If going back to College doesn't sort the problem, then I don't know what will. It's all my side of everything that's messed up. Since the holidays have started, I feel like I've just been trapped in a tiny fucking box that is 'my corner of the room where the desk lies'. I went out today to buy clothes, on my own, and I felt so fucking happy for no reason whatsoever. The truth is that no one, not even myself, can blame this on the relationship itself, because Devin was totally oblivious of me being upset, because there is nothing to be upset about.
I might have been a bit harsh because I said I wanted to go to bed early and I know that Devin really wants to talk to me, and here I am writing a blog, but to be honest I can't even go to sleep. So instead I'm listening to Infected Mushroom while writing this. Their songs really make me focused, even though they're such hype songs. If I were to be talking to Devin while writing this, then I don't think everything would come out the way I wanted it to.

I was pretty surprised that Devin was surprised that I've been upset. I guess he thinks that since I got over my last bump, which might have been a legit bump significantly made worse within my mind because of too much 'self reflection time' in this mother fucking box. I hate that this is what it has become. My corner was supposed to be somewhere I could escape to play video games and chat to the people I have fun with. But instead, since I don't have much else to do except talk to Devin and play shitty Skyrim, that escape has become the actual cage.
The cage kind of has nothing and everything to do with Devin. Every problem is a 'problem that involves Devin', and it sickens me because none of it is actually Devin's fault. What the fuck happened yesterday and today? Devin went out a lot, Devin was there but not actually there, just doing other things I assume like actually having a life - Unlike fucking PMS as shit girlfriend over here who cries over the stupidest of things and then gets angry and starts punching walls. How attractive is that, eh? If I had a girlfriend like me, I would dump her. Seriously, the way I've been acting lately has been selfish and self-centred, whether Devin knows it or not.

I don't mean to beat myself up about it, and I feel a lecture coming on about how 'I'm not that bad', but really; Should I be getting upset and angry this much? Of course I fucking shouldn't be! Before the relationship, even just before the holidays, everything was so much better. Which means, what the hell am I supposed to do in the summer holidays? This has only been two weeks, so just imagine what I would be like for six weeks. What the fuck would I do for those six weeks? I doubt that I'd be able to maintain a routine as busy as College since I'll end up going to sleep at about eight in the morning and waking up at four in the afternoon, by which time I wouldn't have been able to anything normal within those two or so hours until Devin gets online. I would then be talking to Devin until about eight in the morning again. Then in those sixteen hours, since I'll hardly be doing anything to entertain myself, I'll be sitting there like a twat once again banging my head against the desk - Sound familiar?

I wont punch the wall again... Maybe. It all depends on how I survive tomorrow. I'm not sure if Devin understands, but he wouldn't feel this way just because he goes out with his friends. Screw it all he lives with his best friend. He goes out often, he speaks to others on a regular basis, therefore he actually has a life outside everything else. I follow his time zone, his sleeping schedule. I try to fit my life around his, just because I thought that if I didn't then we wouldn't be spending enough time together. Now apparently it's unhealthy to wait at the desk all day with my face in the laptop acting like a noob while I wait for Devin to get back from whatever the fuck he's doing, and for once I completely agree.
You see the blog posts I publish about how happy I am, and how much this relationship has affected me in such an amazing way. That's how it should always be. There shouldn't be any of these bullshit posts that I've been writing more and more lately, because now I'm just starting to see a gruesome pattern that's only going to get messier.

Now it's time for me to rave to I.M just because I can. I can't really end this post on a happy or angry or upset note, because to be honest I feel completely apathetic - No fucks to be given at all. So yeah, I'll leave you with this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8uLK4hDJC84&feature=BFa&list=PL25E30A7D59AAE90D&lf=plcp

Don't forget to max the volume bitches.