly where I'm going and almost certain of how I'm going to do it, so it won't hurt to delay for a year or two. I could use some growing myself, and in the meantime I could get that fucking book I've been working on since I was 12 well under way. I'd rather have some ground beneath my feet before I go strolling out in to the air not knowing where I could land.
I may or may not feel like a noob for yesterdays post, but I guess many fucks proceed to not be given. This is good in my point of view, because I like it when no fucks are given since there are so much more lols then. I'm wearing my jeans today just so I can stretch them out tomorrow. The size I have now are too small, but because I've been losing weight, the size just above is too big. Typical. But I'm not planning on gaining weight any time soon so it's safer to go with the smaller size and get a belt later if I need to.
I've never really been too keen to talk about my weight. I've never been absolutely ashamed, just sort of disappointed because I let myself gain weight. I don't think I've ever talked about my weight ever, only a few times with my mum because of 'diet plans' and just general stuff. I don't think Devin knew until recently, and I'm not even sure if he knows now, but I'm not the skinniest girl. I think I'm just above average if I were to talk about 'weight scale'; that means yes, I do have to lose some pounds in order to be a 'healthy weight'.
I think I've been at my most self conscious in years, and that's mainly because I didn't want to disappoint Devin. Maybe the word disappoint is a bit too strong, but I was a tad wary to say the least. I've even said to him that I need to lose a bit of weight, and he denied it, so I made the point of saying that he hasn't actually seen my body. I've always thought that when he will see my body, I want him to see a fit and healthy young woman who looks after her body and takes pride in it - At the moment, I most definitely don't take much care of it.
I used to be bullied for my weight, and my mum always blame herself because she used to work all the time and so she didn't spend enough time to monitor what I was eating, unlike my dad who couldn't give two fucks how much I ate because we had a lot of money at the time. Therefore, I was extremely overweight at the age of 6. I do remember losing that weight pretty fast when my mum started to pay more attention to my eating habits, but I guess ever since then I've been very self conscious about my body and continued to put on weight and lose it. I mainly remember putting on weight when I was under a lot of stress, so you can imagine that I put on a good unwanted chunk during the last year and a half of high school just because it was a bunch of ballsacks to say the least.
With much happainess that proceeds to be nyan'ed my way, I've managed to lose that that weight I put on during that year and a half in the last year. Heck, it hasn't even been a year yet and I've lost more than I put on during that year and a half, which makes me feel amazing. However, since I'm not doing dance anymore in College, it's harder to lose more weight. To be honest, I've only got about 20kg to lose until I'm 'average', but I'm not going to stop losing at that point unless I'm satisfied with how I look. Trust me, I'm not into that anorexic size 0 cringefest, and I'm more into the toned up buff look, so it's going to be about plenty of exercise and an decent amount of food.
Who knows, maybe Devin and I could do it together! :D It would be another thing that we could do, another form of 'looking after eachother'. Aren't I just so intent on finding more reasons for us to talk. Hee hee :3
I was thinking that maybe the reason why I get just a tad bit angsty when talking to Devin late at night is because I'm not actually doing anything with him. Skyrim isn't exactly a multiplayer game, therefore I can't play that with him properly. I haven't got MW3 yet, so there's no bondage going on there. My Minecraft also seems ForeverFucked, so there's no playing that for quite a while. So, what else is there... ? Well, fuck all really. Our conversations go solidly solo, and I don't have much of a problem with that, but in my opinion I would rather be doing shit with him like a gamer couple should be instead of talking to him every so often where it's all lovey dovey mooshy bird shit stuff. Lets put it this way:
I am a girl who is not necessarily completely girl, so all this girly stuff is so new to me. I don't really understand the components of a 'real' relationship, therefore I need a guy who wants to do guy stuff with me, instead of guy/girl stuff with me, all of duh time. So really, it would be amazing if it was more of a bromance with (if you like) gay... stuff? I don't even fucking know, I'm just talking complete bullshit right now (trolol).
To put it simply, I enjoy the company of others SO much more if I'm fucking around with them all of the time. Devin and I used to do that quite a lot, and that's what I adore about him, his ability to treat me like a best friend with the benefits of all that mooshy bird shit stuff. But I guess there has been less of that lately, therefore I feel like, in a sense, that I'm being treated like any other girlfriend, or even that I'm being treated like a girl.
I've never liked being treated like a girl, which is probably why I preferred being good mates with guys and hanging out with them as 'one of them', because whenever I would get so close to a guy that it was almost like we could be in a relationship, I would push them away because that's not what I wanted. If I've learned anything from my Dad and other various superiors, it's that having a partner decreases your chance of a better future for yourself. All of my sisters are shining examples of, to put it bluntly, 'failed attempts'. (That's so fucking harsh, but I'm creasing up right now). And here I am, the forth attempt, and I have a solid relationship that I don't want to lose anytime soon. Dad hates that. He hates that I have a boyfriend and that I am head over heels adoring the fuck out of him, because that's a threat to his forth attempt. I'm laughing so much, but it's so true.
Fortunately for me I am so much smarter than my older sisters, therefore I know how to deal with this so that I get everything that I want, not half of what I want. They chose to have a family at a young age, however I'm chosing a relationship at a young age. You see the difference there? All of my sisters had kids at a young age, but that doesn't appeal to me whatsoever. What I want is a supporting boyfriend with similar interests who will guide me towards ... Whatever the fuck I'm being guided towards. That's something that my sisters don't have, full support from their other half.
Anyway, if anything, he is the one that needs the most support when it comes to stuff like that. I've been prepared for nearly all of my education life, constantly learning about the outside world and how it works, and how to get in the anal arse crack of society. I know exactly where I'm going and almost certain of how I'm going to do it, so it won't hurt to delay for a year or two. I could use some growing myself, and in the meantime I could get that fucking book I've been working on since I was 12 well under way. I'd rather have some ground beneath my feet before I go strolling out in to the air not knowing where I could land.
Sunday, 15 April 2012
If going back to College doesn't sort the problem, then I don't know what will. It's all my side of everything that's messed up. Since the holidays have started, I feel like I've just been trapped in a tiny fucking box that is 'my corner of the room where the desk lies'. I went out today to buy clothes, on my own, and I felt so fucking happy for no reason whatsoever. The truth is that no one, not even myself, can blame this on the relationship itself, because Devin was totally oblivious of me being upset, because there is nothing to be upset about.
I might have been a bit harsh because I said I wanted to go to bed early and I know that Devin really wants to talk to me, and here I am writing a blog, but to be honest I can't even go to sleep. So instead I'm listening to Infected Mushroom while writing this. Their songs really make me focused, even though they're such hype songs. If I were to be talking to Devin while writing this, then I don't think everything would come out the way I wanted it to.
I was pretty surprised that Devin was surprised that I've been upset. I guess he thinks that since I got over my last bump, which might have been a legit bump significantly made worse within my mind because of too much 'self reflection time' in this mother fucking box. I hate that this is what it has become. My corner was supposed to be somewhere I could escape to play video games and chat to the people I have fun with. But instead, since I don't have much else to do except talk to Devin and play shitty Skyrim, that escape has become the actual cage.
The cage kind of has nothing and everything to do with Devin. Every problem is a 'problem that involves Devin', and it sickens me because none of it is actually Devin's fault. What the fuck happened yesterday and today? Devin went out a lot, Devin was there but not actually there, just doing other things I assume like actually having a life - Unlike fucking PMS as shit girlfriend over here who cries over the stupidest of things and then gets angry and starts punching walls. How attractive is that, eh? If I had a girlfriend like me, I would dump her. Seriously, the way I've been acting lately has been selfish and self-centred, whether Devin knows it or not.
I don't mean to beat myself up about it, and I feel a lecture coming on about how 'I'm not that bad', but really; Should I be getting upset and angry this much? Of course I fucking shouldn't be! Before the relationship, even just before the holidays, everything was so much better. Which means, what the hell am I supposed to do in the summer holidays? This has only been two weeks, so just imagine what I would be like for six weeks. What the fuck would I do for those six weeks? I doubt that I'd be able to maintain a routine as busy as College since I'll end up going to sleep at about eight in the morning and waking up at four in the afternoon, by which time I wouldn't have been able to anything normal within those two or so hours until Devin gets online. I would then be talking to Devin until about eight in the morning again. Then in those sixteen hours, since I'll hardly be doing anything to entertain myself, I'll be sitting there like a twat once again banging my head against the desk - Sound familiar?
I wont punch the wall again... Maybe. It all depends on how I survive tomorrow. I'm not sure if Devin understands, but he wouldn't feel this way just because he goes out with his friends. Screw it all he lives with his best friend. He goes out often, he speaks to others on a regular basis, therefore he actually has a life outside everything else. I follow his time zone, his sleeping schedule. I try to fit my life around his, just because I thought that if I didn't then we wouldn't be spending enough time together. Now apparently it's unhealthy to wait at the desk all day with my face in the laptop acting like a noob while I wait for Devin to get back from whatever the fuck he's doing, and for once I completely agree.
You see the blog posts I publish about how happy I am, and how much this relationship has affected me in such an amazing way. That's how it should always be. There shouldn't be any of these bullshit posts that I've been writing more and more lately, because now I'm just starting to see a gruesome pattern that's only going to get messier.
Now it's time for me to rave to I.M just because I can. I can't really end this post on a happy or angry or upset note, because to be honest I feel completely apathetic - No fucks to be given at all. So yeah, I'll leave you with this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8uLK4hDJC84&feature=BFa&list=PL25E30A7D59AAE90D&lf=plcp
Don't forget to max the volume bitches.
I might have been a bit harsh because I said I wanted to go to bed early and I know that Devin really wants to talk to me, and here I am writing a blog, but to be honest I can't even go to sleep. So instead I'm listening to Infected Mushroom while writing this. Their songs really make me focused, even though they're such hype songs. If I were to be talking to Devin while writing this, then I don't think everything would come out the way I wanted it to.
I was pretty surprised that Devin was surprised that I've been upset. I guess he thinks that since I got over my last bump, which might have been a legit bump significantly made worse within my mind because of too much 'self reflection time' in this mother fucking box. I hate that this is what it has become. My corner was supposed to be somewhere I could escape to play video games and chat to the people I have fun with. But instead, since I don't have much else to do except talk to Devin and play shitty Skyrim, that escape has become the actual cage.
The cage kind of has nothing and everything to do with Devin. Every problem is a 'problem that involves Devin', and it sickens me because none of it is actually Devin's fault. What the fuck happened yesterday and today? Devin went out a lot, Devin was there but not actually there, just doing other things I assume like actually having a life - Unlike fucking PMS as shit girlfriend over here who cries over the stupidest of things and then gets angry and starts punching walls. How attractive is that, eh? If I had a girlfriend like me, I would dump her. Seriously, the way I've been acting lately has been selfish and self-centred, whether Devin knows it or not.
I don't mean to beat myself up about it, and I feel a lecture coming on about how 'I'm not that bad', but really; Should I be getting upset and angry this much? Of course I fucking shouldn't be! Before the relationship, even just before the holidays, everything was so much better. Which means, what the hell am I supposed to do in the summer holidays? This has only been two weeks, so just imagine what I would be like for six weeks. What the fuck would I do for those six weeks? I doubt that I'd be able to maintain a routine as busy as College since I'll end up going to sleep at about eight in the morning and waking up at four in the afternoon, by which time I wouldn't have been able to anything normal within those two or so hours until Devin gets online. I would then be talking to Devin until about eight in the morning again. Then in those sixteen hours, since I'll hardly be doing anything to entertain myself, I'll be sitting there like a twat once again banging my head against the desk - Sound familiar?
I wont punch the wall again... Maybe. It all depends on how I survive tomorrow. I'm not sure if Devin understands, but he wouldn't feel this way just because he goes out with his friends. Screw it all he lives with his best friend. He goes out often, he speaks to others on a regular basis, therefore he actually has a life outside everything else. I follow his time zone, his sleeping schedule. I try to fit my life around his, just because I thought that if I didn't then we wouldn't be spending enough time together. Now apparently it's unhealthy to wait at the desk all day with my face in the laptop acting like a noob while I wait for Devin to get back from whatever the fuck he's doing, and for once I completely agree.
You see the blog posts I publish about how happy I am, and how much this relationship has affected me in such an amazing way. That's how it should always be. There shouldn't be any of these bullshit posts that I've been writing more and more lately, because now I'm just starting to see a gruesome pattern that's only going to get messier.
Now it's time for me to rave to I.M just because I can. I can't really end this post on a happy or angry or upset note, because to be honest I feel completely apathetic - No fucks to be given at all. So yeah, I'll leave you with this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8uLK4hDJC84&feature=BFa&list=PL25E30A7D59AAE90D&lf=plcp
Don't forget to max the volume bitches.
Tuesday, 10 April 2012
Three months ago I made a decision...
There are times where I can get scared about moving to Canada, and at other times I feel like I couldn't wait another day. Sometimes I think that I would be so much more happier, happier than I already am, if I just skipped College and moved to Canada straight away. I don't know where I would stay, and I don't know how I would support myself... But I would be with Devin, and at this very moment it seems like he's the only one I need right now.
Is it good to only want a relationship, feeling fulfilled within yourself with no one else but yourself and another? In the end my Dad had to choose between his job and having a family, so I guess I'm lucky that we both agreed to have children at a later age.
You always see in the movies that love triumphs over career, and it's just a movie of course, but a part of that is true. Could I possibly have a constant acting career, and also an amazing relationship? Does it work like that? It's worth thinking about, because sooner or later something is going to happen and I'll waste time freaking out trying to think of a solution.
But, I do really like Devin. And he's right, it's getting harder and harder to not say those three words. Those three generic and overused words that we have hardly said at all, although it's like we talk about them all the time - At least, I now think about them all the time.
Is it bad to go less than a day without talking to him, only to feel like it's been weeks without any interaction at all? It was only about 5 hours of not talking, and there were even messages through Skype, and I still ended up missing him like crazy. It might have been because I usually distract myself with other things, or maybe it might have been because I could have actually been talking to him. Instead, I was getting frustrated trying to fix Minecraft, and getting even more frustrated at Skyrim. Not to mention that I haven't even got MW3 yet, which was supposed to be an Easter present. I'm not even sure that it's so much because I really really want the game, it's because it's a chance and maybe even an excuse to spend more time talking to Devin. Just like fixing Minecraft. I wanted to fix it, just so I could play with him on the Mutiny server. Maybe not necessarily to be with him all of the time and talk to him all the time, but just to be on the same server.
I think I would do anything to make it seem like I was there with him, making some sort of interaction beyond sending messages. That's why I love speaking to him in a call. That's why I love not speaking to him in a call - we don't need that constant conversation because it would be like normal every day life if we were actually together. Getting on doing what you would normally do, but at the same time knowing that someone is there.
I love it even more when we video chat. That allows more communication and interaction, although it does remind me that we are an ocean apart. A whole ocean. It's amazing how intense and strong our relationship is, even though there is so much distance between the two of us. It seems impossible, and even more so knowing that when I move to Canada, our relationship is going to be even stronger.
By the time Devin reads this, it's going to be our 3 month anniversary. 1/4 of a year already gone by. And as slow as it may be going, I've found that it has also been going really fast in some twisted way. Everything has happened so fast, and it seems that even though we're putting off saying those three words, we're already talking about moving in together and having kids. Devin used to say before: 'It's weird how we talk about things that seem beyond the conversation of those three words.' but I think I understand a bit more now. Sure, the delay of saying those three words is not wanting to take it so fast in the relationship. It was a way to slow things down so that we don't get head-over-heels. However, it was also about the meaning and the effect of those three words. Making it a taboo has only strengthened that meaning, making it seem so much more powerful than anyone else could ever make it.
The word 'love' shouldn't be a term that's lightly said in a relationship. There are different kinds of love, such as: Unconditional love, true love, being in love. Now true love, that is something that should define love in itself. Why should love be untrue, and unworthy? It shouldn't. However, with that word being thrown around so much, no wonder love has to be defined in different categories. Being in love - that is something worth thinking about. It is something that tests the knowledge and understanding of any couple. It's one thing to love someone, but to be in love? A lot of people, teenagers especially, claim to be in love. Their heart is at such a state at that age, constantly flowing from one person to another. They think that everything is perfect, just right, and that they would stay with that other person for the rest of their lives. They create a fantasy.
However, what I think is peculiar, is that I don't know if I'm in love. I think about it, and I question it for a moment. Any other 'perfect' relationship that I've had in the past has consisted of the words 'In love' and 'forever' ... Maybe if you think you are in love, you are not, and if you question it, then...
But I guess that all depends on the individual. Surely we cannot wait for the day to say to one another 'those three words', but to admit that you are in love? Could it possibly mean anything unless it is dismissed as much as, or even more so, than 'I love you'?
We care for one another, we want the best for one another, we only think of others before ourselves and most importantly, we want to be together. Just the two of us. I want what's best for him, and I always make sure that I can do everything in my power to make sure that he doesn't get upset or angry, just like he goes to endless trouble to make sure that I don't get upset or angry. Of course sometimes that doesn't work because I think things and do things that I'm scared that will make him upset or angry, therefore It's like a block because I wont tell him, therefore he can't make sure that I don't feel those negative feelings and end up hurting myself - He might have caught on, but last time I got a nice bruise on my knuckles because I punched the wall a few times. Mark gave me permission... But I'm not that nasty so I guess I gave him no choice but to let me.
So, three months ago I made a decision. I made a decision to make the greatest commitment I'm ever going to have to face. That decision has led on to many different emotions and happenings, and it will lead on into the future, a very distant future to come. I'm going to feel angry, and upset, and jealous and alone. But at the same time, for the majority of the time, I will feel amazing, happy, loved, glad, and I will feel that for once in my life, for the first time ever in a relationship, I have made the right decision. To be with the person I care for most, to feel that I can laugh and prosper and be supported while supporting with my greatest will. But most importantly, just to simply be happy. Happy with him.
Is it good to only want a relationship, feeling fulfilled within yourself with no one else but yourself and another? In the end my Dad had to choose between his job and having a family, so I guess I'm lucky that we both agreed to have children at a later age.
You always see in the movies that love triumphs over career, and it's just a movie of course, but a part of that is true. Could I possibly have a constant acting career, and also an amazing relationship? Does it work like that? It's worth thinking about, because sooner or later something is going to happen and I'll waste time freaking out trying to think of a solution.
But, I do really like Devin. And he's right, it's getting harder and harder to not say those three words. Those three generic and overused words that we have hardly said at all, although it's like we talk about them all the time - At least, I now think about them all the time.
Is it bad to go less than a day without talking to him, only to feel like it's been weeks without any interaction at all? It was only about 5 hours of not talking, and there were even messages through Skype, and I still ended up missing him like crazy. It might have been because I usually distract myself with other things, or maybe it might have been because I could have actually been talking to him. Instead, I was getting frustrated trying to fix Minecraft, and getting even more frustrated at Skyrim. Not to mention that I haven't even got MW3 yet, which was supposed to be an Easter present. I'm not even sure that it's so much because I really really want the game, it's because it's a chance and maybe even an excuse to spend more time talking to Devin. Just like fixing Minecraft. I wanted to fix it, just so I could play with him on the Mutiny server. Maybe not necessarily to be with him all of the time and talk to him all the time, but just to be on the same server.
I think I would do anything to make it seem like I was there with him, making some sort of interaction beyond sending messages. That's why I love speaking to him in a call. That's why I love not speaking to him in a call - we don't need that constant conversation because it would be like normal every day life if we were actually together. Getting on doing what you would normally do, but at the same time knowing that someone is there.
I love it even more when we video chat. That allows more communication and interaction, although it does remind me that we are an ocean apart. A whole ocean. It's amazing how intense and strong our relationship is, even though there is so much distance between the two of us. It seems impossible, and even more so knowing that when I move to Canada, our relationship is going to be even stronger.
By the time Devin reads this, it's going to be our 3 month anniversary. 1/4 of a year already gone by. And as slow as it may be going, I've found that it has also been going really fast in some twisted way. Everything has happened so fast, and it seems that even though we're putting off saying those three words, we're already talking about moving in together and having kids. Devin used to say before: 'It's weird how we talk about things that seem beyond the conversation of those three words.' but I think I understand a bit more now. Sure, the delay of saying those three words is not wanting to take it so fast in the relationship. It was a way to slow things down so that we don't get head-over-heels. However, it was also about the meaning and the effect of those three words. Making it a taboo has only strengthened that meaning, making it seem so much more powerful than anyone else could ever make it.
The word 'love' shouldn't be a term that's lightly said in a relationship. There are different kinds of love, such as: Unconditional love, true love, being in love. Now true love, that is something that should define love in itself. Why should love be untrue, and unworthy? It shouldn't. However, with that word being thrown around so much, no wonder love has to be defined in different categories. Being in love - that is something worth thinking about. It is something that tests the knowledge and understanding of any couple. It's one thing to love someone, but to be in love? A lot of people, teenagers especially, claim to be in love. Their heart is at such a state at that age, constantly flowing from one person to another. They think that everything is perfect, just right, and that they would stay with that other person for the rest of their lives. They create a fantasy.
However, what I think is peculiar, is that I don't know if I'm in love. I think about it, and I question it for a moment. Any other 'perfect' relationship that I've had in the past has consisted of the words 'In love' and 'forever' ... Maybe if you think you are in love, you are not, and if you question it, then...
But I guess that all depends on the individual. Surely we cannot wait for the day to say to one another 'those three words', but to admit that you are in love? Could it possibly mean anything unless it is dismissed as much as, or even more so, than 'I love you'?
We care for one another, we want the best for one another, we only think of others before ourselves and most importantly, we want to be together. Just the two of us. I want what's best for him, and I always make sure that I can do everything in my power to make sure that he doesn't get upset or angry, just like he goes to endless trouble to make sure that I don't get upset or angry. Of course sometimes that doesn't work because I think things and do things that I'm scared that will make him upset or angry, therefore It's like a block because I wont tell him, therefore he can't make sure that I don't feel those negative feelings and end up hurting myself - He might have caught on, but last time I got a nice bruise on my knuckles because I punched the wall a few times. Mark gave me permission... But I'm not that nasty so I guess I gave him no choice but to let me.
So, three months ago I made a decision. I made a decision to make the greatest commitment I'm ever going to have to face. That decision has led on to many different emotions and happenings, and it will lead on into the future, a very distant future to come. I'm going to feel angry, and upset, and jealous and alone. But at the same time, for the majority of the time, I will feel amazing, happy, loved, glad, and I will feel that for once in my life, for the first time ever in a relationship, I have made the right decision. To be with the person I care for most, to feel that I can laugh and prosper and be supported while supporting with my greatest will. But most importantly, just to simply be happy. Happy with him.
Saturday, 7 April 2012
Two Days To Go
I have to say that I feel so much better now that I know that Devin knows about everything that's been on my mind. I always thought that those little things in the back of my mind didn't really matter, but I guess I've learned to pay attention to those thoughts no matter how insignificant they may seem at the time.
I managed to get through the majority of yesterday thanks to Mark. I never realized he could be such a great friend, and such a caring friend too. I've been to him twice now, just to talk to him and ask for a bit of advice and support. I think that we've become closer as friends mainly because I sought to help him even though it seemed like everyone was against him for some reason or other. I'm glad that I could be there for him instead of just thinking of him as a mate to go to when I needed a laugh. Sure he cheers me up with a bit of banter after listening to me rant, but he actually helps. He's not a dick about it all, he doesn't tell me to just suck it up. It's because of Mark that I actually had the guts to talk to Devin about why I was so angry and upset.
The night was great too. I wasn't meant to stay up as late as I did because I was supposed to take Jessy to the park, but she ended up throwing up this morning so I guess I was off the hook. It was very random yesterday, the things I did. I usually just stick to doing one thing a day, but it was a mix between Skyrim, Minecraft (sort of), and porn... I must delete my history at some point.
While I was having a rough time trying to get Minecraft to work, Devin had invited Max and Kevin to the call. Kevin was busy for a while so it just ended up being Devin, Max and I in the call. It was quite mellow actually, and I think it was because of Max's voice to be completely honest x) ... It's sort of really soft and passive, but not a monotone kind of passive - Like Riorach! You can just imagine patting him on the head all like 'Daw'hhhh', or maybe because he's most likey older than me, you can imagine him saying, 'Hey kiddo, how you doing today?' all big brotherly-like. Ahaha!
But yeah, enough of Max's voice (lawl wtf?), I feel amazing today! Devin was reading The Hunger Games to me. He thought that I wasn't listening, but in all honesty I was just sitting there on the chair with my legs crossed, listening to him read to me. It was so nice. I would drift off at random times daydreaming of the two of us together, but other than that I was listening, I swear.
I managed to get through the majority of yesterday thanks to Mark. I never realized he could be such a great friend, and such a caring friend too. I've been to him twice now, just to talk to him and ask for a bit of advice and support. I think that we've become closer as friends mainly because I sought to help him even though it seemed like everyone was against him for some reason or other. I'm glad that I could be there for him instead of just thinking of him as a mate to go to when I needed a laugh. Sure he cheers me up with a bit of banter after listening to me rant, but he actually helps. He's not a dick about it all, he doesn't tell me to just suck it up. It's because of Mark that I actually had the guts to talk to Devin about why I was so angry and upset.
The night was great too. I wasn't meant to stay up as late as I did because I was supposed to take Jessy to the park, but she ended up throwing up this morning so I guess I was off the hook. It was very random yesterday, the things I did. I usually just stick to doing one thing a day, but it was a mix between Skyrim, Minecraft (sort of), and porn... I must delete my history at some point.
While I was having a rough time trying to get Minecraft to work, Devin had invited Max and Kevin to the call. Kevin was busy for a while so it just ended up being Devin, Max and I in the call. It was quite mellow actually, and I think it was because of Max's voice to be completely honest x) ... It's sort of really soft and passive, but not a monotone kind of passive - Like Riorach! You can just imagine patting him on the head all like 'Daw'hhhh', or maybe because he's most likey older than me, you can imagine him saying, 'Hey kiddo, how you doing today?' all big brotherly-like. Ahaha!
But yeah, enough of Max's voice (lawl wtf?), I feel amazing today! Devin was reading The Hunger Games to me. He thought that I wasn't listening, but in all honesty I was just sitting there on the chair with my legs crossed, listening to him read to me. It was so nice. I would drift off at random times daydreaming of the two of us together, but other than that I was listening, I swear.
Thursday, 5 April 2012
Three Days To Go
I feel like shit today. It's not that emotional pain I've been trying to deal with, it's physical pain. I'm actually ill and It's all because of that fucking dinner yesterday. I've been in my bed all day, not necessarily sleeping, either swallowing down the pain or running to the toilet. It's rare for me to get ill and when I do it's rare for me to even give a shit that I'm ill, but I guess that over the last few days I've allowed my system to get so run down that it's been easier for my body to just give up and give in to illness.
In sending a message to Mariah, I received one back today. I tried to make it as friendly as possible because I want to make sure that I don't cause any shit or make her feel guilty for what she did - Or rather, how her actions made me feel.
I don't want to feel angry anymore. Even at this moment when I may seem calm and fragile, I can feel the anger boiling up and I'm just about ready to punch something. This is no ones fault, not even my own. There just happened to be a chain of events that were so cose together that they ended up overlapping, and that's just caused me to become oblivious to the root of my problem... However, I think I know why I don't want this happening. The overlay of repression that hides the anger, the reason for this.
I don't want to lose him, ever. I know that in the past, anyone I've ever loved and cared for has been pushed away because of the actions I take and because of the stupid things I say. I've cried enough times in fear of losing him, pushing him away, drowning him with my over-emotional over-dramatic shitload that I let build up. In all sincerity, I don't want to be alone again, and the way this is going I think I'm just going to end up wanting Devin more and more. I didn't want to get so emotionally involved this time, just to save the hurt all over again, and each time I say it's worth it but it never is. It all seems so perfect at the beginning, but then suddenly everything gets ripped away... I'm almost certain that Devin isn't like anyone else I've ever cared for, and that's why I'm letting him make me cry, and I'm letting him make me angry.
He's always said to me that he never wants to make me upset or unhappy, but the truth is that he's made me cry more times than I can remember. Most of those times he probably couldn't prevent because sometimes things come out the way you didn't mean them to. There are times where I think to myself that I've been both extremes of the spectrum in our relationship - Both ecstatic, and furious with rage and tears. Between the start of College and the beginning of our relationship, I was totally neutral and always content, and now I've gone back to this emotional rollercoaster that I've always hated being on.
I don't want to end up saying something I regret just because Devin just so happened to be involved in those actions at the time. Who's fault is it that that happened? I can't think of a suitable reason to blame anyone, so I can't see any blame coming out of this.
And about Loren... Saying it in the most humane way possible... What if you wanted to give all of your life and love to someone, knowing that there is a possibility that you're going to spend your future with them, knowing that they don't belong to you. Knowing that, even though they've said that they want you and need you and would do anything for you, half of their love still belongs some place else.
This feels like Emma all over again. Giving everything to her but not getting anything back that equals my giving. Sure, Devin gives so much, but I don't mean it like that. I don't know whether he'll say that's true or not, but I know it is.
Putting all of that aside, it's not like I want him to stop talking about her. When he's upset about his loss, I want him to know that he can talk to me about it. I want to be able to make him feel better, for me to reassure him that it's okay when he makes those stupid mistakes like he did a few nights ago. An example of me backing this up would be when I was concerned about Devin smoking weed. One night I couldn't even tell that he was high. He is the same person before as he is after - It should be the same with this situation. He's mentioned her so many times before, and even though he knows now about how I feel now, my reaction to him bringing her up is going to be the exact same as it was before. When he knows this, I'm not going to lash out or cry whenever he mentions Loren, I'm going to be the same supporting and loving girlfriend that I've always tried to be whenever the subject comes up. Trust me, I'm not completely heartless.
I think, all in all, this is just another milestone to get over. I can see us coming through the other side on this one, mainly because I know that he knows now. Four days may not seem that long to be holding anger in, but if you think about it, the anger with the Mariah situation had been building up ever since he told me what happened, and the situation with Loren has been building up ever since he told me that he still loves her which was quite a while ago now.
I'm sorry if any of this has hurt you Devin, but if I didn't get it out then I'm sure that it would have led to something much worse somewhere down the line. I wont delete the draft post I have just before this one, just so you know the other side of this, the side that is much less at ease, and much less calm. After I've completely got this out of my system, you probably wont even have to deal with this for another year or so. Lucky for you my emotional period only comes twice a year at maximum, so there wont be any monthly bullshit that you would get from a normal girl. I guess that's why you like me, huh? I'm such a normal girl :)
In sending a message to Mariah, I received one back today. I tried to make it as friendly as possible because I want to make sure that I don't cause any shit or make her feel guilty for what she did - Or rather, how her actions made me feel.
I don't want to feel angry anymore. Even at this moment when I may seem calm and fragile, I can feel the anger boiling up and I'm just about ready to punch something. This is no ones fault, not even my own. There just happened to be a chain of events that were so cose together that they ended up overlapping, and that's just caused me to become oblivious to the root of my problem... However, I think I know why I don't want this happening. The overlay of repression that hides the anger, the reason for this.
I don't want to lose him, ever. I know that in the past, anyone I've ever loved and cared for has been pushed away because of the actions I take and because of the stupid things I say. I've cried enough times in fear of losing him, pushing him away, drowning him with my over-emotional over-dramatic shitload that I let build up. In all sincerity, I don't want to be alone again, and the way this is going I think I'm just going to end up wanting Devin more and more. I didn't want to get so emotionally involved this time, just to save the hurt all over again, and each time I say it's worth it but it never is. It all seems so perfect at the beginning, but then suddenly everything gets ripped away... I'm almost certain that Devin isn't like anyone else I've ever cared for, and that's why I'm letting him make me cry, and I'm letting him make me angry.
He's always said to me that he never wants to make me upset or unhappy, but the truth is that he's made me cry more times than I can remember. Most of those times he probably couldn't prevent because sometimes things come out the way you didn't mean them to. There are times where I think to myself that I've been both extremes of the spectrum in our relationship - Both ecstatic, and furious with rage and tears. Between the start of College and the beginning of our relationship, I was totally neutral and always content, and now I've gone back to this emotional rollercoaster that I've always hated being on.
I don't want to end up saying something I regret just because Devin just so happened to be involved in those actions at the time. Who's fault is it that that happened? I can't think of a suitable reason to blame anyone, so I can't see any blame coming out of this.
And about Loren... Saying it in the most humane way possible... What if you wanted to give all of your life and love to someone, knowing that there is a possibility that you're going to spend your future with them, knowing that they don't belong to you. Knowing that, even though they've said that they want you and need you and would do anything for you, half of their love still belongs some place else.
This feels like Emma all over again. Giving everything to her but not getting anything back that equals my giving. Sure, Devin gives so much, but I don't mean it like that. I don't know whether he'll say that's true or not, but I know it is.
Putting all of that aside, it's not like I want him to stop talking about her. When he's upset about his loss, I want him to know that he can talk to me about it. I want to be able to make him feel better, for me to reassure him that it's okay when he makes those stupid mistakes like he did a few nights ago. An example of me backing this up would be when I was concerned about Devin smoking weed. One night I couldn't even tell that he was high. He is the same person before as he is after - It should be the same with this situation. He's mentioned her so many times before, and even though he knows now about how I feel now, my reaction to him bringing her up is going to be the exact same as it was before. When he knows this, I'm not going to lash out or cry whenever he mentions Loren, I'm going to be the same supporting and loving girlfriend that I've always tried to be whenever the subject comes up. Trust me, I'm not completely heartless.
I think, all in all, this is just another milestone to get over. I can see us coming through the other side on this one, mainly because I know that he knows now. Four days may not seem that long to be holding anger in, but if you think about it, the anger with the Mariah situation had been building up ever since he told me what happened, and the situation with Loren has been building up ever since he told me that he still loves her which was quite a while ago now.
I'm sorry if any of this has hurt you Devin, but if I didn't get it out then I'm sure that it would have led to something much worse somewhere down the line. I wont delete the draft post I have just before this one, just so you know the other side of this, the side that is much less at ease, and much less calm. After I've completely got this out of my system, you probably wont even have to deal with this for another year or so. Lucky for you my emotional period only comes twice a year at maximum, so there wont be any monthly bullshit that you would get from a normal girl. I guess that's why you like me, huh? I'm such a normal girl :)
Wednesday, 28 March 2012
Holidays are overrated
This week has been pretty good since the weather has been amazing. It has been sunny all week with hardly any clouds, so it hasn't even been that windy - Still haven't caught much of a tan yet. Sometimes when it's too hot I blame Mark because he said that the hurricane from America is going to throw off our weather system, therefore we should be having shit weather. But apparently that's bullshit since all we've had are hot days and a lot of ice-cream from the ice-cream van at the Sixth Form College.
It was funny because last week Anya and I were walking around the Colleges (There are three Colleges next to each other) outside because it was quite warm, and we suddenly saw an ice-cream van. We literally freaked out and I was so glad that I had money. So then we kind of rushed back to the canteen, grabbed our money, grabbed Mark, and went to go get ice-cream. All duh people were all kinds of jealous when we came back with them and teased everyone. Anya went nuts from a sugar rush and we all started singing 'In the jungle' in a three-part shouting/singing sing-song that caused annoyance and lols.
As this week is review week, so we don't have to do much work in College. All that is required to do is show up for sessions and/or chill out outside if we don't need to do work/assessments/ILP's. That is what we basically did today, although I wish that my legs weren't aching so much from Monday's dance workshop with a well-known dance group. I also did my singing assessment today which required me to sing a song and then perform a call-and-response exercise. I think I did pretty well considering I was pretty nervous beforehand, but once I got in the room and I stood in front of the camera and mic, most of my nerves just went away. I think another reason why my nerves went away was because I was thinking of Devin. Even when I was outside waiting, leg bouncing up and down from excitement and nerves, all I had to do was think of Devin and I calmed down.
It was weird because when I showed my song to the whole group, I didn't 'perform'. I just stood there and sang. But when it came to the actual performance, I actually put quite a lot of emotion into it and actually performed it. I think that when I showed it to the class, it was like, "oh I'm going to get up and do this and it wont have any significance and impact on what I do in the performance because I'm - just - there." (Straight-Face ._.) But then I'm up and singing at the assessment, and the performance actually has purpose, so every emotion and attempt to put the meaning of the song across just comes flooding out.
The term has gone by pretty fast I think. One minute we're starting the read-through of our play, and the next we're at the Easter holidays. That reminds me - Jacob, Anya and I were in the IT room at the end of the day ready to go home and we were taking the piss out of Anya because she has small boobs, so I was saying in an Asian accent, 'Mebbe you should take duh Viagra liek duh man for duh penis' ... Jacob said that wouldn't work, so I said, 'Mebbe you should put duh weed in duh bra to make duh tittehs look bigguh'. Then on the way home as Anya and I were walking to the dentist (she had to have her teeth checked because she had chipped a bit of one), Anya said that she wanted to try weed. We then had a good ol' discussion about it, and now she might be able to get her brother to make hash brownies (since neither of us smoke) so she can bring them into College after the holidays... Yeah, exciting stuff.
I don't think it'll have that much of an affect since it's not like actually smoking it or whatever, but I guess it'll be fun. I'll save a bit until I get home though so I can have it during the night. If this does happen, and I'm guessing it will since Anya's mum is cool with it since she used to do it, then I guess my 'first time' of having weed wont be with Devin... But it will kind of, because I'll be talking to him during the night. I'm not coming across as too 'OMG I'M GUNNA HAVE WEED WTF' because I'll sound like a bit of a hypocritical twat since I wasn't too sure of what to think half the time when Devin was high, even though I'm sound with it now, but there's no point in freaking out like a little high school bitch just because I'm going to have fucking hash brownies x) ... Howevaaa, I am definitely looking forward to it. :D AWHWHAA!!! ...
So, over the holidays I will probably be doing fuck all. I'll try not to do fuck all though... Mark said that we should just spend many long and painful hours of JUST doing College work next Monday without distraction or Facebook. For me it'll be more of a task trying to keep Devin under control. He's fine when he's not horny, and he can sometimes be a bit of a distraction when he's high, but I shall keep him... Tame.
The next two weeks are mostly going to contain sleepless nights of Minecraft, Skyrim, dual masturbation, failing to tan, and lols... Mostly lols. Yeauughhh.
It was funny because last week Anya and I were walking around the Colleges (There are three Colleges next to each other) outside because it was quite warm, and we suddenly saw an ice-cream van. We literally freaked out and I was so glad that I had money. So then we kind of rushed back to the canteen, grabbed our money, grabbed Mark, and went to go get ice-cream. All duh people were all kinds of jealous when we came back with them and teased everyone. Anya went nuts from a sugar rush and we all started singing 'In the jungle' in a three-part shouting/singing sing-song that caused annoyance and lols.
As this week is review week, so we don't have to do much work in College. All that is required to do is show up for sessions and/or chill out outside if we don't need to do work/assessments/ILP's. That is what we basically did today, although I wish that my legs weren't aching so much from Monday's dance workshop with a well-known dance group. I also did my singing assessment today which required me to sing a song and then perform a call-and-response exercise. I think I did pretty well considering I was pretty nervous beforehand, but once I got in the room and I stood in front of the camera and mic, most of my nerves just went away. I think another reason why my nerves went away was because I was thinking of Devin. Even when I was outside waiting, leg bouncing up and down from excitement and nerves, all I had to do was think of Devin and I calmed down.
It was weird because when I showed my song to the whole group, I didn't 'perform'. I just stood there and sang. But when it came to the actual performance, I actually put quite a lot of emotion into it and actually performed it. I think that when I showed it to the class, it was like, "oh I'm going to get up and do this and it wont have any significance and impact on what I do in the performance because I'm - just - there." (Straight-Face ._.) But then I'm up and singing at the assessment, and the performance actually has purpose, so every emotion and attempt to put the meaning of the song across just comes flooding out.
The term has gone by pretty fast I think. One minute we're starting the read-through of our play, and the next we're at the Easter holidays. That reminds me - Jacob, Anya and I were in the IT room at the end of the day ready to go home and we were taking the piss out of Anya because she has small boobs, so I was saying in an Asian accent, 'Mebbe you should take duh Viagra liek duh man for duh penis' ... Jacob said that wouldn't work, so I said, 'Mebbe you should put duh weed in duh bra to make duh tittehs look bigguh'. Then on the way home as Anya and I were walking to the dentist (she had to have her teeth checked because she had chipped a bit of one), Anya said that she wanted to try weed. We then had a good ol' discussion about it, and now she might be able to get her brother to make hash brownies (since neither of us smoke) so she can bring them into College after the holidays... Yeah, exciting stuff.
I don't think it'll have that much of an affect since it's not like actually smoking it or whatever, but I guess it'll be fun. I'll save a bit until I get home though so I can have it during the night. If this does happen, and I'm guessing it will since Anya's mum is cool with it since she used to do it, then I guess my 'first time' of having weed wont be with Devin... But it will kind of, because I'll be talking to him during the night. I'm not coming across as too 'OMG I'M GUNNA HAVE WEED WTF' because I'll sound like a bit of a hypocritical twat since I wasn't too sure of what to think half the time when Devin was high, even though I'm sound with it now, but there's no point in freaking out like a little high school bitch just because I'm going to have fucking hash brownies x) ... Howevaaa, I am definitely looking forward to it. :D AWHWHAA!!! ...
So, over the holidays I will probably be doing fuck all. I'll try not to do fuck all though... Mark said that we should just spend many long and painful hours of JUST doing College work next Monday without distraction or Facebook. For me it'll be more of a task trying to keep Devin under control. He's fine when he's not horny, and he can sometimes be a bit of a distraction when he's high, but I shall keep him... Tame.
The next two weeks are mostly going to contain sleepless nights of Minecraft, Skyrim, dual masturbation, failing to tan, and lols... Mostly lols. Yeauughhh.
Sunday, 25 March 2012
Nothing much to blog about, but it has purpose.
I've been really happy for the last week or so. Like, ecstatically happy. It might be because it's really sunny and warm, and it's just the time of the year where you can be happy for no reason at all and not even give a toss about the reason why, but I'm glad that I can be so happy without motive.
There is slight motive since I tend to get really happy when I think about Devin. I've been having some really uncomfortable dreams lately about things that aren't even crossing my mind during the day, and thoughts of Devin just make me get really hyper and energetic. That doesn't count when I'm not speaking to him because I can get all sorts of happy when we're talking... But yeah.
Happy days.
Sunshine.
Bees.
HONEY! (nom)
Shortest blog ever.
Going to be an amazing Summer...
Mwah!! :3 xxx <3
There is slight motive since I tend to get really happy when I think about Devin. I've been having some really uncomfortable dreams lately about things that aren't even crossing my mind during the day, and thoughts of Devin just make me get really hyper and energetic. That doesn't count when I'm not speaking to him because I can get all sorts of happy when we're talking... But yeah.
Happy days.
Sunshine.
Bees.
HONEY! (nom)
Shortest blog ever.
Going to be an amazing Summer...
Mwah!! :3 xxx <3
Sunday, 18 March 2012
Turtle-Head... (awkward face)
I know it'll be at least a year minimum until I actually have to think about this, but I'm actually worried about moving out and moving to Canada. I've only been thinking about it for the last few days, but it's been on my mind quite alot and I don't really know how to resolve this just because I've never been in this position before. I've never been in this state of mind where I've actually thought about moving out seriously.
Yeah there might have been a time when Emma, Mel, Grace and I were talking about getting an apartment together in London after College, but I've finally learned that that's never going to happen, not even if I still really wanted it to... I'm not going to talk about Emma anymore, just because of the fact that it makes me feel like crap. A tonne of memories just came flooding back of how I used to daydream about us two being in the apartment together and cuddling just like a real couple. It was never going to happen or carry on the way it used to, and I need to get over it... Fully. It's childish to hang over a 'break-up' or 'separation' that was my choice, and it was my fault to begin with because I was the one that fell for her.
Going back to the main subject - I'm worried about moving to Canada (If I do move to Canada). What kind of job opportunities are there for my line of work? Will it be as good as London? Will I get the chance to go to University or Drama school if I wanted to? I mean, here I am rushing into the whole wonderland of a relationship and a 'happy couple' scenario when all my life has ever revolved around is: work, career, aspiration, education, and success. Nothing has ever gone right for me in relationships in the past, and that's why I gave up on it all. I'm not saying that Devin and I wont work out, it's just that the possibility that it will work out leaves me wondering what to do next. What is the next step towards work, career, and success?
I'm probably freaking out over nothing, but I guess it's just because I don't know anything about those job opportunities in Canada, and I wouldn't know where to go to look for those opportunities.
I'm not ususally like this when it comes to 'the future', but I guess I plan far ahead and then sometimes things come up that throw off the whole system so my brain starts to leak and I start to think that it's the end of the world because I don't know what to do. Well, I do know what to do. I have to ask my tutors at College about what I should do, how I should do it. Where to go and what to do, and where to go from here. The whole family is pretty much on a big downer at the moment, and it's starting to rub off on me even though I don't spend much time with them. But I don't like being upset anymore because there's no need to be.
So yeah, that's my little freak out over... I fear of asking my Mum what I should do because she'll probably just say that I shouldn't move to Canada when I know I want to, so I can be with Devin.
Sometimes I can talk about shit like this and I'm not further affected afterwards, but tonight I just don't feel too good. Maybe it's stuff that's happened with the family, then there's College work that I need to do, as well as missing Devin way too much for my own good. Then I'm just getting myself even more bogged down by thinking about stuff that doesn't even need to be thought about, like: not knowing what to do when I move, and thinking about Emma when I don't even need to. You know those times where you get yourself so wound up that you need to cry, even though you know it's stupid because there's nothing to cry about? That's how I feel right now. It's useless being pitied on because there's nothing to pity me for, and all I'll end up doing is crying anyway which isn't going to make my frame of mind any better.
...
Whenever I get upset about something and don't cry, I just end up getting really angry at myself or possibly take it out on someone else - but I'm not that much of a bitch to take it out on anyone else anymore. I'll probably delete the paragraphs I just wrote just so I seem a little bit sane. If I was actually handwriting this, there would be capitals and angry scrawls, rips in the paper and everythang.
... I should probably sleep since I've just given myself a headache... Yeah, that probably wont happen.
I really miss you Devin,
even though I'm talking to you right now.
I still miss you just as much,
and I wish that we could talk more.
I know we can't,
but I'll try not to sleep so much,
just so we can still be in the call together,
and I can feel like I'm there with you.
I miss you.
Yeah there might have been a time when Emma, Mel, Grace and I were talking about getting an apartment together in London after College, but I've finally learned that that's never going to happen, not even if I still really wanted it to... I'm not going to talk about Emma anymore, just because of the fact that it makes me feel like crap. A tonne of memories just came flooding back of how I used to daydream about us two being in the apartment together and cuddling just like a real couple. It was never going to happen or carry on the way it used to, and I need to get over it... Fully. It's childish to hang over a 'break-up' or 'separation' that was my choice, and it was my fault to begin with because I was the one that fell for her.
Going back to the main subject - I'm worried about moving to Canada (If I do move to Canada). What kind of job opportunities are there for my line of work? Will it be as good as London? Will I get the chance to go to University or Drama school if I wanted to? I mean, here I am rushing into the whole wonderland of a relationship and a 'happy couple' scenario when all my life has ever revolved around is: work, career, aspiration, education, and success. Nothing has ever gone right for me in relationships in the past, and that's why I gave up on it all. I'm not saying that Devin and I wont work out, it's just that the possibility that it will work out leaves me wondering what to do next. What is the next step towards work, career, and success?
I'm probably freaking out over nothing, but I guess it's just because I don't know anything about those job opportunities in Canada, and I wouldn't know where to go to look for those opportunities.
I'm not ususally like this when it comes to 'the future', but I guess I plan far ahead and then sometimes things come up that throw off the whole system so my brain starts to leak and I start to think that it's the end of the world because I don't know what to do. Well, I do know what to do. I have to ask my tutors at College about what I should do, how I should do it. Where to go and what to do, and where to go from here. The whole family is pretty much on a big downer at the moment, and it's starting to rub off on me even though I don't spend much time with them. But I don't like being upset anymore because there's no need to be.
So yeah, that's my little freak out over... I fear of asking my Mum what I should do because she'll probably just say that I shouldn't move to Canada when I know I want to, so I can be with Devin.
Sometimes I can talk about shit like this and I'm not further affected afterwards, but tonight I just don't feel too good. Maybe it's stuff that's happened with the family, then there's College work that I need to do, as well as missing Devin way too much for my own good. Then I'm just getting myself even more bogged down by thinking about stuff that doesn't even need to be thought about, like: not knowing what to do when I move, and thinking about Emma when I don't even need to. You know those times where you get yourself so wound up that you need to cry, even though you know it's stupid because there's nothing to cry about? That's how I feel right now. It's useless being pitied on because there's nothing to pity me for, and all I'll end up doing is crying anyway which isn't going to make my frame of mind any better.
...
Whenever I get upset about something and don't cry, I just end up getting really angry at myself or possibly take it out on someone else - but I'm not that much of a bitch to take it out on anyone else anymore. I'll probably delete the paragraphs I just wrote just so I seem a little bit sane. If I was actually handwriting this, there would be capitals and angry scrawls, rips in the paper and everythang.
... I should probably sleep since I've just given myself a headache... Yeah, that probably wont happen.
I really miss you Devin,
even though I'm talking to you right now.
I still miss you just as much,
and I wish that we could talk more.
I know we can't,
but I'll try not to sleep so much,
just so we can still be in the call together,
and I can feel like I'm there with you.
I miss you.
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