Last night was... Horrible. Yesterday was just one prolonged moment of nothing, but it doesn't compare to how I feel today - The aftermath of the event. Just simply, silence. There's nothing to feel today, maybe I should be feeling something but I don't want anymore thoughts entering my mind about yesterday or the day before, just the past in general. I'm trying my hardest not to feel anything today because all that will come out of it will just be anger and tears. So just nothing sounds like the best plan.
Can't eat today. Of course I have eaten, otherwise my stomach would feel like hell, I just haven't been bothered with eating. A banana and a piece of last nights pizza will suffice until dinner. I was scared this morning, an inward emotion that was caused by the fact that I didn't feel anything. I couldn't feel anything. I remember that emotion. I remember that apathetic stare, feeling no energy to do anything and trying to do something, but I can't. So much emotion from the night before that you feel like you're empty. I'm just glad that I've experienced enough to know that everything will be okay. Everything will work out. Just don't think for now, just do, and all of that will come later.
Last night was painful. All day I was just thinking so much, trying to figure out what to do. Every second was filled with doubt and confusion, trying to distract myself from emotion. So many things had gone wrong, and just like always it was my fault. It has always been my fault in the past, and if it weren't for the things in Devin that make him so perfect, then what I did might have ruined everything.
I really did want to say to him that I loved him back. He was trying to make me feel better, and it was working, I really was starting to feel better about what I did. But then he told me that he loved me, and all of a sudden I couldn't breathe. All of a sudden everything became a blur, and I don't know why.
I got up from the desk and leaned against my bed, half crying and half stifling to breathe. I know that feeling, I know that pain from the past. I sat on the bed, curling up as I shook, trying to call to Devin from the bed, but I just couldn't speak. It came out in a gasp rather than a voice. I couldn't breathe, and he was the only one I wanted.
It started to get better, I could cry without feeling like a vacuum had sucked all of the air out of me, constantly feeling like I was empty but nothing could get in. He had hung up and was calling me again, so I went over to the desk and answered it. I couldn't speak, and it was getting harder to breathe again. I was trying so hard to tell him that I couldn't breathe, but even then he couldn't hear me. I tried to calm down again, it wasn't so much of a task to cry, and eventually I could tell him.
Even though I was calmer and I could talk, I was shaking. I remember that too, I remember the feeling of shaking uncontrollably, feeling like I was freezing to death. He continued to talk to me, and I was shaking less. He was trying to talk to me, but I just felt so dizzy. My head felt numb and I felt like I could hardly stay awake. I told him that I needed to go lie down, but all I can remember is that he just kept talking, and eventually I just said that I needed to go, that I needed to rest. All of that energy was just being sucked out of me, all of that energy that suddenly came to me as that panic took over, had disappeared just as fast as it came.
I got up, trying to focus, and he started to cry. He was crying. I can't remember what he said but he was calling my name, and I tried to answer, I wanted to call to him, to tell him that it was going to be okay, but I couldn't. Nothing came out, and just as I felt I was about to, he hung up. No word from me. That must have felt so painful for him. He was upset, and he was crying, and I couldn't even find the voice to tell him that it was going to be okay, that we were going to be okay.
It took a while to get to sleep, just because I started to cry as well, but I eventually fell asleep. I woke up a few times, but I just felt exhausted and ended up falling asleep again. Even when I did decide to wake up to talk to Devin, I was still just as tired. I felt so empty, I felt like he missed everything. I felt that, even though he had posted on my wall and messaged me so much as I was sleeping, he wanted to throw everything aside. I needed to talk to him about what he had posted, but I knew that it would be better if he brought it up before I did. So I just sat there in silence mostly, waiting for him to bring it up.
I watched Dexter for a while until my laptop crashed. It doesn't even take a few minutes for reboot, but when I did reboot Devin wasn't online. He might have crashed too. But I didn't have the patience or the will to wait, so I just left a message saying that I'm going back to sleep, that it felt like he was too busy to talk.
I woke up and there were more messages, but only a few. It sounded like he was feeling better anyway, so I didn't want to dampen his spirit just because I was too exhausted to strike a conversation, and he was busy talking to others to start a conversation either. I was being too stubborn, and sometimes wouldn't even answer him because all I wanted to talk about was that post.
And now I'm here, feeling nothing, and thinking nothing. I'm not even sure if any of this would make sense because it has just been a thoughtless rambling that I need to get out, that I know wont come out all at once if I were to talk to Devin about it. I've had a couple of panic attacks before, and I know that they've been caused by unexpected events; So why couldn't I control myself last night? The worst thing is that I know that I'll have to go through this all over again in December, and next time I'll have to make a decision. Will it be as difficult as this? Will it be even more difficult?
Devin may have triggered whatever happened to me last night, but he wasn't the main cause of it. Others may be able to say, 'Well if you wouldn't have met him, you wouldn't be in this situation', and 'If you break up with him, you still have what you had all along. You'll still get what you wanted.'
It's not that simple. It's not that simple to just break up with him, to just forget him, to wish that I had never met him. I love him, and I care for him, and I want what's best for him just as much as I want what's best for me. That's what's holding me back from breaking up with him and forgetting about him. I want him to feel safe, and happy, and reassured that he can have an amazing future because I'll be there with him and for him, urging him on into the right direction. I'm so torn because everyone is telling me to follow my own path, the path that I originally set for myself. But I made that decision to stray from that path nearly 4 months ago, that was my decision. Now I have a choice to go back to my original path, to follow that straight road to what I've always wanted.
But now things are different. I can't do that now, and my conscience will never let me do that, because if I do then Devin's path will return to how it used to be. The only risk I am taking by not going back is that the road I take will be unpredictable. But that's what life is all about. Taking those risks. If I go back now then I run the risk of losing someone that I want to be beside. I want to be with Devin, and I want to love him and care for him, and to make him happy all of the time. Being happy is what he deserves; so why can't anyone else see that? Why can't they see that his new path is at stake a thousand times more than my original path will ever be if I choose to go back?
Why would I ever throw away something that means so much to me, that would cause me to change my mind about something so important in my life. If Devin is significant enough to make me change my entire future, then why can't anyone else understand that he should be the one to stay. He should be the thing that matters most. He should be the primary concern. He shouldn't be judged, and no one should carry that first impression of him that he isn't good for me because we have never made any physical contact. Why should that stop me from loving him? Why should that stop me from choosing him?
I have loved before, I have cared before, but I have never put my career on hold for anyone, not even those that I have cried over. I have never been in that situation where I was tearing my hair out because I couldn't choose between a career and a long-lasting relationship.
What's more is that he loves me, and he cares for me. He wants what's best for me, and even though he has been torn up about the chance that there's a possibility that he'll lose me, he can still accept that I might not choose him. Even though there might not be a chance that we will spend the rest of our days together, he still supports me in my decision, and every decision that I make, no matter how many times I've changed my mind.
I honestly do not know what I want more, but I do know that everything has been put on hold for him, and I know that in my mind that I will be happier if I don't erase him from my life. Fuck what Mark says, that he thinks that I'm only torn between Devin and acting because I can only hear what Devin says. This is my own decision, and nothing that Devin has ever said has influenced that.
If everything fucks up in the future, then I can accept that it will be my fault, that I might have wasted a few years of my life. But isn't it best to waste a few years than to have lost some, because that is what I'll end up doing if I don't choose Devin. Years of love and passion and want will be lost and buried because I didn't take that chance, and I didn't take that risk. What's the matter with taking risks? Life isn't perfect, and my own childhood established that, in a bad way. Why can't I take the good risks, the life-fulfilling risks that will at least make life more interesting and unpredictable? Why is everyone so against that?
Life shouldn't be served on a plate, it shouldn't be foretold or planned. It shouldn't go with absolute precision to the tiniest detail; So why is everyone so concerned? I've been through serious relationships before, and I know that they can end just as fast as they started, I'm fully aware of that. Just let me make that mistake again, the mistake of putting emotion before knowledge, because you never know that it might be the best decision I've ever made.
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