I know it'll be at least a year minimum until I actually have to think about this, but I'm actually worried about moving out and moving to Canada. I've only been thinking about it for the last few days, but it's been on my mind quite alot and I don't really know how to resolve this just because I've never been in this position before. I've never been in this state of mind where I've actually thought about moving out seriously.
Yeah there might have been a time when Emma, Mel, Grace and I were talking about getting an apartment together in London after College, but I've finally learned that that's never going to happen, not even if I still really wanted it to... I'm not going to talk about Emma anymore, just because of the fact that it makes me feel like crap. A tonne of memories just came flooding back of how I used to daydream about us two being in the apartment together and cuddling just like a real couple. It was never going to happen or carry on the way it used to, and I need to get over it... Fully. It's childish to hang over a 'break-up' or 'separation' that was my choice, and it was my fault to begin with because I was the one that fell for her.
Going back to the main subject - I'm worried about moving to Canada (If I do move to Canada). What kind of job opportunities are there for my line of work? Will it be as good as London? Will I get the chance to go to University or Drama school if I wanted to? I mean, here I am rushing into the whole wonderland of a relationship and a 'happy couple' scenario when all my life has ever revolved around is: work, career, aspiration, education, and success. Nothing has ever gone right for me in relationships in the past, and that's why I gave up on it all. I'm not saying that Devin and I wont work out, it's just that the possibility that it will work out leaves me wondering what to do next. What is the next step towards work, career, and success?
I'm probably freaking out over nothing, but I guess it's just because I don't know anything about those job opportunities in Canada, and I wouldn't know where to go to look for those opportunities.
I'm not ususally like this when it comes to 'the future', but I guess I plan far ahead and then sometimes things come up that throw off the whole system so my brain starts to leak and I start to think that it's the end of the world because I don't know what to do. Well, I do know what to do. I have to ask my tutors at College about what I should do, how I should do it. Where to go and what to do, and where to go from here. The whole family is pretty much on a big downer at the moment, and it's starting to rub off on me even though I don't spend much time with them. But I don't like being upset anymore because there's no need to be.
So yeah, that's my little freak out over... I fear of asking my Mum what I should do because she'll probably just say that I shouldn't move to Canada when I know I want to, so I can be with Devin.
Sometimes I can talk about shit like this and I'm not further affected afterwards, but tonight I just don't feel too good. Maybe it's stuff that's happened with the family, then there's College work that I need to do, as well as missing Devin way too much for my own good. Then I'm just getting myself even more bogged down by thinking about stuff that doesn't even need to be thought about, like: not knowing what to do when I move, and thinking about Emma when I don't even need to. You know those times where you get yourself so wound up that you need to cry, even though you know it's stupid because there's nothing to cry about? That's how I feel right now. It's useless being pitied on because there's nothing to pity me for, and all I'll end up doing is crying anyway which isn't going to make my frame of mind any better.
...
Whenever I get upset about something and don't cry, I just end up getting really angry at myself or possibly take it out on someone else - but I'm not that much of a bitch to take it out on anyone else anymore. I'll probably delete the paragraphs I just wrote just so I seem a little bit sane. If I was actually handwriting this, there would be capitals and angry scrawls, rips in the paper and everythang.
... I should probably sleep since I've just given myself a headache... Yeah, that probably wont happen.
I really miss you Devin,
even though I'm talking to you right now.
I still miss you just as much,
and I wish that we could talk more.
I know we can't,
but I'll try not to sleep so much,
just so we can still be in the call together,
and I can feel like I'm there with you.
I miss you.
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