I am pretty tired at the moment, so I don't know whether this blog post will be of any decency, but I will try my best because I have a lot of jumbled thoughts in my mind at the moment that need to be put somewhere.
So it's 5:42 in the morning currently. Devin has just gone to sleep, just for a nap, because he was really tired and it's nearly 2 am for him anyway so I thought I'd let him sleep. In all honesty I didn't want him to leave, I just wanted him to stay awake so we could talk, but I know that he wouldn't have been able to stay awake anyways and I'd rather let him sleep than let him endure two hours of suffering because he's trying to stay awake.
I feel kind of at ease when I'm writing in this blog anyway, especially when I'm writing about him. It feels like when I used to write in a diary to keep a record of what was going on in my life (Remember when I told you that I used to be a bitch? I relived that in the last two years of high school and wrote all of it down, except all that was missing was the me being a bitch part, so it was mainly depression and paranoia - Maybe I should write about that too sometime). It's nice to just get things down sometimes because it feels like I'm in this bubble and nothing else can touch me or disturb me because my thoughts are just constantly being put on to paper, or in this scenario on the screen.
I feel as if I like Devin more and more every day. He does these little things that I just love, and there seems to be no faults at all in our relationship. Well maybe there is on my side, but that's only because I think quite a lot and don't actually say it until a few days or maybe a week later.
One thing that surprised me the other day is an answer I got from Mark when I asked him, 'Who do you think likes the other more in mine and Devin's relationship?' And Mark answered that he thinks Devin likes me more. I have thought about this before, whether Devin likes me more than I like him, but only because he can say things and do things that make me feel like I'm on top of the world and yet I can't seem to do that for him. I really do like him more than I've ever liked anyone before, and that's not exaggerating the situation either. I have never in my life thought about my future with someone that I've been in a ralationship with before (The exception is Emma, but technically we were never in a relationship past 'Friends with Benefits'). Devin is the only boyfriend I've ever had where I've thought about having a future with them.
I don't think I would have said it before, but I'll say it now. Devin makes up the majority of my whole life at the moment, and he is the one that is keeping me happy and on my feet. I was getting to a point at College where I thought that I would start getting jealous and anxious and sad just like I used to be in High School, but I know that can never happen now because Devin is my reason to carry on in pure happiness. Pure happiness. Just the thought of Devin and I not being together in the future, or us breaking up, makes me never want to think about it again. It actually makes my chest thump because I don't want it to happen. Sure I've said in recent posts that there is a chance that it might not work out, but instead of thinking about that negatively, I say that there's a chance in every relationship that that might happen.
The reason why I've never been that open about my feelings of Devin is because whenever I've done that in a relationship, shared my true thoughts on how I feel, we've always split up soon after. So I guess that the only reason why I'm not constantly all lovey-dovey and always givegiveigive is because I don't want to lose him. I don't want to lose him because he makes me feel like I am amazing, like I am beautiful, like I am something worth being with or someone worth talking to.
Without him, my life would have carried on being in this world where I'm either on or off, switching from one mood to another because there are some things that I can't control in my life that would cause me to break down.
Another thing I'm gratful for is that Devin brought Mark and I closer as friends. Mark is a fucking awesome friend. He doesn't give a shit and it's always optimism and 'why the fuck should I care'. It's made me a happier person having him as a friend, and we've also got to the point now where we can share secrets and we can trust one another to not tell anyone else. I thank Devin for this because I wanted Mark to meet Devin, but to do that I had to tell Mark to get Skype. We have the most hilarious conversations in Skype calls, so I guess that the extra communication between College has somehow boosted the friendship bar up a notch.
I don't want Devin to read this and think that he couldn't have made me this happy, but he did. I don't want to sleep just because I want him to wake up and have me there. I think that he always will have me there, because I think that I know that nothing could prevent me from liking him as much as I do now. Time will pass, and there is a miniscule chance that these feelings for him will change, but I very much highly doubt this because he is the one and only guy that can make me smile more than anyone ever could.
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