:)

I feel like such a fucking ass.

THIS SHIT IS FUCKED
ITS FUCKING NOT RIGHT.

I CAN'T FUCKING TELL ANYONE. MY MIND IS TRAPPING IT OFF. MY MOUTH IS FUCKING TAPED UP. I CAN'T FIND THE COURAGE TO JUST BLURT IT OUT.

First off I have this depersonalisation issue.
I can't feel my fucking arms.
They're not there.
My soul is trapped inside a fucking vessel and it tries to leave but it can't because I'm fucking trapped inside of it and there's nothing I can do except eventually snap out of the detachment and get on with the day. It's not fucking fair I tell you. If this ends up as Shamanic Illness I will not be happy. This is not something I need right now. I thought I went through all of the bad shit already, but it's there. My head is fucked up. It's all fucked. I'm so fucking fucked. FUCK.

Then secondly Devin breaks up with me. He loves me, he said. This is not a fucking forever break up, he said. He needs to fuck someone or some shit. He needs to hold hands with someone and kiss them so he can have the satisfaction OF FUCKING BEING WITH A REAL PERSON ON PLANET EARTH. IT DOESN'T EVEN FUCKING MATTER, HE DOESN'T READ THIS SHIT ANYMORE ANYWAY. IT DOESN'T EXIST. I NEED SOMEONE. I JUST NEED SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS. HE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO UNDERSTANDS, AND HE'S FUCKING GONE. THERE IS NOONE ELSE EXCEPT THE DAMN FUCKING SPIRITS. WHAT USE DOES THAT DO?!
THEYRE.
FUCKING.
SPIRITS.
FOR FUCK SAKE.

Then Mark thinks it's an amazing idea to text me saying we should be together because he's having his OWN FUCKING ISSUES WITH A BREAKUP. Just because he's comfortable with the idea of talking about our future kids and calling me Wifey (by the way, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT EVEN ABOUT?!), it doesn't mean I'm up for the idea. I fucking blocked all feelings of romance between us just because every fucking crush I've had on a best friend since I was born went PISS AWFUL. I don't even want to copy out all of the texts he sent me last night. I don't even care if it was a joke or not. It's fucking sick.
I feel so fucking sick.
I'm actually dizzy thinking about all of this.
I don't want to be going through this.
I'm not ready for another upheaval of bullshit like I went through in high school.

I just want to go back. I can handle a little bit of depersonalisation in the fingers or hands. But getting so detached to the point where my arms and body are in a state of nothingness, and getting so far away from reality that it's actually difficult to come back to my body to become human again? I can't fucking do that.
Being broken up with, but not being broken up with?? Remaining exactly how we were, without the label boyfriend/girlfriend. I feel like I can't even talk to him for that reason. I tried, but it was fucking me up. I'm still in shock, probably still in denial about it all. I want to cry so bad, I get so close to crying, but it's either the wrong place and wrong time to cry or the tears subside.

I can't think...

Time still fucking passes though... As if all of this shit isn't happening. I'm having my own personal struggle, and everyone else is going along their merry way. I need help, but there's no human on Earth I know except myself that can understand this fully.

My mind is so full, yet so empty.
My appetite is going zero miles per hour.
My soul and mind are fighting over my body.
Meanwhile my emotions are running rampant, sometimes so rampant that they go the speed of light and it seems like they're not there at all.

I think I'm fine again. It's the first time in a long time I've been like this.
But it's out. It's done.

I don't have to tell anyone.

I'm fine again.