Last night was... Horrible. Yesterday was just one prolonged moment of nothing, but it doesn't compare to how I feel today - The aftermath of the event. Just simply, silence. There's nothing to feel today, maybe I should be feeling something but I don't want anymore thoughts entering my mind about yesterday or the day before, just the past in general. I'm trying my hardest not to feel anything today because all that will come out of it will just be anger and tears. So just nothing sounds like the best plan.
Can't eat today. Of course I have eaten, otherwise my stomach would feel like hell, I just haven't been bothered with eating. A banana and a piece of last nights pizza will suffice until dinner. I was scared this morning, an inward emotion that was caused by the fact that I didn't feel anything. I couldn't feel anything. I remember that emotion. I remember that apathetic stare, feeling no energy to do anything and trying to do something, but I can't. So much emotion from the night before that you feel like you're empty. I'm just glad that I've experienced enough to know that everything will be okay. Everything will work out. Just don't think for now, just do, and all of that will come later.
Last night was painful. All day I was just thinking so much, trying to figure out what to do. Every second was filled with doubt and confusion, trying to distract myself from emotion. So many things had gone wrong, and just like always it was my fault. It has always been my fault in the past, and if it weren't for the things in Devin that make him so perfect, then what I did might have ruined everything.
I really did want to say to him that I loved him back. He was trying to make me feel better, and it was working, I really was starting to feel better about what I did. But then he told me that he loved me, and all of a sudden I couldn't breathe. All of a sudden everything became a blur, and I don't know why.
I got up from the desk and leaned against my bed, half crying and half stifling to breathe. I know that feeling, I know that pain from the past. I sat on the bed, curling up as I shook, trying to call to Devin from the bed, but I just couldn't speak. It came out in a gasp rather than a voice. I couldn't breathe, and he was the only one I wanted.
It started to get better, I could cry without feeling like a vacuum had sucked all of the air out of me, constantly feeling like I was empty but nothing could get in. He had hung up and was calling me again, so I went over to the desk and answered it. I couldn't speak, and it was getting harder to breathe again. I was trying so hard to tell him that I couldn't breathe, but even then he couldn't hear me. I tried to calm down again, it wasn't so much of a task to cry, and eventually I could tell him.
Even though I was calmer and I could talk, I was shaking. I remember that too, I remember the feeling of shaking uncontrollably, feeling like I was freezing to death. He continued to talk to me, and I was shaking less. He was trying to talk to me, but I just felt so dizzy. My head felt numb and I felt like I could hardly stay awake. I told him that I needed to go lie down, but all I can remember is that he just kept talking, and eventually I just said that I needed to go, that I needed to rest. All of that energy was just being sucked out of me, all of that energy that suddenly came to me as that panic took over, had disappeared just as fast as it came.
I got up, trying to focus, and he started to cry. He was crying. I can't remember what he said but he was calling my name, and I tried to answer, I wanted to call to him, to tell him that it was going to be okay, but I couldn't. Nothing came out, and just as I felt I was about to, he hung up. No word from me. That must have felt so painful for him. He was upset, and he was crying, and I couldn't even find the voice to tell him that it was going to be okay, that we were going to be okay.
It took a while to get to sleep, just because I started to cry as well, but I eventually fell asleep. I woke up a few times, but I just felt exhausted and ended up falling asleep again. Even when I did decide to wake up to talk to Devin, I was still just as tired. I felt so empty, I felt like he missed everything. I felt that, even though he had posted on my wall and messaged me so much as I was sleeping, he wanted to throw everything aside. I needed to talk to him about what he had posted, but I knew that it would be better if he brought it up before I did. So I just sat there in silence mostly, waiting for him to bring it up.
I watched Dexter for a while until my laptop crashed. It doesn't even take a few minutes for reboot, but when I did reboot Devin wasn't online. He might have crashed too. But I didn't have the patience or the will to wait, so I just left a message saying that I'm going back to sleep, that it felt like he was too busy to talk.
I woke up and there were more messages, but only a few. It sounded like he was feeling better anyway, so I didn't want to dampen his spirit just because I was too exhausted to strike a conversation, and he was busy talking to others to start a conversation either. I was being too stubborn, and sometimes wouldn't even answer him because all I wanted to talk about was that post.
And now I'm here, feeling nothing, and thinking nothing. I'm not even sure if any of this would make sense because it has just been a thoughtless rambling that I need to get out, that I know wont come out all at once if I were to talk to Devin about it. I've had a couple of panic attacks before, and I know that they've been caused by unexpected events; So why couldn't I control myself last night? The worst thing is that I know that I'll have to go through this all over again in December, and next time I'll have to make a decision. Will it be as difficult as this? Will it be even more difficult?
Devin may have triggered whatever happened to me last night, but he wasn't the main cause of it. Others may be able to say, 'Well if you wouldn't have met him, you wouldn't be in this situation', and 'If you break up with him, you still have what you had all along. You'll still get what you wanted.'
It's not that simple. It's not that simple to just break up with him, to just forget him, to wish that I had never met him. I love him, and I care for him, and I want what's best for him just as much as I want what's best for me. That's what's holding me back from breaking up with him and forgetting about him. I want him to feel safe, and happy, and reassured that he can have an amazing future because I'll be there with him and for him, urging him on into the right direction. I'm so torn because everyone is telling me to follow my own path, the path that I originally set for myself. But I made that decision to stray from that path nearly 4 months ago, that was my decision. Now I have a choice to go back to my original path, to follow that straight road to what I've always wanted.
But now things are different. I can't do that now, and my conscience will never let me do that, because if I do then Devin's path will return to how it used to be. The only risk I am taking by not going back is that the road I take will be unpredictable. But that's what life is all about. Taking those risks. If I go back now then I run the risk of losing someone that I want to be beside. I want to be with Devin, and I want to love him and care for him, and to make him happy all of the time. Being happy is what he deserves; so why can't anyone else see that? Why can't they see that his new path is at stake a thousand times more than my original path will ever be if I choose to go back?
Why would I ever throw away something that means so much to me, that would cause me to change my mind about something so important in my life. If Devin is significant enough to make me change my entire future, then why can't anyone else understand that he should be the one to stay. He should be the thing that matters most. He should be the primary concern. He shouldn't be judged, and no one should carry that first impression of him that he isn't good for me because we have never made any physical contact. Why should that stop me from loving him? Why should that stop me from choosing him?
I have loved before, I have cared before, but I have never put my career on hold for anyone, not even those that I have cried over. I have never been in that situation where I was tearing my hair out because I couldn't choose between a career and a long-lasting relationship.
What's more is that he loves me, and he cares for me. He wants what's best for me, and even though he has been torn up about the chance that there's a possibility that he'll lose me, he can still accept that I might not choose him. Even though there might not be a chance that we will spend the rest of our days together, he still supports me in my decision, and every decision that I make, no matter how many times I've changed my mind.
I honestly do not know what I want more, but I do know that everything has been put on hold for him, and I know that in my mind that I will be happier if I don't erase him from my life. Fuck what Mark says, that he thinks that I'm only torn between Devin and acting because I can only hear what Devin says. This is my own decision, and nothing that Devin has ever said has influenced that.
If everything fucks up in the future, then I can accept that it will be my fault, that I might have wasted a few years of my life. But isn't it best to waste a few years than to have lost some, because that is what I'll end up doing if I don't choose Devin. Years of love and passion and want will be lost and buried because I didn't take that chance, and I didn't take that risk. What's the matter with taking risks? Life isn't perfect, and my own childhood established that, in a bad way. Why can't I take the good risks, the life-fulfilling risks that will at least make life more interesting and unpredictable? Why is everyone so against that?
Life shouldn't be served on a plate, it shouldn't be foretold or planned. It shouldn't go with absolute precision to the tiniest detail; So why is everyone so concerned? I've been through serious relationships before, and I know that they can end just as fast as they started, I'm fully aware of that. Just let me make that mistake again, the mistake of putting emotion before knowledge, because you never know that it might be the best decision I've ever made.
Saturday, 28 April 2012
Sunday, 22 April 2012
Minight Posts
I feel a tad... Lonely. Not solemn, or upset, just lonely. It's not a bad thing, it just feels different. It almost feels foreign, like a new emotion I've come across, or maybe it's just something that I haven't felt in a very long time. It's weird. I want to say that I don't mind it, but it's not something that I am enjoying either.
I guess I'm just too used to having Devin around at nights, and whenever he's not I know that Jessie is always in the room. But I guess I have my own room now, and it feels kind of empty.
I was also thinking about what he said, that I should call him if something bad happened, like if I had a panic attack. I guess I just laughed at that because I knew that nothing like that could ever happen, but I guess that since he might have to stay out overnight and the Internet at Alex's is possibly down, we might not get to talk. Therefore, I suppose contact by mobile would be the last option.
I'm not really in the mood to talk about what I could have possibly made a post about because that would just bring up a lot of shit from the past - I try to make a habit of forgetting past occurrences that may have damaged my whole life if I didn't have sense enough to stop everything myself.
So yeah... I feel alright, just weird. It's nothing to mope about, just a mere observation.
Also, last night was amazing.
And...
Tomatoes.
I guess I'm just too used to having Devin around at nights, and whenever he's not I know that Jessie is always in the room. But I guess I have my own room now, and it feels kind of empty.
I was also thinking about what he said, that I should call him if something bad happened, like if I had a panic attack. I guess I just laughed at that because I knew that nothing like that could ever happen, but I guess that since he might have to stay out overnight and the Internet at Alex's is possibly down, we might not get to talk. Therefore, I suppose contact by mobile would be the last option.
I'm not really in the mood to talk about what I could have possibly made a post about because that would just bring up a lot of shit from the past - I try to make a habit of forgetting past occurrences that may have damaged my whole life if I didn't have sense enough to stop everything myself.
So yeah... I feel alright, just weird. It's nothing to mope about, just a mere observation.
Also, last night was amazing.
And...
Tomatoes.
Monday, 16 April 2012
College Tomorrow!
Ish feelun gut today ^o^
I may or may not feel like a noob for yesterdays post, but I guess many fucks proceed to not be given. This is good in my point of view, because I like it when no fucks are given since there are so much more lols then. I'm wearing my jeans today just so I can stretch them out tomorrow. The size I have now are too small, but because I've been losing weight, the size just above is too big. Typical. But I'm not planning on gaining weight any time soon so it's safer to go with the smaller size and get a belt later if I need to.
I've never really been too keen to talk about my weight. I've never been absolutely ashamed, just sort of disappointed because I let myself gain weight. I don't think I've ever talked about my weight ever, only a few times with my mum because of 'diet plans' and just general stuff. I don't think Devin knew until recently, and I'm not even sure if he knows now, but I'm not the skinniest girl. I think I'm just above average if I were to talk about 'weight scale'; that means yes, I do have to lose some pounds in order to be a 'healthy weight'.
I think I've been at my most self conscious in years, and that's mainly because I didn't want to disappoint Devin. Maybe the word disappoint is a bit too strong, but I was a tad wary to say the least. I've even said to him that I need to lose a bit of weight, and he denied it, so I made the point of saying that he hasn't actually seen my body. I've always thought that when he will see my body, I want him to see a fit and healthy young woman who looks after her body and takes pride in it - At the moment, I most definitely don't take much care of it.
I used to be bullied for my weight, and my mum always blame herself because she used to work all the time and so she didn't spend enough time to monitor what I was eating, unlike my dad who couldn't give two fucks how much I ate because we had a lot of money at the time. Therefore, I was extremely overweight at the age of 6. I do remember losing that weight pretty fast when my mum started to pay more attention to my eating habits, but I guess ever since then I've been very self conscious about my body and continued to put on weight and lose it. I mainly remember putting on weight when I was under a lot of stress, so you can imagine that I put on a good unwanted chunk during the last year and a half of high school just because it was a bunch of ballsacks to say the least.
With much happainess that proceeds to be nyan'ed my way, I've managed to lose that that weight I put on during that year and a half in the last year. Heck, it hasn't even been a year yet and I've lost more than I put on during that year and a half, which makes me feel amazing. However, since I'm not doing dance anymore in College, it's harder to lose more weight. To be honest, I've only got about 20kg to lose until I'm 'average', but I'm not going to stop losing at that point unless I'm satisfied with how I look. Trust me, I'm not into that anorexic size 0 cringefest, and I'm more into the toned up buff look, so it's going to be about plenty of exercise and an decent amount of food.
Who knows, maybe Devin and I could do it together! :D It would be another thing that we could do, another form of 'looking after eachother'. Aren't I just so intent on finding more reasons for us to talk. Hee hee :3
I was thinking that maybe the reason why I get just a tad bit angsty when talking to Devin late at night is because I'm not actually doing anything with him. Skyrim isn't exactly a multiplayer game, therefore I can't play that with him properly. I haven't got MW3 yet, so there's no bondage going on there. My Minecraft also seems ForeverFucked, so there's no playing that for quite a while. So, what else is there... ? Well, fuck all really. Our conversations go solidly solo, and I don't have much of a problem with that, but in my opinion I would rather be doing shit with him like a gamer couple should be instead of talking to him every so often where it's all lovey dovey mooshy bird shit stuff. Lets put it this way:
I am a girl who is not necessarily completely girl, so all this girly stuff is so new to me. I don't really understand the components of a 'real' relationship, therefore I need a guy who wants to do guy stuff with me, instead of guy/girl stuff with me, all of duh time. So really, it would be amazing if it was more of a bromance with (if you like) gay... stuff? I don't even fucking know, I'm just talking complete bullshit right now (trolol).
To put it simply, I enjoy the company of others SO much more if I'm fucking around with them all of the time. Devin and I used to do that quite a lot, and that's what I adore about him, his ability to treat me like a best friend with the benefits of all that mooshy bird shit stuff. But I guess there has been less of that lately, therefore I feel like, in a sense, that I'm being treated like any other girlfriend, or even that I'm being treated like a girl.
I've never liked being treated like a girl, which is probably why I preferred being good mates with guys and hanging out with them as 'one of them', because whenever I would get so close to a guy that it was almost like we could be in a relationship, I would push them away because that's not what I wanted. If I've learned anything from my Dad and other various superiors, it's that having a partner decreases your chance of a better future for yourself. All of my sisters are shining examples of, to put it bluntly, 'failed attempts'. (That's so fucking harsh, but I'm creasing up right now). And here I am, the forth attempt, and I have a solid relationship that I don't want to lose anytime soon. Dad hates that. He hates that I have a boyfriend and that I am head over heels adoring the fuck out of him, because that's a threat to his forth attempt. I'm laughing so much, but it's so true.
Fortunately for me I am so much smarter than my older sisters, therefore I know how to deal with this so that I get everything that I want, not half of what I want. They chose to have a family at a young age, however I'm chosing a relationship at a young age. You see the difference there? All of my sisters had kids at a young age, but that doesn't appeal to me whatsoever. What I want is a supporting boyfriend with similar interests who will guide me towards ... Whatever the fuck I'm being guided towards. That's something that my sisters don't have, full support from their other half.
Anyway, if anything, he is the one that needs the most support when it comes to stuff like that. I've been prepared for nearly all of my education life, constantly learning about the outside world and how it works, and how to get in the anal arse crack of society. I know exactly where I'm going and almost certain of how I'm going to do it, so it won't hurt to delay for a year or two. I could use some growing myself, and in the meantime I could get that fucking book I've been working on since I was 12 well under way. I'd rather have some ground beneath my feet before I go strolling out in to the air not knowing where I could land.
I may or may not feel like a noob for yesterdays post, but I guess many fucks proceed to not be given. This is good in my point of view, because I like it when no fucks are given since there are so much more lols then. I'm wearing my jeans today just so I can stretch them out tomorrow. The size I have now are too small, but because I've been losing weight, the size just above is too big. Typical. But I'm not planning on gaining weight any time soon so it's safer to go with the smaller size and get a belt later if I need to.
I've never really been too keen to talk about my weight. I've never been absolutely ashamed, just sort of disappointed because I let myself gain weight. I don't think I've ever talked about my weight ever, only a few times with my mum because of 'diet plans' and just general stuff. I don't think Devin knew until recently, and I'm not even sure if he knows now, but I'm not the skinniest girl. I think I'm just above average if I were to talk about 'weight scale'; that means yes, I do have to lose some pounds in order to be a 'healthy weight'.
I think I've been at my most self conscious in years, and that's mainly because I didn't want to disappoint Devin. Maybe the word disappoint is a bit too strong, but I was a tad wary to say the least. I've even said to him that I need to lose a bit of weight, and he denied it, so I made the point of saying that he hasn't actually seen my body. I've always thought that when he will see my body, I want him to see a fit and healthy young woman who looks after her body and takes pride in it - At the moment, I most definitely don't take much care of it.
I used to be bullied for my weight, and my mum always blame herself because she used to work all the time and so she didn't spend enough time to monitor what I was eating, unlike my dad who couldn't give two fucks how much I ate because we had a lot of money at the time. Therefore, I was extremely overweight at the age of 6. I do remember losing that weight pretty fast when my mum started to pay more attention to my eating habits, but I guess ever since then I've been very self conscious about my body and continued to put on weight and lose it. I mainly remember putting on weight when I was under a lot of stress, so you can imagine that I put on a good unwanted chunk during the last year and a half of high school just because it was a bunch of ballsacks to say the least.
With much happainess that proceeds to be nyan'ed my way, I've managed to lose that that weight I put on during that year and a half in the last year. Heck, it hasn't even been a year yet and I've lost more than I put on during that year and a half, which makes me feel amazing. However, since I'm not doing dance anymore in College, it's harder to lose more weight. To be honest, I've only got about 20kg to lose until I'm 'average', but I'm not going to stop losing at that point unless I'm satisfied with how I look. Trust me, I'm not into that anorexic size 0 cringefest, and I'm more into the toned up buff look, so it's going to be about plenty of exercise and an decent amount of food.
Who knows, maybe Devin and I could do it together! :D It would be another thing that we could do, another form of 'looking after eachother'. Aren't I just so intent on finding more reasons for us to talk. Hee hee :3
I was thinking that maybe the reason why I get just a tad bit angsty when talking to Devin late at night is because I'm not actually doing anything with him. Skyrim isn't exactly a multiplayer game, therefore I can't play that with him properly. I haven't got MW3 yet, so there's no bondage going on there. My Minecraft also seems ForeverFucked, so there's no playing that for quite a while. So, what else is there... ? Well, fuck all really. Our conversations go solidly solo, and I don't have much of a problem with that, but in my opinion I would rather be doing shit with him like a gamer couple should be instead of talking to him every so often where it's all lovey dovey mooshy bird shit stuff. Lets put it this way:
I am a girl who is not necessarily completely girl, so all this girly stuff is so new to me. I don't really understand the components of a 'real' relationship, therefore I need a guy who wants to do guy stuff with me, instead of guy/girl stuff with me, all of duh time. So really, it would be amazing if it was more of a bromance with (if you like) gay... stuff? I don't even fucking know, I'm just talking complete bullshit right now (trolol).
To put it simply, I enjoy the company of others SO much more if I'm fucking around with them all of the time. Devin and I used to do that quite a lot, and that's what I adore about him, his ability to treat me like a best friend with the benefits of all that mooshy bird shit stuff. But I guess there has been less of that lately, therefore I feel like, in a sense, that I'm being treated like any other girlfriend, or even that I'm being treated like a girl.
I've never liked being treated like a girl, which is probably why I preferred being good mates with guys and hanging out with them as 'one of them', because whenever I would get so close to a guy that it was almost like we could be in a relationship, I would push them away because that's not what I wanted. If I've learned anything from my Dad and other various superiors, it's that having a partner decreases your chance of a better future for yourself. All of my sisters are shining examples of, to put it bluntly, 'failed attempts'. (That's so fucking harsh, but I'm creasing up right now). And here I am, the forth attempt, and I have a solid relationship that I don't want to lose anytime soon. Dad hates that. He hates that I have a boyfriend and that I am head over heels adoring the fuck out of him, because that's a threat to his forth attempt. I'm laughing so much, but it's so true.
Fortunately for me I am so much smarter than my older sisters, therefore I know how to deal with this so that I get everything that I want, not half of what I want. They chose to have a family at a young age, however I'm chosing a relationship at a young age. You see the difference there? All of my sisters had kids at a young age, but that doesn't appeal to me whatsoever. What I want is a supporting boyfriend with similar interests who will guide me towards ... Whatever the fuck I'm being guided towards. That's something that my sisters don't have, full support from their other half.
Anyway, if anything, he is the one that needs the most support when it comes to stuff like that. I've been prepared for nearly all of my education life, constantly learning about the outside world and how it works, and how to get in the anal arse crack of society. I know exactly where I'm going and almost certain of how I'm going to do it, so it won't hurt to delay for a year or two. I could use some growing myself, and in the meantime I could get that fucking book I've been working on since I was 12 well under way. I'd rather have some ground beneath my feet before I go strolling out in to the air not knowing where I could land.
Sunday, 15 April 2012
If going back to College doesn't sort the problem, then I don't know what will. It's all my side of everything that's messed up. Since the holidays have started, I feel like I've just been trapped in a tiny fucking box that is 'my corner of the room where the desk lies'. I went out today to buy clothes, on my own, and I felt so fucking happy for no reason whatsoever. The truth is that no one, not even myself, can blame this on the relationship itself, because Devin was totally oblivious of me being upset, because there is nothing to be upset about.
I might have been a bit harsh because I said I wanted to go to bed early and I know that Devin really wants to talk to me, and here I am writing a blog, but to be honest I can't even go to sleep. So instead I'm listening to Infected Mushroom while writing this. Their songs really make me focused, even though they're such hype songs. If I were to be talking to Devin while writing this, then I don't think everything would come out the way I wanted it to.
I was pretty surprised that Devin was surprised that I've been upset. I guess he thinks that since I got over my last bump, which might have been a legit bump significantly made worse within my mind because of too much 'self reflection time' in this mother fucking box. I hate that this is what it has become. My corner was supposed to be somewhere I could escape to play video games and chat to the people I have fun with. But instead, since I don't have much else to do except talk to Devin and play shitty Skyrim, that escape has become the actual cage.
The cage kind of has nothing and everything to do with Devin. Every problem is a 'problem that involves Devin', and it sickens me because none of it is actually Devin's fault. What the fuck happened yesterday and today? Devin went out a lot, Devin was there but not actually there, just doing other things I assume like actually having a life - Unlike fucking PMS as shit girlfriend over here who cries over the stupidest of things and then gets angry and starts punching walls. How attractive is that, eh? If I had a girlfriend like me, I would dump her. Seriously, the way I've been acting lately has been selfish and self-centred, whether Devin knows it or not.
I don't mean to beat myself up about it, and I feel a lecture coming on about how 'I'm not that bad', but really; Should I be getting upset and angry this much? Of course I fucking shouldn't be! Before the relationship, even just before the holidays, everything was so much better. Which means, what the hell am I supposed to do in the summer holidays? This has only been two weeks, so just imagine what I would be like for six weeks. What the fuck would I do for those six weeks? I doubt that I'd be able to maintain a routine as busy as College since I'll end up going to sleep at about eight in the morning and waking up at four in the afternoon, by which time I wouldn't have been able to anything normal within those two or so hours until Devin gets online. I would then be talking to Devin until about eight in the morning again. Then in those sixteen hours, since I'll hardly be doing anything to entertain myself, I'll be sitting there like a twat once again banging my head against the desk - Sound familiar?
I wont punch the wall again... Maybe. It all depends on how I survive tomorrow. I'm not sure if Devin understands, but he wouldn't feel this way just because he goes out with his friends. Screw it all he lives with his best friend. He goes out often, he speaks to others on a regular basis, therefore he actually has a life outside everything else. I follow his time zone, his sleeping schedule. I try to fit my life around his, just because I thought that if I didn't then we wouldn't be spending enough time together. Now apparently it's unhealthy to wait at the desk all day with my face in the laptop acting like a noob while I wait for Devin to get back from whatever the fuck he's doing, and for once I completely agree.
You see the blog posts I publish about how happy I am, and how much this relationship has affected me in such an amazing way. That's how it should always be. There shouldn't be any of these bullshit posts that I've been writing more and more lately, because now I'm just starting to see a gruesome pattern that's only going to get messier.
Now it's time for me to rave to I.M just because I can. I can't really end this post on a happy or angry or upset note, because to be honest I feel completely apathetic - No fucks to be given at all. So yeah, I'll leave you with this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8uLK4hDJC84&feature=BFa&list=PL25E30A7D59AAE90D&lf=plcp
Don't forget to max the volume bitches.
I might have been a bit harsh because I said I wanted to go to bed early and I know that Devin really wants to talk to me, and here I am writing a blog, but to be honest I can't even go to sleep. So instead I'm listening to Infected Mushroom while writing this. Their songs really make me focused, even though they're such hype songs. If I were to be talking to Devin while writing this, then I don't think everything would come out the way I wanted it to.
I was pretty surprised that Devin was surprised that I've been upset. I guess he thinks that since I got over my last bump, which might have been a legit bump significantly made worse within my mind because of too much 'self reflection time' in this mother fucking box. I hate that this is what it has become. My corner was supposed to be somewhere I could escape to play video games and chat to the people I have fun with. But instead, since I don't have much else to do except talk to Devin and play shitty Skyrim, that escape has become the actual cage.
The cage kind of has nothing and everything to do with Devin. Every problem is a 'problem that involves Devin', and it sickens me because none of it is actually Devin's fault. What the fuck happened yesterday and today? Devin went out a lot, Devin was there but not actually there, just doing other things I assume like actually having a life - Unlike fucking PMS as shit girlfriend over here who cries over the stupidest of things and then gets angry and starts punching walls. How attractive is that, eh? If I had a girlfriend like me, I would dump her. Seriously, the way I've been acting lately has been selfish and self-centred, whether Devin knows it or not.
I don't mean to beat myself up about it, and I feel a lecture coming on about how 'I'm not that bad', but really; Should I be getting upset and angry this much? Of course I fucking shouldn't be! Before the relationship, even just before the holidays, everything was so much better. Which means, what the hell am I supposed to do in the summer holidays? This has only been two weeks, so just imagine what I would be like for six weeks. What the fuck would I do for those six weeks? I doubt that I'd be able to maintain a routine as busy as College since I'll end up going to sleep at about eight in the morning and waking up at four in the afternoon, by which time I wouldn't have been able to anything normal within those two or so hours until Devin gets online. I would then be talking to Devin until about eight in the morning again. Then in those sixteen hours, since I'll hardly be doing anything to entertain myself, I'll be sitting there like a twat once again banging my head against the desk - Sound familiar?
I wont punch the wall again... Maybe. It all depends on how I survive tomorrow. I'm not sure if Devin understands, but he wouldn't feel this way just because he goes out with his friends. Screw it all he lives with his best friend. He goes out often, he speaks to others on a regular basis, therefore he actually has a life outside everything else. I follow his time zone, his sleeping schedule. I try to fit my life around his, just because I thought that if I didn't then we wouldn't be spending enough time together. Now apparently it's unhealthy to wait at the desk all day with my face in the laptop acting like a noob while I wait for Devin to get back from whatever the fuck he's doing, and for once I completely agree.
You see the blog posts I publish about how happy I am, and how much this relationship has affected me in such an amazing way. That's how it should always be. There shouldn't be any of these bullshit posts that I've been writing more and more lately, because now I'm just starting to see a gruesome pattern that's only going to get messier.
Now it's time for me to rave to I.M just because I can. I can't really end this post on a happy or angry or upset note, because to be honest I feel completely apathetic - No fucks to be given at all. So yeah, I'll leave you with this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8uLK4hDJC84&feature=BFa&list=PL25E30A7D59AAE90D&lf=plcp
Don't forget to max the volume bitches.
Tuesday, 10 April 2012
Three months ago I made a decision...
There are times where I can get scared about moving to Canada, and at other times I feel like I couldn't wait another day. Sometimes I think that I would be so much more happier, happier than I already am, if I just skipped College and moved to Canada straight away. I don't know where I would stay, and I don't know how I would support myself... But I would be with Devin, and at this very moment it seems like he's the only one I need right now.
Is it good to only want a relationship, feeling fulfilled within yourself with no one else but yourself and another? In the end my Dad had to choose between his job and having a family, so I guess I'm lucky that we both agreed to have children at a later age.
You always see in the movies that love triumphs over career, and it's just a movie of course, but a part of that is true. Could I possibly have a constant acting career, and also an amazing relationship? Does it work like that? It's worth thinking about, because sooner or later something is going to happen and I'll waste time freaking out trying to think of a solution.
But, I do really like Devin. And he's right, it's getting harder and harder to not say those three words. Those three generic and overused words that we have hardly said at all, although it's like we talk about them all the time - At least, I now think about them all the time.
Is it bad to go less than a day without talking to him, only to feel like it's been weeks without any interaction at all? It was only about 5 hours of not talking, and there were even messages through Skype, and I still ended up missing him like crazy. It might have been because I usually distract myself with other things, or maybe it might have been because I could have actually been talking to him. Instead, I was getting frustrated trying to fix Minecraft, and getting even more frustrated at Skyrim. Not to mention that I haven't even got MW3 yet, which was supposed to be an Easter present. I'm not even sure that it's so much because I really really want the game, it's because it's a chance and maybe even an excuse to spend more time talking to Devin. Just like fixing Minecraft. I wanted to fix it, just so I could play with him on the Mutiny server. Maybe not necessarily to be with him all of the time and talk to him all the time, but just to be on the same server.
I think I would do anything to make it seem like I was there with him, making some sort of interaction beyond sending messages. That's why I love speaking to him in a call. That's why I love not speaking to him in a call - we don't need that constant conversation because it would be like normal every day life if we were actually together. Getting on doing what you would normally do, but at the same time knowing that someone is there.
I love it even more when we video chat. That allows more communication and interaction, although it does remind me that we are an ocean apart. A whole ocean. It's amazing how intense and strong our relationship is, even though there is so much distance between the two of us. It seems impossible, and even more so knowing that when I move to Canada, our relationship is going to be even stronger.
By the time Devin reads this, it's going to be our 3 month anniversary. 1/4 of a year already gone by. And as slow as it may be going, I've found that it has also been going really fast in some twisted way. Everything has happened so fast, and it seems that even though we're putting off saying those three words, we're already talking about moving in together and having kids. Devin used to say before: 'It's weird how we talk about things that seem beyond the conversation of those three words.' but I think I understand a bit more now. Sure, the delay of saying those three words is not wanting to take it so fast in the relationship. It was a way to slow things down so that we don't get head-over-heels. However, it was also about the meaning and the effect of those three words. Making it a taboo has only strengthened that meaning, making it seem so much more powerful than anyone else could ever make it.
The word 'love' shouldn't be a term that's lightly said in a relationship. There are different kinds of love, such as: Unconditional love, true love, being in love. Now true love, that is something that should define love in itself. Why should love be untrue, and unworthy? It shouldn't. However, with that word being thrown around so much, no wonder love has to be defined in different categories. Being in love - that is something worth thinking about. It is something that tests the knowledge and understanding of any couple. It's one thing to love someone, but to be in love? A lot of people, teenagers especially, claim to be in love. Their heart is at such a state at that age, constantly flowing from one person to another. They think that everything is perfect, just right, and that they would stay with that other person for the rest of their lives. They create a fantasy.
However, what I think is peculiar, is that I don't know if I'm in love. I think about it, and I question it for a moment. Any other 'perfect' relationship that I've had in the past has consisted of the words 'In love' and 'forever' ... Maybe if you think you are in love, you are not, and if you question it, then...
But I guess that all depends on the individual. Surely we cannot wait for the day to say to one another 'those three words', but to admit that you are in love? Could it possibly mean anything unless it is dismissed as much as, or even more so, than 'I love you'?
We care for one another, we want the best for one another, we only think of others before ourselves and most importantly, we want to be together. Just the two of us. I want what's best for him, and I always make sure that I can do everything in my power to make sure that he doesn't get upset or angry, just like he goes to endless trouble to make sure that I don't get upset or angry. Of course sometimes that doesn't work because I think things and do things that I'm scared that will make him upset or angry, therefore It's like a block because I wont tell him, therefore he can't make sure that I don't feel those negative feelings and end up hurting myself - He might have caught on, but last time I got a nice bruise on my knuckles because I punched the wall a few times. Mark gave me permission... But I'm not that nasty so I guess I gave him no choice but to let me.
So, three months ago I made a decision. I made a decision to make the greatest commitment I'm ever going to have to face. That decision has led on to many different emotions and happenings, and it will lead on into the future, a very distant future to come. I'm going to feel angry, and upset, and jealous and alone. But at the same time, for the majority of the time, I will feel amazing, happy, loved, glad, and I will feel that for once in my life, for the first time ever in a relationship, I have made the right decision. To be with the person I care for most, to feel that I can laugh and prosper and be supported while supporting with my greatest will. But most importantly, just to simply be happy. Happy with him.
Is it good to only want a relationship, feeling fulfilled within yourself with no one else but yourself and another? In the end my Dad had to choose between his job and having a family, so I guess I'm lucky that we both agreed to have children at a later age.
You always see in the movies that love triumphs over career, and it's just a movie of course, but a part of that is true. Could I possibly have a constant acting career, and also an amazing relationship? Does it work like that? It's worth thinking about, because sooner or later something is going to happen and I'll waste time freaking out trying to think of a solution.
But, I do really like Devin. And he's right, it's getting harder and harder to not say those three words. Those three generic and overused words that we have hardly said at all, although it's like we talk about them all the time - At least, I now think about them all the time.
Is it bad to go less than a day without talking to him, only to feel like it's been weeks without any interaction at all? It was only about 5 hours of not talking, and there were even messages through Skype, and I still ended up missing him like crazy. It might have been because I usually distract myself with other things, or maybe it might have been because I could have actually been talking to him. Instead, I was getting frustrated trying to fix Minecraft, and getting even more frustrated at Skyrim. Not to mention that I haven't even got MW3 yet, which was supposed to be an Easter present. I'm not even sure that it's so much because I really really want the game, it's because it's a chance and maybe even an excuse to spend more time talking to Devin. Just like fixing Minecraft. I wanted to fix it, just so I could play with him on the Mutiny server. Maybe not necessarily to be with him all of the time and talk to him all the time, but just to be on the same server.
I think I would do anything to make it seem like I was there with him, making some sort of interaction beyond sending messages. That's why I love speaking to him in a call. That's why I love not speaking to him in a call - we don't need that constant conversation because it would be like normal every day life if we were actually together. Getting on doing what you would normally do, but at the same time knowing that someone is there.
I love it even more when we video chat. That allows more communication and interaction, although it does remind me that we are an ocean apart. A whole ocean. It's amazing how intense and strong our relationship is, even though there is so much distance between the two of us. It seems impossible, and even more so knowing that when I move to Canada, our relationship is going to be even stronger.
By the time Devin reads this, it's going to be our 3 month anniversary. 1/4 of a year already gone by. And as slow as it may be going, I've found that it has also been going really fast in some twisted way. Everything has happened so fast, and it seems that even though we're putting off saying those three words, we're already talking about moving in together and having kids. Devin used to say before: 'It's weird how we talk about things that seem beyond the conversation of those three words.' but I think I understand a bit more now. Sure, the delay of saying those three words is not wanting to take it so fast in the relationship. It was a way to slow things down so that we don't get head-over-heels. However, it was also about the meaning and the effect of those three words. Making it a taboo has only strengthened that meaning, making it seem so much more powerful than anyone else could ever make it.
The word 'love' shouldn't be a term that's lightly said in a relationship. There are different kinds of love, such as: Unconditional love, true love, being in love. Now true love, that is something that should define love in itself. Why should love be untrue, and unworthy? It shouldn't. However, with that word being thrown around so much, no wonder love has to be defined in different categories. Being in love - that is something worth thinking about. It is something that tests the knowledge and understanding of any couple. It's one thing to love someone, but to be in love? A lot of people, teenagers especially, claim to be in love. Their heart is at such a state at that age, constantly flowing from one person to another. They think that everything is perfect, just right, and that they would stay with that other person for the rest of their lives. They create a fantasy.
However, what I think is peculiar, is that I don't know if I'm in love. I think about it, and I question it for a moment. Any other 'perfect' relationship that I've had in the past has consisted of the words 'In love' and 'forever' ... Maybe if you think you are in love, you are not, and if you question it, then...
But I guess that all depends on the individual. Surely we cannot wait for the day to say to one another 'those three words', but to admit that you are in love? Could it possibly mean anything unless it is dismissed as much as, or even more so, than 'I love you'?
We care for one another, we want the best for one another, we only think of others before ourselves and most importantly, we want to be together. Just the two of us. I want what's best for him, and I always make sure that I can do everything in my power to make sure that he doesn't get upset or angry, just like he goes to endless trouble to make sure that I don't get upset or angry. Of course sometimes that doesn't work because I think things and do things that I'm scared that will make him upset or angry, therefore It's like a block because I wont tell him, therefore he can't make sure that I don't feel those negative feelings and end up hurting myself - He might have caught on, but last time I got a nice bruise on my knuckles because I punched the wall a few times. Mark gave me permission... But I'm not that nasty so I guess I gave him no choice but to let me.
So, three months ago I made a decision. I made a decision to make the greatest commitment I'm ever going to have to face. That decision has led on to many different emotions and happenings, and it will lead on into the future, a very distant future to come. I'm going to feel angry, and upset, and jealous and alone. But at the same time, for the majority of the time, I will feel amazing, happy, loved, glad, and I will feel that for once in my life, for the first time ever in a relationship, I have made the right decision. To be with the person I care for most, to feel that I can laugh and prosper and be supported while supporting with my greatest will. But most importantly, just to simply be happy. Happy with him.
Saturday, 7 April 2012
Two Days To Go
I have to say that I feel so much better now that I know that Devin knows about everything that's been on my mind. I always thought that those little things in the back of my mind didn't really matter, but I guess I've learned to pay attention to those thoughts no matter how insignificant they may seem at the time.
I managed to get through the majority of yesterday thanks to Mark. I never realized he could be such a great friend, and such a caring friend too. I've been to him twice now, just to talk to him and ask for a bit of advice and support. I think that we've become closer as friends mainly because I sought to help him even though it seemed like everyone was against him for some reason or other. I'm glad that I could be there for him instead of just thinking of him as a mate to go to when I needed a laugh. Sure he cheers me up with a bit of banter after listening to me rant, but he actually helps. He's not a dick about it all, he doesn't tell me to just suck it up. It's because of Mark that I actually had the guts to talk to Devin about why I was so angry and upset.
The night was great too. I wasn't meant to stay up as late as I did because I was supposed to take Jessy to the park, but she ended up throwing up this morning so I guess I was off the hook. It was very random yesterday, the things I did. I usually just stick to doing one thing a day, but it was a mix between Skyrim, Minecraft (sort of), and porn... I must delete my history at some point.
While I was having a rough time trying to get Minecraft to work, Devin had invited Max and Kevin to the call. Kevin was busy for a while so it just ended up being Devin, Max and I in the call. It was quite mellow actually, and I think it was because of Max's voice to be completely honest x) ... It's sort of really soft and passive, but not a monotone kind of passive - Like Riorach! You can just imagine patting him on the head all like 'Daw'hhhh', or maybe because he's most likey older than me, you can imagine him saying, 'Hey kiddo, how you doing today?' all big brotherly-like. Ahaha!
But yeah, enough of Max's voice (lawl wtf?), I feel amazing today! Devin was reading The Hunger Games to me. He thought that I wasn't listening, but in all honesty I was just sitting there on the chair with my legs crossed, listening to him read to me. It was so nice. I would drift off at random times daydreaming of the two of us together, but other than that I was listening, I swear.
I managed to get through the majority of yesterday thanks to Mark. I never realized he could be such a great friend, and such a caring friend too. I've been to him twice now, just to talk to him and ask for a bit of advice and support. I think that we've become closer as friends mainly because I sought to help him even though it seemed like everyone was against him for some reason or other. I'm glad that I could be there for him instead of just thinking of him as a mate to go to when I needed a laugh. Sure he cheers me up with a bit of banter after listening to me rant, but he actually helps. He's not a dick about it all, he doesn't tell me to just suck it up. It's because of Mark that I actually had the guts to talk to Devin about why I was so angry and upset.
The night was great too. I wasn't meant to stay up as late as I did because I was supposed to take Jessy to the park, but she ended up throwing up this morning so I guess I was off the hook. It was very random yesterday, the things I did. I usually just stick to doing one thing a day, but it was a mix between Skyrim, Minecraft (sort of), and porn... I must delete my history at some point.
While I was having a rough time trying to get Minecraft to work, Devin had invited Max and Kevin to the call. Kevin was busy for a while so it just ended up being Devin, Max and I in the call. It was quite mellow actually, and I think it was because of Max's voice to be completely honest x) ... It's sort of really soft and passive, but not a monotone kind of passive - Like Riorach! You can just imagine patting him on the head all like 'Daw'hhhh', or maybe because he's most likey older than me, you can imagine him saying, 'Hey kiddo, how you doing today?' all big brotherly-like. Ahaha!
But yeah, enough of Max's voice (lawl wtf?), I feel amazing today! Devin was reading The Hunger Games to me. He thought that I wasn't listening, but in all honesty I was just sitting there on the chair with my legs crossed, listening to him read to me. It was so nice. I would drift off at random times daydreaming of the two of us together, but other than that I was listening, I swear.
Thursday, 5 April 2012
Three Days To Go
I feel like shit today. It's not that emotional pain I've been trying to deal with, it's physical pain. I'm actually ill and It's all because of that fucking dinner yesterday. I've been in my bed all day, not necessarily sleeping, either swallowing down the pain or running to the toilet. It's rare for me to get ill and when I do it's rare for me to even give a shit that I'm ill, but I guess that over the last few days I've allowed my system to get so run down that it's been easier for my body to just give up and give in to illness.
In sending a message to Mariah, I received one back today. I tried to make it as friendly as possible because I want to make sure that I don't cause any shit or make her feel guilty for what she did - Or rather, how her actions made me feel.
I don't want to feel angry anymore. Even at this moment when I may seem calm and fragile, I can feel the anger boiling up and I'm just about ready to punch something. This is no ones fault, not even my own. There just happened to be a chain of events that were so cose together that they ended up overlapping, and that's just caused me to become oblivious to the root of my problem... However, I think I know why I don't want this happening. The overlay of repression that hides the anger, the reason for this.
I don't want to lose him, ever. I know that in the past, anyone I've ever loved and cared for has been pushed away because of the actions I take and because of the stupid things I say. I've cried enough times in fear of losing him, pushing him away, drowning him with my over-emotional over-dramatic shitload that I let build up. In all sincerity, I don't want to be alone again, and the way this is going I think I'm just going to end up wanting Devin more and more. I didn't want to get so emotionally involved this time, just to save the hurt all over again, and each time I say it's worth it but it never is. It all seems so perfect at the beginning, but then suddenly everything gets ripped away... I'm almost certain that Devin isn't like anyone else I've ever cared for, and that's why I'm letting him make me cry, and I'm letting him make me angry.
He's always said to me that he never wants to make me upset or unhappy, but the truth is that he's made me cry more times than I can remember. Most of those times he probably couldn't prevent because sometimes things come out the way you didn't mean them to. There are times where I think to myself that I've been both extremes of the spectrum in our relationship - Both ecstatic, and furious with rage and tears. Between the start of College and the beginning of our relationship, I was totally neutral and always content, and now I've gone back to this emotional rollercoaster that I've always hated being on.
I don't want to end up saying something I regret just because Devin just so happened to be involved in those actions at the time. Who's fault is it that that happened? I can't think of a suitable reason to blame anyone, so I can't see any blame coming out of this.
And about Loren... Saying it in the most humane way possible... What if you wanted to give all of your life and love to someone, knowing that there is a possibility that you're going to spend your future with them, knowing that they don't belong to you. Knowing that, even though they've said that they want you and need you and would do anything for you, half of their love still belongs some place else.
This feels like Emma all over again. Giving everything to her but not getting anything back that equals my giving. Sure, Devin gives so much, but I don't mean it like that. I don't know whether he'll say that's true or not, but I know it is.
Putting all of that aside, it's not like I want him to stop talking about her. When he's upset about his loss, I want him to know that he can talk to me about it. I want to be able to make him feel better, for me to reassure him that it's okay when he makes those stupid mistakes like he did a few nights ago. An example of me backing this up would be when I was concerned about Devin smoking weed. One night I couldn't even tell that he was high. He is the same person before as he is after - It should be the same with this situation. He's mentioned her so many times before, and even though he knows now about how I feel now, my reaction to him bringing her up is going to be the exact same as it was before. When he knows this, I'm not going to lash out or cry whenever he mentions Loren, I'm going to be the same supporting and loving girlfriend that I've always tried to be whenever the subject comes up. Trust me, I'm not completely heartless.
I think, all in all, this is just another milestone to get over. I can see us coming through the other side on this one, mainly because I know that he knows now. Four days may not seem that long to be holding anger in, but if you think about it, the anger with the Mariah situation had been building up ever since he told me what happened, and the situation with Loren has been building up ever since he told me that he still loves her which was quite a while ago now.
I'm sorry if any of this has hurt you Devin, but if I didn't get it out then I'm sure that it would have led to something much worse somewhere down the line. I wont delete the draft post I have just before this one, just so you know the other side of this, the side that is much less at ease, and much less calm. After I've completely got this out of my system, you probably wont even have to deal with this for another year or so. Lucky for you my emotional period only comes twice a year at maximum, so there wont be any monthly bullshit that you would get from a normal girl. I guess that's why you like me, huh? I'm such a normal girl :)
In sending a message to Mariah, I received one back today. I tried to make it as friendly as possible because I want to make sure that I don't cause any shit or make her feel guilty for what she did - Or rather, how her actions made me feel.
I don't want to feel angry anymore. Even at this moment when I may seem calm and fragile, I can feel the anger boiling up and I'm just about ready to punch something. This is no ones fault, not even my own. There just happened to be a chain of events that were so cose together that they ended up overlapping, and that's just caused me to become oblivious to the root of my problem... However, I think I know why I don't want this happening. The overlay of repression that hides the anger, the reason for this.
I don't want to lose him, ever. I know that in the past, anyone I've ever loved and cared for has been pushed away because of the actions I take and because of the stupid things I say. I've cried enough times in fear of losing him, pushing him away, drowning him with my over-emotional over-dramatic shitload that I let build up. In all sincerity, I don't want to be alone again, and the way this is going I think I'm just going to end up wanting Devin more and more. I didn't want to get so emotionally involved this time, just to save the hurt all over again, and each time I say it's worth it but it never is. It all seems so perfect at the beginning, but then suddenly everything gets ripped away... I'm almost certain that Devin isn't like anyone else I've ever cared for, and that's why I'm letting him make me cry, and I'm letting him make me angry.
He's always said to me that he never wants to make me upset or unhappy, but the truth is that he's made me cry more times than I can remember. Most of those times he probably couldn't prevent because sometimes things come out the way you didn't mean them to. There are times where I think to myself that I've been both extremes of the spectrum in our relationship - Both ecstatic, and furious with rage and tears. Between the start of College and the beginning of our relationship, I was totally neutral and always content, and now I've gone back to this emotional rollercoaster that I've always hated being on.
I don't want to end up saying something I regret just because Devin just so happened to be involved in those actions at the time. Who's fault is it that that happened? I can't think of a suitable reason to blame anyone, so I can't see any blame coming out of this.
And about Loren... Saying it in the most humane way possible... What if you wanted to give all of your life and love to someone, knowing that there is a possibility that you're going to spend your future with them, knowing that they don't belong to you. Knowing that, even though they've said that they want you and need you and would do anything for you, half of their love still belongs some place else.
This feels like Emma all over again. Giving everything to her but not getting anything back that equals my giving. Sure, Devin gives so much, but I don't mean it like that. I don't know whether he'll say that's true or not, but I know it is.
Putting all of that aside, it's not like I want him to stop talking about her. When he's upset about his loss, I want him to know that he can talk to me about it. I want to be able to make him feel better, for me to reassure him that it's okay when he makes those stupid mistakes like he did a few nights ago. An example of me backing this up would be when I was concerned about Devin smoking weed. One night I couldn't even tell that he was high. He is the same person before as he is after - It should be the same with this situation. He's mentioned her so many times before, and even though he knows now about how I feel now, my reaction to him bringing her up is going to be the exact same as it was before. When he knows this, I'm not going to lash out or cry whenever he mentions Loren, I'm going to be the same supporting and loving girlfriend that I've always tried to be whenever the subject comes up. Trust me, I'm not completely heartless.
I think, all in all, this is just another milestone to get over. I can see us coming through the other side on this one, mainly because I know that he knows now. Four days may not seem that long to be holding anger in, but if you think about it, the anger with the Mariah situation had been building up ever since he told me what happened, and the situation with Loren has been building up ever since he told me that he still loves her which was quite a while ago now.
I'm sorry if any of this has hurt you Devin, but if I didn't get it out then I'm sure that it would have led to something much worse somewhere down the line. I wont delete the draft post I have just before this one, just so you know the other side of this, the side that is much less at ease, and much less calm. After I've completely got this out of my system, you probably wont even have to deal with this for another year or so. Lucky for you my emotional period only comes twice a year at maximum, so there wont be any monthly bullshit that you would get from a normal girl. I guess that's why you like me, huh? I'm such a normal girl :)
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