Thoughts #12

[Note: In this blog, I kinda just write as I think, so I may be all over the place... and I may not make sense sometimes.]

I think the way you said goodnight solidified my thoughts. We were having fun watching anime... I didn't think much of it, I was just glad to have you kind of back. At least in my life. Then something changed and it wasn't the same, I started thinking and I realized through the lack of messages and... ARGH. I wonder if it was something I said, I wonder if there was a way I could have fixed something. I thought maybe it was getting a bit better but now I am unsure. I could always be thinking too much. My thoughts are so scrambled right now, I don't know where to start and where to end. Was it the show that was making me feel that feeling in my gut, or was it the fact that I was watching the show with you? I wonder if you've even read a single one of these blog posts... I compare the episodes of Junjo to what occurs in my life, obviously... I couldn't help but think of you. I know, this isn't a very organized blog post but whatever. It really was nice to do something with you, it was amazing, just not near the end. I got this feeling in my stomach that something was wrong, but I had to give it one more episode just to make sure. Unfortunately, I was right. I think maybe I just need to sleep before I really break down. All these thoughts are making me crazy, and I was just starting to feel better. I fear that it is to cut you out of my life completely, but I won't accept that. I can't. I won't allow it to be. If there is anything I learned from watching Junjo just now, it's that I have to wait if I really love you. And I know I do. It may hurt now, I may be stupid, but I'll do anything for you.

I've thought about dating, and I probably will, but I can't imagine myself being with anyone else besides you for the rest of my life. I got this girl's number last night... weird, I know. It's the first time I had ever done that. I was really happy, I felt like I had accomplished something, I felt like I was on top of the world. Then I thought about the future. In the few moments I had known this girl, I knew she wasn't the one. I thought of you, how perfect you were to me. A lot of people go on dates so they can meet "the one" but I've already met mine. So what's the point? Boredom? I'm going to continue this whole "meeting people" thing because it keeps me occupied, but whenever I really look into them, it just doesn't seem like it would ever work out in the long-run. But then I think of you and I can't control myself. You're the best I ever had and I threw you away. How foolish could I possibly be?

I know you're having a hard time, but I feel like I'm being tortured. I feel like this isn't fair to me. You may not agree, but I hope you can see it from my perspective. Always logging on, seeing your face, missing you, wanting you. Do you feel the same way? I want to ask you every day if you think about me... If you are feeling the same way I am feeling right now. I know I'm most of the blame for what I am going through, but I just feel...  I don't know the word. I want to be a good person and say that it is all my fault and that I'm sorry, and I am. I'm truly, deeply sorry. But maybe you should be sorry too. I know I can't dictate what happens between us, and I'm fine with that, but I don't know what to do. I can't even think of the options that are possible because we aren't talking...

I could always just remove you from my life completely and move on and hope to find someone as amazing as you, but I really can't even see that as an option. I really do NOT want that. Maybe we could start over, talk again, I'm not even sure if that's possible though. All I know is I want you in my life. There's no way around it, unless of course you told me that you wanted to sever all ties with me and move on with your life... but I really hope that you wouldn't destroy me like that. Today I thought would be some progress, since we watched some anime and bonded a little more... I felt closer to you than I have in the last week. Everything was looking up and then near the last couple episodes, it went back down and I feel back where I was. Another option is to just be as close to friends as we can be until this is sorted out and we can be together, but of course, I don't know how that'd work out either. I want something so that I can have you in my life, for you to be happy and continue to work on college and everything else excluding me, and for me to also be happy and continue to work on whatever goals I decide on... But I want you, there's no doubt about it.

I'm not sure if I covered anything, I'm not sure if I worded any of that very well... I suppose if you're confused about any of it, or think I may have said something odd or that I may not have meant, then you could ask me. My thoughts are just a blur and I'm too upset  right now. As I said on Skype, I feel like Hiro.

Anyways, I should probably get some sleep... I should've been in bed hours ago, I just... wanted as much time with you as possible. I love you. Goodnight.