Thoughts #16

Ever wanted to scream out for help because you're so upset, sad and angry that you can't do anything except wallow in your own depression, but you can't ask anyone for help because they can't help? I'm constantly having that feeling, and am only happy when distracted. I mean, I haven't even made any new videos since I've moved in with Sam and Mike because of all the stress. I like to think that it's getting better, but it could be getting worse for all I know. How could I get so worked up about one person? I know in my heart that if I hadn't broke up with Leigh that I'd feel better.

I hate to say it, but I may have to resort to smoking more weed again. I had been quitting too. I had only smoked once a week and I wasn't going to buy anymore... but now? Now it's hard to stay smiling when I'm not distracted... I can't even force myself to do anything. When I'm high it's so much easier to distract myself. I feel so weak as I type this, admitting that I can't make myself happy and that I need a drug to be happy. That's what I want in the end, to be happy. Apparently that's too much to ask for.

I've been thinking about suicide a lot more as well, but I still don't think that I'd be able to go through with that, even now.. as much as I want to. I fear death to much to kill myself, and I don't want to be dead... I want to be happy. I'm sure the thoughts of death will continue, but I [hopefully] won't do it.

You know, I try to imagine me being with someone else, anyone else that I know currently... I can't really imagine it. I then imagine a life with you and it seems so wonderful... I'm such a fucking faggot, haha.

Writing this has made me feel better.

I love Leigh, I can't deny that. I know she loves me back too. But thinking that we may not be together crushes my heart and soul and causes me to shutdown. Weak, but it's truth. It's like... we have our physical bodies, and our "soul" bodies... My soul body has his arm extended, feeling for a hand to hold, and there isn't one. I'm searching for your hand, and once my soul body has your hand in his then it will be OK. But right now I'm freaking out because I can't find you. It's like when you said "I still love you as much as I did before you broke up with me." and I felt like my soul body had found your hand again. I just have to think about that. I obviously think too much though. Haha, yeah, I do believe we're soul mates.

I realized that sometimes I say "Leigh" rather than "you" and vice versa. I should just start always saying "you" because it's not like anyone else is going to read these.

I still have that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach though. =/