It's 5:51am - I'm Getting Really Tired.

I guess that the only time where you can go back to something that once was, whether it is something that you miss in life that you know you can get back but you're just a grasp away from catching it, is by reliving what once gave you that motivation to do it in the first place. For me, those times flip-flopped in and out of misery, uncertainty, but creativity. Just like all those years ago, I sit on my windowcill at a rediculously early time in the morning to smell the cool air that you can only experience at this time of day, and write. Although I'm not able to sit as comfortably as I once could, it is nice to have that feeling once again. Like always, hanging out of the window is my inward way of wanting to go outside, however it may not be advised at this early hour.
I want to find a way back to that creativity without having to experience that misery and uncertainty again. I suppose I always got that inspiration from the Stanislavski methods of acting, except I was young then so I only recognized it as the routines of realist actors such as Robert De Niro where they would live their character so that they may understand it better.
In just a few hours I've come to the revelation that you don't need to live a character to understand them. You don't have to go to such measures to know how they feel or what they would do in certain situations. You don't have to live the life, you only have to experience it. Why push yourself in to wanting perfection, forcing yourself to live in their world at your own suffering, when you can live it freely and understand that human being by becoming yourself within them? Understanding yourself within them.
And just to create a character to use within a story, I would go to the same lengths and get a fantastic result. I'm not contradicting myself when I say that the Stanislavski methods are epically amazing. I was once creating those characters like they were real, making them live their lives and develop habits like any other human would. But at what cost? I great one, I must add. So what would you then do to prevent the awful outcomes of this absurd creativity? At the moment, I'm not sure, and it may end in disaster just like every time I've done this. But this time I know that I can change the outcome somehow.
I will research and read and watch and think and develop so that maybe the methods do not have to carry so strong. However, I would do anything to get a good story going. It's my passion.

I've only just realized it. But yes, writing is my life-long passion.