Emma

(Warning: Might get a tad down-beat)

So, last night Devin asked me who Emma is. I'm guessing he asked me about her because of my last blog post, and I might have mentioned her in past conversations. But I thought that since he has told me quite a lot that happened to him before we met, it would only be fair to tell him about Emma - That's the least I could do.
One problem with telling him everything that happened between me and Emma is that some other things happened in between that could only be explained if I came out with a lot of other personal secrets that I haven't told many others. It also involves family somewhat, but I guess we could discuss that later when I'm not so hyped up on tea that's been caked with sugar.

So when I started High School where I used to live, in southern England, I became best friends with this boy called Macauly. Of course, at that moment, I thought that Macauly was the most amazing friend I've ever had. But then, two years into High School, I met this girl called Emma. We sort of knew each other through Macauly because we used to have PE together, and so Macauly had to choose between Emma and I for PE partners.
But because Emma and I were quite devious, we decided one lesson that we should pair up as partners, instead of Macauly choosing either of us so that Macauly was left alone with the people who didn't get chosen. I don't ever regret making that decision, even though some terrible things happened at a later date.

We became so close that we started doing things that no one would even think about doing at our age. We were both really into fantasy and role-play, so it was literally like a reenactment of 'Bridge to Terebithia'., before it was even released. We would go through the forests and the fields just running around and playing, and pretending that we were in a world that didn't even exist; But it did to us.
Eventually our whole friendship revolved around just Emma and I in this world that we called 'The Game', constantly playing on through the whole day and night until we finally fell asleep. Thinking back now it all seemed so real, and it feels near impossible that we could just simply delve into this place in our minds where nothing else existed outside of it. I was so happy that we shared this passion, and that we could feel comfortable doing it together instead of feeling like a couple of child-like noobs like most people would feel if they tried to do it.
I have small diary's of what happened every day, and I like to go back and read about what we used to do and how much fun we had. But then I get to the end of the diary's... Everything just seemed to go so wrong, so fast. I try to think of ways that I could have stopped it from happening, but I was too selfish to stop it.

To others, it might not have seemed so bad, but the one thing that I treasured most was Emma and only Emma. She was the best thing that had happened to me for the single reason that we could do anything together and none of it was wrong or judged. Nothing mattered anymore.
I think that stopped when we started to bring our own problems into The Game. What was worse is that I started to get rebounds from a past problem I had, and began to become a nasty bitch because of it. I would lie and do things behind her back that could possibly have a bad affect on her in the future. It was like I was playing mind games, like there was no villain in the story so I had to become some kind of monster just so I could fulfil that want. The thoughts that went on through my head were awful, and Emma didn't know anything about these thoughts at the time, but the worst thing was that I was thinking them, even though she was this treasure that I was supposed to keep safe and close.
Sometimes I would even feel guilty about what I was doing, even though I didn't realise what I was doing at the time, and I would tell her what was wrong with me, but I guess even for Emma it was too bizarre to believe with all the crap I had thrown at her beforehand.

Over time I started to notice that she was starting to develop some problems. She would pass out sometimes, or get really frantic at the most random times. I remember one time when she, Bradley, and I were walking along the road and a single car came down. We were talking normally and having a nice time, but then Emma started to shout at me, 'Did you see that? Did you see what was in that car? We need to go help them now!', and she just kept shouting and screaming.
It's painful thinking back and not knowing what to do or say in that moment. I wish I could have just ran up to her and hugged her and told her that everything was going to be okay, that I was going to make everything better, that I was going to stop being such a bad person and that we should just forget about The Game and have a normal life. I know that's all she ever wanted. I couldn't give her that.

After I moved away, she told me that she had been diagnosed with Schizophrenia. In the last year and a half that we were friends, Emma and I forgot about the game and moved on. Our friendship wasn't as strong as when we we're in the full heat of The Game, but it was still strong. I still slept over her house, although not as much, and we still shared secrets like before.
I would say that in the last two months before I moved, we became incredibly close again. It was amazing, and I was so happy. I went out to where she lived and we walked along the streets and through the forests again. There was one time when it snowed and I remember that all of us went down to her town and played in the snow on the roundabout. Those two months seemed like the best of my life, and I'm so happy that I got to spend some time with her so we could rebuild that trust and friendship that we once had.

We stayed in close contact when I moved. We would talk every day and I would make sure that I had credit on my phone so that I could text her as well. Our friendship stayed just as strong as it was before I had moved, and did for quite a while.

She told me that she was Schizophrenic when I moved.

During those last few months and onwards, all I wanted to do was protect Emma, to make sure that she felt safe and comfortable. All that mattered was Emma and the way she felt, and what she did. I had no interest in anything else because all that I could ever care for was her. I just constantly felt ashamed of myself for not realising her situation earlier, knowing that I could have done something, even helped prevent it from getting so bad - I just felt that all I was doing was making it worse. But I was there for her now, even if I was so far away, I knew that I could help her feel more safe by assuring her that everything was going to be okay, and that everything was going to get better for her.

After this, it gets complicated. Emma has always been the greatest friend I've ever had. Even now that I have other friends like Mark, she has been the one who made my childhood so much better, even though we also had some pretty hard down-falls; I blame those down-falls on myself. There was a point in our friendship, after I had moved, where I had fallen in love with Emma. At the time, I thought that nothing could dissuade me from loving her as much as I did then.
This may seem odd, but I was so in love with her that it hurt. It hurt not being able to see her every day like I used to, and it hurt just not being able to be there as a friend. To be there for her. I wrote songs and poems and drew pictures for her that she never saw. I used to think about her every day and every night, unable to concentrate or care about anything else.
It was only until she found out, that my life seemed to shatter. I told her about how I felt one night, but she told me that she didn't feel the same way... Not even in the slightest.

I remember when she used to lead me on after she knew how much I loved her, and I used to take in all of it. I thought that she was doing it so that I didn't feel so neglected, not to be a bitch. The one thing that I know for sure is that once I told her, and I knew that she didn't feel the same, I used to cry every night because I wanted her so much. Even just to be there next to her as a supportive friend would be enough to keep my tears back. I remember crying through the night, not knowing what to do to make that horrible feeling stop. I wanted to stop crying, but I couldn't, the feelings just kept taking over my whole mind and I couldn't take all of the stress I was under.
I didn't tell her that I was so upset, of course. I couldn't do that, and I couldn't make her feel pressured to make me feel better because of the stress she was under from her condition. All I did was smile and get on with it, going along with her and making sure that she was happy.
I remember one time when she had told me that her childhood friend, Bradley, had asked her to move abroad with him after college so that they could be together. I had to help her make the decision of whether she should be with him or not. I think I told her that she should wait and see what happens between them both, and then go with him if she feels that they could have a good future together. She wasn't sure what to do, but I had to help her. I had to help her make the best decision without being selfish, or too selfless.

I cried for so long, and it hurt so much. I was getting one step further away from Emma every second, and I could feel that she was pulling away from me. I still loved her with every breath I could take even though it was tearing me apart. I couldn't do anything because everything was reminding me of her, and I cried so much that I would get nauseous and couldn't sleep.

I eventually decided quite a few months later that I needed to stop talking to her. It was the only way that I would be able to get over her. I have to admit that It's one of the hardest things that I've ever had to do, and it took months just to stop thinking about her. I would think I was okay one week, but then I would start crying again. When I finally knew that I was stable, and had myself rooted into the ground again, I started talking to her, like a friend, like we were.

We don't talk at all anymore. I know for sure that I don't love her like I used to, and I'm glad that she's in College now and getting the qualifications she needs to become all she wants to be. It's not that I don't want to talk to her, I just don't feel the need. I still feel that I want her to know that she's safe, and that we can always be friends, but she has moved on now and so should I.
If I hadn't of moved, then we would probably be just as close as we were before I moved, but I know that I would have also not fallen in love with her. If I hadn't of moved, then I wouldn't have become so interested in Gaming again, and therefore would never have met Devin.

I'm glad I met Devin, because he gave me the strength and courage to write the rest of this blog. I had stopped half way through because I couldn't take it, and I didn't want to remember again. I felt that it was stupid that I was even thinking about this, let alone writing about it. But it's not stupid, it's just the past, and whether the past was good or bad, you shouldn't feel ashamed of what you did or what happened because it's who you are now that really matters.
If you've ever had a friendship or relationship with someone before, and you know that it's lost now, you should know that you should never feel like it's all over because there's always someone out there waiting for you. Whether it takes two months, two years or even a decade, all you can do is do your best to move on in hope that you will have a better future.

There are other things that I could have mentioned in this blog, but i wanted to focus on Emma. There are times when I have written about this or explained to others (I can think of one time where I've had no choice but to explain all of this), and I've added in other details that weren't necessary when talking about Emma. However, now that I've had the chance to open up about everything, I can talk about the things that mattered most.

She was my whole life, and I'm glad that I could spend my childhood with her like I did.