I feel like shit today. It's not that emotional pain I've been trying to deal with, it's physical pain. I'm actually ill and It's all because of that fucking dinner yesterday. I've been in my bed all day, not necessarily sleeping, either swallowing down the pain or running to the toilet. It's rare for me to get ill and when I do it's rare for me to even give a shit that I'm ill, but I guess that over the last few days I've allowed my system to get so run down that it's been easier for my body to just give up and give in to illness.
In sending a message to Mariah, I received one back today. I tried to make it as friendly as possible because I want to make sure that I don't cause any shit or make her feel guilty for what she did - Or rather, how her actions made me feel.
I don't want to feel angry anymore. Even at this moment when I may seem calm and fragile, I can feel the anger boiling up and I'm just about ready to punch something. This is no ones fault, not even my own. There just happened to be a chain of events that were so cose together that they ended up overlapping, and that's just caused me to become oblivious to the root of my problem... However, I think I know why I don't want this happening. The overlay of repression that hides the anger, the reason for this.
I don't want to lose him, ever. I know that in the past, anyone I've ever loved and cared for has been pushed away because of the actions I take and because of the stupid things I say. I've cried enough times in fear of losing him, pushing him away, drowning him with my over-emotional over-dramatic shitload that I let build up. In all sincerity, I don't want to be alone again, and the way this is going I think I'm just going to end up wanting Devin more and more. I didn't want to get so emotionally involved this time, just to save the hurt all over again, and each time I say it's worth it but it never is. It all seems so perfect at the beginning, but then suddenly everything gets ripped away... I'm almost certain that Devin isn't like anyone else I've ever cared for, and that's why I'm letting him make me cry, and I'm letting him make me angry.
He's always said to me that he never wants to make me upset or unhappy, but the truth is that he's made me cry more times than I can remember. Most of those times he probably couldn't prevent because sometimes things come out the way you didn't mean them to. There are times where I think to myself that I've been both extremes of the spectrum in our relationship - Both ecstatic, and furious with rage and tears. Between the start of College and the beginning of our relationship, I was totally neutral and always content, and now I've gone back to this emotional rollercoaster that I've always hated being on.
I don't want to end up saying something I regret just because Devin just so happened to be involved in those actions at the time. Who's fault is it that that happened? I can't think of a suitable reason to blame anyone, so I can't see any blame coming out of this.
And about Loren... Saying it in the most humane way possible... What if you wanted to give all of your life and love to someone, knowing that there is a possibility that you're going to spend your future with them, knowing that they don't belong to you. Knowing that, even though they've said that they want you and need you and would do anything for you, half of their love still belongs some place else.
This feels like Emma all over again. Giving everything to her but not getting anything back that equals my giving. Sure, Devin gives so much, but I don't mean it like that. I don't know whether he'll say that's true or not, but I know it is.
Putting all of that aside, it's not like I want him to stop talking about her. When he's upset about his loss, I want him to know that he can talk to me about it. I want to be able to make him feel better, for me to reassure him that it's okay when he makes those stupid mistakes like he did a few nights ago. An example of me backing this up would be when I was concerned about Devin smoking weed. One night I couldn't even tell that he was high. He is the same person before as he is after - It should be the same with this situation. He's mentioned her so many times before, and even though he knows now about how I feel now, my reaction to him bringing her up is going to be the exact same as it was before. When he knows this, I'm not going to lash out or cry whenever he mentions Loren, I'm going to be the same supporting and loving girlfriend that I've always tried to be whenever the subject comes up. Trust me, I'm not completely heartless.
I think, all in all, this is just another milestone to get over. I can see us coming through the other side on this one, mainly because I know that he knows now. Four days may not seem that long to be holding anger in, but if you think about it, the anger with the Mariah situation had been building up ever since he told me what happened, and the situation with Loren has been building up ever since he told me that he still loves her which was quite a while ago now.
I'm sorry if any of this has hurt you Devin, but if I didn't get it out then I'm sure that it would have led to something much worse somewhere down the line. I wont delete the draft post I have just before this one, just so you know the other side of this, the side that is much less at ease, and much less calm. After I've completely got this out of my system, you probably wont even have to deal with this for another year or so. Lucky for you my emotional period only comes twice a year at maximum, so there wont be any monthly bullshit that you would get from a normal girl. I guess that's why you like me, huh? I'm such a normal girl :)
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