Life and Other Shit #3

The car slowed upon nearing the bookstore, and she got out with meticulous coolness. She was so glad that Jon got rid of the Mercedes-Benz Roadster and replaced it with this nice and subtle used Corsa; Jon didn't like sitting in a cramped rickety car, but she knew that if they went around in something like a Roadster then they might as well just hand themselves over to Ajax, or what was left of him. She walked over to the bookstore, approaching four other boys who were standing by the door. She didn't expect this much of a turn up, especially as she didn't see anyone follow up the event online. Apparently they wanted to keep quiet about it, which was understandable. Now all she had to do was run in when the shop opened and grab one before anyone else did, but also without seeming like a crazy psycho lunatic. Shouldn't be too hard, she thought.

One of them was about her height. The way he spoke was brash and violent; he'd do anything to get his hands on that book, and he'd made a point of expressing that through a series of somewhat friendly threats to fight anyone who tried to grab it before he did. She didn't bother asking his name, but she decided that he looked like a Carl. The other was taller and skinnier with glasses. He had an enthusiastic personality, determined to get his hands on one of the copies. She decided that this one looked like a Thomas. Thomas tried to compete with Carl, saying that he'd be willing to go up against him to get that book. She looked to another much calmer guy standing next to her and said to him,

"And while they're fighting, I'll grab one of the books."

He agreed. Another boy was standing with the group, but split off once his friends had come to help him grab one. The group decided that this was cheating and made a quick treaty to work against him. This was almost perfect, she thought. There were three books, and three of them including herself were determined enough to get one. The boy standing next to her didn't look bothered enough about it, and the other was too distracted by his friends at the moment. Just as the door opened, they all ran in all at once. She didn't want to run. She didn't want to act like a crazy psycho lunatic, but seeing as everyone else was acting like a crazy psycho lunatic then she only thought it appropriate to do the same.

They got to the back of the store and Carl grabbed the first one, then exclaimed,

"There's another one!"

She saw Thomases' eyes searching from the corner of her vision, but she saw it and leaped in on the shelves, grabbing the book before Thomas had a chance to and he groaned in disdain. She was about to head for the counter when she realised that she said that she'd help find the others. Thomas eventually managed to grab the last copy and they all headed for the counter.

A while later she left the shop and entered the car, giving a quick sigh and smiled after slamming the door shut.

"Did you beat anyone up?" Jon asked.

"Not this time." She replied.

"Aw, what a spoil sport. Must have been no fun at all."

"Yeah, because we both know that you'd punch someone in the face even if you already had the book in your hands."

"Punching people is fun."

"Drive."

:)

I feel like such a fucking ass.

THIS SHIT IS FUCKED
ITS FUCKING NOT RIGHT.

I CAN'T FUCKING TELL ANYONE. MY MIND IS TRAPPING IT OFF. MY MOUTH IS FUCKING TAPED UP. I CAN'T FIND THE COURAGE TO JUST BLURT IT OUT.

First off I have this depersonalisation issue.
I can't feel my fucking arms.
They're not there.
My soul is trapped inside a fucking vessel and it tries to leave but it can't because I'm fucking trapped inside of it and there's nothing I can do except eventually snap out of the detachment and get on with the day. It's not fucking fair I tell you. If this ends up as Shamanic Illness I will not be happy. This is not something I need right now. I thought I went through all of the bad shit already, but it's there. My head is fucked up. It's all fucked. I'm so fucking fucked. FUCK.

Then secondly Devin breaks up with me. He loves me, he said. This is not a fucking forever break up, he said. He needs to fuck someone or some shit. He needs to hold hands with someone and kiss them so he can have the satisfaction OF FUCKING BEING WITH A REAL PERSON ON PLANET EARTH. IT DOESN'T EVEN FUCKING MATTER, HE DOESN'T READ THIS SHIT ANYMORE ANYWAY. IT DOESN'T EXIST. I NEED SOMEONE. I JUST NEED SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS. HE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO UNDERSTANDS, AND HE'S FUCKING GONE. THERE IS NOONE ELSE EXCEPT THE DAMN FUCKING SPIRITS. WHAT USE DOES THAT DO?!
THEYRE.
FUCKING.
SPIRITS.
FOR FUCK SAKE.

Then Mark thinks it's an amazing idea to text me saying we should be together because he's having his OWN FUCKING ISSUES WITH A BREAKUP. Just because he's comfortable with the idea of talking about our future kids and calling me Wifey (by the way, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT EVEN ABOUT?!), it doesn't mean I'm up for the idea. I fucking blocked all feelings of romance between us just because every fucking crush I've had on a best friend since I was born went PISS AWFUL. I don't even want to copy out all of the texts he sent me last night. I don't even care if it was a joke or not. It's fucking sick.
I feel so fucking sick.
I'm actually dizzy thinking about all of this.
I don't want to be going through this.
I'm not ready for another upheaval of bullshit like I went through in high school.

I just want to go back. I can handle a little bit of depersonalisation in the fingers or hands. But getting so detached to the point where my arms and body are in a state of nothingness, and getting so far away from reality that it's actually difficult to come back to my body to become human again? I can't fucking do that.
Being broken up with, but not being broken up with?? Remaining exactly how we were, without the label boyfriend/girlfriend. I feel like I can't even talk to him for that reason. I tried, but it was fucking me up. I'm still in shock, probably still in denial about it all. I want to cry so bad, I get so close to crying, but it's either the wrong place and wrong time to cry or the tears subside.

I can't think...

Time still fucking passes though... As if all of this shit isn't happening. I'm having my own personal struggle, and everyone else is going along their merry way. I need help, but there's no human on Earth I know except myself that can understand this fully.

My mind is so full, yet so empty.
My appetite is going zero miles per hour.
My soul and mind are fighting over my body.
Meanwhile my emotions are running rampant, sometimes so rampant that they go the speed of light and it seems like they're not there at all.

I think I'm fine again. It's the first time in a long time I've been like this.
But it's out. It's done.

I don't have to tell anyone.

I'm fine again.

Life and Other Shit #2

Scooping her tea up from the table, she began her ascent up the stairs, the events of a few moments ago drifting from her mind and with it being replaced with something rather uncomfortable. She could hear her younger sister laughing, the result of playing games online with her friends over Skype. This reminded her of when her and her now ex-boyfriend used to do the same; her mum would go on to tell her that she could always tell when they were talking to one another, laughing and joking. It was a happy memory, but it made her sad. It was only replaced by fleeting memories of them in conversation over the years. All happy memories, all made her feel like she wanted to smash her head against the wall until she forgot them.

Her ex broke up with her just a couple of days before, and she still couldn't find the courage nor the words to tell anyone but her best friend, Joe, whose girlfriend had broken up with him a week ago or so. She saw it coming for them, but never for a moment did she expect her own relationship to end. It's probably why she was feeling so detached from everything including her own body, she thought. As she came to the top of the stairs, she breathed a sigh of contempt at her brains ability to make her feel so crap, and placed the mug of tea on the vertical slat of the bed.

"Shut up." She said to herself monotonously, and dropped onto the bed.

He had told her that he still loved her, and that the only reason why he wanted the relationship to end was because he needed a physical relationship; they had been in a long distance relationship for a few years now. When he told her, she was in such a shock that she couldn't respond at all. She couldn't even cry (lord knows she wanted to, so much, but with his brilliant timing it was almost time for her to go downstairs for dinner with the family and she didn't much feel like explaining why she had bloodshot, red, puffy eyes, and a snotty nose). So she kept it all in for the duration of the conversation, and was still keeping it in apparently.

Her phone beeped... A text from Joe.

They had been texting for most of the day, over the last few days.

'I think me and you should get
together.. Just because we get
eachother 80% and the other
20% of the time we attempt
to understand each other. Our
babies would be so intelligent.'

"What the fuck?" She mumbled in sheer disbelief, "Is he being serious?"

She replied:
'Was that text meant for me, or
are you just joking?'

He replied:
'Yeah it was XD'

That didn't really answer whether he was joking or not, but she went along with it anyway. She wanted to know where the conversation would go, even though it all seemed so wrong and awkward from her end. They went on to talk about their 'future children', and things of similar context. He was obviously going through a tough time so she entertained the idea, for him. It wasn't as if she hadn't thought about being with him before, she just preferred to keep those thoughts blocked out or locked away where they wouldn't disturb her, as her past crushes on best friends always went terribly terribly wrong. So she had always kept her distance physically with him, keeping hugs and things of the like at a bare minimum.

It had worked so far. And now this shit was happening.

Life and other Shit #1

Her arms weren't there. Or rather, they weren't her arms. Or rather, she felt like they weren't her arms. In fact, it probably actually felt like her body was a vessel, in which her thoughts were just a clump of bubbles inside of her (or it). Her arms, or the vessels arms, were laid out on the dining table in front of her and she looked left and right several times. This was a familiar feeling, something she had only felt in her hands and fingers before. Something about depersonalisation, she thought to herself in remembrance. Eventually she decided to move her index fingers up and down, trying rather lazily to feel like this was actually her body and that she wasn't some poor soul trapped in a chamber. They were like mechanical hands, she thought, strings tethered from her fingertips to her brain as to control them... This was true, to an extent.

It was after this that she remembered that there was a chomped up piece of crumpet in her mouth. She started chewing at it, suddenly feeling like she didn't want it which was unusual since jammy crumpets were one of her favorite evening snacks. She felt it mush up in her mouth, swallowing some. Now she really didn't want any more. So she spit it all out on her plate... Delicious. This really wasn't helping whatever she was going through right now, so she decided to get up and wash the muck away in the sink, watching the gloop swirl around the plug hole. The whole palava really wasn't worth the heaving she felt she was about to endure.

She sat down at the table, looking at the freshly lain wallpaper on the wall. In that moment she felt like she was going to cry, and she wanted to. She wanted so badly to cry. So she closed her eyes and readied herself for the biggest sobbing of her life. But as she did, the tears that began to well subsided and a very small smile spread across her lips. That was the pattern over the last few days, almost like a rule; you have no time to cry, there's no point in it. So you can have a few seconds of potential tears and you're done, you hear me? At least, that what she assumed was going on in her brain. She didn't really understand it, but it always happened no matter how much she tried to let it all out.

"Crap." She announced to herself in a whisper, letting out a long and frustrated sigh, "Maybe next time."

I miss you.

After the hours of thinking I do while working, I've realized I was wrong again. It was the same as last time too... I'm trying to figure everything out in my head and I try to type over and over and it always seems wrong so I backspace and try again but it never works out. I just want to say so much so I'm just going to type with no filter right now and hope that maybe you make some sense of these thoughts. I love you, I do. I want to be with you, it's true. [Had to make it rhyme just to try and make you laugh]. Even with these feelings for Candice, my feelings for you have never gone away. When you wanted me to choose, I was scared and wanted the closest thing [distance-wise] and that was Candice. I'm an idiot for that, but at least now I had the time to think it through so that I can know how much of an idiot I was and not be able to go back in change it but I guess this is why I am trying to write this... Trying to go back in time. Anyways, my point is that I can't choose either of you. I can't be with Candice, we can't be together and we barely even acknowledge that we like each other because we can't handle the distance... And she'll be busy with stuff for a while so it isn't like I can visit.

But then there is you. We dated for over a year... and I loved every moment of it. Then you were gone, then you were back and now you're gone again and I hate this. I want those spectacular moments with you back. I'm sorry that it takes me being an idiot and losing you and hurting you over and over to make me realize these things but I'm trying my best to just try and be happy and sometimes I'm wrong. I'm sorry, and I don't know what else to say now....

I just hope maybe you read this...

Please, come back..

My Obviously Amazing Weekend

I received a warm welcome from some friends of mine this morning. Instantly, just as I woke up I looked up to the ceiling and I could feel them smiling down upon me, saying, 'Good morning Hayleigh! I hope you had a peaceful sleep!'. Which I did. Ever since yesterday where I was constantly striving to gain a higher and higher frequency, pushing myself to find someone new, yet someone I knew, I've felt this joyful presence. It doesn't feel new either, it feels like they've been there for a very long time; just hiding. Or maybe I've been hiding from them.

I think that even though Devin is all new to this, I shouldn't really hold back on my experiences and feelings just because I'm afraid that he'll judge me. These are my own experiences, and I should know that if he keeps going with it then he'll find out too some day.

So, I had a lucid dream last night, although I'm not sure whether it was completely lucid. There was a time in the dream where I realised it was a dream, but I just continued it as normal. There was a point in the dream where I was in danger, and I brought Richard in to help me escape apparently x). The dream was one I've had before, in the same location, but slightly different events happened. It was about someone coming after me, and having to go through these familiar places, except this time it felt like the place I was in belonged to Emma, and Richard stepped in to help me escape; he ended up not really saving me though as it seemed he was just as afraid as getting caught as I was, (lolwtf?), but I could instantly change the dream so that the people who were after me 'forgave' me anyway, so everything was fine.

Then that's when I woke up.

I've been feeling very tired today. I had a feeling that since I've been more spiritually awake that I'd be more tired; I guess I just didn't think I'd be this tired. I want to just lay down and drift off, but I have a few things that I have to do today. I have to: Draw and colour Marks picture, Draw and colour Paige's picture, practice a song for Tuesday, and start writing up my final copy of my dancers & choreographers journal AND evaluation... Although I think it's a bad idea to do any more College work at home since I have a pretty good routine going on with doing work at College in Study Plus and Learning Support. I've already done Marks picture so I guess that one is ticked off the list. He wanted me to draw him riding a Gyarados... It's so hard to colour waves and the ocean it's unbelievable ;-; 

Sooooo, yes... It has been a very eventful weekend thanks to James, Jordan, and Erin. It's also been a staggeringly happy one, with an exception of today since I'm so so so immennnnsely tired. It's not that I'm not happy, it's just that my energy levels are down and it's harder to stay awake let alone be smiling and laughing constantly (My energy lets me do that more, see).

I think I'm also slightly worried about next week. I feel as if I have a lot to do in a matter of a couple of days and I feel uncomfortable doing it. On Monday there's context and I have a feeling a few people are going to kick off because we have to present our practical work and apparently we're far from getting it done. We're also going to find out what the cast is for Spring Awakening as well, and I have a feeling more people are going to kick off about that as well. Written work is also due in tomorrow, but I'm a bit less worried about that since I know I'm getting work done anyway. Is there anything else.. ? And then on Tuesday we need to sing a song, and I'm all screwy with singing at the moment so I don't even want to think about that. Also on Tuesday we've got the Carmina Burana show, which I don't think is even a show so I'm a tad confused about that...

Then from Wednesday onwards I think I'm hunky dory, and I can continue with my spiritual awakening/ascension; either or... I just hope I was bad enough to not get a main part in the musical since I have so much going on right now, and I just don't want to go there any more. What I want right now is my novel, my art, and my ascension; there's no room for anything else!

Back to all things wonderful, I had so much fun yesterday meditating. It's not every day you hear someone, especially myself, saying I had fun meditating; not that long ago I thought meditating was useless to me and that I couldn't do it. Now I'm doing it at least once a day and with great results.

Better yet, I'm getting such great results that I'm not doubting myself that much any more. When I began watching Spirit Science and reading the comments about some of the amazing things that people could do, I was quite down because I wasn't as aware as they are. Then I began reading articles from Erin Pavlina, and she wrote about how difficult it is to achieve things like Astral Projection and so on... But I'm so close, to everything. Over the weekend I've become someone totally... I wouldn't say I'm different, I'm just enhanced. My whole self has enhanced and I can feel things I've always been looking for, and I can feel things I never even knew existed. I can sense the frequencies and beings that were there all along, and it's both exciting and relieving that that was what I was looking for all along; my home, my family, the connection, the love, the abilities and cosmic never-ending possibilities.

All those years ago I knew something was coming, and I tried my utmost hardest to find out what it was; whether it was good, or bad. Maybe it was a full and true self-discovery that was coming, because it has come and it's here right now. I don't have to worry any more because I'm not being left behind, I'm right here where I should be and I'm here where so many others are beginning to ascend. The greatest part of all is that I can't wait for others to realise this too. If I have to teach them, I will; everyone in the connection deserves the chance to know about who they are, who we are.

It's so obvious, so blatant. But I guess there's never been a time when others have gone looking for something and never expected it to be so close.

Thoughts #18

The last few days, well, really the last however many months have been bad for me. I never really noticed how much I was self-destructing until today. I cut myself. Well, I tried to. The knife was dull and I don't like pain so it took a while for me to even draw blood. I guess I just wanted some attention. I feel so alone and I don't know what to do. I'm trying to be more independent and able to live for myself, but with this loneliness, I just can't. It's not even that there is no one around, it's that there are so many people around and I just believe that they don't care or that I'm nothing to them.

I can't write anymore of this. I know how stupid all of this is yet I still feel it. I need to stop being so weak and solve this issue.

Thoughts #17

Do you think we'll end up together like we planned? Do you want us to? My answer is an obvious yes to both of those. In the end, I want you.

I'm really tired so I probably shouldn't be writing a blog about my thoughts. Maybe when I wake up... but I would love an answer, if possible.

Thoughts #16

Ever wanted to scream out for help because you're so upset, sad and angry that you can't do anything except wallow in your own depression, but you can't ask anyone for help because they can't help? I'm constantly having that feeling, and am only happy when distracted. I mean, I haven't even made any new videos since I've moved in with Sam and Mike because of all the stress. I like to think that it's getting better, but it could be getting worse for all I know. How could I get so worked up about one person? I know in my heart that if I hadn't broke up with Leigh that I'd feel better.

I hate to say it, but I may have to resort to smoking more weed again. I had been quitting too. I had only smoked once a week and I wasn't going to buy anymore... but now? Now it's hard to stay smiling when I'm not distracted... I can't even force myself to do anything. When I'm high it's so much easier to distract myself. I feel so weak as I type this, admitting that I can't make myself happy and that I need a drug to be happy. That's what I want in the end, to be happy. Apparently that's too much to ask for.

I've been thinking about suicide a lot more as well, but I still don't think that I'd be able to go through with that, even now.. as much as I want to. I fear death to much to kill myself, and I don't want to be dead... I want to be happy. I'm sure the thoughts of death will continue, but I [hopefully] won't do it.

You know, I try to imagine me being with someone else, anyone else that I know currently... I can't really imagine it. I then imagine a life with you and it seems so wonderful... I'm such a fucking faggot, haha.

Writing this has made me feel better.

I love Leigh, I can't deny that. I know she loves me back too. But thinking that we may not be together crushes my heart and soul and causes me to shutdown. Weak, but it's truth. It's like... we have our physical bodies, and our "soul" bodies... My soul body has his arm extended, feeling for a hand to hold, and there isn't one. I'm searching for your hand, and once my soul body has your hand in his then it will be OK. But right now I'm freaking out because I can't find you. It's like when you said "I still love you as much as I did before you broke up with me." and I felt like my soul body had found your hand again. I just have to think about that. I obviously think too much though. Haha, yeah, I do believe we're soul mates.

I realized that sometimes I say "Leigh" rather than "you" and vice versa. I should just start always saying "you" because it's not like anyone else is going to read these.

I still have that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach though. =/

Thoughts #15

I freaked out at work today. I was upset when I left, and I knew that it wasn't going to get better for a couple hours. I ended up simply forgetting to write a license plate number down, to know what car to give the food to. I couldn't stop shaking, and when that happened I ended up slamming my fists down on the counter in front of the drive-thru drink machine. The girl I was working with turned around, startled... I think I scared her a little. Oh well, I get better as the night went on, then worse again but that doesn't matter anymore. I'm just glad I get to work with Nico tonight, he always distracts me and makes me laugh so I'm not upset.

You know, I still am kind of working toward getting Leigh to come to Canada. Is that bad of me? It's still all I want, because I feel that she's the only one that will make me feel complete. Except it doesn't seem like it's going well. I'll keep trying though. I want that happiness back.

Thoughts #14

"Even if I do decide never to be with you again, we could still be really good friends and do the same shit. You forever loving me and me forever being bi-polar over you."

I don't think this is wonderful. I'm not even sure why you would say that to me. I love you, and I love being with you. In my head, I knew I fucked things up but I think that maybe in another year things will be back to normal, we will actually be together and we'll live happily ever after. I don't think I could ever just be really good friends with you and... not be with you. I imagine marrying you one day and when you say that my heart feels like it's being ripped out of my chest and punched into my stomach. You know, I'd love for us to be really good friends and all that but every time I see your picture, I can feel the butterflies in my stomach... I don't think that's a feeling friends get over each other.

Fuck, I'm just so upset and this didn't help at all. I'm glad you're doing well, I truly am.

Thoughts #13

I've moved into my new place with Sam and Mike. They're nice and I get along with them, except there's not a lot of room so I sleep in the basement. I have yet to really unpack anything... I'm not sure why, I just don't really feel that "I'm at home" feeling. Then again, I didn't really have that feeling when I was living with Max either. No matter, I feel like maybe my life is going well again, I certainly can't complain much. I love you.

That's all. <3

Thoughts #12

[Note: In this blog, I kinda just write as I think, so I may be all over the place... and I may not make sense sometimes.]

I think the way you said goodnight solidified my thoughts. We were having fun watching anime... I didn't think much of it, I was just glad to have you kind of back. At least in my life. Then something changed and it wasn't the same, I started thinking and I realized through the lack of messages and... ARGH. I wonder if it was something I said, I wonder if there was a way I could have fixed something. I thought maybe it was getting a bit better but now I am unsure. I could always be thinking too much. My thoughts are so scrambled right now, I don't know where to start and where to end. Was it the show that was making me feel that feeling in my gut, or was it the fact that I was watching the show with you? I wonder if you've even read a single one of these blog posts... I compare the episodes of Junjo to what occurs in my life, obviously... I couldn't help but think of you. I know, this isn't a very organized blog post but whatever. It really was nice to do something with you, it was amazing, just not near the end. I got this feeling in my stomach that something was wrong, but I had to give it one more episode just to make sure. Unfortunately, I was right. I think maybe I just need to sleep before I really break down. All these thoughts are making me crazy, and I was just starting to feel better. I fear that it is to cut you out of my life completely, but I won't accept that. I can't. I won't allow it to be. If there is anything I learned from watching Junjo just now, it's that I have to wait if I really love you. And I know I do. It may hurt now, I may be stupid, but I'll do anything for you.

I've thought about dating, and I probably will, but I can't imagine myself being with anyone else besides you for the rest of my life. I got this girl's number last night... weird, I know. It's the first time I had ever done that. I was really happy, I felt like I had accomplished something, I felt like I was on top of the world. Then I thought about the future. In the few moments I had known this girl, I knew she wasn't the one. I thought of you, how perfect you were to me. A lot of people go on dates so they can meet "the one" but I've already met mine. So what's the point? Boredom? I'm going to continue this whole "meeting people" thing because it keeps me occupied, but whenever I really look into them, it just doesn't seem like it would ever work out in the long-run. But then I think of you and I can't control myself. You're the best I ever had and I threw you away. How foolish could I possibly be?

I know you're having a hard time, but I feel like I'm being tortured. I feel like this isn't fair to me. You may not agree, but I hope you can see it from my perspective. Always logging on, seeing your face, missing you, wanting you. Do you feel the same way? I want to ask you every day if you think about me... If you are feeling the same way I am feeling right now. I know I'm most of the blame for what I am going through, but I just feel...  I don't know the word. I want to be a good person and say that it is all my fault and that I'm sorry, and I am. I'm truly, deeply sorry. But maybe you should be sorry too. I know I can't dictate what happens between us, and I'm fine with that, but I don't know what to do. I can't even think of the options that are possible because we aren't talking...

I could always just remove you from my life completely and move on and hope to find someone as amazing as you, but I really can't even see that as an option. I really do NOT want that. Maybe we could start over, talk again, I'm not even sure if that's possible though. All I know is I want you in my life. There's no way around it, unless of course you told me that you wanted to sever all ties with me and move on with your life... but I really hope that you wouldn't destroy me like that. Today I thought would be some progress, since we watched some anime and bonded a little more... I felt closer to you than I have in the last week. Everything was looking up and then near the last couple episodes, it went back down and I feel back where I was. Another option is to just be as close to friends as we can be until this is sorted out and we can be together, but of course, I don't know how that'd work out either. I want something so that I can have you in my life, for you to be happy and continue to work on college and everything else excluding me, and for me to also be happy and continue to work on whatever goals I decide on... But I want you, there's no doubt about it.

I'm not sure if I covered anything, I'm not sure if I worded any of that very well... I suppose if you're confused about any of it, or think I may have said something odd or that I may not have meant, then you could ask me. My thoughts are just a blur and I'm too upset  right now. As I said on Skype, I feel like Hiro.

Anyways, I should probably get some sleep... I should've been in bed hours ago, I just... wanted as much time with you as possible. I love you. Goodnight.

Thoughts #11

You know, I really should have removed you from my "Close Friends" thing on facebook where I get all your shares straight to my notifications... Well, 'cause now I know you're online... and now I wanna talk and play Skyrim and be all happy with you.

Too bad I screwed that up. >.> Y U SO DUM DOOBIN? 'Cause I has penis, Doobin :(

Thoughts #10

I've been wanting to put more and more into my videos... So much that I'm tempted to start a new YouTube account with a partner and create it all professionally and shiz. Well, by professionally I mean choose a great name, get the background/intros all set up before hand... but then I realized, who would this be with? I would want this to be with someone I can live with or at least be around all the time. Then it hit me... College. If I went to college for what I want, which would be video editing, production, voice training, and other classes that I still have yet to look up, there would be so many people around [in all those classes] who would be interested in maybe starting a gaming channel with me. I also want to learn how to animate and photoshop because if I could do those then all my ideas could maybe be brought to life.

Now all I have to do is follow through with all of this. I have to save money, maybe get my driver's license, find all the classes, get loans from the government, move to the city, and really get into it. Talking about all of this makes me think back to when you were choosing between your career and me... I know that right now we are technically split up, but I don't feel like it very much. I still love you more and more every day. I want to talk to you every day. A couple days ago I saw you were playing Skyrim and I really wanted to call you and play with you, but I knew I couldn't.

Anyways, I do want to go to school and do something productive rather than continue to work at McDonald's... of course I'll still work, but I want to do something I love... which is you ;) Well, and making people happy with my video game videos. This'll work out, I just have to WANT it.

Happy Valentine's Day

Realizing I don't want you gone
I want you here, closer than before
Tears roll down my cheeks
Since I crave you so much more

Feeling ripped apart, only half myself
Constantly thinking, where am I?
I want to be with you, you're my only help
And never again leave your side

The distance, so far, so crippling
Such a large obstacle to leap
So here I am, my soul dwindling
Locked inside my mental keep

You rescue me, make me complete
Our souls are split no longer
The passion, the flame, the heat
Our love can only grow stronger

Teetering on the rope of life
You had kept me balanced
Takes so much strength and might
You made it all so less tense

I just want you here, not far away
That burden I cannot take
My other half, lost in the fray
Across a giant lake

I don't want you to be over there
I need you here sooner
You are the best thing in my life
I think, what am I to her?

Am I your everything
As you are mine
Without me, lost
forever in time?

Soul mate, soul mate, please come to me
I cannot bear being away from thee
No one else could ever possibly
Be better for eachother to see

So I wish you'd be my Valentine
No one else I want more
Be with me for all time
No longer my heart be torn

Nearly as cute as you...

http://www.wimp.com/babyfox/

This is how I make you feel, right?

http://www.wimp.com/happyfox/

Thoughts #9

Work has been crazy. I almost didn't have enough hours this week and then they decided to call me in for two shifts. That's not the crazy part, though. Just lots of work has been crazy. I have a couple days off, luckily then 2 more overnights.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I want Leigh to be my Valentine, but I'm not sure if that'd be appropriate. I'm not even sure if she is reading these. Alas, I'll probably still send her a message or something. I love her even if I'm an idiot for breaking up with her. I am feeling a lot better about it all though.

Yesterday was the first time in a week that I had smoked any weed and it wasn't even that great. As soon as I run out, I'm probably not going to purchase any for a while. On top of that, it will probably be a while until I run out at this rate. Why would I smoke weed if it's not doing anything for me? It used to make me happy, help me with my emotions, but now I'm OK. So bai bai weed.

I'm talking to my Dad.

I can't even type. I think you know what I'm talking to my Dad about if I'm this upset.

Thoughts #8

I realized tonight that I love Nico and I love spending time with him. I worked with him and I hadn't in a while, I enjoyed myself a lot.

I'm feeling slightly better, I hope it lasts. <3

Thoughts #7

I guess this is kind of a good thing, I just wish I didn't overreact and freak out when it happened. It's making me realize that I miss the physical attraction of a relationship. Quite a bit. It's also made me realize that I don't love anyone nearly as much as I love you.

I want to go to school as well. For video production, editing, voice training... Something to do with radio or video production. Obviously to go along with my YouTube videos. School costs money. Money that I had specifically put aside so that you could come here. Yes, I still want you to come here, above all else. But I've been craving school for a long while. I may also go for some sort of creative writing course, I would very much enjoy that as well.

All these things I would talk about with you, but I cannot.... yet.

While at work last night...

Well, I kind of broke down multiple times. I kept returning to the dream in more vivid detail, couldn't keep my mind off you. I'm fine now, which is what is important, but I enjoy NOT being like that.

I miss you, Leigh. This is the worst decision I've ever made. I want you.

Dreaming of you

I just woke up and I had a dream of you, Leigh. We finally met. You looked so beautiful.

I'm trying to remember how it started, but I can't recall. First, I had finally got to visit you. I was in what I assume was your house, although I've never seen it. Your mum was there and so were you and I. You were having renovations done so there was a hole in the floor. Everything gets a little blurry here. I remember something about you possessing an animal but your mum not believing it was possible so she couldn't hear you as you spoke. Eventually, we left and you came with me to Canada.

It was you, myself and my dad and we went camping. My dad was trying to teach me stuff that I didn't care about or couldn't do well and I freaked out at him. I'm not sure if I resolved anything with him. I then heard about this woman who was taken, it was my friend's girlfriend. I was in his body and I ran over and found her, half her jaw was off her face and she was dying. She was beat to death. I'm not sure what that had to do with anything.

After finding that body, I realized I hadn't see you for a while so I was worried someone was with you. I knew someone had taken you. I went looking and asked a man with a beard where the "Winner's Circle" was 'cause I knew you'd be there. I found you laying in the grass making out with another guy. I picked him up by his leg and started swinging him around, and around then flinging him into the forest. I could see he hit the ground hard, he wasn't coming back. I looked down at you, you were wearing light-blue lingerie and your skin was beautifully pale. I laid down next to you, you were so calm... Like you wanted him. I was wondering why you didn't fight back, why it looked like you were enjoying it so much. You told me there was no reason to fight back, he would have just killed me or hurt me. I believed you and we cuddled there, our faces so close our lips touching ever now and again. I wanted to kiss you so badly but I wasn't sure if it was the right moment. I woke up looking into your deep blue eyes.

Thoughts #6

All these "Thoughts" posts are just thoughts as they come into my head... I'm not sure how many there will be, or how often I'll post them... Most of my thoughts are of you, Leigh. Right now I'm thinking how absolutely worthless I am. The audio on Portal 2 is atrocious. I don't even want to use... I want it fixed! I feel sick to my stomach. You were what I could fall back on... When I failed, I still had you... my best accomplishment. Now I have nothing again. Now I am useless again.

I want to feel better soon.

I want you in my arms soon.

I want to go and cuddle in bed, except I don't want to do it alone. I want you with me.

Thoughts #5

Well, just played Portal 2... it was great. I loved it. Had a lot of fun recording the entire time through, finishing it in one night, and then realizing that my audio was way turned up and made it sound really loud and horrible. Fucking fantastic. Just another thing that I've fucked up this week. When it rains, it pours.

I'm not sure what is wrong with me right now, but I hope it gets fixed... because I hate this feeling of worthlessness.

Thoughts #4

Could it be connected, or just coincidence that I fuck up 2 videos after what happened? So many shitty things are going on and I just can't handle it. I swear, if my work goes horribly this weekend, I'm gonna be too sad for anything. I'm holding it in for now, but I've got to the point where I actually posted a facebook status about it. Usually I don't do that.

I'll be fine, I just need to get my head focused maybe.

Maybe go to school. I really don't know what to do right now. YouTube videos. Go to school for editing, production, voice.... Why don't I do that? It's what I love doing. Entertaining people... Having fun. Being popular [not to sound cocky or anything] but yes, all of that.

I need to write more blogs, obviously.

Thoughts #3

After talking to Mark, I feel quite a bit better.

I was a complete and utter fool. At this point, I just want Leigh to feel better so that we can go back to being what we were before. No, not even that. Something better. I wish I could go back in time...

But I can't have regrets.. I have to look forward and be happy for now.

I love you, Leigh. I can't wait to be with you...

Thoughts #2

The more time passes, the more I want you back.

I love you and I miss you.

I want you.

Thoughts #1

I can't get you out of my mind, Leigh. I know we broke up, however temporary, but I miss you. I love you so much and I just want you here so that this could be different.

I feel somewhat incomplete, but I'll be fine. <3

Personal Post # 1 - Weird Events

Note: Just in case you didn't catch on Devin, the blogs called 'Personal Blogs' are about you-know-what, and you'd probably go immensely and unreasonably AWOL again, so before you provoke my current anger by blaming me for future AWOL'ness I suggest you leave this page immediately. Love, Leigh.


I wasn't sure what it was at first, however it didn't bother me to a point where I had to know immediately. But I was curious. I think the only thing I saw was a flame bearing stick held by a shadow; doesn't that explain enough? I wanted, still want to, know about the past and how I can gain knowledge of these possible powers that I may or may not possess. At any rate, I wasn't going to let the internet sway my current solid opinions; opinions that I had developed over the years and had created my own logic for them.

Speaking of opinions from the internet, I found a page. On this page it gave me information that we all have souls, and once our soul is finished with one body (when we die) it goes into another. That much I can roughly confirm I could believe, and can believe even more so now because my mum and I were talking about it; she brought it up and confirmed these things I had found on the internet. There was another part however... It spoke about how these souls had been there since the beginning and battled for earth. There are 4 stages to the souls development:
- Unsatisfied with Ego-Based (longing for something else)
- Ego-Based consciousness (aware of its releasing emotions)
-  Letting Ego-Based go (becoming your new self)
- Heart-Based (motivated, helping others make transition)

When I read it, I read it as the souls going through these stages through multiple bodies; that is why there was war, slavery etc. in the past. Then I thought about it as a modern day human and realised that the majority of us go through those stages in one human life. We long for something else and for our home, then we grow up a little and discover a new-found power that we abuse, then after we discover no happiness in power we move on and create a family for ourself and in that process we become cleansed of our actions. Then in the last one we are old and wise, giving the younger ones our knowledge to try and get them to move on into a life of final peace and happiness.
Here is the website with all of this information: http://www.jeshua.net/

When I do think of human evolution as a whole, those four stages do seem logical. The first stage was the stage of the cavemen and the shamans, blessing these gods and trying to connect to our 'homeland' again. And then we evolved into greed and power, a world where we took land and claimed it as our own. We created factories for children and worked them literally to death. We took natives and made them our slaves. We segregated, and plagued others with war, destroying our land.
And now, I think that the majority of our world has come to a place where we have new life and new orders. We don't separate ourselves into groups and we try to prevent wars. We give to the poor and try to lead a fair society, aiding charities to help the sick and the hungry. As much as a lot of others feel that the world right now is an unfair place to live in, we're getting to a place where we're actually giving a fuck about others. Looking at the world as a whole, it is probably much better to live in the now.
Maybe that's why others feel an impending doom upon the world and why we're so concerned with the death of our planet or the death of our human race. We're nearly in full circle. We're almost at the point where the cycle had ended and inside we don't know what's going to happen and when it's going to happen. Yes, we're finding our new selves, but I think once we reach that next stage we will realise that we're going back home to our origins. We will realise that it is time to go back home...
Or maybe the end of the cycle leads to a new one elsewhere in the cosmos. Maybe it's the end of the journey upon earth and the start of a new journey. But who knows? No one truly does, unless they're at that final stage already. But I still think that some of the world is still at stage two, and that the rest are at stage three. I do think of shamans and those who are more connected than others and I think they are also at sage three, they're just at a more 'connected' level with nature and everything around them. I get that they don't want to be a part of today's society because it would probably take them away from their full connection; heck if I had a choice, I'd go full shaman. Why don't I, you say? I have other responsibilities and duties to take care of first.

And now let's take it to last night. I didn't do anything special and I didn't meditate for hours on end, it just happened just like it always does. I was relaxing in bed, eyes closed and about to drift off to sleep. Then I started to think about my spirit guide and the last time he/she showed me something. Then I saw, as my eyes were closed, someone fall off of a castle tower.They were tall with a long face and thick fair hair. He wore dark robes, and all I saw was him falling from this tower in fear and the image stopped. So now I definitely know that he is medieval and a male. This is how he died.
I asked him his name, and I got a 'Dol' back with slight murmuring at the end. I think it's Dolce, or something very similar to that. In any case, he responds to Dolce; I don't know whether this is his last name, but I'm assuming so since I can't find anything on the first name Dolce. He also confirmed that he does/did practice magic, which excites me immensely since it's what I was looking for. I think the next step now is to find out how he does it and how I can develop it.
I think I also want to find out why he died that way since I'm getting the feeling it wasn't an accident. From the vibes I was getting from the first image of the flame and the shadow, I think that he was on the run from something, so he might have lived in the time of the suppression of the Druids in Medieval times.

Maybe that's why I want to go to Rome so much... >_> Hmmm.

In any case, it's definitely progress... Thank you Dolce! I look forward to seeing you again sometime soon in the future.

Productivity: The solution to boredom

There haven't been any posts in a while, and I have finally thought of something that I should take down.

I don't know what to do when I'm not working at McDonald's and when I'm not sleeping. I used to play Xbox and record all the time but now I can't do that. I've been waiting to get a new computer, to get new stuff so that I am able to not be bored, but all this waiting seem like a waste of time. Shouldn't I have something productive to do right now? Things that I could be doing? Write? I would play more video games, but if I'm not recording or not playing with friends, it seems rather pointless. I want to do something that will be viewed by others, I guess.Not much I could think of.

I have been thinking about furthering my education, but I don't know what I want to learn. I'm interested in lots of things, but which one the most? Gaming, writing, acting, law, human analysis... How do I know which one is the best for me?

Trying to start a novel seems like a good start. I've enjoyed writing and I've just never pushed myself into writing a story with much length. If this fails? Well, I'll figure that out if I do. The problem is that if I get bored, or have writer's block while I'm writing, I may just stop writing the story. Bad news.

Going back to video gaming, I'd love to record and continue promoting my youtube account, but that will require my new computer. Perhaps also a new TV, HD PVR, and xbox. This is the ideal setup for my recording, but at first I could just do recordings on my computer. I never really got 'bored' of recording, so that is a good thing. I never really worried about whether or not my videos were that good or not, as long as I could get a couple likes on each video, at least I was entertaining some people.

Haven't come to a conclusion yet, but I do know one thing for sure: I have to find something productive to occupy my time. A project, a task, a hobby.

Sleep Diary #2

Friday 31st August 2012


Time I went to sleep: 6:00am (estimated)
Time I woke up: 10:30am (estimated)
Sleep Details: To be completely honest the only thing I can remember about my sleep was constantly waking up every half an hour, and from 10:30am until 4:00pm I was on and off sleeping where I kept waking up every 10-15 minutes. Hardly a satisfying sleep, but I'm not as tired as I was the other day. I was so tired then that I felt like I was ill.
Also, one dream I remember was my Mum and I arguing. Amazing.

Diet: Full bowl of Porridge with 1/3 of a dozen scoops of sugar and a whole chopped banana
         Lasagna (unfinished)
         3 digestive biscuits
         2 cups of Tea (decaffeinated)

Mood: Mood very varied today. Most of the time I was happy as I usually like to stay positive even in a bad situation. The added stress from my Mum yesterday added awkwardness today although  my happiness seemed to have smoothed that out a bit, which I'm glad to say. Got in a rut as I went to town, feeling negative and down, although I cheered up when I came back home.
Stress Details: I felt pretty good when I got up, and I was sort of sociable. However when I went out my mood just dropped like dat monstercat bass. I went to the library and Mark and I spoke, and he made me feel happier. I arrived home and I had a bath. All went well from there.
I need to get up early tomorrow. It's either a forced early sleep or another all-nighter. We'll have to see.

Sleep Diary #1

Since I don't actually have an official diary, I guess this blog will have to suffice for this. I was going to create a new blog on the profile for this, but this is about the Pandasaurs life, and the Pandasaur is currently having trouble sleeping, specifically during the night. So... Here goes...

Thursday 30th August 2012

Time I went to sleep: 11:00am (Estimate)
Time I woke up: 4:20pm
Sleep Details: I woke up several times during this sleep, the only one I can remember was at about midday, and then there were a few after that which I woke from dreams. I can't remember what the dream was about specifically because it's fucking 8:57pm and I'm still so tired. I normally have another 4 hours sleep, even with this insomniac shit.
I couldn't go back to sleep at 4:20pm even though I was still tired, so I went downstairs to get some tea or whatever. I was quite disoriented concerning the time earlier on when I woke up, and I even had trouble just now.
The dream was about-- I can't even remember now, but whenever I try to think about it and remember, I can just see metal. Like, rusty metal bars. Who knows, I just watched Silent Hill and that has a lot of metal shit in it so I may just be confused... I should start writing down my dreams before nodding off again.

Diet: Porridge (chocolate fingers, peanut butter, banana)
        1 1/2 cups of PG Tips 'The Evening One' Tea (decaffeinated)
        2 faggot's with gravy, and mashed potato (unfinished)

Mood: More down than usual due to an event after I woke up. Haven't been wanting to do anything, and I haven't done anything apart from watching a few films. Felt groggy and tired throughout the whole day, almost helpless, and I continue to feel like this. I usually have phases of happiness more than sadness during the day, even with the stress, but for the whole day I've only been happier when I'm talking to a member of the family... Also have a fucking headache, could be due to lack of liquids.
Stress Details: I woke up to a letter from the College, and a further post from the post office to say that I missed a letter that needs to be signed for. Devins not going to be happy when I say this, but hey, nothing could be worse than my parents reaction. So...
I completed my College work a while back, apart from this one piece of work where I guess I was just at the point of giving up. I don't want to act any more, at all. I have no desire to even look upon a fucking script. Something I've wanted to do since about the age of 11, that passion is no longer there. I've realised that the only reason why I wanted to act in the first place was because of the things I saw when watching a film like Bridge to Terebithia, Zathura, Harry Potter, and Avatar. Look at all of those, and tell me that you wouldn't want to experience what they experienced. Something different, something exciting, and I thought that acting could give me that. But now I've realised that it wont, a film or story only gives the audience that true experience. Even with a film trilogy like Lord of the Rings, they filmed in real locations that weren't filled with fake rocks and a plastic background, but you'd be lucky to get a role like that. I'm not dedicated enough or motivated enough to do that, to try that hard.
So why not actually go out there? Travel throughout the actual world where I can get real experience and a real feel of fear or excitement, euphoria and happiness. I want to learn about the world, not some fictional shit or the back-sides end of an east London accent.
That is where I'll get true inspiration and knowledge, and it makes sense once I explain it, but who's going to listen to that? Who is going to truly believe that I was almost scared to take my work in to College because I don't want to be there any more. And the only reason why I'm stressing so much is because I'm stuck between people wanting me to go back to finish the course, myself feeling like shit, and feeling like even more crap because I know my parents just wont accept that I have all of a sudden changed my mind.

It's not like I don't have a plan if I don't go back. I'm going to get a job, I'm going to learn how to cook and spend a good few years with my family, with Jessica and teaching her the things I had a lot of trouble understanding.
I also told Mark that I would call the College today, to talk to Mia. I didn't. The letter said that I had before enrolment to hand in my work, which just leaves me tomorrow. And what the fuck is that letter I have to pick up from the Post Office?

I'm leaving this blog post open until midnight.

Update (9:40pm): There was something I forgot to mention. I usually don't go to sleep until about 1-2 in the morning, that was before I couldn't sleep during the night. And now it's from about 3-4 in the morning where I start to feel really anxious in my room. Since I didn't have the laptop, I usually distracted myself with TV, drawing, or writing. But sometimes I couldn't avoid that anxiety, and it just felt like something was there. Probably sounds weird to Devin, but Mark or my parents would understand that. I'm not sure what it is, but I don't like it. I think that's where trouble sleeping during the night came from.

Due to the stress over the day, my periods gotten slightly heavier, even though it should be almost finished. Great.

There's also something else I've just remembered, which ties in with the disorientation, and I don't want to change anything of the above. I had read the letter before I went to sleep at 11am, not after I woke up at 4:20pm. Fucking mind. Then again I had stayed awake about 4-5 hours longer than usual, and had less sleep. The lack of sleep and slightly more stress than usual might just be getting to me a bit. I'll try to sleep earlier... Mum has also been suspiciously nice. Maybe she just thinks that I'm ill, or just hasn't read the letter yet. Fuck my whole entire life.

Simple Blog Post

Not too sure if we just had an argument, but I know that it's just because I'm an idiot, like always.

The reason I feel the need to write a blog post right now is because how angry I got, I wanted to punch the wall beside me. I always knew that the smallest thing would set me over the edge but that thing CANNOT be part of this relationship. I can't allow myself to become that angry that I could snap, not with Leigh. I love her way too much to have this anger inside of me, able to come out in front of her. She doesn't deserve my anger, she deserves my love, and she has that. I need to rid myself of this immense anger. I'm not sure how I can, I'm not even sure IF I can.

I will try my best... for her. I just want to be good enough for her.

Breaking Down and Tired

It's been a while since I've last posted... Be right back, I have to do some laundry.

Alright, the laundry is going and now I am back writing this post. I'm not sure what exactly to tell you except that I am quite messed up. My emotions are overflowing to the point where I am getting very upset over the tiniest things. League of Legends, for instance.

In this strategic game, I am either feeling my own guilt which turns into depression or anger, or I am angry towards my team. I will get angry at myself when I die in a stupid way and that's basically it. Now, that happens a few times but it's nothing I can't handle. Occasionally I have a death streak and get pissed off, but oh well. What angers me even more is when we have to surrender because our team is doing somewhat bad.  This is often when I'm playing with Nico, to be honest. He doesn't see the point in continuing to play if the odds aren't in our favour Now, must of the time he is correct and we will more than likely lose and he surrenders at 15 minutes in and I get upset. I don't get upset that he wants to quit, it makes me upset that he forces ME to quit. I don't care if we're down just a few kills, I'm going to keep trying and keep playing. Games are supposed to be about fun and when he rages about me not surrendering ASAP, or when Alex rages over kill steals, it pisses me off. I think I may just stop playing with them as much, or maybe as soon as they start to rage, I'll stop playing with them for that time period. That may bring my "stress" down, or whatever I'm calling this.

I'm pretty fucked right about now, it's 4:45am and I have to work at 11am. There isn't any possible way that I'll get to sleep tonight. I'm going to have to pull through and stay awake. I guess I'll stay up and leave rather early so I can go to the bank, get a new debit card, take out money for rent, buy an energy drink, work until 4pm, buy more energy drinks and then stay up and play LoL with Jared and Nico and whoever else. Yes, this is my plan... My stupid, stupid plan. You may be wondering why I can't just get 5 hours of sleep, eh? Well, maybe I'll be able to. It kind of depends when my laundry finishes, since I just put it on. I procrastinated doing laundry and now I have to switch it over because it won't dry if I switch it when I wake up. If it finishes quickly enough, maybe I'll switch it over and get a few hours of sleep, but I'm really worried that I won't wake up... I think I'd rather be dead tired than miss my shift and get in shit.

I hope I'll be able to do this. This is worse than going to work high. Let's just hope that I don't break down at work again, 'cause I really hate when that happens.

The only time I really don't break down is when I'm talking to Leigh... Perhaps I can just always be with her and I will never stress out. Yeah, that sounds like a great cure. <3

Feeling Sentimental?

I think I want it to be a Tragic Fantasy. It sounds so, for want of another word, magical. I can just imagine nothing else but that one story that I started where this little girl was abandoned on a world with almost noone and nothing but her imagination to keep her company. Like a heaven, light and quiet. And even though this is such a beautiful place, so many bad things have happened to her. That story is a lot like the one on Clannad, except mine has a lot more happening in it, however it's just a side-story in Clannad so it's very simple, which is nice.
However, I know that if I make it a Tragic Fantasy, then he has to die in the end, and everyone but him has to know that he dies. But maybe if I make the story really happy, then it'll be worth killing him off in the end. I was going to kill him off anyway, but there was going to be a 'revival', but that would just be too predictable and cliche. Staying young would be nice too, it would give him that element of innocence, even though it gets really dark. He could still have those moments of innocence throughout the Trilogy, but I guess I'll have to figure out how to do that along the way.
He's at a typical age where things always happen in books too. Maybe I should make him a bit younger? Although, I've changed the plot slightly and I don't want him to 'change' at such a young age I don't think.

Just to think, this boy has been a part of my life since I was almost twelve, and he's still here to this day. He's one of the few characters that have been there all the way through. And although I regret that I must change his whole name because of some sort of plot twist that I added, I think the major changes were for the best. After all I was eleven, so you can't expect my writing to be as good as publishing standards.

A Tragic Fantasy does sound just so wonderful. I think I'll go with that since I've been very unsure of what genre I should put it under ever since I started it.

It's 5:51am - I'm Getting Really Tired.

I guess that the only time where you can go back to something that once was, whether it is something that you miss in life that you know you can get back but you're just a grasp away from catching it, is by reliving what once gave you that motivation to do it in the first place. For me, those times flip-flopped in and out of misery, uncertainty, but creativity. Just like all those years ago, I sit on my windowcill at a rediculously early time in the morning to smell the cool air that you can only experience at this time of day, and write. Although I'm not able to sit as comfortably as I once could, it is nice to have that feeling once again. Like always, hanging out of the window is my inward way of wanting to go outside, however it may not be advised at this early hour.
I want to find a way back to that creativity without having to experience that misery and uncertainty again. I suppose I always got that inspiration from the Stanislavski methods of acting, except I was young then so I only recognized it as the routines of realist actors such as Robert De Niro where they would live their character so that they may understand it better.
In just a few hours I've come to the revelation that you don't need to live a character to understand them. You don't have to go to such measures to know how they feel or what they would do in certain situations. You don't have to live the life, you only have to experience it. Why push yourself in to wanting perfection, forcing yourself to live in their world at your own suffering, when you can live it freely and understand that human being by becoming yourself within them? Understanding yourself within them.
And just to create a character to use within a story, I would go to the same lengths and get a fantastic result. I'm not contradicting myself when I say that the Stanislavski methods are epically amazing. I was once creating those characters like they were real, making them live their lives and develop habits like any other human would. But at what cost? I great one, I must add. So what would you then do to prevent the awful outcomes of this absurd creativity? At the moment, I'm not sure, and it may end in disaster just like every time I've done this. But this time I know that I can change the outcome somehow.
I will research and read and watch and think and develop so that maybe the methods do not have to carry so strong. However, I would do anything to get a good story going. It's my passion.

I've only just realized it. But yes, writing is my life-long passion.

All in a days work

I woke up yesterday morning feeling fine, but somehow may turned into absolute shit. I started feeling sad for no reason which really sucked because there is no way to cure that sadness other than distraction and I was too bored to be able to do anything. So, I sat around all day feeling sad and waited to go to work at 8pm. I started walking to work just before 7:30pm and when I got to work, my mood changed.

I started working and I felt better. I was distracted by work and I started to be happy that I got to talk to people, have fun and make money all at the same time. My night had finally started to get better and then Jared, one of the managers [and a really cool, awesome guy], asked me if I wanted to stay later to help out. I, of course, said yes and I was thrilled! I didn't want to go home, worried that I was just going to slip back into my bored sadness. So, I worked some more and then Wilfred came in from the back and was talking about a seagull being in the grease trap outside beside the dumpster. They asked me if I wanted to go try and get it out...

Of course I wanted to get the seagull out and to safety! I love animals too much, I 'spose. I put on these long green gloves and went out to save the bird. We got to the grease trap and opened it up and there it was, a seagull absolutely drenched in grease and I could see it had blood coming from it's eyes and from it's beak. I was heartbroken. I slowly put my hands into the grease, not to splash the bird, and tried picking it up. It took a few tries, but eventually I got it out and held it over the grease trap so some of the grease could drip off. We had no idea how long it was in there for, but it didn't matter to me, I wanted to save it nonetheless. We tried rinsing it off with some warm water, but it didn't help much, we needed soap. I ran over to the store and asked them if they had any grease-fighting dish soap and they did. I bought the soap and told the customer behind me and the cashier what had happened. They wished me luck and I ran back to McDonald's. Jared was just coming out with more water and I poured some soap in. Jared also gave me some gloves so that I didn't get my hands all full of disease and grease and stuff... The gloves didn't help much. I put the bird into the bucket of soapy water and started washing it, trying to avoid getting any in it's eyes. It didn't fight back and I cleaned it as best I could... When I let it out of the bucket, it started walking around but it couldn't fly at all. It couldn't even get over the curb. We didn't know what else to do so we put it back in the little walled in area with the dumpster and hoped it would dry off enough to be able to fly, or at least have a fighting chance in the wild.

We went back inside and got back to work, I was cleaning up front. Before I knew it, I was alone up front and I was taking orders for drive-thru and taking payment as well. It was the first time I had ever had to do that. I took one order no problem, but then another came and I could barely understand the woman. I took the order as best I could and turned back to the kitchen. I had to wait for the food and I wasn't sure if I was doing anything right, nobody was there to tell me... I started to worry, I started to panic. I asked Jared over the headset to come up front. He then asked me what was wrong and I told him I didn't want to say over the headset. He finished up a couple things, and while I waited for him, my breathing became irregular, my hands started to shake and I could tears collecting in my eyes. He then came up to me and asked what was wrong. I started crying and breathing heavily, telling him I was having a panic attack. He got a really concerned look on his face and told me to go to the crew room and sit down, he then got me a bottle of water and I went to the crew room. I sat down and put my head in my hands and began crying more, shaking more and breathing heavily. I don't know what happened, but I just snapped and couldn't take it. After a little while, Jared checked up on me and I said I was okay so he went back to finishing up the orders and getting things done. Once the orders were done, I was more calm. I mean, I wasn't crying and my hands had stopped shaking somewhat and I was breathing somewhat normally. I told him I wanted to go back to work, I didn't want to go home. I got up and was walking to go back to work but I just couldn't continue. I stopped and began shaking more, my breathing was irregular again and I started crying. I turned around and said to Jared, "On second thought, could I go home?" as the tears began rolling down my cheeks again. He said yes, so I went into the change room to change my shirt. I sat in there for maybe 5 minutes, crying, trying to calm down. I changed my shirt and then went out the back door, saying goodbye to Jared. I was going to go home and feel better.

I didn't want to go home. I got halfway through the parking lot and I couldn't do it. I started crying more, shaking and I had to sit on the curb. I sat there, thinking, doing nothing for over half an hour. I couldn't walk home, I didn't want to, something wasn't right with me. Jared came out later and was asking me if I was okay, I told him I was and that I was just thinking. He wanted to call me a cab, but I said no. After our conversation, he went back inside and I got up. I started walking home but before I was leaving the parking lot, I stopped. I turned back and started walking towards where the dumpster is, where the bird was.

I opened up the big door and there it was, laying there, not moving. It wasn't dead, it just didn't have the energy to move. We had given it a muffin but it didn't look like it had been eaten. I kneeled beside the bird, trying to give it water, feed it some muffin but there was no use. I picked up the bird and brought it outside, placing it under a tree. I then got my stuff and sat beside the bird. I pet it, wishing there was something more I could do, but there wasn't. The wind was pretty cold, even for me so I started thinking how the bird felt. I tried moving it behind the tree so it didn't get as much wind hitting it... I laid my hand on it's back, feeling the slow breaths of the bird. I was hoping my hand could give it some warmth or some sense that it wasn't alone in it's final moments. A few times the bird's breathing was so slow, I thought it had passed away, but the breathing started up again and so I continued to sit there with it until it's final moment. At around 2:50am the bird didn't even have the energy to keep it's head up, it laid it's head down and I thought it had died, but I could still feel it's breath. I sat there, sometimes crying, sometimes sighing and at one point I said to the bird, "I hope that whatever afterlife there is for you, is better than this life was. I'm sorry it had to be this way, I wish there was something I could do." I kept apologizing to the bird. I was trying my best, but it wasn't enough. Jared came out a little before 3am to check on me. Wilfred had been apparently keeping an eye on me whenever he went out for a cigarette. Jared started talking to me about death, about me losing pets or people, I told him about Loren somewhat. I talked to him, it made me feel slightly better, but I couldn't help but cry more as we talked. Around 3am, I had my hand on the bird's back and I felt it's final breath leave it's body. I turned to Jared, with tears in my eyes and told him that the seagull was dead. I sighed, standing up and picked up the bird. I walked with it in my hands over to the tall grass and walked in a little bit before lying it down. I sighed again and walked back inside with Jared. I washed my hands twice and then Jared asked if I wanted to sit in the office with him while he did paperwork. I still didn't want to go home, so I agreed. We talked for about 15 minutes and it was good, it helped. He finished his paperwork and I was finally leaving work. I said goodbye and thanked him for everything. I also apologized, I think.

Anyways, I walked home and didn't go to sleep for a couple hours. I dozed off maybe once or twice but I couldn't actually sleep. Or perhaps I just didn't want to sleep completely. Not too sure because at that point I was so tired that I can't really remember anything beyond that point now.

After all this, all I wanted was to talk to Leigh because she can make me smile even after all of this. She is amazing like that. <3.

Happy Birthday (Read together this time?)

It's weird when we argue, even though we've only argued two or three times. Then again, I've only been on one side of the argument. I've always been the one that brings up the issue, the one with the issue, and it seems like he never has any issue. This makes me glad, because I'm usually the one that causes all of the trouble in a relationship, but it also makes me think that Devin isn't thinking about the things that aggravate him, those little things that I perhaps do that displease him. I know that he tries his best to keep away from arguments, and I guess that after our last argument, he knows that it's fine to argue because we're not normal. It's true, we don't argue like a normal couple.
I get angry to a point where I mention the problem, which is usually something he is doing that reflects off of something that he has done. And then the actual argument starts, and he defends himself which he should rightfully do, because you never know, one day I might be wrong. Then he says something that is stupid, which is usually the case, and me being me I think it's adorable and soften up a bit. He takes me so seriously during arguments anyway because I'm very blunt and I swear a lot, and sometimes I forget to show him that I'm still happy, even though there's something that's bugging me. I am always happy, and he needs to know that too, even if I do seem really mad or upset at him - I still love him just as much as I did before the argument, and it wont change after either.
He gets so emotional during arguments too, it seems. Even though it's a small issue, he gets himself so wound up because I seem so angry. I don't know why but he always seems so off-guard aswell. He should know by now that an argument is bound to get mentioned after it seems like I have an issue, but I'm making a joke of it constantly. However this isn't the case all of the time, so I don't think that should be a guideline of my emotions and actions.

I used to be known as 'The Mystery' to people online and at school, so he should be glad that I changed for him, without even realising. I've surprised myself by how much I've changed emotionally and mentally. I've even gone out of my way to change myself physically, and I've never done this for anyone else my entire life, no matter how much I tried. He's changing too, and I see that. It's not like it's in a bad way either. Like I said to him; What we're doing is driven by one another, but the only person who is going to benefit out of it all in the end is ourselves.
He also seems worried about something about him, although he hasn't told me about this. Although I'm very anxious to know, and sometimes I find myself pushing him to find out what it is. I know how this feels. I don't know exactly what this problem is, but maybe it's something that is haunting him, and has been for a while. It's like a weight that seems to stop you from doing what you really want to do, and you're scared how it will affect you and those around you, close to you. You're scared of it, and it seems like you can't get rid of it... Whether this be an emotion, a happening, a memory, it seems it can take over in an instant.
I've been through something like that, and I've only just gotten over it. It's only been a year since I had to deal with it, and some nights I even find myself reliving it.
My childhood was taken away by it, just by the thought of it. Most of it was my fault, due to the fact that I was stupid enough to try and deal with it on my own. Sure I could deal with it to the point where I could temporarily sort it out for a month or so without killing myself over it... No, Devin doesn't know what happened to me, and he doesn't need to know, just like I don't need to know about his past. But if he's going through something at this very moment, then the best thing you can do is tell someone that you know will make a difference. For example, all I had to do was tell my parents, the last people that I wanted to know, and that fixed my problem in an instant.

The past does not define you, but it moulds you, and shapes you in to the person that you are today. Neither does it represent what you will become in the future, because that's a mystery that will only unfold in time.

By the end of our arguments, we're neck high in smiles and laughter. That's why we're not normal. I've known couples that are neck high in anger by the end of arguments. That's not what arguments are about, they're about recognising the problem and finding a way to resolve it, like what my parents have always done. And look where they are 26 years later in the marriage - Still happily married.
I hate it when people assume I'm really angry with Devin. They misinterpret my anger. I'm never angry with Devin, I'm angry with the problem. The problem is just usually something that Devin does, so it seems like I'm angry with him, when actually they have it all wrong. For example, the first time I got really angry and I told Mark about it, he didn't even want me talking to Devin because he thought that I would start shouting at him to a point where it might damage our relationship. Also, recently, where I've told Josh a problem that I had about moving to Canada, he also thought that Devin and I were going to break up because of it, just because I seemed really angry or upset with him. That's never the case; if anyone says so, even at the time when I seem really angry, I deny it all. I deny that I'm really angry with him, that it's possible that we might break up, because all of that, in my mind, is just pure bullshit. Never angry with Devin, just angry with the problem. Never misinterpret that. Never.

It's not like I planned on having a relationship this soon. Then again you can't really plan something that you don't expect. I tried to delay it, really I did, but something about Devin just drew me to him. No matter how much I tried to dissuade myself from having a relationship, I couldn't. I wasn't planning on having another relationship until I was surrounded by a career, and even then I knew it probably wouldn't work out because my relationships never work out, ever. I was imagining that I'd end up being a single mum with a career. But, the relationship I have with Devin is just unavoidable. Sure, I can create a paper thin wall between him and I while he's away and while I can't speak to him so that I don't miss him too much. I can create that emotional distance with him for a short while so that I can concentrate on other things, but I've never been able to totally friendzone him like I have with so many other guys.
There's usually a concrete wall there so that I don't get hurt, once again, but it's impossible to do that with Devin. Sure, paper-thin will suffice, but when he's there he breaks through like no other has. It's not like he has to try either because he managed to break through that brick wall that I had there for the longest time. It's crazy when I think about it, but it just makes me so happy that I care for him so much, that I want him so much, need him so much, and love him more than I ever thought I could love another person.

In my point of view, it's impossible, but I do; I love you Devin.

Deep Thoughts... While they're still there

I know a few people have been saying to Alex that he needs to get over Brit because they're never going to get back together again, but they need to realise that whether Brit was a rebound relationship or not, Alex had, and still has, feelings for her. If it was that bad of a rebound then he wouldn't be so choked up about it. But he is, so there's obviously something there between them, whether some people like it or not.
Alex and I aren't best friends, but we have been talking alot lately and it sucks seeing him get this upset. He can't even speak to her for christ sake. Time is always a healer, and he's going to feel better about this eventually, but the fact is that he's upset now, and I know that I've had to get over the most traumatic things in my life without telling anyone about them, scared that I wouldn't get that support that I needed just because it's over a guy or another girl.
Things will be okay though. Things will always turn out for the better, and I'm glad that Alex can be happy because the only times that should matter are when you're smiling. You can't avoid the tragic things that happen in life, and they can't be ignored either, but I know that I always try to be happy because I know that whatever happens in my life, I have another chance to make things right. It's what makes us emotionally and mentally stronger as human beings. Even if it just means that my smile is passed on to another for a single moment, something is being done to make those around me happier with their lives.

I'm going through a story at the moment. It's about this little girl called Malaika, and the first chapter tells us about the relationship she had with her father, or currently has with him. It's very unclear so far. It's all memories, and it's very light, but you can't really tell whether the memories happened a long time ago or recently because of the nature of the script. I can't really tell where it's going either, it's rather mysterious and vague. But I like it, so I'll put some here.
I always find that it's best to read out loud. Also, here's some music that might make this story mean something >> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8u4VLk0iTI

     She felt the grass between her fingertips; so soft, just like the cool breeze that brushed against her cheeks and flowed through her hair, making each strand ripple like each droplet of water that gently fell into a river. Her expression already soft with the peaceful twinkle in dawns air had grown content, the rise of the side of her mouth created a beautiful smile that could only be triggered by some sort of memory or occurrence. That silk touch against her cheek reminded her of how her father consoled her. A gentle tap on her sweet button nose and a kiss planted upon her forehead.
     He had once told her that there was a land above the land, a place where the grass was tinted a gray-yellow, and a place where you could feel the cool clouds escape through your fingers. This land was the only place where true serenity could be sought and pure peace would be found among conflict that would soon take over,
     'Malaika...'
     Gentle words seeped in to her mind, echo's of reassurance and images of his handsome smile that was square but truthful. His embrace was warm as he whispered sweet lullaby's into her ear. Safe and sound, he always said; safe and sound in prosperity, with no marks to signify the dread of the past. Always looking forward into the dawns misted light, never looking back into the eyes of fear and dead. Fear and dead, never to be seen. Even if you were blind, he said; even if you were blind you would be able to seek this land and feel its presence. It is where we go, it is where we all go. No need to be scared anymore,
     'No need to be scared anymore. Daddy is here, daddy will keep you safe and sound. No one can lay hands upon skin so fine; delicacy, and hand on heart. A precious angel whose soul is kind; shallow waters have never seen such purity in art.'
     She remembered those words and none other before he left. Sometimes she would try to remember if he had once said goodbye to her, that he loved her, but none other than those words spoken could be dreamt up in this lush fairytale. She would dream within dreams of the land above the land, white lights blinding her purity from the dark shadows where nightmares could creep in and steal her away from her memories.
     Her father is the only true man that she had ever known to exist. Gunfire could not drown out his words of wisdom. In the bleakness of December, the ember ashes became flakes of white dust that fell from the sun-beamed sky, and his word would be the last word that existed.


So yeah, that's it, that's the first part of the story. It doesn't seem to have anywhere to go, or rather it doesn't feel like an actual story, but I guess it will have somewhere to go. Enya is pretty powerful, words alone. Words do mean quite a lot, so I like to choose them carefully. They can be misinterpreted so easily, and I try to make my point as clear as possible, whatever that may be. There's always meaning behind everything I write, whether I end up realizing this later on or I have a specific purpose from the beginning. I guess that's why I prefer writing about feelings rather than events, because feelings have so much more meaning unless an event is explained in such a way that a meaning comes from it. It's why I've never been particularly good as writing songs or poems, because my thoughts come out in bounds of descriptive sentences and emotions that can go on for paragraphs and paragraphs. For example, what I'm writing now was originally planned to be a few sentences, and look how descriptive it is now.

I guess I've had thoughts lately that names are pretty powerful too, and you can't really excape the concept of a name because it's something that someone will always remember you by. I thought that Vex would be a perfect name to put on everything. Just because it signified a huge part of my past that changed me extensively, I thought that maybe I could change the meaning of the name in to something positive. What it meant to me was something corruptive and rebellious, and I tried to change that like I was trying to change the past.
I don't want that anymore. I don't want to be known as 'Vex Pandasaur' or 'Vex Skyler'. It's not me, and it never should have been me, and I shouldn't try to make it into something that it isn't. Anyone who isn't myself and one other person wouldn't have a clue as to what I'm talking about, because they weren't a part of what we went through.
My point is that I should start fresh if I want to start fresh concerning College, friends, and even a relationship. I should have done this six months ago when I became someone that I should have been all along, not someone that I was pretending to be. This is me now, and I would have doubts of that if it weren't true. I see reason, and the reason within this is that I can now move on. Even if it's just a silly name that is holding me back slightly, it's still a hold back.

I have another name in mind, it's just something that came to me just as I was about to fall asleep. The best things come to me just as I'm about to drift off. The name is Newpie (Like: *NEW-pea*). It may sound a bit familiar to some as I've been watching a lot of PewDiePie's videos, and I realized this not too long ago, but it actually comes from the word Newb (as in Newbie). That was my first thought when I was thinking about the name. It's really random, and I honestly have as much of a clue as anyone else, but I guess it's cute.
I just think it's funny that Devin had no clue what I was talking about earlier when I mentioned it. I guess the memory was so vivid that I thought I had talked about it before. My near-dream deep thinking isn't usually remembered, so I'm surprised a lot of this has been, because it's just talking about names.

So yeah. Newpie is good enough for a lifetime I guess.

If you have your eyes closed, there's a high chance of injury.

See what I did there? Probably not...


I'm listening to really loud Dubstep and I suddenly have a raging urge to write even though I said I couldn't be fucked five minutes ago. But, you know, I'm totally a hypocrite and all so of course I would contradict everything I say. Mreheh...


In a way, quite a lot has happened over the last few weeks. We had our last big performance of the year before the summer holiday (vacation w/e) and it went pretty sound. Actually, it went amazingly considering the day before the performance was  filled with shit-sticks and dogs bollocks and nobody wanted to do it because they all thought that it would go terribly and that we would be so crap that everybody would just take a dump on the Performing Arts course. They said that the only good episodes were the first Episode because of Anya, and the second episode because of me (totally didn't encourage that B3). The thing that pissed me off was that on the actual day of the performance in the morning, everyone was still whining and bitching about it, and just before the performance half of the girls in the group decided to hate on eachother and start shouting.
To be completely honest I totally nailed every piece of movement and acting technique and just got better every time we did it. Over two nights we did two matinee's and two evening performances. I think that I was more focused for movement in the second matinee because we were filmed, but I just went all out with the acting on the second evening performance because my mum was there (Lawl). It was fun, the experience, in its own special and retarted way. Mark didn't learn all of his lines until the night before the performance, so kudos to him for actually getting off of his butt and trying to make this a success for us.

It was the last day of term before the holidays this week today, and to be honest I did absolutely fuck all. I did a bit of my business, had my ILP meeting with Steph, went to go eat, played online games with Mark, and then pissed around in the IT Suite with the guys from the music course... And rapey George from the Art course (Anya is his girlfriend, and we're best friends, but when he gets rapey it just makes me cringe so much - I hope Devin isn't as rapey as he is *puke*). It's not even a good kind of rapey that you can get away with, it's so touchey and constantly pulling and hugging tightly and craving attention. He's so needy! But I guess she likes him, sort of, so I can put up with it. I never used to talk to George because I wasn't too sure about him and he can get violent, not even in a funny way, but I talk to him now - By talk to him, I mean that I take the piss out of him and the only response that comes out of his mouth is "Fuck you". The only reason why that's so hilarious is because that's all he can say, 'cause inside you know that he is a douchebag son of a pussy with a cunt full of bullshit and a dick full of jizz that will never be shot into Anya's clunge because she's just not that type of girl... That's why it's funny, and that's why I am able to take the piss out of him so much.

I don't want to end this talking about George because that's just gross, so I guess that I could end it on this note:

Devin smokes way too much weed for his own health, and

Devin needs to learn when I'm serious and when I'm being sarcastic. But that's a pretty hard feat, even for myself, so kudos to him for trying anyway.

Life's like a box of PIRANHAS

My eyes are for the heavens above, may they watch over you.
My hands are for your protection, may they combat your enemies.
My lips speak the words that let you know my love is true.
My heart is only for you, even 'til the end of me.

I started writing a blog post and I started to write that. Oh well.

It's a little past 4 AM now and I decided to write something. The blog has been pretty empty with me being a lame writer and Leigh having more important things to do. This post should give you something to read.

Right now a few things are going on in my life:
1. I work at McDonalds
2. In a little more than a week I will have performed a play in public
3. Weight loss
4. Having to get a shift change for the play

Those are the important things for this week although 1 and 3 are always important. The play is okay but I will be glad when it is over. The play tries to be very informative which makes it a little less fun. I mean, sure, I get to chase around an old prostitute, but it's just not the same as other times I have performed. Maybe it's because of the people or it is because the play kinda sucks, either way I can't wait until it's performed and done with. I've nearly memorized all of my lines, about a week before the performances and I think that's a good time to memorize. I don't have many lines, [I think maybe 5 lines plus a monologue?], so all I really have to work on is the monologue. It's a short monologue, but I've barely looked at it. I'm sure it will be done by the time I need to recite my lines.

On another topic, Alex and Brittany broke up. Not much of a shock to me, but it still sucks. Alex seems pretty beat up about it and I really hope he can cheer up soon. I don't really have much to say on the topic of Alex and Brittany so I'm not too sure why I brought it up. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

Now for the most important subject in this entire blog post... Leigh. I think Leigh is the one person that just makes everything better. The play would be better with her in it, McDonalds would be better if she worked there, and I'm much better and much happier with her in my life. I'm looking forward to the day that I actually get to see and touch Leigh. I'd probably cry and break down, but in a good way. I can't wait for December, I really hope Leigh can visit because that would be the greatest Christmas present evarrr!

I've been spending too much money lately, I really need to cut down. I should go to the bank soon and see if I can open a savings account so that I can start really saving rather than just putting money in the bank. I need to slow down on what I buy. I want to buy more weed but I'm going to wait, or at least try to. I could always get a second job, that would help with getting a lot of money. I still have yet to go to the Kenwood Center to see if anyone is starting the U-Haul business again. I have plenty of experience in that so I think if someone is starting that business that I would be a great asset. Plus, the other day, I saw some U-Haul trailers at Kenwood Center so that's another clue.

It's already 4:30 AM now so I think I will end this blog now.

This blog has been more about what is going in my life rather than what is going on inside my head/soul/body. Perhaps my next one will try to help explain what is so messed up about me. :P

This blog is for you, Leigh. I hope you like it, 'cause I sure like you. :3 <3

I desire your smile.

I have a lot of these I'm going to have to confess eventually, I'm not even sure where to start but when I need to say something, I'll be able to. Right now isn't the time though. I have a lot I could tell Leigh but I don't think it's important right now. When it's ready to come out, it will.

Today, all I have to say is that I'm confused and I feel like a jerk for being so stupid. I just want to make Leigh smile and to have her laugh all day, but that's not what I'm doing right now. Not sure what to do.

One thing I do know is that I really like Leigh. She means everything to me and I can't wait to see her, to tell her everything I've been wanting to tell her. To hold her and to kiss her. It will be amazing... If we can hold out that long of course :P <3.