I woke up yesterday morning feeling fine, but somehow may turned into absolute shit. I started feeling sad for no reason which really sucked because there is no way to cure that sadness other than distraction and I was too bored to be able to do anything. So, I sat around all day feeling sad and waited to go to work at 8pm. I started walking to work just before 7:30pm and when I got to work, my mood changed.
I started working and I felt better. I was distracted by work and I started to be happy that I got to talk to people, have fun and make money all at the same time. My night had finally started to get better and then Jared, one of the managers [and a really cool, awesome guy], asked me if I wanted to stay later to help out. I, of course, said yes and I was thrilled! I didn't want to go home, worried that I was just going to slip back into my bored sadness. So, I worked some more and then Wilfred came in from the back and was talking about a seagull being in the grease trap outside beside the dumpster. They asked me if I wanted to go try and get it out...
Of course I wanted to get the seagull out and to safety! I love animals too much, I 'spose. I put on these long green gloves and went out to save the bird. We got to the grease trap and opened it up and there it was, a seagull absolutely drenched in grease and I could see it had blood coming from it's eyes and from it's beak. I was heartbroken. I slowly put my hands into the grease, not to splash the bird, and tried picking it up. It took a few tries, but eventually I got it out and held it over the grease trap so some of the grease could drip off. We had no idea how long it was in there for, but it didn't matter to me, I wanted to save it nonetheless. We tried rinsing it off with some warm water, but it didn't help much, we needed soap. I ran over to the store and asked them if they had any grease-fighting dish soap and they did. I bought the soap and told the customer behind me and the cashier what had happened. They wished me luck and I ran back to McDonald's. Jared was just coming out with more water and I poured some soap in. Jared also gave me some gloves so that I didn't get my hands all full of disease and grease and stuff... The gloves didn't help much. I put the bird into the bucket of soapy water and started washing it, trying to avoid getting any in it's eyes. It didn't fight back and I cleaned it as best I could... When I let it out of the bucket, it started walking around but it couldn't fly at all. It couldn't even get over the curb. We didn't know what else to do so we put it back in the little walled in area with the dumpster and hoped it would dry off enough to be able to fly, or at least have a fighting chance in the wild.
We went back inside and got back to work, I was cleaning up front. Before I knew it, I was alone up front and I was taking orders for drive-thru and taking payment as well. It was the first time I had ever had to do that. I took one order no problem, but then another came and I could barely understand the woman. I took the order as best I could and turned back to the kitchen. I had to wait for the food and I wasn't sure if I was doing anything right, nobody was there to tell me... I started to worry, I started to panic. I asked Jared over the headset to come up front. He then asked me what was wrong and I told him I didn't want to say over the headset. He finished up a couple things, and while I waited for him, my breathing became irregular, my hands started to shake and I could tears collecting in my eyes. He then came up to me and asked what was wrong. I started crying and breathing heavily, telling him I was having a panic attack. He got a really concerned look on his face and told me to go to the crew room and sit down, he then got me a bottle of water and I went to the crew room. I sat down and put my head in my hands and began crying more, shaking more and breathing heavily. I don't know what happened, but I just snapped and couldn't take it. After a little while, Jared checked up on me and I said I was okay so he went back to finishing up the orders and getting things done. Once the orders were done, I was more calm. I mean, I wasn't crying and my hands had stopped shaking somewhat and I was breathing somewhat normally. I told him I wanted to go back to work, I didn't want to go home. I got up and was walking to go back to work but I just couldn't continue. I stopped and began shaking more, my breathing was irregular again and I started crying. I turned around and said to Jared, "On second thought, could I go home?" as the tears began rolling down my cheeks again. He said yes, so I went into the change room to change my shirt. I sat in there for maybe 5 minutes, crying, trying to calm down. I changed my shirt and then went out the back door, saying goodbye to Jared. I was going to go home and feel better.
I didn't want to go home. I got halfway through the parking lot and I couldn't do it. I started crying more, shaking and I had to sit on the curb. I sat there, thinking, doing nothing for over half an hour. I couldn't walk home, I didn't want to, something wasn't right with me. Jared came out later and was asking me if I was okay, I told him I was and that I was just thinking. He wanted to call me a cab, but I said no. After our conversation, he went back inside and I got up. I started walking home but before I was leaving the parking lot, I stopped. I turned back and started walking towards where the dumpster is, where the bird was.
I opened up the big door and there it was, laying there, not moving. It wasn't dead, it just didn't have the energy to move. We had given it a muffin but it didn't look like it had been eaten. I kneeled beside the bird, trying to give it water, feed it some muffin but there was no use. I picked up the bird and brought it outside, placing it under a tree. I then got my stuff and sat beside the bird. I pet it, wishing there was something more I could do, but there wasn't. The wind was pretty cold, even for me so I started thinking how the bird felt. I tried moving it behind the tree so it didn't get as much wind hitting it... I laid my hand on it's back, feeling the slow breaths of the bird. I was hoping my hand could give it some warmth or some sense that it wasn't alone in it's final moments. A few times the bird's breathing was so slow, I thought it had passed away, but the breathing started up again and so I continued to sit there with it until it's final moment. At around 2:50am the bird didn't even have the energy to keep it's head up, it laid it's head down and I thought it had died, but I could still feel it's breath. I sat there, sometimes crying, sometimes sighing and at one point I said to the bird, "I hope that whatever afterlife there is for you, is better than this life was. I'm sorry it had to be this way, I wish there was something I could do." I kept apologizing to the bird. I was trying my best, but it wasn't enough. Jared came out a little before 3am to check on me. Wilfred had been apparently keeping an eye on me whenever he went out for a cigarette. Jared started talking to me about death, about me losing pets or people, I told him about Loren somewhat. I talked to him, it made me feel slightly better, but I couldn't help but cry more as we talked. Around 3am, I had my hand on the bird's back and I felt it's final breath leave it's body. I turned to Jared, with tears in my eyes and told him that the seagull was dead. I sighed, standing up and picked up the bird. I walked with it in my hands over to the tall grass and walked in a little bit before lying it down. I sighed again and walked back inside with Jared. I washed my hands twice and then Jared asked if I wanted to sit in the office with him while he did paperwork. I still didn't want to go home, so I agreed. We talked for about 15 minutes and it was good, it helped. He finished his paperwork and I was finally leaving work. I said goodbye and thanked him for everything. I also apologized, I think.
Anyways, I walked home and didn't go to sleep for a couple hours. I dozed off maybe once or twice but I couldn't actually sleep. Or perhaps I just didn't want to sleep completely. Not too sure because at that point I was so tired that I can't really remember anything beyond that point now.
After all this, all I wanted was to talk to Leigh because she can make me smile even after all of this. She is amazing like that. <3.
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