College Tomorrow!

Ish feelun gut today ^o^

I may or may not feel like a noob for yesterdays post, but I guess many fucks proceed to not be given. This is good in my point of view, because I like it when no fucks are given since there are so much more lols then. I'm wearing my jeans today just so I can stretch them out tomorrow. The size I have now are too small, but because I've been losing weight, the size just above is too big. Typical. But I'm not planning on gaining weight any time soon so it's safer to go with the smaller size and get a belt later if I need to.

I've never really been too keen to talk about my weight. I've never been absolutely ashamed, just sort of disappointed because I let myself gain weight. I don't think I've ever talked about my weight ever, only a few times with my mum because of 'diet plans' and just general stuff. I don't think Devin knew until recently, and I'm not even sure if he knows now, but I'm not the skinniest girl. I think I'm just above average if I were to talk about 'weight scale'; that means yes, I do have to lose some pounds in order to be a 'healthy weight'.
I think I've been at my most self conscious in years, and that's mainly because I didn't want to disappoint Devin. Maybe the word disappoint is a bit too strong, but I was a tad wary to say the least. I've even said to him that I need to lose a bit of weight, and he denied it, so I made the point of saying that he hasn't actually seen my body. I've always thought that when he will see my body, I want him to see a fit and healthy young woman who looks after her body and takes pride in it - At the moment, I most definitely don't take much care of it.
I used to be bullied for my weight, and my mum always blame herself because she used to work all the time and so she didn't spend enough time to monitor what I was eating, unlike my dad who couldn't give two fucks how much I ate because we had a lot of money at the time. Therefore, I was extremely overweight at the age of 6. I do remember losing that weight pretty fast when my mum started to pay more attention to my eating habits, but I guess ever since then I've been very self conscious about my body and continued to put on weight and lose it. I mainly remember putting on weight when I was under a lot of stress, so you can imagine that I put on a good unwanted chunk during the last year and a half of high school just because it was a bunch of ballsacks to say the least.
With much happainess that proceeds to be nyan'ed my way, I've managed to lose that that weight I put on during that year and a half in the last year. Heck, it hasn't even been a year yet and I've lost more than I put on during that year and a half, which makes me feel amazing. However, since I'm not doing dance anymore in College, it's harder to lose more weight. To be honest, I've only got about 20kg to lose until I'm 'average', but I'm not going to stop losing at that point unless I'm satisfied with how I look. Trust me, I'm not into that anorexic size 0 cringefest, and I'm more into the toned up buff look, so it's going to be about plenty of exercise and an decent amount of food.

Who knows, maybe Devin and I could do it together! :D It would be another thing that we could do, another form of 'looking after eachother'. Aren't I just so intent on finding more reasons for us to talk. Hee hee :3

I was thinking that maybe the reason why I get just a tad bit angsty when talking to Devin late at night is because I'm not actually doing anything with him. Skyrim isn't exactly a multiplayer game, therefore I can't play that with him properly. I haven't got MW3 yet, so there's no bondage going on there. My Minecraft also seems ForeverFucked, so there's no playing that for quite a while. So, what else is there... ? Well, fuck all really. Our conversations go solidly solo, and I don't have much of a problem with that, but in my opinion I would rather be doing shit with him like a gamer couple should be instead of talking to him every so often where it's all lovey dovey mooshy bird shit stuff. Lets put it this way:
I am a girl who is not necessarily completely girl, so all this girly stuff is so new to me. I don't really understand the components of a 'real' relationship, therefore I need a guy who wants to do guy stuff with me, instead of guy/girl stuff with me, all of duh time. So really, it would be amazing if it was more of a bromance with (if you like) gay... stuff? I don't even fucking know, I'm just talking complete bullshit right now (trolol).
To put it simply, I enjoy the company of others SO much more if I'm fucking around with them all of the time. Devin and I used to do that quite a lot, and that's what I adore about him, his ability to treat me like a best friend with the benefits of all that mooshy bird shit stuff. But I guess there has been less of that lately, therefore I feel like, in a sense, that I'm being treated like any other girlfriend, or even that I'm being treated like a girl.

I've never liked being treated like a girl, which is probably why I preferred being good mates with guys and hanging out with them as 'one of them', because whenever I would get so close to a guy that it was almost like we could be in a relationship, I would push them away because that's not what I wanted. If I've learned anything from my Dad and other various superiors, it's that having a partner decreases your chance of a better future for yourself. All of my sisters are shining examples of, to put it bluntly, 'failed attempts'. (That's so fucking harsh, but I'm creasing up right now). And here I am, the forth attempt, and I have a solid relationship that I don't want to lose anytime soon. Dad hates that. He hates that I have a boyfriend and that I am head over heels adoring the fuck out of him, because that's a threat to his forth attempt. I'm laughing so much, but it's so true.
Fortunately for me I am so much smarter than my older sisters, therefore I know how to deal with this so that I get everything that I want, not half of what I want. They chose to have a family at a young age, however I'm chosing a relationship at a young age. You see the difference there? All of my sisters had kids at a young age, but that doesn't appeal to me whatsoever. What I want is a supporting boyfriend with similar interests who will guide me towards ... Whatever the fuck I'm being guided towards. That's something that my sisters don't have, full support from their other half.
Anyway, if anything, he is the one that needs the most support when it comes to stuff like that. I've been prepared for nearly all of my education life, constantly learning about the outside world and how it works, and how to get in the anal arse crack of society. I know exactly where I'm going and almost certain of how I'm going to do it, so it won't hurt to delay for a year or two. I could use some growing myself, and in the meantime I could get that fucking book I've been working on since I was 12 well under way. I'd rather have some ground beneath my feet before I go strolling out in to the air not knowing where I could land.