There are times where I can get scared about moving to Canada, and at other times I feel like I couldn't wait another day. Sometimes I think that I would be so much more happier, happier than I already am, if I just skipped College and moved to Canada straight away. I don't know where I would stay, and I don't know how I would support myself... But I would be with Devin, and at this very moment it seems like he's the only one I need right now.
Is it good to only want a relationship, feeling fulfilled within yourself with no one else but yourself and another? In the end my Dad had to choose between his job and having a family, so I guess I'm lucky that we both agreed to have children at a later age.
You always see in the movies that love triumphs over career, and it's just a movie of course, but a part of that is true. Could I possibly have a constant acting career, and also an amazing relationship? Does it work like that? It's worth thinking about, because sooner or later something is going to happen and I'll waste time freaking out trying to think of a solution.
But, I do really like Devin. And he's right, it's getting harder and harder to not say those three words. Those three generic and overused words that we have hardly said at all, although it's like we talk about them all the time - At least, I now think about them all the time.
Is it bad to go less than a day without talking to him, only to feel like it's been weeks without any interaction at all? It was only about 5 hours of not talking, and there were even messages through Skype, and I still ended up missing him like crazy. It might have been because I usually distract myself with other things, or maybe it might have been because I could have actually been talking to him. Instead, I was getting frustrated trying to fix Minecraft, and getting even more frustrated at Skyrim. Not to mention that I haven't even got MW3 yet, which was supposed to be an Easter present. I'm not even sure that it's so much because I really really want the game, it's because it's a chance and maybe even an excuse to spend more time talking to Devin. Just like fixing Minecraft. I wanted to fix it, just so I could play with him on the Mutiny server. Maybe not necessarily to be with him all of the time and talk to him all the time, but just to be on the same server.
I think I would do anything to make it seem like I was there with him, making some sort of interaction beyond sending messages. That's why I love speaking to him in a call. That's why I love not speaking to him in a call - we don't need that constant conversation because it would be like normal every day life if we were actually together. Getting on doing what you would normally do, but at the same time knowing that someone is there.
I love it even more when we video chat. That allows more communication and interaction, although it does remind me that we are an ocean apart. A whole ocean. It's amazing how intense and strong our relationship is, even though there is so much distance between the two of us. It seems impossible, and even more so knowing that when I move to Canada, our relationship is going to be even stronger.
By the time Devin reads this, it's going to be our 3 month anniversary. 1/4 of a year already gone by. And as slow as it may be going, I've found that it has also been going really fast in some twisted way. Everything has happened so fast, and it seems that even though we're putting off saying those three words, we're already talking about moving in together and having kids. Devin used to say before: 'It's weird how we talk about things that seem beyond the conversation of those three words.' but I think I understand a bit more now. Sure, the delay of saying those three words is not wanting to take it so fast in the relationship. It was a way to slow things down so that we don't get head-over-heels. However, it was also about the meaning and the effect of those three words. Making it a taboo has only strengthened that meaning, making it seem so much more powerful than anyone else could ever make it.
The word 'love' shouldn't be a term that's lightly said in a relationship. There are different kinds of love, such as: Unconditional love, true love, being in love. Now true love, that is something that should define love in itself. Why should love be untrue, and unworthy? It shouldn't. However, with that word being thrown around so much, no wonder love has to be defined in different categories. Being in love - that is something worth thinking about. It is something that tests the knowledge and understanding of any couple. It's one thing to love someone, but to be in love? A lot of people, teenagers especially, claim to be in love. Their heart is at such a state at that age, constantly flowing from one person to another. They think that everything is perfect, just right, and that they would stay with that other person for the rest of their lives. They create a fantasy.
However, what I think is peculiar, is that I don't know if I'm in love. I think about it, and I question it for a moment. Any other 'perfect' relationship that I've had in the past has consisted of the words 'In love' and 'forever' ... Maybe if you think you are in love, you are not, and if you question it, then...
But I guess that all depends on the individual. Surely we cannot wait for the day to say to one another 'those three words', but to admit that you are in love? Could it possibly mean anything unless it is dismissed as much as, or even more so, than 'I love you'?
We care for one another, we want the best for one another, we only think of others before ourselves and most importantly, we want to be together. Just the two of us. I want what's best for him, and I always make sure that I can do everything in my power to make sure that he doesn't get upset or angry, just like he goes to endless trouble to make sure that I don't get upset or angry. Of course sometimes that doesn't work because I think things and do things that I'm scared that will make him upset or angry, therefore It's like a block because I wont tell him, therefore he can't make sure that I don't feel those negative feelings and end up hurting myself - He might have caught on, but last time I got a nice bruise on my knuckles because I punched the wall a few times. Mark gave me permission... But I'm not that nasty so I guess I gave him no choice but to let me.
So, three months ago I made a decision. I made a decision to make the greatest commitment I'm ever going to have to face. That decision has led on to many different emotions and happenings, and it will lead on into the future, a very distant future to come. I'm going to feel angry, and upset, and jealous and alone. But at the same time, for the majority of the time, I will feel amazing, happy, loved, glad, and I will feel that for once in my life, for the first time ever in a relationship, I have made the right decision. To be with the person I care for most, to feel that I can laugh and prosper and be supported while supporting with my greatest will. But most importantly, just to simply be happy. Happy with him.
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