Life and other Shit #1

Her arms weren't there. Or rather, they weren't her arms. Or rather, she felt like they weren't her arms. In fact, it probably actually felt like her body was a vessel, in which her thoughts were just a clump of bubbles inside of her (or it). Her arms, or the vessels arms, were laid out on the dining table in front of her and she looked left and right several times. This was a familiar feeling, something she had only felt in her hands and fingers before. Something about depersonalisation, she thought to herself in remembrance. Eventually she decided to move her index fingers up and down, trying rather lazily to feel like this was actually her body and that she wasn't some poor soul trapped in a chamber. They were like mechanical hands, she thought, strings tethered from her fingertips to her brain as to control them... This was true, to an extent.

It was after this that she remembered that there was a chomped up piece of crumpet in her mouth. She started chewing at it, suddenly feeling like she didn't want it which was unusual since jammy crumpets were one of her favorite evening snacks. She felt it mush up in her mouth, swallowing some. Now she really didn't want any more. So she spit it all out on her plate... Delicious. This really wasn't helping whatever she was going through right now, so she decided to get up and wash the muck away in the sink, watching the gloop swirl around the plug hole. The whole palava really wasn't worth the heaving she felt she was about to endure.

She sat down at the table, looking at the freshly lain wallpaper on the wall. In that moment she felt like she was going to cry, and she wanted to. She wanted so badly to cry. So she closed her eyes and readied herself for the biggest sobbing of her life. But as she did, the tears that began to well subsided and a very small smile spread across her lips. That was the pattern over the last few days, almost like a rule; you have no time to cry, there's no point in it. So you can have a few seconds of potential tears and you're done, you hear me? At least, that what she assumed was going on in her brain. She didn't really understand it, but it always happened no matter how much she tried to let it all out.

"Crap." She announced to herself in a whisper, letting out a long and frustrated sigh, "Maybe next time."